This one is for you C. B.

[mystiquefey]

I was recently in a relationship, which allowed me to learn a bit more about myself before failing miserably. But isn't that always the case? A twisted form of hindsight, me thinks. It allowed me to add to the list of what I should look for, and ultimately avoid. Or maybe that's unfair. He's a good guy, a very good guy. Everything one should

Comments

[anonymous]

This is pretty harsh, but fair enough. I feel as if I owe you a few things before we cut off all contact, though. First of all, you were not a quick lay, or a conquest. An option may be closest to the actual truth. The only reason I say that is because I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone 2 hours away. I did it because I thought you were worth it and I still don't regret it. I do, however, regret some things. You mentioned that it seemed as if there was no passion from me. That may be true and it's something that I am struggling with right now. Not only do I feel guilty for it, but I also worry that I will never be able to break that chain. The reason it seemed like I wasn't very passionate about us is because I wasn't. I was straddling the fence: too scared to be alone but too frightened of going "all in" with you. I pushed you to open up to me because my heart usually opens to those who open their hearts to me. When we were talking after we split up, you did begin opening up to me and that probably scared me away. I think I got the wrong idea and thought you were opening up as a means of getting back together. So once again I straddled the fence; I didn't know which way to go with it. I didn't want you to start putting too much in if I wasn't going to reciprocate. But I was not avoiding you. When you called, I called you back. I'm sorry if I wasn't there as much as you wanted or needed me to be, but that wasn't an indication of how I felt about you. There are times when I just get too busy to talk. Take last night for instance. I wasn't planning on my roommate's friend stopping by before my roommate even got off work. But I wasn't about to sit there and chat with you while he looked over my shoulder at everything I was typing. You took that to mean that I wasn't interested in talking to you or that I wasn't making you a priority. I'm sorry, but my life isn't wrapped up all nice and neat. Sometimes I am stretched too thin and can't make anything a priority. It is no indication of how I feel about you, though. This is getting a little long-winded so I will cut it short. To sum up what I'm trying to say: I'm sorry for not putting my all into us. You deserve much better than that. I think I was very hypocritical in trying to get you to check your baggage when I couldn't do the same with mine. You're a beautiful woman with a lot to offer anyone you choose to. Despite what you may believe, I did have strong feelings for you and will regret for a long time not pursuing more with you. But I didn't and I will have to live with that.

Best of luck,

C.B.

P.S. The English major in me loves the fact that you titled the post, "This one is for you C.B." How ambiguous is that? Is it for you, or is it for me?