Change is in the wind...
I haven't written on here in awhile so I figured I should. I just felt like writing. To express my feelings in some constructive way that I can look back on later and think what the hell was I thinking. I have done that recently. I was reading over the poetry I have written over the past couple year or so and thinking about those moments in time that were so sad and depressing. I'm so glad I've moved on from those days. Everything seems to be changing so much that I wish that I could stop time. Reminds me of a poem I wrote last year:
Untitled ~ 5/15/03
I can see the rising and falling of my chest.
It's an indication that I truely am alive.
My breath flows in and out.
Blood runs red through my veins.
I can't feel it but I know it happens.
Time passes when I'm not aware.
Where did it pass to?
It's like it were in a hurry to get somewhere.
Why can't it stop?
Like pushing a pause button on life.
I wish to examine the picture.
To commit to memory the details.
The sights, the sounds, the feelings and the words.
I want to collect them all and savor them.
Put them in my scrapbook of a mind
and take them out to ponder over.
I have been thinking a lot lately. It's been keeping me up late at night recently. I have decided to make some changes that I didn't want to do but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I seem to be repeating the same behavior over and over as far as school is concerned. I'm paying for classes that I'm not putting much effort into and it all seems to pointless. Its basically like my dad said for the most part that I'm pouring money down the drain. I am highly considering withdrawaling from all my classes and just getting a job even though I would hate to do that. It would mean my dad was right about taking this semester off but at this point I really don't care about that. I need to do what is right for me and if I'm not dedicated to doing college right now then I should just take a small break or go back when I feel I'm ready and can do my best. I have until the 13th to decide what I want to do. At this point I don't think I could salvage a decent grade out of any of my classes. It would just be better to start fresh at a later date. So I have had this all on my mind for the past several days. It seems most of the people I know have something out of the ordinary going on in their lives. I've been trying to be there for those people some more. I hope it helps cause I don't want to see my friends hurting or struggling.
On the bright side, things with Michael are going wonderfully and having him to talk to is so wonderful. I don't know how I could be so lucky to be adle to be with a guy like that. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to our relationship. I love him so much that I don't even think that I truely knew what love was before. He makes me so incredibly happy when I'm with him and he always manages to cheer me up. Its so cool.
Well, I think I will actually go to bed now. I can think more clearly now that I got most of my thoughts on paper. I think my heads been spinning about on various topics lately and its making me foggy headed and I feel really out of it lately. I think its cause I haven't been writing as much I should be. I've been holding things in to much. I need to have an outlet to vent with. So I will be trying to write more, looking for a job and trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my parents about withdrawling from my classes and about the cruise that I want to go on in early May with Michael which is actually only a few weeks away. My parents maybe missing most of my birthday to go to New Mexico to visit my brother after my dad goes to Las Vegas for a pool tournament, so, maybe they won't be so freaked out about the cruise. I'm just worried because I have 2 things that I need to break to them now and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. Yes, I still have much thinking to do but I suppose I have vented enough for one night cause I'm actually getting tired. So off to bed I go...