(no subject)
so what now. i am currently covered in dog hair. i ended up trimming my dog when i went home for dinner today and am now covered in little bits of hair. this is totally useless information, but it is information that is a little easier to deal with than some of the stuff that's been going on lately. i am talking about all of the heavy stuff...the stuff no one wants to face. sometimes, even when it doesn't concern me i don't want to face it. i know why people hide. i try to keep things out in the open since it's the best way to be healthy, but it's difficult for a lot of people. we're conditioned to believe that we are not allowed to feel painful emotion. our society has made it seem like a sign of weakness. plus, these things are hard to deal with...and isn't it easier to deal with someone who has a smile on their face rather than crying their eyes out? yes, it is. but the fact remains that everyone has those times where they just need to let go of something, cry, scream, whatever. people who seem to always be happy are ALWAYS lying. no one is happy all the time. they are just better actors than some of us. me...i wear my emotions out on my sleeve. i can't always explain them, but i know they're extremely obvious to the people around me. i can't hide anything. in the past i wished i could hide it so that no one would know i was depressed, but i couldn't. everyone knew. it was obvious. it was hard, but at the same time, there is no point in pretending it didn't happen either. i was absolutely miserable and hating myself and my life every single day of the week. there are still days and times where my confidence wavers, where i feel like breaking down and screaming because nothing is going my way, but i can get past it now and move forward. i've been trying to put my feelings into words more, because it makes me feel better to get things out into the open, however painful they are. i'm putting them out there and saying that this is how i feel, like it or not. the end. i'm never going to be anybody but me, and i won't make any excuses for how i am. i don't know if life would be easier if i were someone else or harder. it doesn't matter. in the end, i will always wake up and be aubrey.
what makes everything frustrating is trying to make other people see their worth, and helping my friends to see the things they can't see themselves. i know i wouldn't have any problem with being a counselor and helping people i didn't know with their problems, but when you know someone's background everything becomes very complicated. who knows. all i know is that at the moment, i realized that i have been worrying about a whole lot of stupid bullshit that DOESN'T matter and is completely unimportant. some things that happen make you think and re-evaluate your life. what happened yesterday was one of those things. i do not have any reason to care about the stupid things i've been caring about. seriously. why the hell did i care so much? i can't even remember. it feels juvenile and lame. i just need to be the best me that i can be, despite certain people's images of me. i felt so low after hearing that i was considered to be a bad girl. i've never once thought of myself that way. yeah, sometimes i like things to be a little twisted or different. sometimes i like to take a couple risks. those things keep life interesting. but never in my entire life have i ever thought that i was the bad girl. a little rebellious maybe, for good reason since i grew up with not very many friends and quite alone out in the wilderness being a shy introvert with crooked teeth and a really bad haircut. i never thought of it as if i was a "bad girl." i just wanted to experience life and other things. i wanted to jump outside my protective bubble a little bit. maybe i jumped a little too far sometimes, i don't know. and yeah...i'm never going back inside that bubble. why would i want to be ignorant to what's out there? the more i experience, the more meaning my life will have. who cares if those experiences are bad? if they're good, great, if not, i will learn from them. ignorance may be bliss but for me it would be boring, and if there's one thing i CANNOT stand, it is boring. interesting people, interesting conversations, and new and varied experiences. what the hell is the point in living if you just do the same damn thing all the time? what a fucking waste. i think that's the problem with half the damn people in the world. every fucking day they wake up and they do the SAME EXACT THING. b o r i n g. square. predictable. i like to do things that surprise people and throw them off. make them angry because they can't figure me out. they can't put me into a neatly labeled box. any box that i was in wouldn't hold me for long, that much i've figured out. i would find a way to break free, even if it required me to hurt myself in the process. i would get the fuck out of there. who knows why i am the way i am? who knows why other people choose to try and label me? who knows why certain people just bring out the worst in me every day, while others inspire me to change? why would i even want to answer these questions? if i did...we'd be back to boring, and that's just pretty much unacceptable.
what makes everything frustrating is trying to make other people see their worth, and helping my friends to see the things they can't see themselves. i know i wouldn't have any problem with being a counselor and helping people i didn't know with their problems, but when you know someone's background everything becomes very complicated. who knows. all i know is that at the moment, i realized that i have been worrying about a whole lot of stupid bullshit that DOESN'T matter and is completely unimportant. some things that happen make you think and re-evaluate your life. what happened yesterday was one of those things. i do not have any reason to care about the stupid things i've been caring about. seriously. why the hell did i care so much? i can't even remember. it feels juvenile and lame. i just need to be the best me that i can be, despite certain people's images of me. i felt so low after hearing that i was considered to be a bad girl. i've never once thought of myself that way. yeah, sometimes i like things to be a little twisted or different. sometimes i like to take a couple risks. those things keep life interesting. but never in my entire life have i ever thought that i was the bad girl. a little rebellious maybe, for good reason since i grew up with not very many friends and quite alone out in the wilderness being a shy introvert with crooked teeth and a really bad haircut. i never thought of it as if i was a "bad girl." i just wanted to experience life and other things. i wanted to jump outside my protective bubble a little bit. maybe i jumped a little too far sometimes, i don't know. and yeah...i'm never going back inside that bubble. why would i want to be ignorant to what's out there? the more i experience, the more meaning my life will have. who cares if those experiences are bad? if they're good, great, if not, i will learn from them. ignorance may be bliss but for me it would be boring, and if there's one thing i CANNOT stand, it is boring. interesting people, interesting conversations, and new and varied experiences. what the hell is the point in living if you just do the same damn thing all the time? what a fucking waste. i think that's the problem with half the damn people in the world. every fucking day they wake up and they do the SAME EXACT THING. b o r i n g. square. predictable. i like to do things that surprise people and throw them off. make them angry because they can't figure me out. they can't put me into a neatly labeled box. any box that i was in wouldn't hold me for long, that much i've figured out. i would find a way to break free, even if it required me to hurt myself in the process. i would get the fuck out of there. who knows why i am the way i am? who knows why other people choose to try and label me? who knows why certain people just bring out the worst in me every day, while others inspire me to change? why would i even want to answer these questions? if i did...we'd be back to boring, and that's just pretty much unacceptable.