Age is Overrated! (Another Contemplation/Ranting of a Twisted Mind)
Have you ever known something, deep in your heart, to be true, but been unable to prove it to the world? Something about yourself, your personality, or anything, that you know - you know so well, you feel it surging through you, the soul the very truth of it, running through your veins!
I can't help but feel that I'm all alone sometimes. There are things about my life no one seems to be able to understand! I feel like I cry out, "I'm not the same! I am so different! Can't you see?!" And yet, no one seems to get it!
Yes, I am 19 years old. I was born on Wednesday, May 29th, 1985, at 9:26 in the morning. My time here has been shorter than many, but what has been contained the those years that add up to my total existence has made me very differerent from your average 19 year old girl.
I know 19 year old girls. I should. I am one, and have been grouped with those of my own age group for years. I don't understand their frivolties anymore than the rest of the 'outsiders' looking in on the age as a whole! But then again, this is not new. When I was 16, I did not understand the female 16 year old mentality. I was too busy with other, more important and useful endeavors.
I have never been the same. I've felt it in my heart, deep inside of me, eminating from the very source that is my entirety, from the day I was born. I just do not belong. Or do I, but not where I was born?
High school was mostly great, in that I could spend time with those who were on average a year or two older than I and interested in more advanced uses of their time. Granted, I was still a teenager, and for that, with all the confusions and normal fluctuations and extremes of life, I was not excused. However, my mind never seemed to be focused quite like those around me...
When I graduated, I was barely 17 years old. I had my 17th birthday, and a month or so later, I received my diploma and planned to leave for college. Now, at barely 19, I am going into my third year of college and am preparing to seriously investigate the next step of my life. At another crossroads of sorts, I am forced to look back and evaluate everything that has made me who I am, and why I have chose to be who I am today.
And yet, around me everywhere, all I hear is the constant advice, "Don't worry about it; you're still so young!" Am I? Really, now? Mentally am I the 19 year old child the world thinks me to be? I know the answer- I always have: No.
I have not felt 19 for years. In fact, on my 18th birthday, I was not happy, nor sad, just relieved- to finally be the age I'd felt myself to be for 2 years. To finally have the law catch up with my mind, and be considered an adult in the eyes of society, when I had had a strong head on my shoulders for years. I could've made decisions far better than average 18 year olds when I was 15 or 16.
And here I am. 19. Nineteen. My short life, just a drop in the puddle of my life. And yet, I feel I know so much more than I should, being merely 19. I could easily be 20, or 21. Probably 22 or 23. Maybe even 24. I will not say I know enough to be 25, for I simply lack the life experiences to give me such an excess of knowledge that unique experiences often bring. But I know in my heart I am not 19. There has to have been some mistake! Are you sure I was not born sooner? Even by a few years?
Nevertheless, every day I am faced with the reality that I am only 19 years of age, and the rest of the world view me as such. It does not matter how I act, or think, or what I do. For of course the number, the total years I have been on this earth, means vastly more than what I know or how I utilize my knowledge.
I don't claim to be smart. I don't claim to be better than anyone. I don't claim to be anything other than what I know I am.... but in all honesty, I do not believe myself to be 19. I simply can't. Every day, it seems, I get a calculator or pencil and paper and subtract the years, just to check... 2004 - 1985.... = ... 19 :( Again, no luck. I know in many ways, I probably do lack certain skills I should have by 19. And in many areas, I am probably right where I should be. But as a whole, my mind, my body, my emotions, my heart and soul- none of what I consider the majority of ME- feels my age.
And the cruel irony in it all, is that I don't even look my age! I have always looked younger than I am. So now, I am a 20something year old, stuck in a 19 year old body, which looks like a 16 year old body! Who planned this vile trick? What mischievous creature has it out for me? One day, no doubt, I'll thank you, but in the meantime, you are laughing, screeching into the night's chill air, at the intolerable suffering I face every day...all because of the value placed on age!
Maybe one day it will make sense. I'm sure it will. One day, all will fall into place, as it always does. I will appreciate my youthful looks, while many of my peers will be aging. I will appreciate my actual youth, while many of my friends and companions grow old around me. And yet, it still seems like it should make more sense now. They say age doesn't matter so much as people in general get older.... I must not have reached that critical age, for it still is rubbed in my face at least every day, usually more frequently!
This is my ranting, and I will not apologize for it. I honestly feel I have been done a grave injustice, but then again, this is my life, and I make a point of letting myself take these things from society and the rest of my world. But in the meantime, it would be heaven to receive just slightly more credit for all that I know I am.
And so, in my sleepless insanity,
I conclude,
Until the Future,
Only 19.
I can't help but feel that I'm all alone sometimes. There are things about my life no one seems to be able to understand! I feel like I cry out, "I'm not the same! I am so different! Can't you see?!" And yet, no one seems to get it!
Yes, I am 19 years old. I was born on Wednesday, May 29th, 1985, at 9:26 in the morning. My time here has been shorter than many, but what has been contained the those years that add up to my total existence has made me very differerent from your average 19 year old girl.
I know 19 year old girls. I should. I am one, and have been grouped with those of my own age group for years. I don't understand their frivolties anymore than the rest of the 'outsiders' looking in on the age as a whole! But then again, this is not new. When I was 16, I did not understand the female 16 year old mentality. I was too busy with other, more important and useful endeavors.
I have never been the same. I've felt it in my heart, deep inside of me, eminating from the very source that is my entirety, from the day I was born. I just do not belong. Or do I, but not where I was born?
High school was mostly great, in that I could spend time with those who were on average a year or two older than I and interested in more advanced uses of their time. Granted, I was still a teenager, and for that, with all the confusions and normal fluctuations and extremes of life, I was not excused. However, my mind never seemed to be focused quite like those around me...
When I graduated, I was barely 17 years old. I had my 17th birthday, and a month or so later, I received my diploma and planned to leave for college. Now, at barely 19, I am going into my third year of college and am preparing to seriously investigate the next step of my life. At another crossroads of sorts, I am forced to look back and evaluate everything that has made me who I am, and why I have chose to be who I am today.
And yet, around me everywhere, all I hear is the constant advice, "Don't worry about it; you're still so young!" Am I? Really, now? Mentally am I the 19 year old child the world thinks me to be? I know the answer- I always have: No.
I have not felt 19 for years. In fact, on my 18th birthday, I was not happy, nor sad, just relieved- to finally be the age I'd felt myself to be for 2 years. To finally have the law catch up with my mind, and be considered an adult in the eyes of society, when I had had a strong head on my shoulders for years. I could've made decisions far better than average 18 year olds when I was 15 or 16.
And here I am. 19. Nineteen. My short life, just a drop in the puddle of my life. And yet, I feel I know so much more than I should, being merely 19. I could easily be 20, or 21. Probably 22 or 23. Maybe even 24. I will not say I know enough to be 25, for I simply lack the life experiences to give me such an excess of knowledge that unique experiences often bring. But I know in my heart I am not 19. There has to have been some mistake! Are you sure I was not born sooner? Even by a few years?
Nevertheless, every day I am faced with the reality that I am only 19 years of age, and the rest of the world view me as such. It does not matter how I act, or think, or what I do. For of course the number, the total years I have been on this earth, means vastly more than what I know or how I utilize my knowledge.
I don't claim to be smart. I don't claim to be better than anyone. I don't claim to be anything other than what I know I am.... but in all honesty, I do not believe myself to be 19. I simply can't. Every day, it seems, I get a calculator or pencil and paper and subtract the years, just to check... 2004 - 1985.... = ... 19 :( Again, no luck. I know in many ways, I probably do lack certain skills I should have by 19. And in many areas, I am probably right where I should be. But as a whole, my mind, my body, my emotions, my heart and soul- none of what I consider the majority of ME- feels my age.
And the cruel irony in it all, is that I don't even look my age! I have always looked younger than I am. So now, I am a 20something year old, stuck in a 19 year old body, which looks like a 16 year old body! Who planned this vile trick? What mischievous creature has it out for me? One day, no doubt, I'll thank you, but in the meantime, you are laughing, screeching into the night's chill air, at the intolerable suffering I face every day...all because of the value placed on age!
Maybe one day it will make sense. I'm sure it will. One day, all will fall into place, as it always does. I will appreciate my youthful looks, while many of my peers will be aging. I will appreciate my actual youth, while many of my friends and companions grow old around me. And yet, it still seems like it should make more sense now. They say age doesn't matter so much as people in general get older.... I must not have reached that critical age, for it still is rubbed in my face at least every day, usually more frequently!
This is my ranting, and I will not apologize for it. I honestly feel I have been done a grave injustice, but then again, this is my life, and I make a point of letting myself take these things from society and the rest of my world. But in the meantime, it would be heaven to receive just slightly more credit for all that I know I am.
And so, in my sleepless insanity,
I conclude,
Until the Future,
Only 19.