(no subject)

[mysticmermaid]

Why do I only update when I feel like I'm going crazy? And its all because of him! Stay out of my life, get out of my head! How do I erase an entire year from my memory so that I can finally be happy again? I'm scared that I'm never going to be happy again in a relationship again because of them. They've deteriorated all the self confidence I once had. And in knowing this for some reason a part of me still misses them. Not the shit that I felt, but the happy silly fun times that I do have memories from being with them. But those aren't worth the pain that I have gone and am going through rite now. I want to forget everything about them, but my impecable memory for these things wont let me. I want to forget where they live, where they work, go to school. Their screennames, profiles, phone numbers. But I cant. They're stuck.

I've met new boys, boys that make me happy, but I'm still not, entirely. Becuase I have them as the little voices in my head saying I'm just a peice of trash that is going to fuck it up, screw them over, be the slut they say that I am, but I'm really not.

I just want to be happy, but I dont know how anymore. I want to just pack my shit, move out of Rochester now, not wait til I'm older and go with the guy I'm going to spend my life with. No, now, not have to deal with them anymore. But then I would be abandoning everything that makes me feel safe, my few friends that are actually there for me, and my parents.