(no subject)
Ah, livejournal. Last time I updated was over a year ago which seems a bit surreal. Has it really been that long? Apparently I'm a senior now, though honestly I feel like I still deserve to be a freshman or something of the sort. The seniors just seemed so.. confident and ready to move on when I was an underclassman. They were another race, living in another world, one filled with SAT's and college applications and preparations to move into the next phase of life. I guess I don't feel the reality of being a senior because I look at my peers and see stupidity all around. These people really haven't grown up in my eyes at all. Not to say that I'm much better.. am I ready for college? God knows I've had enough of high school and the complete lack of respect some students deserve, but it is also this double-standard that allows room for mistakes. Outside of this world, expectations are real. You aren't commended for being exceptional, but depending on the context, it may simply be expectded. As a high-schooler I am constantly showered with compliments regarding my maturity and work ethic, but will it be enough to impress, for example, a boss? Better yet, will I get INTO college? Yes, I know that I'll get into college, but.. where? The mystery is killing me. This time next year I have NO idea where I'll be, whereas when I wrote last year's entry I knew exactly what I'd be going through right now and what would be expected of me. I've been watching people older than me go through the college process for so many years now, and now that it's my turn, it seems like it's sprung up too fast. My whole life I've fundamentally been preparing for these 2 monthes; doing countless activities, takiing classes I hated because they "looked good", essentially being the ultimate resume whore (yes I'm aware), and it all comes down to NOW. 4 monthes from now it is out of my hands. RIGHT NOW, it is COMPLETELY in my hands. Can I take all the hard work I've done, all the stress I've felt and the things I've accomplished, and package it quaintly into this vague and pretentious "application"? Will it convey with honesty everything I've done and with the amount I've cared? No, probably not. Which makes me wonder if it's all been worth it. Really, why do I bother? I'll do "fine" whereever I go, I know that. I'll end up with a decent job and enough money to make a decent living. I've done enough thus far to say that comfortably. But will I ever have MORE? Am I capable of going above and beyond my own expectations? I don't know. It's something I SHOULD know by now, because it is with that confidence that I would like to send out these applications. But I send them with unease, with concern, with hope that colleges will be duped into thinking I'm good enough. And that's what kills me, the fact that I hope I've devised a clever enough trick, that I can not rely solely on my merit and confidence to carry me though.