I'm in a ranting-writing type of mood
And so I shall rant, seeing as there are at most TWO people that may ever even take the time to read this anymore, and most of the time, neither do. I suppose I WOULD rather people know my thoughts and give advice, but more often than not, you feel stupid a day later when everyone knows what stupid little things you fret about.
So there I was, lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and once again the miserable thought of my infinite loneliness struck my mind. It often plagues me...the thought that I'm something less than perfect. I mean, no one's perfect and yet, why have all these sub-perfect beings out there found people to make them happy, while I prance around in idle friendships and psuedo-relationships that lead me nowhere, and cause only more frustration and wonderment? I say psuedo because that's all they are. At the age of 20, I still, pathetically enough, have never once had a boyfriend to call my own. Looking back on it all, I wonder if I ever will.
Typical 16-year-old worries, right? Perhaps.
Don't get me wrong; I've had plenty of these "pseudo-relationships", which is better than some can say. I've had a number of people who I've been interested in likewise be interested in me, but it never seems to go anywhere, and that's why I wonder, "What's wrong with me?" True, a large majority of those relationships have been online, but so what? I know plenty of people who find the right person for them in much the same manner. Twice now, that I know of, people I thought I loved have gotten engaged to other people and I've had to sit by and watch, wondering why it couldn't have been me. Countless others have simply faded out of my life for no reason whatsoever. My time spent with them goes from being an excited mix of words and emotions to an occasional "hello", and finally to eerie silence, as we see each other online and never speak again. For no reason whatsoever.
Except that those people move on to find others who can hold their interest longer than I can, while I'm still here floating. So once again I ask, "What's wrong with me?" Even with real-life pseudo-relationships, it's the same. I always seem to fool myself, perhaps because I'm desperate for love...yet clearly I still don't even know what love is. It seems that for anyone who seems even remotely interested in me and who has even remotely-decent qualities, I fool myself into thinking I like them as more than a friend. Even if it never goes beyond friendship, or even if I was fooling myself all along by thinking they might like me for MORE than a friend. And every time I come crashing back to reality, after a few weeks or so of some stupid new "crush." Perhaps with the ones that actually make it to pseudo-relationships, it's just showing me what I want and don't want in a guy but that just means I'll get fussier and fussier and truly never find the one who's right for me. I see my brother with his wife and no matter how long they've been together, they're always happy to see each other and do stuff together and just BE together. Why can't I find someone like that, instead of all these people who simply "lose interest"? What is it that I'm doing wrong, that MAKES them lose interest?
Sigh. I wish I knew.
So there I was, lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and once again the miserable thought of my infinite loneliness struck my mind. It often plagues me...the thought that I'm something less than perfect. I mean, no one's perfect and yet, why have all these sub-perfect beings out there found people to make them happy, while I prance around in idle friendships and psuedo-relationships that lead me nowhere, and cause only more frustration and wonderment? I say psuedo because that's all they are. At the age of 20, I still, pathetically enough, have never once had a boyfriend to call my own. Looking back on it all, I wonder if I ever will.
Typical 16-year-old worries, right? Perhaps.
Don't get me wrong; I've had plenty of these "pseudo-relationships", which is better than some can say. I've had a number of people who I've been interested in likewise be interested in me, but it never seems to go anywhere, and that's why I wonder, "What's wrong with me?" True, a large majority of those relationships have been online, but so what? I know plenty of people who find the right person for them in much the same manner. Twice now, that I know of, people I thought I loved have gotten engaged to other people and I've had to sit by and watch, wondering why it couldn't have been me. Countless others have simply faded out of my life for no reason whatsoever. My time spent with them goes from being an excited mix of words and emotions to an occasional "hello", and finally to eerie silence, as we see each other online and never speak again. For no reason whatsoever.
Except that those people move on to find others who can hold their interest longer than I can, while I'm still here floating. So once again I ask, "What's wrong with me?" Even with real-life pseudo-relationships, it's the same. I always seem to fool myself, perhaps because I'm desperate for love...yet clearly I still don't even know what love is. It seems that for anyone who seems even remotely interested in me and who has even remotely-decent qualities, I fool myself into thinking I like them as more than a friend. Even if it never goes beyond friendship, or even if I was fooling myself all along by thinking they might like me for MORE than a friend. And every time I come crashing back to reality, after a few weeks or so of some stupid new "crush." Perhaps with the ones that actually make it to pseudo-relationships, it's just showing me what I want and don't want in a guy but that just means I'll get fussier and fussier and truly never find the one who's right for me. I see my brother with his wife and no matter how long they've been together, they're always happy to see each other and do stuff together and just BE together. Why can't I find someone like that, instead of all these people who simply "lose interest"? What is it that I'm doing wrong, that MAKES them lose interest?
Sigh. I wish I knew.