(no subject)

[mysticfire124]

monday...being today now...is going to be the worst day of my life. I have to be up by 7, go to the bank...go to CofC and cancel my living arrangements because i can't afford it and after 6-7 different people trying to cosign a loan for me fell through, I just don't think it was ever meant to be for me to live in a dorm or for me to ever just move out of the house. Then to add the cherry of gloom on my sundae of doom Max goes back to Germany and i wont see him for another few months but of course once again i always care more than the other party; but then again I've also been very sentimental as of late. Everything just feels so empty and i really felt as if this would be my turning point. I'd get out of the house, id be on my own, finally i would be doing what i have been dreaming of since middle school. I mean Christ knows i didn't get the guy, why can't i at least get the living arrangements? Well, whatever...everyones got to deal with disappointments and mine aren't even that important when you look at it. What have i got to whine about right? So i will be utterly dependent on my parents again, and i wont have time for a life. *le sigh* maybe it will get better...maybe things will look up one day and I'll realize the things i believed were the wrong decisions turned out to be the right ones, and things i used to regret will now be things i smile at and i wont feel so bad about the person i sometimes feel i have become. Maybe my problem is that i am just so detached from everything and all those people i love. It gets hard sometimes when i know that all my best friends have someone else to share their lives with, it gets hard knowing that you're no longer the person they think of first thing when something happens and that once again you have been replaced by someone else; as unintentional as it was. But still, you figure its not so bad, because you don't have to deal with the stress of a relationship and you think you have something bigger and better waiting for you, just to realize that your worst fear is coming true and you really are stuck at the place where all the dreaming began and where in all likelihood the dreaming will fade away to become comfort and then the things you believed were once touchable no matter how impossible no matter the fact that you tried and failed; they are no more and you sit there at the age of 30 something and wonder "where the hell did my life go?" Of course that only happens when you let it happen, and i know that even so i wont be moving out this fall *tear* I'll move out in the spring...I can't help but wonder though, what else is going to be pushed to the side just because i think i have all the time in the world? I suppose there is no sense in worrying about that which cant be changed because the truth is i am just a person who always dreams big, gets disappointed and then tries again with a different approach. Maybe this life of mine wont be measured in the big dreams i wish to accomplish, but maybe after a while my smaller dreams will build the bigger picture and though im afraid of failing maybe that picture will be the dream i was hoping for all along and maybe i was supposed to do it alone without that special someone to hold me because I guess not everybody was meant to have someone hold their hand when they went out to try and find their own path. *shrugs*

On a brighter note i get to go to D.C. on Wednesday and shall be visiting the Smithsonian as well as the pentagon, white house, library of congress and many malls. I'm going with Erika and her mom to visit Erika's sister Jayna who works at the pentagon; hence why we get to go on a tour of the building. I'm excited...a seven hour drive with nothing but good music on my i pod and good company surrounding me. Maybe It will help take my mind off of the things i've been thinking...love you guys!
Jess