(no subject)
i can barely move or breathe right now. I just found out my dad might lose his job. So there's a chance i might move again. I can't do it. I mean nothing is certain yet and there's a very good chance we will stay, but i can't help feeling just...destroyed inside, it's hard not to think that the same thing that happend before will happen again. The only reason i even care is because of Josh. I love him more than life itself and if i have to leave him...i'm gonna die of a broken heart. He was at my house today when my dad came home early and he tried to make me feel better, and we talked about and he said to me no matter what happens we'll be ok...If i do move it will hurt and be really horrible but we'll be ok...That just makes me feel worse because, how could he feel like he'll be ok? I mean obviously i'd want him to be but, if he felt the way i feel he'd never be able to think that. He's amazing the way he can still look at life like that even when the worst thing happens. I think he and I are too different, i don't think he loves me as much as i love him. He couldn't possibley. I mean when i talk to him about lol getting married and having kids and things like that he always acts like i'm talking like a crazy woman and says it's too far away to think about...why? cause he's not sure he wants it to happen? or he's not sure that it will happen and he dosn't want to get his hopes up? That's where it's really frustrating because...i'm not afraid to talk about it because i love him so much i am determined to make it work,i'm sure that it will work, i'm willing to compromise anything so we can be together, i'm willing to compromise everything in my life so he won't have to give up anything in his because i love him that much. Maybe i am crazy,maybe i love him too much . I do love him too much and it's gonna break me lol. I just can't stand the idea of life without him...so in some ways i wish i had never met him. But then i would never have known the love of my life. He kept saying today "you're sixteen," what the hell is that supposed to mean? i mean yes i have a whole life ahead of me but why can't it be a life with him? I don't think he really wants that. He's too practical. I know one of these days he'll read this. Josh i'm sorry you have to see this but i am scared to death because i don't know what's going to happen to us. Do you understand how much i love you?