this sux
I don't know what wrong with me. I feel like I'm going to burst out crying... someone commet to my post trigger it i think but it's not all that. I keep thinking about my mother and our relationship. Was is wrong for her to have sex with me? To teach me everything I needed to know about women.. to make me think that being gay is wrong... Don't get me wrong I still think it is. Intelect aside I can't get over it. thats why it's so hard to be with Charles... He's so good to me and yet.. I wonder why he is with me. Part of the reason i got back together with him is because his old flame keept trying to get in his pants and rape him. I have to protect him right? Besides I guess.. I like bing with him... or something.
Why did my mom raise me like that? Even when she was gone her friends took care of me and I had no release. As the years went by i meet more and more people that knew her and were more than willing to "help me". My fiance probably hate me now, she gave me a nice greeting. Well I mean she was trying to help. I was going soft and she turned on the tourture. I boke out of her apt after telling her I was gay and loved charles. She knows where I am I think and I'm worried about her comming here to find me.
Part of me wants to help her actually, get her away from her father and tell her she doesn't have to be hurt anymore. I could have done that if I married her, why didn't I? Maybe i should go back.
Charles has all these fucking kids around... he takes care of them and they love him and yay for everyone! I hate them, i hate them being here. Charles doesn't let me hurt them but I have to see them all the time. I'm going to stop now becuase I know where this is giong and theres no point to see it though here. it's to personal for a public post.
Cross posted in abusedboys