(no subject)
Writing is all I have right now.
I am so sick of everything having to do with people, which...is basically everything in my life. People are my life, people revolve around my life, I have to deal with people everyday, and if it were up to me I would seclude myself for a weeks trip on a deserted beach island hopefully with no one around to eat me or claim their land by ripping out my insides and hanging them from a palm tree. It's basically like my body is a big secret. Some people know this, some people know that, and some people know pretty much every damn thing, and if you do I am sorry. Unfortunately in a world where people are hated so much, people are really the only thing that anyone has. You either let someone be there for you, or you sit there...alone and betrayed. So I guess I could call myself a hypocrite right now, simply because I don't want to be alone, but no one can really do anything for me. I don't understand how a spasm of drama can happen within 5 minutes of me being gone, I don't understand how someone can say one thing and completely go against everything they stand for, I don't understand how I am supposed to be okay with something I don't deserve, and I especially don't understand why it is people think they can take advantage of me, meaning to or not. All I can really do is sit here and sigh because I feel like there is nothing left to do. I wish I did not have emotions, I wish I could just have the ability to not love, to not cry, to not be so affected by every god damn thing the world does to me. Call me emo, call me rash, it's what I fucking feel and I don't give a shit anymore. Maybe this is why I have been wanting to drink so much lately, because when I am having fun I don't worry about saying things that will be taken the wrong way, I can make everyone laugh if I really want to, and I smile...and I mean it. For all those who have a closed mind...no I am not becoming a fucking alcoholic, and no I do not see that in my future. I simply feel more real, more intense, when I am intoxicated...and maybe that is unfortunate but I have no other choice.
I am just a five year old child that doesn't understand much of anything except that the world is a big place, and I am just a figment who is already dissipating.
I am so sick of everything having to do with people, which...is basically everything in my life. People are my life, people revolve around my life, I have to deal with people everyday, and if it were up to me I would seclude myself for a weeks trip on a deserted beach island hopefully with no one around to eat me or claim their land by ripping out my insides and hanging them from a palm tree. It's basically like my body is a big secret. Some people know this, some people know that, and some people know pretty much every damn thing, and if you do I am sorry. Unfortunately in a world where people are hated so much, people are really the only thing that anyone has. You either let someone be there for you, or you sit there...alone and betrayed. So I guess I could call myself a hypocrite right now, simply because I don't want to be alone, but no one can really do anything for me. I don't understand how a spasm of drama can happen within 5 minutes of me being gone, I don't understand how someone can say one thing and completely go against everything they stand for, I don't understand how I am supposed to be okay with something I don't deserve, and I especially don't understand why it is people think they can take advantage of me, meaning to or not. All I can really do is sit here and sigh because I feel like there is nothing left to do. I wish I did not have emotions, I wish I could just have the ability to not love, to not cry, to not be so affected by every god damn thing the world does to me. Call me emo, call me rash, it's what I fucking feel and I don't give a shit anymore. Maybe this is why I have been wanting to drink so much lately, because when I am having fun I don't worry about saying things that will be taken the wrong way, I can make everyone laugh if I really want to, and I smile...and I mean it. For all those who have a closed mind...no I am not becoming a fucking alcoholic, and no I do not see that in my future. I simply feel more real, more intense, when I am intoxicated...and maybe that is unfortunate but I have no other choice.
I am just a five year old child that doesn't understand much of anything except that the world is a big place, and I am just a figment who is already dissipating.