late night ramblings
i saw a person earlier tonight go thru something that brings back shades of my past marriage and something that i know that i will not go thru again. how do i know? i know because mike loves me and that he has gone thru his own difficult times and therefore would not bring those or anything like that into our relationship and neither would i. grant it that i have not gone thru what she has but i had been in a relationship that was bad and full of emotional and mental abuse. i did not realize it at the time until it was brought to my attention by friends and even then i did not realize it and did not think that i had a way out of it. it got to the point where i saw a change in my ex and i did not like it. i started talking to a crisis counselor at a women's shelter and started piecing things together and somehow found the strength to get my shit together and do it myself. sometimes i wonder where i found the strength and the courage to do it. i am lucky that i never had to face the physical abuse that alot of women go thru but considering all the mind games and such i did go thru quite a bit. its hard for me to remember all the bs that he put me thru. i think i somehow buried it deep in my mind, so deep that i cannot recall it easily and that is prolly for the best. it has done damage tho and goddess bless mike for putting up with me when i go thru the bad times.
it is weird for me at times when i sit and think of that old life and the life that i am leading now. i feel as tho that past life was a bad dream and its hard to picture that life that i lead then. time has flown by and now i am in my forties. yikes, me? old? this age? yuck! LOL. when my mom was my age she had 3 kids, all teenagers. wow. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had been blessed with a child and sometimes i feel as tho i missed something, ya know? i guess it is not in the goddess's plan for me to be a mother, at least for now. my biological clock is still ticking tho and sometimes i stamp my foot like marisa tomei. i see these mothers on tv with a million children that had them by different fathers, and i see these teenagers who throw away their babies in dumpsters and it just takes my breath away and brings tears to my eyes. i would love to adopt a child but you have to jump thru hoops to even get a child. yet there are parents abusing and killing their children everyday and rarely are they stopped. why can't they make it easier for people to provide a safe environment for these children?
i hope that it works out for this person, honestly. i hate to see someone so upset,even if she is the one bringing down the rain on herself. people do weird shit when they are in pain and sometimes you can get real stupid. i just wish that she would see the light and straighten herself and her life out. goddess watch over her please.
i am tired and should go to sleep. but i cannot for the moment as too many thoughts are running thru my head. even the time in that house is starting to fade a little bit now. i cannot believe that it got so bad as to be brutal,emotional and even violent where my life was threatened. yea, i heard her say it. and i still shiver at that thought. what brings that out from someone? it is not like i egged her on or gave her cause for this outbreak, this violence. its not like i fought with her on a daily basis or was disrespectful. yea, i have my moments just like everyone else. and yea i can seem cold and distant and yea, even snobby i suppose but i put it down to several reasons. mainly its a defense mechanism that kicks in. it goes back to the 15 years that i spent with my ex and the 8 years i spent in his parent's house. and it also has to do with me being bitchy and having a bad day or two. perhaps i should not have been so nice and should have had hissy fits or stood up for myself more? who knows and i say good riddance to those two years! if she trys to make nicey nice i am not going to buy it this time. and the good thing about this is...mike doesn't buy it either. he is disgusted as well.
we have been here a little over a month now, time flying by again. i have lots of plans and ideas and dreams and now we are in a place that we can start anew and actually do things that we want to do now, and noone can say no! first things first is getting married. i am a bit nervous tho. some of my family is coming down and i am glad to see them. like i said previously i hope that two of them behave themselves. i expect the worse and hope for the best, lol. trina said that i should not worry that she will take care of becky and mom. trina is my hero! i have this weird feeling that becky and my mom do not approve of mike, nor do they approve that we are here in karen and greg's house. but hey! its our lives is it not? i am confused. i want their blessing and approval but i know that i will never really have it. its like they give it grudgingly and not wholeheartedly. it sucks. i have always fought for it and never really have gotten it. they just mumble the words and then turn around and walk away. its like when i am trying to talk during a family gathering and when i am saying something and when i pause to take a breath they talk again so then i have to yell and say "dammit i ain't finished speaking yet" and then they look at me as if i am crazy and wrong for being rude when they are the ones who are being rude! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
a crazy thought here, are they coming to see us married and that is the only reason or are becky and mom "checking" things out? hmmm...being paranoid again LOL. i dunno. just crazy stupid thoughts running thru my head at 2 am. blame it on lack of sleep and too much caffeine. i should be getting to bed now as mike says he wants to get up early and get some errands done. night
it is weird for me at times when i sit and think of that old life and the life that i am leading now. i feel as tho that past life was a bad dream and its hard to picture that life that i lead then. time has flown by and now i am in my forties. yikes, me? old? this age? yuck! LOL. when my mom was my age she had 3 kids, all teenagers. wow. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had been blessed with a child and sometimes i feel as tho i missed something, ya know? i guess it is not in the goddess's plan for me to be a mother, at least for now. my biological clock is still ticking tho and sometimes i stamp my foot like marisa tomei. i see these mothers on tv with a million children that had them by different fathers, and i see these teenagers who throw away their babies in dumpsters and it just takes my breath away and brings tears to my eyes. i would love to adopt a child but you have to jump thru hoops to even get a child. yet there are parents abusing and killing their children everyday and rarely are they stopped. why can't they make it easier for people to provide a safe environment for these children?
i hope that it works out for this person, honestly. i hate to see someone so upset,even if she is the one bringing down the rain on herself. people do weird shit when they are in pain and sometimes you can get real stupid. i just wish that she would see the light and straighten herself and her life out. goddess watch over her please.
i am tired and should go to sleep. but i cannot for the moment as too many thoughts are running thru my head. even the time in that house is starting to fade a little bit now. i cannot believe that it got so bad as to be brutal,emotional and even violent where my life was threatened. yea, i heard her say it. and i still shiver at that thought. what brings that out from someone? it is not like i egged her on or gave her cause for this outbreak, this violence. its not like i fought with her on a daily basis or was disrespectful. yea, i have my moments just like everyone else. and yea i can seem cold and distant and yea, even snobby i suppose but i put it down to several reasons. mainly its a defense mechanism that kicks in. it goes back to the 15 years that i spent with my ex and the 8 years i spent in his parent's house. and it also has to do with me being bitchy and having a bad day or two. perhaps i should not have been so nice and should have had hissy fits or stood up for myself more? who knows and i say good riddance to those two years! if she trys to make nicey nice i am not going to buy it this time. and the good thing about this is...mike doesn't buy it either. he is disgusted as well.
we have been here a little over a month now, time flying by again. i have lots of plans and ideas and dreams and now we are in a place that we can start anew and actually do things that we want to do now, and noone can say no! first things first is getting married. i am a bit nervous tho. some of my family is coming down and i am glad to see them. like i said previously i hope that two of them behave themselves. i expect the worse and hope for the best, lol. trina said that i should not worry that she will take care of becky and mom. trina is my hero! i have this weird feeling that becky and my mom do not approve of mike, nor do they approve that we are here in karen and greg's house. but hey! its our lives is it not? i am confused. i want their blessing and approval but i know that i will never really have it. its like they give it grudgingly and not wholeheartedly. it sucks. i have always fought for it and never really have gotten it. they just mumble the words and then turn around and walk away. its like when i am trying to talk during a family gathering and when i am saying something and when i pause to take a breath they talk again so then i have to yell and say "dammit i ain't finished speaking yet" and then they look at me as if i am crazy and wrong for being rude when they are the ones who are being rude! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
a crazy thought here, are they coming to see us married and that is the only reason or are becky and mom "checking" things out? hmmm...being paranoid again LOL. i dunno. just crazy stupid thoughts running thru my head at 2 am. blame it on lack of sleep and too much caffeine. i should be getting to bed now as mike says he wants to get up early and get some errands done. night