thoughtful
Last night was an eye opener for me in many ways. I spent a couple hrs with Mella last night online, and my mind is still reeling from it. So many thoughts go through my head this morning that sometimes it is hard to keep them straight. I wonder if she understands the can of worms she opened up last night with her words. Years ago, I put walls up so I wouldn’t feel things and they have stayed up strong until she brought them down with a crash. i had taught myself to ignore certain feelings, to believe that they were not necessary for me to be happy, I didn’t need them. Last night she proved to me how wrong I was. I do need touch and intimacy in my life. Feeling these things is not a bad thing. But what happens now, how do I keep these walls down when I am so alone. What is wrong with me that I was forced to put them up in the first place? Why was I taught that I was not important enough to have these things in my life? I feel so confused right now. Can the things that she said truly be in my life, and not hurt me? I find I really do want more and that is a little scary, all of this feels so new to me.