and there is also good news
Often, I have come to this space to express frustrations or to explain the dilemmas I am currently stumped by (it seems there is always one or another) but now I am looking a bit at some of the resolutions I have been finding and the suggestions from within that. So, I am a bit afraid that some of my insights will not be kept, at least not in my conscious awareness. This is what I am learning:
-Many of the changes in my life that I tend to obsess about are sort of cosmetic changes in the big picture of samsara. Yes those cosmetic changes can be good and fine and the underlying process will go on in any case. They are all built on a nondual reality about which we can actually say very little but, as much as my difficulties in work may have been burdensome, they have never been Reality as such.
-I am beginning to understand that in the process asking whether to stay where I am and improve it, to think of new career direction, or to try to get into a better university, the last suggestion is about aiming something that barely exists, if at all. Sure, I might eventually be able to change jobs within the system here, but probably not and if I do, I am likley to only have a small change here or there in a academic system that, all over the world, is basically sick. I am probably much smarter at the moment to be more creative than simply trying to change universities. I likely won't change jobs until I move away from Turkey, because if I opt for a change, I prefer it to be a big one. And where I work now encourages certain prejudices against me elsewhere in this country, in academic institutions, unfortunately.
And this is an important one: For a long time people have been telling me that I need to become more focused on my healing work and offering of my gifts to others. Well, it has felt for a while like that was still not a message that my heart could interpret fully or tha I could really work with all the way down into lived physical reality, other than the occasional project here or there. But I believe that is changing. DUring a kabbalistic practice that I was doing today, I suddenly saw this self-diagnosis of some of my own issues around sexuality and asscoiated things and this was based on the tree of life and the way it was manifesting in my body energetically and physically. I understood that if I cn combine many of my techniques and practices with this insight and perhaps look at the tree of the body in others, I could dramatically increase my ability to help heal and bless others in ways that might be somehow more precise or in ways that would give my psychic a way to hang information on a peg. Looking at chakras or meridians doesnt exactly work for me. I am also going to be doing more intuitive work with plants and learning famliy constellations. But those details are not important. The important thing is that today, for the first time, I really started to go within and find my healing ability again, after not emphasising this aspect of my life-calling and sense of self for many years and not fully, err...owning it and holding the knowledge that I have, with confidence. Somehow I saw this knowledge clearly and completely for what it is...a dormant gift, but a very real one. Lately memories have been coming back to me of experiences I had in my twenties when I was able to independently confirm illnesses in people about whose bodies I did not have any previous knowledge. Its time to come home to these things as key gifts and aspects of myself that I don't need to cover in worries about academic prestige etc...Perhaps once this comes to the more central place it deserves, other issues will find their more appropriate place and I will suffer less from them.
After my really crappy burn out last month, I am grateful just to be well, relatively unstressed and able to spend a sweet nice day with my boyfriend, at home, while it rains and rains and rains outside.
And, while I don't have time to dive deeply into this (a subject that indeed deserves both depth and diving in) I am realising that coming home to myself may be the only thing that will ever allow me the freedom to know where I should live and what I should be doing with my time and energy. So long as I am homeless inwardly, I will never really, truly be at home anywhere in the outer reality. That "home" has appeared more to my consciousness during certain other kabbalistic practices I have been doing with pathworking on the tree of life in another context. I used to feel it when I was dreaming that I lived in Belgium (why that is, would be a lot to explain now).
Well, I am still seeking home but somehow parts of me can register what it feels like, smells like, what the ground is like to my feet, what the resting places feel like to my sense of touch...what sorts of lights are in it, are visible to me, if at a bit of a distance and only at certain moments. But I have the feeling I am close because the register is here in an indescribable way.
R
-Many of the changes in my life that I tend to obsess about are sort of cosmetic changes in the big picture of samsara. Yes those cosmetic changes can be good and fine and the underlying process will go on in any case. They are all built on a nondual reality about which we can actually say very little but, as much as my difficulties in work may have been burdensome, they have never been Reality as such.
-I am beginning to understand that in the process asking whether to stay where I am and improve it, to think of new career direction, or to try to get into a better university, the last suggestion is about aiming something that barely exists, if at all. Sure, I might eventually be able to change jobs within the system here, but probably not and if I do, I am likley to only have a small change here or there in a academic system that, all over the world, is basically sick. I am probably much smarter at the moment to be more creative than simply trying to change universities. I likely won't change jobs until I move away from Turkey, because if I opt for a change, I prefer it to be a big one. And where I work now encourages certain prejudices against me elsewhere in this country, in academic institutions, unfortunately.
And this is an important one: For a long time people have been telling me that I need to become more focused on my healing work and offering of my gifts to others. Well, it has felt for a while like that was still not a message that my heart could interpret fully or tha I could really work with all the way down into lived physical reality, other than the occasional project here or there. But I believe that is changing. DUring a kabbalistic practice that I was doing today, I suddenly saw this self-diagnosis of some of my own issues around sexuality and asscoiated things and this was based on the tree of life and the way it was manifesting in my body energetically and physically. I understood that if I cn combine many of my techniques and practices with this insight and perhaps look at the tree of the body in others, I could dramatically increase my ability to help heal and bless others in ways that might be somehow more precise or in ways that would give my psychic a way to hang information on a peg. Looking at chakras or meridians doesnt exactly work for me. I am also going to be doing more intuitive work with plants and learning famliy constellations. But those details are not important. The important thing is that today, for the first time, I really started to go within and find my healing ability again, after not emphasising this aspect of my life-calling and sense of self for many years and not fully, err...owning it and holding the knowledge that I have, with confidence. Somehow I saw this knowledge clearly and completely for what it is...a dormant gift, but a very real one. Lately memories have been coming back to me of experiences I had in my twenties when I was able to independently confirm illnesses in people about whose bodies I did not have any previous knowledge. Its time to come home to these things as key gifts and aspects of myself that I don't need to cover in worries about academic prestige etc...Perhaps once this comes to the more central place it deserves, other issues will find their more appropriate place and I will suffer less from them.
After my really crappy burn out last month, I am grateful just to be well, relatively unstressed and able to spend a sweet nice day with my boyfriend, at home, while it rains and rains and rains outside.
And, while I don't have time to dive deeply into this (a subject that indeed deserves both depth and diving in) I am realising that coming home to myself may be the only thing that will ever allow me the freedom to know where I should live and what I should be doing with my time and energy. So long as I am homeless inwardly, I will never really, truly be at home anywhere in the outer reality. That "home" has appeared more to my consciousness during certain other kabbalistic practices I have been doing with pathworking on the tree of life in another context. I used to feel it when I was dreaming that I lived in Belgium (why that is, would be a lot to explain now).
Well, I am still seeking home but somehow parts of me can register what it feels like, smells like, what the ground is like to my feet, what the resting places feel like to my sense of touch...what sorts of lights are in it, are visible to me, if at a bit of a distance and only at certain moments. But I have the feeling I am close because the register is here in an indescribable way.
R