Confused
I am fucking confused as shit right now. I am so lost. I am so found at the same time. I found myself. I think. I found a piece of myself that I thought I had lost anyways. I am confused on where I am going. I am fucking smart as fuck. I know this. I am stuck in science now. I know this. I am debating heavily throwing away everything I have been working towards to switch over to study quantum physics for the rest of my life. If you had told me I would even take this into consideration in the Fall I would have told you to shut the fuck up. I cried over Physics homework. I hated that class. And now, I fucking love it. I fucking love the way it challenges my brain. I actually feel challenged to think! And not in the tedious memorize this and that way that biology presents to me. I have to think about the entire process completely and analyze it outside and inside the box. I fucking love it. My brain feels works when I do Physics. I do Physics homework to avoid Botany homework. I seriously think I am in the wrong major. But I fucking love biology also. The complexity of life astounds me. I really can see myself delving into cyanobacteria and experimenting with their crazy mechanisms. And I know that I am not at the point in biology where I am supposed to be challenged. It's the interpretation of the experiment that is the hard stuff in biology. The pulling meaning out of the data. But to sit an philosophize about something that can't really be experimented with or proven intrigues me soooo much. I always like quantum physics. I was minimally able to understand it until I built up this base level of knowledge about the laws of the universe. And now I revisit it and dive in deeper and I find a completely new love affair. A passion. A intertwined connection to my soul. It is the science that will someday prove my spirituality. To aid in that proof. To work towards "converting" all the people who look at me like I'm crazy when I say all matter is connected. Where are my passions? What the fuck do I want to spend the rest of my life doing? Oh my god. I'm so fucking lost. I'm so fucking lost. I love learning. I love philosophy. I love nature. I want to go into outer space. I want to live on the space station for more than a couple months. I want to be driven with a passionate love for whatever my career is. I want that love to never ever die off. I want that love to grow stronger the more I learn in my field. I want to never hate what I am doing ever in my life. I just don't know what that will be yet. I have decided I do not want to get into ecology. I will get bored. I will have to deal with taxonomy for a large part of it, and keying out unknown plants/animals. I fucking hate keying out shit. I hate taxonomy. So no ecology. That is why I started down this path. I was exposed to Physics. I found a new love. Should I continue? Should I give up everything? Should I just get my BS and then decide? They would probably accept me into grad school in a Physics department with a Botany degree. The Botany department accepts people with Math degrees. Oh god. I'm so confused. I want a direction to strive to. This has knocked me off my path so strongly. I first had this thought about three months ago. I have been toying with it since then. The confirmation spun in into a new direction. I know what I believe is real. I want to prove it to the world with irrefutable evidence. I know that can never be done, however. I also want money. I do not want to have to scrape by. What do quantum physicists even do???? My understanding is sit around coming up with the Math to prove their philosophy. I like the philosophy. I'm not so into the Math, I am afraid of the Math. Should I let that stop me? Fuck. Should I just be an astrobiologist obsessed with quantum physics. Astronomy and physics go hand in hand. More available money for astrobiology. More passion about quantum physics. Fuck it's probably the only thing I have ever felt this crazy insane need to know more cannot stuff enough into my brain about the subject feeling about. But is it really wise to chase it. Where will I get bored with it? Is this just a tangent or life long love affair? Am I smart enough? Am I smart enough? Am I smart enough? That is the real question. Am I smart enough to even be in science at all? Fuck, I doubt it a lot. But I am smarter than most people I know. You know what the fucked up thing is? People assume I am smart just because I tell them my major is Botany and it's science. Fuck. You have not even had a conversation with me! How do you know I'm not just regurgitating the shit pounded into my brain via lecture? Is your quantification of intelligence really that low that just because I'm a Botany major that makes me smart? I think it's also the glasses. I don't always feel smart. I don't always feel capable. I sometimes feel like all I do is memorize and regurgitate. Until I find someone capable of having a stimulating conversation that forces me to bring up my own theories. My own thoughts, based off all that has been crammed into this head. I wonder if Einstein ever felt like a moron. I bet he did. I wonder is he ever questioned his own intelligence. His own theories. Or if he just knew he was fucking amazing. And was arrogant about it. I wonder if I had a better childhood if I would be less driven by knowledge. School was always my escape from home. I associated a positive connection with learning at a young age. A way to escape into my room, a way to hide from the fucked up shit at home, a way to physically remove myself from that stress, a way to delve into another world that was so far away from everything I knew. An emotional crutch. I wonder what Einstein's childhood was like. I bet the history books are chalk full of lies about it. Fuck. I. Am confused. I am only sure about one thing. I am not insane. I may be a little crazy, may be a little wacky, may be a little spastic...but I am not insane. I was right. I am right. It does. Exist. Fuck. My brain is in such a crazy spot. I have a REALLY busy night tonight. I have a midterm, then climbing right after, then coming home to shove food into my face/take a shower/hopefully get some homework typed out. And then...I have a date. With a boy who wears a kilt and rides a motorcycle with a side car. If it goes well (and isn't raining) I might ask to ride in his side car to the wildlife refuge. Where I can take refuge on these thoughts running through my brain that cannot will not stop. They will just be turned much more dirty and less serious versions. That would be nice. Some warmth would be nice. I'll settle for adrenaline from climbing and stimulation from excellent conversation though.