one life to live...
Sometimes I really just hate myself... I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I love with all my heart... and yet I find ways to push her away. I'm so scared of losing her that I ask stupid questions all the time or I assume things, and I have no reason to... I don't want force her away, but I feel like I am. I have told her countless times that I am trying to change but then I turn around and do it again... What the hell is wrong with me? I truly want to stop being this way and some days its even easy... but then others its just hard, like I find myself wondering if she really feels the same about me or just thinks that she does or just says it to make me happy... but I know she does love me. I'm pretty sure that her saying shes Bi makes it harder for me to think shes happy, I keep feeling like one day shes going to want to be with a guy to raise a beautiful family and it makes me so sad that I cant be enough and I cant give her those things. I HATE not being enough. She tells me I am for now, but what does that mean? That in a few years from now I might not be? Like I know no one can tell who they will love in the end, and I don't expect her to say she will be with me forever becuase no one knows that... Another thing is that she isn't sure if she wants to go to her prom, but if she does she says she wants to go with a boy, which I understand as long as its just a friend... but what is she so afraid of if she were to go with me? or is it that she is embarrassed of loving a girl? whatever it is, it hurts. But when I tell her I would rather have her go with a boy whose just a friend then not at all... that's the truth. I don't want her feeling like shes missing out on things in life becuase of me. This world is truly hard, I mean I know that if being gay was totally accepted this wouldn't be an issue. Maybe my own girlfriend would actually want to go to the prom with me. and not be scared to hold my hand in public and not be afraid of what people say. well congratulations homophobes!! you have truly managed to fuck up my life. I mean because of this world I might lose the one person who ever truly made me feel whole. Throughout my life I have been beaten, made fun of, left alone, and finally when I meet this amazing beautiful girl who likes me for me, I can't even share all the important moments in my life with her becuase of fear... She probably thinks I'm not afraid or that I don't care what people say or think becuase I'm always trying to hold her hand or get close to her in public and I get annoyed when she doesn't want to tell her friends about me. But what she doesn't realize is its the opposite, I am scared shitless... But the difference is that I realize we only have one life to make this work, one chance to live it all up and be who we are, and if we cant be who we are and love who we love freely then what is the point in living... so I try to be myself and love who I love with no regrets and yes there is fear, there always will be fear, but the way I see it is that people will always judge no matter what so I want to be happy in my own life and I want her to feel like she can love me without being ashamed... Because even if she doesn't know it or mean it, it hurts to love someone so much and know they love you back but let fear sometimes override that love. So Shawna, if you read this, I want you to know that I live in fear of being who I am, but I will NOT allow it to hurt my love for you... I mean this might all sound random and hard to understand but just take from it what you want and know that when we are out in public you aren't alone with that fear, I just try not to let mine show.