For cryin out loud!
If it's not one thing.. it's another.
So the past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I had something good happen and something bad happen.
The good..
I haven't been getting along with my Dad lately because he has so many expectations of me that I can never meet and things were getting more and more tense between us because he wanted explainations and I couldn't give him any. See.. I don't talk to my Dad. Not like I do my Mom. So he usually only hears bits and pieces of things about how I am doing. He gets mad sometimes because I don't tell him stuff. But I can't talk to him because he usually doesn't want to listen. He will interupt.. talk down to me.. make me feel stupid.. and then if I cry... he will start screaming and then get up and leave. He has always been like this. So I just don't tell him stuff.
But that just wasn't working anymore because some pretty big things were happening with my meds changing and I was not doing good. And he was still expecting me to be all hunky dory.. he just had no idea just how bad it has gotten.
So I told him.
Not face to face though. In a letter.
I told him EVERYTHING. Everything about how I have been feeling over the past six months or so and why.. I laid it all out. So he would finally know. And maybe get off my back. LOL
I had no idea how he would take it. I was just hoping he would try to understand and give me a little bit of breathing room.
Turns out.. he took it wonderfully. He is like a changed man around me now. He is so much more understanding and is more willing to do whatever I might need him to do to help me.
We still haven't talked about it. LOL No.. that would be crazy. In fact.. he hasn't said a word about it to me or my Mom. But I could see the difference in him immediately. So I have no regrets.
If anyone is curious about what I wrote.. you are welcome to read it.
Dear Dad,
It is so difficult to explain what is going through my head and what I am thinking or how my brain works but I am going to give it a try because I care so much about what you think of me and I don’t want you to think that I just don’t care.
You know that a while ago my psychiatrist (p-doc) and I came to the conclusion that the combination of meds that I have been on for over ten years no longer seemed to be working for me. We think that being on them for so long I have basically built up an immunity to them. And I am already taking such high doses.. It just made sense to try something new. Something that might work better.
My P-doc suggested this idea after I finally admitted to her how much I hated myself for not being able to handle college. When I wasn’t able to handle it, I blamed myself and I still do mostly. Even though my P-doc tells me I shouldn’t cause it was the disorder and there was nothing I could do about it. She says I did my best with what I was dealt but I still feel stupid and incompetent. I still feel like a complete and total loser. When I couldn’t handle it, I lost all faith in myself to do anything. I thought there was no point in trying anymore because I obviously wasn’t capable of living a normal life. I felt like everything I had worked so hard for to build self-esteem was just gone. Because I had tried so many times in the past and failed at everything I tried to do. I didn’t have the strength to try again. And honestly, I still don’t.
I tried to be honest with her. Being honest about how I feel and what I am thinking is always extremely hard for me. That is why it has taken me a week to write this and why I couldn’t talk to you about it to your face. It is why I am crying right now and if it wasn’t so important to me that you know these things, I probably would have never told you.
But I forced myself to be honest with her because I knew that it was bad. I know when things are bad because I know the things I should care about, and I just didn’t care.
So we started weaning me off of my anti-depressant (Paxil) and onto a new one called Effexor. It took several months to get me off of my old anti-depressant and onto the new one. I dealt with major side effects, mood swings, bawling constantly, and increased anxiety.…You know all that.
But as I came off of a very high dose of the Paxil, I had to start with a very small dose of the Effexor. They couldn’t just give me the same doses I was taking of the Paxil because they are different drugs. They could only start me out on the smallest dose of Effexor. To make sure my body could handle it. Anti-depressants aren’t like other drugs.. With one size fits all. Each person responds to each drug differently. So I am forced to start out with the lowest dose they can give me.
So even though I have been able to get completely off the Paxil, I am only on a small dose of Effexor.
Now I am going to be honest here and I can only hope that you won’t get mad at me. But if you really want to know the truth of what has been going on for the past few months, I have to say this.
A couple months ago I new I was in real trouble when I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to die. I felt it so much that I actually scared myself and called my P-doc and told her that I couldn’t wait till my next appointment to increase the Effexor, that we had to do it now. This was really hard for me because when I get depressed I live inside my head. It is going to be really hard to explain this in order to make you understand but I started doing this when I was about 13 years old. I created these whole new worlds inside my head that I lived in, where I was happy and far away from having to deal with anything in reality. Doctors call it a form of disassociation. When I get depressed or upset I escape into my head where I don’t feel those things.
I can live in my head so completely that I won’t know how many days went by, and I actually begin to have trouble coming back into the real world.
And ever since I have had to start taking such a low dose of this new anti-depressant, and my depression has gotten worse and worse, I have been living in my head more and more.
Even when the doctor said that she would call in an increase to the pharmacy, it took me four days to get myself there to pick it up. Unfortunately, when I got there, they told me the doctor never called it in. But that is nothing new when you are dealing with Horizon. By the time I knew it was there, and it was time for me to get my other meds too, I was such a basket case I didn’t want to leave the house. That was when I called Mom and asked if she could go get them for me.
But my P-doc was only able to increase my dose by 75 mg. And I have been taking the increased dose for about two weeks and the only real difference I can see is that I am no longer obsessed with killing myself. But I think that I have made up for that in another way. I was going into my head even more and was having more and more trouble coming out. It was in the middle of all this that you asked me to make a blog for you. I wanted to do it because I want to help and I know it is something I am good at and it makes me happy that there is something I can do to help you. But I was already going into my head so much, that dealing with the real world at all was becoming more and more difficult. That is the real reason it took me so long to get your blog up and running.
And since then, it has only gotten worse.
Right now I am at a state where I can’t deal with the real world at all. And it is so hard for me to come out of my head.. And I feel so much when I do..that I just don’t want to anymore. That is why I haven’t been working on your blog. Not because I don’t want to, I just can’t. I just can’t be that person you want me to be right now. I just don’t have it in me. I’m sorry. I know you probably can’t understand that completely. I just don’t want you to hate me for it.
I have gotten to the point where simply leaving my apartment causes a panic attack.
That was why I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had been so deep in my head for so long, but I needed to eat, so I got in the car and went to the store. But when I got there I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn’t make a single decision.. I couldn’t think.. And all I saw was food that I couldn’t afford to have.. And I just froze. Ask Mom. She saw what I was like. And I think that was the real beginning of my not wanting to leave the house. Now, I have a complete panic attack at the mere thought of leaving my apartment. Even to go over to your house.
.
I wish I could feel differently. I wish I could love myself. I wish I had it in me try harder. I really really do, but I just don’t. Not right now. I am so sorry.
I want to be a daughter that you can be proud of.. But I am not even proud of myself right now, so how can I expect you to be proud of me?
I just needed you to know what has really been going on so you don’t think that I am simply being lazy. I love you so much. You and Mom are all I have and you mean everything to me. I don’t want to be this way. I am sorry I am not stronger for you.
Please, please, don’t take this personally. You and Mom have given me everything and I am grateful. Without you I wouldn’t be here right now.
I do want to try for you. I really do. I went though each of the sites you gave me for affiliates and unfortunately, none of the passwords or log-in names worked. I couldn’t get into them. I did this a few days ago.. And I am sorry that I have been so out of it that I couldn’t tell you sooner. I have this major fear of taking on any type of responsibility right now because I know I am going to end up disappointing you in the end. And I can’t handle that. And you kept asking me why I wasn’t working on them, or asking me if I had, and I had to tell you no.. And I wanted to tell you why I was having so much trouble so bad.. But I was so scared because I was afraid I couldn’t make you understand and I am so afraid you are going to be even more disappointed in me than you already are.
But then I realized I couldn’t not tell you anymore. You are always so good to me and you deserve to know all this. Because you are just as important to me as Mom is. And I want to know everything as much I as want Mom to know.
I am sorry I couldn’t be more honest with you from the begining about what a hard time I was having but I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.. But it figures.. In the end.. You ended up being disappointed in me anyways.
But right now I am right back where I started ten years ago. Messing around with my meds trying to find the right med and the right doses. Hanging on by a thread hoping that once I do, things will get better. But the reality of it is that it will still be several more months before we find the right dose of Effexor. And I still have to change my Mood stablizer too. So I really have no idea when I will start to feel better. I am trusting my P-doc when she says that eventually, these meds will help me. She says I will feel like a different person. I can only hope she is right because right now, I don’t even feel like a real person. I am just trying to get through each day as smoothly as I can with as little pain as possible.
I am living in a fog right now. I can’t see clearly and my brain isn’t working the way it should. I only get occasional moments of clarity. I try to take advantage of those moments but they don’t last long. That is why I have been working on this letter in bits and pieces over the last week. Cause I can’t think about this stuff too long. It hurts too much when I do.
I am so sorry dad. I just wanted you to know the truth.
Love, Kelly
So that was the good thing.. As for the bad thing..
I was so excited when my check came on the third.. cause I had been broke for a week, relying on my Mom to bring me over dinner every night..and constantly starving.. so I went and cashed it right away. As soon as I got back.. my friend, Peggy, who is my olnly friend here in AZ, asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. I said sure.. so we left right away.
I forgot that I still had the money in my purse. All that was left out of my check. And the only money I had to buy food for the month. $270..
I saw it in there when I went to pay my bill and it only took about ten minutes for us to get home. Only I stopped at the mini-mart to get a drink. I took my wallet in with me. Left the money in my purse in the car.. with Peggy.
When I got home I sat the purse on the table and didn't touch it again till the next day. When I wanted to get the money out to put it in a safe place. But it was gone.
I know I didn't drop it somewhere. My purse was huge with big deep pockets.
I have gone over it over and over in my mind and there was just no way I could have dropped it somewhere. And it wasn't in the car.
So as much as I don't want to believe it.. I think Peggy stole it out of my purse while I was in the mini-mart.
Believe me.. I don't want to think that. If there was any other possible way it could have been lost or misplaced I would jump at believing it. But there just isn't.
My only friend.. who knew that it was all the money I had to pay for food for the month.. stole it. Every freaking penny I had..on the same damn day I cashed the check.
That is the main reason I haven't been on here in a few days.. I was such a wreck after discovering the money was gone.. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.
I was a complete mess. My Mom tried to get me to come home with her because she didn't want to leave me alone. It wasn't pretty.
I can't help but feel like no matter how hard I try.. even if I do everything right.. I will never be able to get ahead. It is literally one thing after another. Just when I make it though one mess.. I get thrown into another one.
And I keep telling myself.. just stay strong. Just get through this and it will get better. For ten years I have been telling myself that. But it never does. It never gets better.
I'm done. In more ways than one.
So the past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I had something good happen and something bad happen.
The good..
I haven't been getting along with my Dad lately because he has so many expectations of me that I can never meet and things were getting more and more tense between us because he wanted explainations and I couldn't give him any. See.. I don't talk to my Dad. Not like I do my Mom. So he usually only hears bits and pieces of things about how I am doing. He gets mad sometimes because I don't tell him stuff. But I can't talk to him because he usually doesn't want to listen. He will interupt.. talk down to me.. make me feel stupid.. and then if I cry... he will start screaming and then get up and leave. He has always been like this. So I just don't tell him stuff.
But that just wasn't working anymore because some pretty big things were happening with my meds changing and I was not doing good. And he was still expecting me to be all hunky dory.. he just had no idea just how bad it has gotten.
So I told him.
Not face to face though. In a letter.
I told him EVERYTHING. Everything about how I have been feeling over the past six months or so and why.. I laid it all out. So he would finally know. And maybe get off my back. LOL
I had no idea how he would take it. I was just hoping he would try to understand and give me a little bit of breathing room.
Turns out.. he took it wonderfully. He is like a changed man around me now. He is so much more understanding and is more willing to do whatever I might need him to do to help me.
We still haven't talked about it. LOL No.. that would be crazy. In fact.. he hasn't said a word about it to me or my Mom. But I could see the difference in him immediately. So I have no regrets.
If anyone is curious about what I wrote.. you are welcome to read it.
Dear Dad,
It is so difficult to explain what is going through my head and what I am thinking or how my brain works but I am going to give it a try because I care so much about what you think of me and I don’t want you to think that I just don’t care.
You know that a while ago my psychiatrist (p-doc) and I came to the conclusion that the combination of meds that I have been on for over ten years no longer seemed to be working for me. We think that being on them for so long I have basically built up an immunity to them. And I am already taking such high doses.. It just made sense to try something new. Something that might work better.
My P-doc suggested this idea after I finally admitted to her how much I hated myself for not being able to handle college. When I wasn’t able to handle it, I blamed myself and I still do mostly. Even though my P-doc tells me I shouldn’t cause it was the disorder and there was nothing I could do about it. She says I did my best with what I was dealt but I still feel stupid and incompetent. I still feel like a complete and total loser. When I couldn’t handle it, I lost all faith in myself to do anything. I thought there was no point in trying anymore because I obviously wasn’t capable of living a normal life. I felt like everything I had worked so hard for to build self-esteem was just gone. Because I had tried so many times in the past and failed at everything I tried to do. I didn’t have the strength to try again. And honestly, I still don’t.
I tried to be honest with her. Being honest about how I feel and what I am thinking is always extremely hard for me. That is why it has taken me a week to write this and why I couldn’t talk to you about it to your face. It is why I am crying right now and if it wasn’t so important to me that you know these things, I probably would have never told you.
But I forced myself to be honest with her because I knew that it was bad. I know when things are bad because I know the things I should care about, and I just didn’t care.
So we started weaning me off of my anti-depressant (Paxil) and onto a new one called Effexor. It took several months to get me off of my old anti-depressant and onto the new one. I dealt with major side effects, mood swings, bawling constantly, and increased anxiety.…You know all that.
But as I came off of a very high dose of the Paxil, I had to start with a very small dose of the Effexor. They couldn’t just give me the same doses I was taking of the Paxil because they are different drugs. They could only start me out on the smallest dose of Effexor. To make sure my body could handle it. Anti-depressants aren’t like other drugs.. With one size fits all. Each person responds to each drug differently. So I am forced to start out with the lowest dose they can give me.
So even though I have been able to get completely off the Paxil, I am only on a small dose of Effexor.
Now I am going to be honest here and I can only hope that you won’t get mad at me. But if you really want to know the truth of what has been going on for the past few months, I have to say this.
A couple months ago I new I was in real trouble when I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to die. I felt it so much that I actually scared myself and called my P-doc and told her that I couldn’t wait till my next appointment to increase the Effexor, that we had to do it now. This was really hard for me because when I get depressed I live inside my head. It is going to be really hard to explain this in order to make you understand but I started doing this when I was about 13 years old. I created these whole new worlds inside my head that I lived in, where I was happy and far away from having to deal with anything in reality. Doctors call it a form of disassociation. When I get depressed or upset I escape into my head where I don’t feel those things.
I can live in my head so completely that I won’t know how many days went by, and I actually begin to have trouble coming back into the real world.
And ever since I have had to start taking such a low dose of this new anti-depressant, and my depression has gotten worse and worse, I have been living in my head more and more.
Even when the doctor said that she would call in an increase to the pharmacy, it took me four days to get myself there to pick it up. Unfortunately, when I got there, they told me the doctor never called it in. But that is nothing new when you are dealing with Horizon. By the time I knew it was there, and it was time for me to get my other meds too, I was such a basket case I didn’t want to leave the house. That was when I called Mom and asked if she could go get them for me.
But my P-doc was only able to increase my dose by 75 mg. And I have been taking the increased dose for about two weeks and the only real difference I can see is that I am no longer obsessed with killing myself. But I think that I have made up for that in another way. I was going into my head even more and was having more and more trouble coming out. It was in the middle of all this that you asked me to make a blog for you. I wanted to do it because I want to help and I know it is something I am good at and it makes me happy that there is something I can do to help you. But I was already going into my head so much, that dealing with the real world at all was becoming more and more difficult. That is the real reason it took me so long to get your blog up and running.
And since then, it has only gotten worse.
Right now I am at a state where I can’t deal with the real world at all. And it is so hard for me to come out of my head.. And I feel so much when I do..that I just don’t want to anymore. That is why I haven’t been working on your blog. Not because I don’t want to, I just can’t. I just can’t be that person you want me to be right now. I just don’t have it in me. I’m sorry. I know you probably can’t understand that completely. I just don’t want you to hate me for it.
I have gotten to the point where simply leaving my apartment causes a panic attack.
That was why I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had been so deep in my head for so long, but I needed to eat, so I got in the car and went to the store. But when I got there I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn’t make a single decision.. I couldn’t think.. And all I saw was food that I couldn’t afford to have.. And I just froze. Ask Mom. She saw what I was like. And I think that was the real beginning of my not wanting to leave the house. Now, I have a complete panic attack at the mere thought of leaving my apartment. Even to go over to your house.
.
I wish I could feel differently. I wish I could love myself. I wish I had it in me try harder. I really really do, but I just don’t. Not right now. I am so sorry.
I want to be a daughter that you can be proud of.. But I am not even proud of myself right now, so how can I expect you to be proud of me?
I just needed you to know what has really been going on so you don’t think that I am simply being lazy. I love you so much. You and Mom are all I have and you mean everything to me. I don’t want to be this way. I am sorry I am not stronger for you.
Please, please, don’t take this personally. You and Mom have given me everything and I am grateful. Without you I wouldn’t be here right now.
I do want to try for you. I really do. I went though each of the sites you gave me for affiliates and unfortunately, none of the passwords or log-in names worked. I couldn’t get into them. I did this a few days ago.. And I am sorry that I have been so out of it that I couldn’t tell you sooner. I have this major fear of taking on any type of responsibility right now because I know I am going to end up disappointing you in the end. And I can’t handle that. And you kept asking me why I wasn’t working on them, or asking me if I had, and I had to tell you no.. And I wanted to tell you why I was having so much trouble so bad.. But I was so scared because I was afraid I couldn’t make you understand and I am so afraid you are going to be even more disappointed in me than you already are.
But then I realized I couldn’t not tell you anymore. You are always so good to me and you deserve to know all this. Because you are just as important to me as Mom is. And I want to know everything as much I as want Mom to know.
I am sorry I couldn’t be more honest with you from the begining about what a hard time I was having but I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.. But it figures.. In the end.. You ended up being disappointed in me anyways.
But right now I am right back where I started ten years ago. Messing around with my meds trying to find the right med and the right doses. Hanging on by a thread hoping that once I do, things will get better. But the reality of it is that it will still be several more months before we find the right dose of Effexor. And I still have to change my Mood stablizer too. So I really have no idea when I will start to feel better. I am trusting my P-doc when she says that eventually, these meds will help me. She says I will feel like a different person. I can only hope she is right because right now, I don’t even feel like a real person. I am just trying to get through each day as smoothly as I can with as little pain as possible.
I am living in a fog right now. I can’t see clearly and my brain isn’t working the way it should. I only get occasional moments of clarity. I try to take advantage of those moments but they don’t last long. That is why I have been working on this letter in bits and pieces over the last week. Cause I can’t think about this stuff too long. It hurts too much when I do.
I am so sorry dad. I just wanted you to know the truth.
Love, Kelly
So that was the good thing.. As for the bad thing..
I was so excited when my check came on the third.. cause I had been broke for a week, relying on my Mom to bring me over dinner every night..and constantly starving.. so I went and cashed it right away. As soon as I got back.. my friend, Peggy, who is my olnly friend here in AZ, asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. I said sure.. so we left right away.
I forgot that I still had the money in my purse. All that was left out of my check. And the only money I had to buy food for the month. $270..
I saw it in there when I went to pay my bill and it only took about ten minutes for us to get home. Only I stopped at the mini-mart to get a drink. I took my wallet in with me. Left the money in my purse in the car.. with Peggy.
When I got home I sat the purse on the table and didn't touch it again till the next day. When I wanted to get the money out to put it in a safe place. But it was gone.
I know I didn't drop it somewhere. My purse was huge with big deep pockets.
I have gone over it over and over in my mind and there was just no way I could have dropped it somewhere. And it wasn't in the car.
So as much as I don't want to believe it.. I think Peggy stole it out of my purse while I was in the mini-mart.
Believe me.. I don't want to think that. If there was any other possible way it could have been lost or misplaced I would jump at believing it. But there just isn't.
My only friend.. who knew that it was all the money I had to pay for food for the month.. stole it. Every freaking penny I had..on the same damn day I cashed the check.
That is the main reason I haven't been on here in a few days.. I was such a wreck after discovering the money was gone.. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.
I was a complete mess. My Mom tried to get me to come home with her because she didn't want to leave me alone. It wasn't pretty.
I can't help but feel like no matter how hard I try.. even if I do everything right.. I will never be able to get ahead. It is literally one thing after another. Just when I make it though one mess.. I get thrown into another one.
And I keep telling myself.. just stay strong. Just get through this and it will get better. For ten years I have been telling myself that. But it never does. It never gets better.
I'm done. In more ways than one.