(no subject)
I'm very sure I deserve all of this crap.
I'm very tired.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it's really hard for me to think about this, but I don't exactly know what I want. Normally, I have tons of goals and other things that I work for and I try for and things I see happening in my mind.
On the other hand, I don't regret any of this, and I probably never will. Ultimately, I just feel like I've been temporarily derailed. At least everything is going fine, and much better than I first thought.
I really HAVE been a bitch lately... it's quite true so I might as well say it. I owe a lot of people apologies for a lot of recent events.
I think I need some C time, so I suppose this all works out.
In any case, I'll go to the obvious.
I don't think that one should be in a relationship unless one is comfortable with who one is. This rule applies to me and I think it also applies to everyone I've dated, wanted to date, or just everyone in general. I guess it's interesting that I can go back and say these things... I think who I am hates who I've been. I'm searching for C, and I have a general idea of who C should be. I know I have tons of my own problems, and I know that everyone else does too. I will always accept people for who they are... I don't expect anyone to be different and change for me or for anyone else. All I ever HAVE wanted from a relationship was someone to talk to about everything, someone who understands generally all the things that I'm experiencing... There is only one other thing that I need from a relationship, which I never really felt I could get from Adam or Dan, and that is this: IF I SHOULD FALTER, WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR ARMS OUT TO ME? IN all of my past experiences... I would have needed to say no. I'm not perfect either, and I hate how others expect me to be. Sometimes, it's all just too much to live up to.
The reason that things never would have worked with Adam and I is that he received all of his confidence from me. He says that he likes who he is, but I never really believed that. I've also been on the opposite side, where I drew all of my happiness from someone else. I've realized how stupid that was and how it really set me up to fall a very long distance. I'm so much happier now. I guess whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I don't like needing to explain that to other people... I wish sometimes people would just understand me for the sake of understanding me. I think I've made myself too complicated but I show myself as being too simple. I guess the joy of the Lord really helps with that kind of thing.
God is guiding me... and I can feel it. I'm starting to realize how things are unfolding.
I'm tired.
I'm very tired.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it's really hard for me to think about this, but I don't exactly know what I want. Normally, I have tons of goals and other things that I work for and I try for and things I see happening in my mind.
On the other hand, I don't regret any of this, and I probably never will. Ultimately, I just feel like I've been temporarily derailed. At least everything is going fine, and much better than I first thought.
I really HAVE been a bitch lately... it's quite true so I might as well say it. I owe a lot of people apologies for a lot of recent events.
I think I need some C time, so I suppose this all works out.
In any case, I'll go to the obvious.
I don't think that one should be in a relationship unless one is comfortable with who one is. This rule applies to me and I think it also applies to everyone I've dated, wanted to date, or just everyone in general. I guess it's interesting that I can go back and say these things... I think who I am hates who I've been. I'm searching for C, and I have a general idea of who C should be. I know I have tons of my own problems, and I know that everyone else does too. I will always accept people for who they are... I don't expect anyone to be different and change for me or for anyone else. All I ever HAVE wanted from a relationship was someone to talk to about everything, someone who understands generally all the things that I'm experiencing... There is only one other thing that I need from a relationship, which I never really felt I could get from Adam or Dan, and that is this: IF I SHOULD FALTER, WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR ARMS OUT TO ME? IN all of my past experiences... I would have needed to say no. I'm not perfect either, and I hate how others expect me to be. Sometimes, it's all just too much to live up to.
The reason that things never would have worked with Adam and I is that he received all of his confidence from me. He says that he likes who he is, but I never really believed that. I've also been on the opposite side, where I drew all of my happiness from someone else. I've realized how stupid that was and how it really set me up to fall a very long distance. I'm so much happier now. I guess whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I don't like needing to explain that to other people... I wish sometimes people would just understand me for the sake of understanding me. I think I've made myself too complicated but I show myself as being too simple. I guess the joy of the Lord really helps with that kind of thing.
God is guiding me... and I can feel it. I'm starting to realize how things are unfolding.
I'm tired.