It seems that only stupid people are breeding.... (This needs to be read.)
This morning, I get an IM from someone who has my e-mail address from God knows where, whom I've never met before in my life. The following conversation occurred, I have not cut anything out..
Her:
elooo u ok
Me:
Hello...do I know you?
Her:
dno where u frm
Me:
California.
Her:
na lol im frm tipton
Me:
...How did you get my e-mail?
Her:
dno reail
Her again:
lol
Me:
I just kinda showed up on your contact list?
Her:
dno am u a gurl
Her again:
lol
Me:
Nope...I'm male.
Me:
How old are you?
Her:
u write posh u nw
Her:
16 u
Me:
I don't write posh. I just use the time to use correct spelling and grammar.
Me:
I'm 19. Married.
Her:
lol u do
Me:
I just don't write like I'm constantly texting.
Her:
lol
Me:
Also, I'm an English major.
Her:
lol
Her:
wht u bin doin
Me (getting a little uncomfortable.):
Working....you?
Her (lying out her ass):
collage lol
Me (calling Shenanigans):
Already?
Me (still confused):
Why does your e-mail look familiar to me?
Her(with no concept of English):
wht do u mean
Me:
I don't think we've ever talked before, but your e-mail address looks like I've seen it before somewhere.
Her:
lol where bout lol
Her(What?):
where u frm gen
Me(making the best response I can from the gibberish):
I have no idea... I don't usually go places that give out my e-mail address.
Her (showing wit and wisdom beyond her years):
?
Me (apparently I'm now doing the comments in parentheses):
Like, I have no idea where you could've got my address, and I have no idea where I've seen yours, if I've seen it before, that is.
Her(I have no idea what this means):
yh
Her(Drinking game! Everytime she says this, take a shot! Hope you don't get alcohol poisoning!):
lol
Me(changing subjects):
Where is Tipton?
Her(Being helpful):
west midlands
Me (using deductive reasoning, given that her e-mail reads hotmail.co.uk):
I'm assuming Europe?
Her: (I can only assume indicating Washington):
wa
Me(unsure why I'm still taking):
..."wa?"
Her (apparently confused, thinking I asked her what her favorite chocolate covered caramel candy is, and then mistyping the first "R" in the name):
lolo
Me(Attempting to recognize our failure to communicate):
It's amazing it's like...I know we're both supposedly speaking English, but none of the words we say are connecting with each other.
Her(Hating vowels):
lol i nw yh lol
Me(deciding "fuck this."):
Do you turn in papers like this, out of curiousity? "Abe Lncn fred da slves w/ d Emncption Prclmation in 1863."
Her(again letting the world know her love for the great state of Washington!):
wa
Her(Take another shot!):
lol
Me(Not expecting a response):
...Clearly, you are this generation's Hemingway.
Her (Telling me how much the guitar playing dog from Animal Crossing makes her laugh. Looking back on it now, I wonder if I wasn't actually mocking a mentally undeveloped child.):
kk lol
Me(Elementary, Watson Time!"):
Anyway, I figured Europe because your e-mail address reads hotmail.uk
Her: (GRR FUCK VOWELS I HATE VOWELS SO MUCH!...take a shot.):
yhyh lol
Me (Channeling my inner Dr.Cox/James Woods):
Okay, see that right there? "yhyh?" That took just as many button-presses as it would have taken you to spell "Yeah." which is an actual WORD, as opposed to a random gathering of letters which is what you have. In the interest of saving time, you decided not to move one finger over a key, which saved you no time at all.
Her: (Comparing me to her favorite Spice Girl):
lol see you am posh lol
Me (Mad as hell and not going to take it anymore):
ARE! ARE! "You ARE posh!"
Me (Throwing up a white flag):
Ok, I'm sounding rude, I realize.
Her (Is the room spinning yet?):
lol
Me(SNEAK ATTACK!):
Just explain to me what the appeal is in typing as though your parents never taught you the English language. Are you really in such a hurry that your words can't use vowels 80% of the time?
Me: (Realizing that the enemy is too dumb for the tactic to be effective.)
Let me shorten this...WHY???
Her (C'mon people, you get this by now.):
lol
Me(Crying a little inside):
...Yes, I see. "lol" That explains everything.
Her (Attempting a truce, in the same way a chainsaw attempts peace with a tree by having a dull blade.):
sorry look im spelling it right nw lol but im going im abit k bab
Me(Second American History example!):
Imagine if people actually spoke like this. Paul Revere would have rode into Boston yelling "da Brts am comn! da brts am comn!"
Her(...fuck it. No.):
lol
Me(Am I funny to you? How am I funny? Do I have a big red nose like a clown, here to amuse you?):
Are you actually laughing out loud? Do I really make you "lol?" Or do you just put that as a response because you have nothing else to say? Because I don't think I'm all that funny.
Her (Wait...what?):
you am swer dwn
Me(...wow.):
Okay, see I have no idea what you are trying to say there.
Her(Jesus Christ, I've met fetuses with better grammar.)
yeah you am funny
Me(After typing the mystery phrase "you am swer dwn" into Alta Vista Babel Fish, therefre crashing its server):
"I am sewer drown?" "I am slower down?" WHAT DOES IT MEAN!
Her(In case you didn't catch it the first time.):
yeah you am funny
Me:(That's it, I'm done.)
Also, ARE! ARE GODDAMMIT ARE! YOU ARE FUNNY!!!
Me (Losing it a little):
I AM...You ARE!
Me (Here I go):
1st graders get it.
Her(missing the point. Surprising, I know, as she usually seems so astute):
lol im goin nw bab
Her(My god, she's not even in the same time zone as the point. They're on different continents!):
tra xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me(Still losing it!):
Let's make this simpler and remove pronouns!
Me (Not expecting her to get it):
Me Tarzan...you moron!
Her(Living down to my expectations):
what
Me: (breaking a little):
Talking like Tarzan...He doesn't use "Am" or "are"
Her(I wonder...Is she trying to communicate with me? Is she in trouble? Have they removed most of the fingers, as well as the part of your brain that makes words? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?):
tra babe xxxxxx
Me(Weeping for the future):
I weep for the future.
Her (Dude, you are so wasted! I mean you gotta be! Hey, what is that? What are you drinking? Give me some of that):
lol
Me(Without faith in humanity):
*shoots self*
KA-BLOCKED!!!
(By the way, if you think you survived the drinking game, bear in mind her screen name was this: ima tipton party bab 4lyfe w the bois wa lol)
That's...that's not language. Those aren't words. 4 is not a letter. Linguists will find this text centuries later, and my blog will be the Rosetta Stone bridging the gap between our old, archaic proper language with all the thees and thous, and the language of the the future, in which all of humanity will talk like brain-dead fuckwads.
Her:
elooo u ok
Me:
Hello...do I know you?
Her:
dno where u frm
Me:
California.
Her:
na lol im frm tipton
Me:
...How did you get my e-mail?
Her:
dno reail
Her again:
lol
Me:
I just kinda showed up on your contact list?
Her:
dno am u a gurl
Her again:
lol
Me:
Nope...I'm male.
Me:
How old are you?
Her:
u write posh u nw
Her:
16 u
Me:
I don't write posh. I just use the time to use correct spelling and grammar.
Me:
I'm 19. Married.
Her:
lol u do
Me:
I just don't write like I'm constantly texting.
Her:
lol
Me:
Also, I'm an English major.
Her:
lol
Her:
wht u bin doin
Me (getting a little uncomfortable.):
Working....you?
Her (lying out her ass):
collage lol
Me (calling Shenanigans):
Already?
Me (still confused):
Why does your e-mail look familiar to me?
Her(with no concept of English):
wht do u mean
Me:
I don't think we've ever talked before, but your e-mail address looks like I've seen it before somewhere.
Her:
lol where bout lol
Her(What?):
where u frm gen
Me(making the best response I can from the gibberish):
I have no idea... I don't usually go places that give out my e-mail address.
Her (showing wit and wisdom beyond her years):
?
Me (apparently I'm now doing the comments in parentheses):
Like, I have no idea where you could've got my address, and I have no idea where I've seen yours, if I've seen it before, that is.
Her(I have no idea what this means):
yh
Her(Drinking game! Everytime she says this, take a shot! Hope you don't get alcohol poisoning!):
lol
Me(changing subjects):
Where is Tipton?
Her(Being helpful):
west midlands
Me (using deductive reasoning, given that her e-mail reads hotmail.co.uk):
I'm assuming Europe?
Her: (I can only assume indicating Washington):
wa
Me(unsure why I'm still taking):
..."wa?"
Her (apparently confused, thinking I asked her what her favorite chocolate covered caramel candy is, and then mistyping the first "R" in the name):
lolo
Me(Attempting to recognize our failure to communicate):
It's amazing it's like...I know we're both supposedly speaking English, but none of the words we say are connecting with each other.
Her(Hating vowels):
lol i nw yh lol
Me(deciding "fuck this."):
Do you turn in papers like this, out of curiousity? "Abe Lncn fred da slves w/ d Emncption Prclmation in 1863."
Her(again letting the world know her love for the great state of Washington!):
wa
Her(Take another shot!):
lol
Me(Not expecting a response):
...Clearly, you are this generation's Hemingway.
Her (Telling me how much the guitar playing dog from Animal Crossing makes her laugh. Looking back on it now, I wonder if I wasn't actually mocking a mentally undeveloped child.):
kk lol
Me(Elementary, Watson Time!"):
Anyway, I figured Europe because your e-mail address reads hotmail.uk
Her: (GRR FUCK VOWELS I HATE VOWELS SO MUCH!...take a shot.):
yhyh lol
Me (Channeling my inner Dr.Cox/James Woods):
Okay, see that right there? "yhyh?" That took just as many button-presses as it would have taken you to spell "Yeah." which is an actual WORD, as opposed to a random gathering of letters which is what you have. In the interest of saving time, you decided not to move one finger over a key, which saved you no time at all.
Her: (Comparing me to her favorite Spice Girl):
lol see you am posh lol
Me (Mad as hell and not going to take it anymore):
ARE! ARE! "You ARE posh!"
Me (Throwing up a white flag):
Ok, I'm sounding rude, I realize.
Her (Is the room spinning yet?):
lol
Me(SNEAK ATTACK!):
Just explain to me what the appeal is in typing as though your parents never taught you the English language. Are you really in such a hurry that your words can't use vowels 80% of the time?
Me: (Realizing that the enemy is too dumb for the tactic to be effective.)
Let me shorten this...WHY???
Her (C'mon people, you get this by now.):
lol
Me(Crying a little inside):
...Yes, I see. "lol" That explains everything.
Her (Attempting a truce, in the same way a chainsaw attempts peace with a tree by having a dull blade.):
sorry look im spelling it right nw lol but im going im abit k bab
Me(Second American History example!):
Imagine if people actually spoke like this. Paul Revere would have rode into Boston yelling "da Brts am comn! da brts am comn!"
Her(...fuck it. No.):
lol
Me(Am I funny to you? How am I funny? Do I have a big red nose like a clown, here to amuse you?):
Are you actually laughing out loud? Do I really make you "lol?" Or do you just put that as a response because you have nothing else to say? Because I don't think I'm all that funny.
Her (Wait...what?):
you am swer dwn
Me(...wow.):
Okay, see I have no idea what you are trying to say there.
Her(Jesus Christ, I've met fetuses with better grammar.)
yeah you am funny
Me(After typing the mystery phrase "you am swer dwn" into Alta Vista Babel Fish, therefre crashing its server):
"I am sewer drown?" "I am slower down?" WHAT DOES IT MEAN!
Her(In case you didn't catch it the first time.):
yeah you am funny
Me:(That's it, I'm done.)
Also, ARE! ARE GODDAMMIT ARE! YOU ARE FUNNY!!!
Me (Losing it a little):
I AM...You ARE!
Me (Here I go):
1st graders get it.
Her(missing the point. Surprising, I know, as she usually seems so astute):
lol im goin nw bab
Her(My god, she's not even in the same time zone as the point. They're on different continents!):
tra xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me(Still losing it!):
Let's make this simpler and remove pronouns!
Me (Not expecting her to get it):
Me Tarzan...you moron!
Her(Living down to my expectations):
what
Me: (breaking a little):
Talking like Tarzan...He doesn't use "Am" or "are"
Her(I wonder...Is she trying to communicate with me? Is she in trouble? Have they removed most of the fingers, as well as the part of your brain that makes words? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?):
tra babe xxxxxx
Me(Weeping for the future):
I weep for the future.
Her (Dude, you are so wasted! I mean you gotta be! Hey, what is that? What are you drinking? Give me some of that):
lol
Me(Without faith in humanity):
*shoots self*
KA-BLOCKED!!!
(By the way, if you think you survived the drinking game, bear in mind her screen name was this: ima tipton party bab 4lyfe w the bois wa lol)
That's...that's not language. Those aren't words. 4 is not a letter. Linguists will find this text centuries later, and my blog will be the Rosetta Stone bridging the gap between our old, archaic proper language with all the thees and thous, and the language of the the future, in which all of humanity will talk like brain-dead fuckwads.