Man the harpoons, grab a hold of something....prepare yourselves. It's going to be a big one.
So, I feel inspired now, and I think this may help. I am going to spill my guts because, if I don't, I'm probably going to end up snapping at some point, developing a twitch of some kind or just crawling into a corner, rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb.
It's not that I am not grateful that I have the important things; I have a house over my head, a bed to sleep in(it's not very much of one, though. In fact it ripped my fucking boxers in my sleep. TMI, but still), I am in college, and I have an easy job. It's the fact that it's all I do. I don't have fun, I don't go out with friends. I have a computer that occupies a lot of my time, whether for school or for World of Warcraft, which is what predominantly takes up my time. I am so understimulated right now to the point that almost nothing bothers me anymore. It's like I am becoming numb to my surroundings, a ghost, a hollow shell. It doesn't even register to me sometimes that someone is telling a joke or trying to be funny, even though I tell them myself. I seem to absorbed in my own thoughts, fears, ambitions that I can't even see outside my bubble. Outside, I'm just another person, wandering aimlessly and meandering around with no direction whatsoever, but inside....I'm breaking, tearing myself apart for not trying as hard as I should, dwelling over shit that I know I could have done right with a little effort.
It's like I'm a piece of string cheese, slowly being shred bit by bit until, eventually, there is nothing left. I am ripping my soul into bits, but at the same time, I don't even seem to care.
Yeah, I do. But I'm not acting. I'm still going in the same routine that I've been going in. Yes, I attend class. But do I turn all of the assignments? Sometimes. Do I study for the tests? Never. I know how to fix this dilemma of mine, but I'm doing little to prevent it from happening in the first place. I know what I want to do, what I have to do, and what is holding me back...is me. It's all me, it's always been me. I think maybe....just maybe, that I'm afraid to do well. I'm afraid to succeed. Crazy, right? Why would someone to afraid to become something?
Because I know people will expect greatness from me if I get somewhere. People will expect me to be 100% fantastic, college-graduated, and right on task. I don't know how to handle any sort of pressure. Yeah, I say that I like a challenge, which I do, and I say that I work well under pressure, which is hit or miss honestly, but do I honestly think that I'm going to rise up to these challenges and substain a nicer place in society? It depends on what day it is honestly. I can wake up some mornings ready to go, I have my game face on, but most days, I wake up late, and I'm sluggish. I just wonder if I'll always be like that. Will I always be so hit or miss? Will I always have a life that I hate most of the time? Will I always feel like I'm not getting the intellectual stimulation I need?
Who knows?
I think constantly, and it has lead me to believe that, after 22 years, what have I really fucking done? There are days where I STILL wake up and wonder where my life went. I know I'm still young, but being over two decades old? It makes me stop and take a look at my self and wonder what I could have or should have done, and what I have done. I've went 4 semesters of college, and I don't even have an associates degree. I've never held one job more than 8 months. I don't have a car, or a vaild license because I have horrible luck, and haven't been able to reinstate it because I can't float the 85 dollars. I still live with my parents. They provide me with transportation because I can't do it myself. No wonder I've had relationships fail, ya know? This is not pessimism here, this is reality. Looking at it from another person's standpoint, what do I really have to offer? I mean, yeah, I am fun, I am great to be around, I'm a good sexual partner, and I genuinely care, but do I really have any stability? No. I am never stable because I'm always broke because of money I owe to people or paying bills. I only make enough money to make ends meet, and I go to class, which is going to lead to something bigger eventually, but back to the subject. I honestly understand why girls leave me. I haven't been dependable when it comes down to crunch time, I care about them, but I never seem to be able to show it enough, which is something I always regret later because I know breakups are imminent, but I never seem them coming until they do. I'm oblivious! It's something I've known for a long time, yet....I never do anything about it, or get motivated to try to patch things until it's either too late or almost too late.
I've walked over my gfs in relationships without meaning to. The things I say I wanna be in relationships, I never am. I never get to pay like I want to, I have lied, which is something I have said I'm 100% against, I have closed myself off. I have probably done every bad thing that I can think of besides cheat. That's usually the first bad thing one does to fuck up their relationship, but, for me, it's the very last. I have used girls in my relationships, and it makes me thing I don't deserve one until I am stable. I can't do this to anyone else or hurt them ever again because my head and motivation is so fucked up and out of whack. It's not fair to anyone I get involved with, and it's best for me to stay away until I do.
But, then again, what is love anyways? What is this exponentially massive, magnitude of affection that people speak of? What is the true meaning of love? Is it when two people who are meant to be together finally finding their "soul mate" through incredible odds? I don't think so. Is it when two people who can simply stand living together for the rest of their lives and make children? Eh. Is it lust? Getting warmer. Or is it just a simple measure of one person genuinely wanting to do what pleases the other person, laughing at each other's jokes, no matter how corny or stupid they are, noticing little things like when someone gets their hair done, who can't get enough of their partner to where they just simply want to be around them all the time for simply being them? I think we're getting close enough.
Well, let's think about this for a sec. This is probably an opinion shared by a lot, if not all, but seriously. What are the odds of one person meeting the person they're "supposed to be with"? There are so many people in the world that it's virtually impossible to find that one person. Sure, you can find someone who makes you extremely happy, but are they going to be perfect? Are they always going to do something that makes you smile? Are they always going to be pleasant around? The odds aren't likely. I think the idea is to find someone who is MOST compatible, not completely because that's just outrageous.
ALso, marriages. I believe, for the most part, this is a dead concept. The divorce rate has SKYROCKETED in the past 10 years, so obviously something has gone terribly wrong. Hell, a lot of marriages have to be brought to counseling. I mean, if you're that bad, there is obviously something wrong there that, if sex isn't fixing, then you're probably SOL, my friend. Yeah, it seems good on paper, but it takes a lot of patience to make that work. Those of you who are happily married, kudos. You are an inspiration to us all. I like the idea of being devoted to one person, but I don't know if I can even find someone who fits that description just yet.
We all just need someone who wants to be around us just simply because we are ourselves. They love us for all of our features, mannerisms, and for all the imperfections we have as well. After all, if you love someone, doesn't that mean you feel that way no matter what? Even when you're pissed at them for one reason or another? Don't you forgive them later? True love is hard to find. You just gotta keep trying.
I guess there was a point to all of this. Maybe I'll break down and end up somewhere to be medicated and force fed the rest of my life. Maybe I'll have a stroke of genius and stop being a whiney bitch, and make something of myself. Maybe I'll just let things flow, and be what come naturally. Maybe I'll just grow into myself, and change or adapt accordingly. The future is hard to see. I'm sure it's bright, but the view in my tunnel is still pretty blurry and I can't quite see around the corner. Maybe there's more for me than I could even begin to imagine. I think I'm just being impatient and lazy at the same time. You can't have those two things together. I don't think I've earned the right to be impatient just yet. I haven't put any real work in yet.
I wish there was an energy drink or a pill called motivation. I'd totally jump on that....
It's not that I am not grateful that I have the important things; I have a house over my head, a bed to sleep in(it's not very much of one, though. In fact it ripped my fucking boxers in my sleep. TMI, but still), I am in college, and I have an easy job. It's the fact that it's all I do. I don't have fun, I don't go out with friends. I have a computer that occupies a lot of my time, whether for school or for World of Warcraft, which is what predominantly takes up my time. I am so understimulated right now to the point that almost nothing bothers me anymore. It's like I am becoming numb to my surroundings, a ghost, a hollow shell. It doesn't even register to me sometimes that someone is telling a joke or trying to be funny, even though I tell them myself. I seem to absorbed in my own thoughts, fears, ambitions that I can't even see outside my bubble. Outside, I'm just another person, wandering aimlessly and meandering around with no direction whatsoever, but inside....I'm breaking, tearing myself apart for not trying as hard as I should, dwelling over shit that I know I could have done right with a little effort.
It's like I'm a piece of string cheese, slowly being shred bit by bit until, eventually, there is nothing left. I am ripping my soul into bits, but at the same time, I don't even seem to care.
Yeah, I do. But I'm not acting. I'm still going in the same routine that I've been going in. Yes, I attend class. But do I turn all of the assignments? Sometimes. Do I study for the tests? Never. I know how to fix this dilemma of mine, but I'm doing little to prevent it from happening in the first place. I know what I want to do, what I have to do, and what is holding me back...is me. It's all me, it's always been me. I think maybe....just maybe, that I'm afraid to do well. I'm afraid to succeed. Crazy, right? Why would someone to afraid to become something?
Because I know people will expect greatness from me if I get somewhere. People will expect me to be 100% fantastic, college-graduated, and right on task. I don't know how to handle any sort of pressure. Yeah, I say that I like a challenge, which I do, and I say that I work well under pressure, which is hit or miss honestly, but do I honestly think that I'm going to rise up to these challenges and substain a nicer place in society? It depends on what day it is honestly. I can wake up some mornings ready to go, I have my game face on, but most days, I wake up late, and I'm sluggish. I just wonder if I'll always be like that. Will I always be so hit or miss? Will I always have a life that I hate most of the time? Will I always feel like I'm not getting the intellectual stimulation I need?
Who knows?
I think constantly, and it has lead me to believe that, after 22 years, what have I really fucking done? There are days where I STILL wake up and wonder where my life went. I know I'm still young, but being over two decades old? It makes me stop and take a look at my self and wonder what I could have or should have done, and what I have done. I've went 4 semesters of college, and I don't even have an associates degree. I've never held one job more than 8 months. I don't have a car, or a vaild license because I have horrible luck, and haven't been able to reinstate it because I can't float the 85 dollars. I still live with my parents. They provide me with transportation because I can't do it myself. No wonder I've had relationships fail, ya know? This is not pessimism here, this is reality. Looking at it from another person's standpoint, what do I really have to offer? I mean, yeah, I am fun, I am great to be around, I'm a good sexual partner, and I genuinely care, but do I really have any stability? No. I am never stable because I'm always broke because of money I owe to people or paying bills. I only make enough money to make ends meet, and I go to class, which is going to lead to something bigger eventually, but back to the subject. I honestly understand why girls leave me. I haven't been dependable when it comes down to crunch time, I care about them, but I never seem to be able to show it enough, which is something I always regret later because I know breakups are imminent, but I never seem them coming until they do. I'm oblivious! It's something I've known for a long time, yet....I never do anything about it, or get motivated to try to patch things until it's either too late or almost too late.
I've walked over my gfs in relationships without meaning to. The things I say I wanna be in relationships, I never am. I never get to pay like I want to, I have lied, which is something I have said I'm 100% against, I have closed myself off. I have probably done every bad thing that I can think of besides cheat. That's usually the first bad thing one does to fuck up their relationship, but, for me, it's the very last. I have used girls in my relationships, and it makes me thing I don't deserve one until I am stable. I can't do this to anyone else or hurt them ever again because my head and motivation is so fucked up and out of whack. It's not fair to anyone I get involved with, and it's best for me to stay away until I do.
But, then again, what is love anyways? What is this exponentially massive, magnitude of affection that people speak of? What is the true meaning of love? Is it when two people who are meant to be together finally finding their "soul mate" through incredible odds? I don't think so. Is it when two people who can simply stand living together for the rest of their lives and make children? Eh. Is it lust? Getting warmer. Or is it just a simple measure of one person genuinely wanting to do what pleases the other person, laughing at each other's jokes, no matter how corny or stupid they are, noticing little things like when someone gets their hair done, who can't get enough of their partner to where they just simply want to be around them all the time for simply being them? I think we're getting close enough.
Well, let's think about this for a sec. This is probably an opinion shared by a lot, if not all, but seriously. What are the odds of one person meeting the person they're "supposed to be with"? There are so many people in the world that it's virtually impossible to find that one person. Sure, you can find someone who makes you extremely happy, but are they going to be perfect? Are they always going to do something that makes you smile? Are they always going to be pleasant around? The odds aren't likely. I think the idea is to find someone who is MOST compatible, not completely because that's just outrageous.
ALso, marriages. I believe, for the most part, this is a dead concept. The divorce rate has SKYROCKETED in the past 10 years, so obviously something has gone terribly wrong. Hell, a lot of marriages have to be brought to counseling. I mean, if you're that bad, there is obviously something wrong there that, if sex isn't fixing, then you're probably SOL, my friend. Yeah, it seems good on paper, but it takes a lot of patience to make that work. Those of you who are happily married, kudos. You are an inspiration to us all. I like the idea of being devoted to one person, but I don't know if I can even find someone who fits that description just yet.
We all just need someone who wants to be around us just simply because we are ourselves. They love us for all of our features, mannerisms, and for all the imperfections we have as well. After all, if you love someone, doesn't that mean you feel that way no matter what? Even when you're pissed at them for one reason or another? Don't you forgive them later? True love is hard to find. You just gotta keep trying.
I guess there was a point to all of this. Maybe I'll break down and end up somewhere to be medicated and force fed the rest of my life. Maybe I'll have a stroke of genius and stop being a whiney bitch, and make something of myself. Maybe I'll just let things flow, and be what come naturally. Maybe I'll just grow into myself, and change or adapt accordingly. The future is hard to see. I'm sure it's bright, but the view in my tunnel is still pretty blurry and I can't quite see around the corner. Maybe there's more for me than I could even begin to imagine. I think I'm just being impatient and lazy at the same time. You can't have those two things together. I don't think I've earned the right to be impatient just yet. I haven't put any real work in yet.
I wish there was an energy drink or a pill called motivation. I'd totally jump on that....