(no subject)
My life is different now.
Over the past months I've come to the conclusion that there are some people that I dont need in my life anymore. Ones that I thought were vital for my existence. Ones that at some point in my life I was completely dependent on.
But now, thats over.
No one really knows the story between my "mother" and I. Nor the reason for me getting kicked out of my house. And thats ok, because there's not much to know anyways. It all basically comes down to the fact that she hated my lifestyle and I couldn't live with someone who wanted to dictate every aspect of my life.
If there's one thing anyone needs to know to understand this, its that she was obsessed with "pretending" to be a Christian. And I say pretending because it was all just a show. She never really acted anyway resembling Jesus or like God or whatever. Especially with the way she treated me. She loved to talk the talk, but she sure as hell never really walked the walk.
Everyone knows that Christians are supposed to love everyone. You're not supposed to hate people who arent Christian like you. You hate the sin, but not the sinner. blah blah blah. But her, she hated EVERYONE. Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but her dislike for my non-Christian friends was almost evil.
I wasnt allowed to be friends with or go anywhere with anyone who didnt go to our church or were people that she already knew. So that basically cut down the possibility for friends down to 10 people. Who I had nothing in common with. And there was nothing I could do about it. Because if I didnt like it then I had to get out. Without any money or any place to go.
I only worked part-time, and more than half of my money went to her, for "household payments". But she never thanked me for it. It was my duty.
I worked, went to school, and came home. Day after day after day. Saturdays we went to church, and Sundays, she would leave with her friends while I just stayed home, online. That was my only constant communication with anyone else out there.
The phone was no good either. Not that I couldnt use the phone, but there was no point in doing so when she would barge into my room when the phone rang demanding to know who it was. Then coming back after only 5 minutes to say I had to hang up.
And then there came the times when she went out of town, and I was left at home alone. Of course I went crazy with my temporary freedom without her. Partying all night, and just hanging out with friends, which is what normal teenagers are entitled to do anyways.
I never did anything bad. Because I'm not really a bad person. I just wanted friends to hang out with. People I could talk to and have fun with. Nothing more. Just friends.
But she doubted my every move. Every friend I started to have were all drug addicts and prostitutes in her eyes. She even started calling me a worthless hoe and belittling me everytime she could.
And all my accomplishments meant nothing. I became a certified pharmacy technician, I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa, an honors society in college, and yet I still wasn't worth more than a piece of crap to her.
Just because I wasnt living the life she wanted me to live.
Just because I didnt want to become a pastor lady like she wanted me to. She even tried to force me into going to a Bible College in Mexico at the end of last year and I completely refused. She said if I didnt go, I had to leave the house, which was exactly what I had planned. I had had enough of her bullshit by that time.
I just packed my bags and started walking out. And she held me back and started to choke me. Her exact words were, "I'd rather see you dead than not doing what I tell you."
I dont know how I got out of that situation or how I got over it. It's a memory I'm still trying to block out of my mind.
I just know that after that, I didnt give a shit anymore. If she screamed at me, I screamed back. If she threw something at me, I would throw something bigger.
She tried to oppress me even more, cutting off any communication I had with anyone, and I only fought back harder.
That household wasnt a home anymore. It became a cold place filled with anger, resentment, and hate.
And as a final sign of rebellion, I got a tattoo, and my belly button pierced. Just to show her that I was gonna do whatever the hell I felt like doing without any concern of what she liked or wanted.
That was the breaking point.
That was more than she could handle. In her eyes I was supposedly spiraling down to a endless world of sin and she could no longer deal with it.
The ultimatum came. You have to leave. Now.
And I did.
I left.
And that is the one decision that I'm never gonna regret in my life.
Over the past months I've come to the conclusion that there are some people that I dont need in my life anymore. Ones that I thought were vital for my existence. Ones that at some point in my life I was completely dependent on.
But now, thats over.
No one really knows the story between my "mother" and I. Nor the reason for me getting kicked out of my house. And thats ok, because there's not much to know anyways. It all basically comes down to the fact that she hated my lifestyle and I couldn't live with someone who wanted to dictate every aspect of my life.
If there's one thing anyone needs to know to understand this, its that she was obsessed with "pretending" to be a Christian. And I say pretending because it was all just a show. She never really acted anyway resembling Jesus or like God or whatever. Especially with the way she treated me. She loved to talk the talk, but she sure as hell never really walked the walk.
Everyone knows that Christians are supposed to love everyone. You're not supposed to hate people who arent Christian like you. You hate the sin, but not the sinner. blah blah blah. But her, she hated EVERYONE. Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but her dislike for my non-Christian friends was almost evil.
I wasnt allowed to be friends with or go anywhere with anyone who didnt go to our church or were people that she already knew. So that basically cut down the possibility for friends down to 10 people. Who I had nothing in common with. And there was nothing I could do about it. Because if I didnt like it then I had to get out. Without any money or any place to go.
I only worked part-time, and more than half of my money went to her, for "household payments". But she never thanked me for it. It was my duty.
I worked, went to school, and came home. Day after day after day. Saturdays we went to church, and Sundays, she would leave with her friends while I just stayed home, online. That was my only constant communication with anyone else out there.
The phone was no good either. Not that I couldnt use the phone, but there was no point in doing so when she would barge into my room when the phone rang demanding to know who it was. Then coming back after only 5 minutes to say I had to hang up.
And then there came the times when she went out of town, and I was left at home alone. Of course I went crazy with my temporary freedom without her. Partying all night, and just hanging out with friends, which is what normal teenagers are entitled to do anyways.
I never did anything bad. Because I'm not really a bad person. I just wanted friends to hang out with. People I could talk to and have fun with. Nothing more. Just friends.
But she doubted my every move. Every friend I started to have were all drug addicts and prostitutes in her eyes. She even started calling me a worthless hoe and belittling me everytime she could.
And all my accomplishments meant nothing. I became a certified pharmacy technician, I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa, an honors society in college, and yet I still wasn't worth more than a piece of crap to her.
Just because I wasnt living the life she wanted me to live.
Just because I didnt want to become a pastor lady like she wanted me to. She even tried to force me into going to a Bible College in Mexico at the end of last year and I completely refused. She said if I didnt go, I had to leave the house, which was exactly what I had planned. I had had enough of her bullshit by that time.
I just packed my bags and started walking out. And she held me back and started to choke me. Her exact words were, "I'd rather see you dead than not doing what I tell you."
I dont know how I got out of that situation or how I got over it. It's a memory I'm still trying to block out of my mind.
I just know that after that, I didnt give a shit anymore. If she screamed at me, I screamed back. If she threw something at me, I would throw something bigger.
She tried to oppress me even more, cutting off any communication I had with anyone, and I only fought back harder.
That household wasnt a home anymore. It became a cold place filled with anger, resentment, and hate.
And as a final sign of rebellion, I got a tattoo, and my belly button pierced. Just to show her that I was gonna do whatever the hell I felt like doing without any concern of what she liked or wanted.
That was the breaking point.
That was more than she could handle. In her eyes I was supposedly spiraling down to a endless world of sin and she could no longer deal with it.
The ultimatum came. You have to leave. Now.
And I did.
I left.
And that is the one decision that I'm never gonna regret in my life.