Three Leaves from a Yew Tree - PG-13
Greetings!
Written for the Fall '07 Chase_Fest. Brought in late, but much improved, in great part thanks to the help of the Best of Betas pwcorgigirl
Titles: Three Leaves from a Yew Tree: Part I - Signs Easily Missed, Part II - Of Pride & Pennies, Part III - The First to Begin
Prompts:
Part I - #47 Post-"Mistake" -- Still surprised and angry that House didn't warn him, Chase thinks back over the past months, looking for any signs that House knew -- and realizes that House was planning to tell him, all the way back in "Cursed", before Chase said he didn't want to hear it. How does Chase react to that realization? And were there any other signs that he missed? Gen
Part II - #83 Why does Cuddy give Chase the time in NICU and lie about it? What does she know about him, or he have on her that House doesn't?
Part III - #35 (Gen) Chase's thoughts during 'Half-Wit'. The cancer diagnosis isn't a lie. I'd like to see a take on this that isn't mine.
Warnings: Minor character death, major character death; spoilers for S1-13 "Cursed, S2-8 "The Mistake", S-20 & 21 "Euphoria - Parts 1 &2", S2-22 "Forever", S3-15 - "Half-wit", possible spoilers for misc. bits of trivia; rated PG-13 for heavy thoughts and situations
Part I - Minor character death, spoilers for S1-13 "Cursed, S2-8 "The Mistake"
Part II - Minor character deaths, spoilers for S2-8 "The Mistake", S-20 & 21 "Euphoria - Parts 1 &2", S2-22 "Forever"
Part III - Major character death, spoilers for S3-15 - "Half-wit"
House M.D. and all related characters are the property of Shore Z, Bad Hat Harry, Fox, etc.
This particular variation on a theme belonging to others is mine.
Thank'ee's muchly!
-Katrina
Three Leaves from a Yew Tree
Part One - Signs Easily Missed
#47 Post-"Mistake" -- Still surprised and angry that House didn't warn him, Chase thinks back over the past months, looking for any signs that House knew -- and realizes that House was planning to tell him, all the way back in "Cursed", before Chase said he didn't want to hear it. How does Chase react to that realization? And were there any other signs that he missed? Gen
Signs Easily Missed
Chase stormed into House’s office, livid and spoiling for a fight. It had been ten months since the day he’d received the news that his father had passed away. One phone call in the middle of shift and his world had changed forever. May 11, 2005. A day that he couldn’t forget, no matter how hard he tried. A day that had been eating at him like… well, like a cancer, boring deep into his soul, instead of his organs, but no less dangerous for all that.
Something had finally occurred to him, slamming into his thoughts in the middle of another restless night. A memory of House’s face, sliding from lecturing to oddly bland in one brief set of exchanges, of a lesson suddenly evaporated into meaningless conversation.
Meaning emerged from meaninglessness with the speed of a striking cobra, and now Chase was out for blood.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Angry eyes bored holes into his boss as they stared at each other over House’s paper-strewn desk.
Guileless blue eyes stared back into his own. “Because you said you didn’t want to know.” The calmness in his voice and the lack of evasion only served to infuriate Chase further.
“And since when has that ever stopped you?” he snapped.
“Since you became my fellow.” House looked at him critically, sliding into professorial mode. “Chase, you’re going to have to face situations like this in your practice. How you decide to deal with this will affect your ability to function as a doctor.”
“So, this was just a lesson?” He couldn’t help the bitterness that filled his voice. At this point in his life, Chase knew he shouldn’t be surprised by those closest to him selling him out ‘for his own good’, but somehow, still, he was.
“No.” House’s voice held equal parts dismissal and sincerity.
“Then what else was it?”
“Karma.” And with that, he picked up his cane and walked out of his office, leaving Chase standing there, angry and hurting. And confused. What the hell had House meant by that?
It was a puzzle that stayed with him the rest of the day, lurking in the back of his mind as he saw clinic patients, did paperwork, dealt with the thousand-and-one things that filled his days. It stayed with him as he drove home to his tiny apartment. It haunted his dreams that night, leaving him tossing and turning, the sheets winding themselves around him like grave-clothes. What karma? What had he done to deserve this? Try as he might, he couldn’t think of anything he’d done to House to deserve the silence.
The puzzle stayed in his mind, irritating him like a grain of sand irritates an oyster - just as immovable, but stubbornly refusing to grow a layer of nacre around it to provide relief. Just as frustrating as the puzzle itself was the certain knowledge that House didn’t believe in the concept of karma anyway. So, why had he used it then, if not simply as another random justification for the unjustifiable?
Over the next few weeks, Chase grew snappish as the puzzle refused to resolve itself into a tidy solution. He started snarling at everyone who had the bad luck to get near him. The day he did a quite passable imitation of House on an unsuspecting clinic patient however, was the day he told himself ‘enough’. He went home that night, determined to figure things out.
Okay… so he was still pretty sure it wasn’t his karma that House had been talking about. So, whose could it be? His father’s? Possibly. Chase knew that House didn’t have a good relationship with his own father - the hospital scuttlebutt following House’s parent’s visit was proof of that - so he could see House transferring that feeling to his own issues with his father. But still… it didn’t quite seem to fit.
Then, it came to him, as many of his diagnoses did, out of the blue and yet so suddenly obvious he couldn’t imagine why he hadn’t seen it before. It was House’s own karma he’d been speaking of. In a blinding flash, he saw the one thing that connected House’s actions: the line past which the patient’s right to choose became paramount. At first glance, it seemed as if there were no such thing, but if one looked more closely… yes, that had to be it. Which meant that… he’d done it to himself. He remembered now how it had seemed that House had been about to say something when he’d said that he didn’t want to know… and how House had suddenly nodded and let it go in an unusual acquiescence.
But why follow his wishes and not his father’s? Again, he answered his own question. House’s priorities fell into concentric circles, with those closest to him receiving top priority, whether his own patient or his own fellow.
So, he’d done it to himself. And the lesson and the question both were… would he be willing to take the responsibility for his own actions?
**********************
“House.”
House stood by the window in his office, staring out into the distance. At the sound, he turned and watched Chase suspiciously, his body language radiating wariness.
“I came to apologize for what I said the other day. It wasn’t fair of me to blame you for the results of my own decisions.”
“No, it wasn’t.” Blue eyes stared into blue. “But it was understandable.”
This time it was Chase who looked away first.
“Thanks.”
“You’ve nothing to thank me for.”
“Yeah, actually, I do.” And this time it was Chase who walked away.
Part Two - Of Pride & Pennies
#83 Why does Cuddy give Chase the time in NICU and lie about it? What does she know about him, or he have on her that House doesn't?
Of Pride & Pennies
“Dr. Cuddy.”
She glanced up to see Chase standing in front of her desk. Underneath the air of calm he projected, she could sense the nervousness.
She raised her eyebrows. “Yes?”
“I… I could use some more hours. Do you have anything? I’m willing to use my vacation time to help cover it. Besides… I could use a bit of a break from Diagnostics.” His expression said all that he refused to put into words.
Cuddy wasn’t surprised by the announcement. She’d been more than half-expecting it ever since the debacle with Kayla McGinley. Her only surprise was that it had taken him this long to ask. She pulled up a computer file, using the need for data as a cover for the fact that she had already planned her answer long before he’d even thought of coming to see her. She glanced over the document and smiled. Perfect.
“Actually, I do. Please report to Dr Litman in the morning.”
“The NICU? I…”
She cut through his argument. “You’re an intensivist, aren’t you?”
“Well, yes, but…”
“Chase.” She looked at him patiently, but with a touch of irritation underneath, silently applauding all the acting abilities that her job had honed in her over the years. “Do you want the hours or not?”
“Okay. The NICU. Tomorrow morning. Dr. Litman.” He started to walk away, then turned back. “Thank you.”
She nodded; he left.
**********************
Cuddy smiled as she turned back to her work, relieved. She understood pride, the inability to ask for help even when one really needed it. After all, she did battle with it every day in her staff, in her patients, in her own heart.
She’d suspected all along something like this might happen. Whether it was the emotional scarring from his mistake over Kayla McGinley’s care, the sharp realization of his own mortality from Foreman’s experience, or the simple fact of his father’s death, Cuddy had known that Chase would eventually seek a refuge elsewhere. For all the things that House was brilliant at, grief counseling was not one of them.
By this point, it was no secret that Rowan Chase had departed this life without ever even telling his son he was dying. There had been something that House had said one night, something in the way Wilson had reacted one day, hints whose true significance had become apparent only after the awful fact.
She was not particularly surprised to learn that Dr. Chase, Sr., had taken this method of punishing his wayward child. She suspected it was not the first time he’d used money to get Chase to do what he wanted. There were hints, a turn of phrase, the occasional faraway glance, that told her Chase was not exactly where he wanted to be.
It would be a balm to his soul, she hoped, to spend some time working among those just starting out in life. Cuddy took care of her boys, did the best she could for them within the limits of her position. The confusion in Chase’s eyes had also told her that he wasn’t sure where he did want to be. She hoped that this time away from his normal duties might give him some much-needed answers. To stay or go. To follow medicine or God. Or to combine them into something wholly and uniquely his own.
**********************
When House came to inquire after the whereabouts of his missing fellow, as she’d known he would, Cuddy merely told him where, not why. And when he’d pressed her, as she’d also known he would, she simply told him that the decision had been made. Period. End of story.
He left, unsatisfied, but at least he’d left, which was all she could really hope for. It was up to Chase to decide where and what he wanted to be.
**********************
Like House, when he thought no one was watching, Chase was capable of a surprising gentleness and compassion. He poured the passion he held for life into each tiny soul, practically willing them to hold on, to overcome. And a surprising amount of the time, it seemed to work. Survival rates were already high in the NICU, thanks to careful hiring, but under Chase’s watchful eye, they grew even better.
Slowly, he started to relax, to heal as he worked among the babies. It was a different set of circumstances here in the NICU, a different set of requirements. For all that House had scoffed at the reasons he’d given for coming here, they hadn’t been completely wrong. It was good to be here, among patients that complained because they couldn’t understand what was happening to them, not because they simply could complain. It was good to be among those that had done nothing to deserve their ills, except be born in the wrong place and time. And it was good to be among those who were as yet incapable of lying, if only due to the lack of speech. Here, he could lose the cynicism that had begun to pervade his life, let it be replaced once again with his natural cautious optimism.
And then came Kara and her son, Michael. Their case forced him out of his safe haven, back into the world of Diagnostics, back to House and all the things he’d tried to avoid facing for just a little while longer. And when her son had died, and she’d made the choice to follow him, Chase knew it was time to return to where he was meant to be.
But he had one question first, one that had been nagging him ever since this whole thing had started. Chase entered Cuddy’s office and approached her.
“Why didn’t you ask me why?” he said abruptly.
She’d already prepared her answer, knowing that this conversation too, would inevitably happen. There were times her boys were nothing if not predictable. “Because I knew why.”
“And it didn’t matter?”
“Why would it have?”
Chase nodded and left. Behind him, Cuddy smiled to herself. At least for this time, Chase knew where he belonged.
Part Three - The First to Begin
#35 (Gen) Chase's thoughts during 'Half-Wit'. The cancer diagnosis isn't a lie. I'd like to see a take on this that isn't mine.
The First to Begin
Chase wasn’t buying it. It didn’t matter that they’d figured it out, that House had admitted his cancer diagnosis was a lie. This was House. What was to prevent him from layering another lie on top of the original?
Beyond the denial, the rage, there’d been something about House’s eyes, a hidden level of desperation when he’d snarled at them in his apartment. There was something more there than a lost chance at a trial and the drugs that would have gone along with it, he was sure. All the sneers from Chase’s colleagues couldn’t shake his feeling that somewhere, deep down, there’d been some level of truth to what House had told them.
Finally, when the combination of nerves and curiosity grew too great to be borne any longer, Chase went and found House in his office one evening.
This time as Chase entered, the customary glance of wariness didn’t go away upon recognition, but stayed, pouring itself through House’s voice, his body language. Chase noticed the change with a sinking heart. One more piece of evidence for a conclusion he did not want to make.
“What do you want?” House demanded, rising from his chair as if to prepare himself for either fight or flight.
“The cancer’s real, isn’t it?” Chase knew that the only way to get House to reveal himself was to go on the attack from the first. No holds barred, no more secrets kept. If he once let House get into his customary mode of deflect and deceive, he’d never get the answer he was looking for.
“Chase, I already told…”
“It’s real, isn’t it?” he repeated, evenly, but with just a hint of strength behind it.
House held his gaze for long moments, trying to gauge Chase’s motives, his reasons for asking. Finally he broke the contact with a nod. “Yes.”
Chase looked away, trying to process a confirmation he would rather not have gotten. He stood there in silence, unsure of what to say or do. Finally, he dared to bridge the gap between them. “I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do….”
House shook his head. “Just keep your mouth shut.” He turned away, began to fiddle with the toys on the shelf below the window.
Chase nodded. “You know that there’ll come a time when you can’t hide it any more.”
“I know.” While House was still mostly turned away from him, he’d moved enough that Chase could see House’s hands still for a moment before beginning their restless motions once more.
In that instant, Chase felt what was to come - the emptiness, the lament for things unsaid, undone - and all the pain he’d felt at his own father’s death came gushing forth in one shattered phrase.
“Tell Wilson.”
“No.”
“Why not?” Chase stared at his boss’ back in shocked amazement. You knew what it did to me, how could you…. Even in his thoughts, Chase didn’t dare finish the sentence.
“Because!” He whirled to face Chase, the effort it took to continue calmly plain to read on his face, his body. “Because,” he continued more softly. “he couldn’t handle the truth.”
“Could he handle the consequences of not knowing?” Chase asked quietly. “You saw what happened before. Would you really do that to him again? For real?” The words were not only for Wilson’s sake, and he knew that House knew it. Strange, how words could echo across time….
House held Chase’s gaze for a moment, then glanced away. “Go home.” The words held all the weariness of a lifetime of fighting the odds. His eyes came back to Chase’s face long enough to glare fiercely at him. “And keep this to yourself. If I find that you’ve been the one to…” He left the threat unvoiced.
Chase threw up his hands in frustration and surrender. “They won’t hear it from me.”
He let House’s - “They’d better not.” - roll off his back unanswered as he walked out. He’d done what he could.
And at least this time, he knew.
**********************
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Cameron’s voice rang shrill with unshed tears. The funeral had been hard on all of them. So many things left unsaid, undone, the only connection the fact they would never be finished now.
“He asked me not to.”
“And that thing about being fired…”
“He’d asked Cuddy not to either.”
She was angry, he could see that, but she said nothing else as she stomped away to shed her anger and her grief elsewhere. For a brief moment, Chase regretted the way their relationship had turned out, leading her to seek solace elsewhere. He let it go as he saw Wilson sitting quietly by himself in a corner of the sanctuary.
Chase walked over, sat down. “How are you doing?” He shook his head. “Stupid question. Forget I asked.”
Wilson roused himself, visibly pulling the mask of forced cheer over his features as he did so often. “It’s okay. I’m glad you did.” And to Chase’s astonishment, and possibly his own, Wilson answered the question. “I’m here. I shouldn’t be surprised that this was how he chose to handle it, and yet….”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
Wilson looked at Chase. “Yeah, I imagine you would.”
The two men sat there in silence, sharing a moment of grief for two proud men, both so very different from each other, and yet, at the end, not so very different after all.
Epilogue
Chase thought about the losses, from parent to child back to parent again. Had it really only been two-and-a-half years? His father, determined to control him even from beyond the grave. Kayla, who gave up a last-ditch chance at extending her life in return for time to say goodbye to her children. Kara, who chose death rather than go on living after she killed her son, for all that she’d ultimately been blameless. And back around again to another father, of sorts.
He would miss House. For all the man’s arrogance and attitude, in the end, House had been a good teacher and mentor. He’d learned many things - some by negative example, some by positive example - about how to be a good physician, and he would take those forth into his own practice. And maybe someday, if he got the chance, to his own students. He only hoped that when the time came, they’d find he’d left them as good a legacy.
**********************