So Sexy
Confidence is sexy
Being fit is sexy
Being successful is sexy
Being happy is sexy
Being certain is sexy
In my everyday life I come across the idea that all these things are sexy. Not even so much sexy as just appealing. A while back I was going to a movie with a friend of mine who just so happens to be a model and I asked her completely out of the blue (for her anyways) "Am I just the ugliest mother fucker out there or what?" I can honestly say that I've never had a problem surprising people. See the thing is, I'm not confident, I'm not fit, I'm not successful, I'm not certain, I don't even know if I'm really happy most of the time. Why?
A friend of mine told me that even though I told him some of the things that bothered me that according to him I look and act like a perfectly well adjusted and happy person. My family is convinced that I need to go back on medication. And, a friend of mine recently had a chance to go over some of the aspects of my personality that he didn't quite understand in a rather insulting heart to heart. He lightens the mood by insulting me in humorous ways. It's a cross between feeling worse and getting angry and just laughing at the stupidity of any given situation. He is very funny.
I don't think I'm following a clear train of thought here but this is how I have to express it. I'm not suicidal. I'm not living on the street. I can afford to live. (mostly, have you seen gas prices?) I don't know that I could live alone though. It's not a financial thing but more of an emotional thing. Maybe I need someone else to be happy. I found myself happier than I had been in years when I was dating my ex. Maybe it's natural. But, shouldn't I be happy and fine by myself? I've spent years trying to feel better about myself telling myself that I would be a horrible match for someone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. In turn all that has happened is time has passed and I feel worse because I'm older and still in the same situations I was before.
The world isn't pink flowers and strawberry kisses. I'd rather it were but it's not. I find myself angry, and sad, and lonely with no real reason. I can drive myself to distraction but that only lasts for so long and then you find yourself hating yourself for not being more productive during that period. I look at what I've done with my life and I find that it doesn't amount to anything. I need answers. I need hope. I need peace. I need to stop whining on LJ about this. But, this is where I vent. This is where I express myself without worry or fear. A bit of frustration and anger occasionally but never fear.
She told me that I was a different kind of handsome. The model told me that. My ex told me that she just wasn't attracted to me. So maybe I'm not sexy. Maybe I'm not attractive. I can run down a list a mile long of things that I'm not. But, what am I?
*disclaimer*
The world isn't coming to a crashing halt. Nothing extraordinarily bad has happened. These things always run through my mind. These are my fears and worries put to my journal. Nothing more. However, I feel that my journal is the only place I can express them so I apologize if I seem like I am always a downer.
Mysti
Being fit is sexy
Being successful is sexy
Being happy is sexy
Being certain is sexy
In my everyday life I come across the idea that all these things are sexy. Not even so much sexy as just appealing. A while back I was going to a movie with a friend of mine who just so happens to be a model and I asked her completely out of the blue (for her anyways) "Am I just the ugliest mother fucker out there or what?" I can honestly say that I've never had a problem surprising people. See the thing is, I'm not confident, I'm not fit, I'm not successful, I'm not certain, I don't even know if I'm really happy most of the time. Why?
A friend of mine told me that even though I told him some of the things that bothered me that according to him I look and act like a perfectly well adjusted and happy person. My family is convinced that I need to go back on medication. And, a friend of mine recently had a chance to go over some of the aspects of my personality that he didn't quite understand in a rather insulting heart to heart. He lightens the mood by insulting me in humorous ways. It's a cross between feeling worse and getting angry and just laughing at the stupidity of any given situation. He is very funny.
I don't think I'm following a clear train of thought here but this is how I have to express it. I'm not suicidal. I'm not living on the street. I can afford to live. (mostly, have you seen gas prices?) I don't know that I could live alone though. It's not a financial thing but more of an emotional thing. Maybe I need someone else to be happy. I found myself happier than I had been in years when I was dating my ex. Maybe it's natural. But, shouldn't I be happy and fine by myself? I've spent years trying to feel better about myself telling myself that I would be a horrible match for someone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. In turn all that has happened is time has passed and I feel worse because I'm older and still in the same situations I was before.
The world isn't pink flowers and strawberry kisses. I'd rather it were but it's not. I find myself angry, and sad, and lonely with no real reason. I can drive myself to distraction but that only lasts for so long and then you find yourself hating yourself for not being more productive during that period. I look at what I've done with my life and I find that it doesn't amount to anything. I need answers. I need hope. I need peace. I need to stop whining on LJ about this. But, this is where I vent. This is where I express myself without worry or fear. A bit of frustration and anger occasionally but never fear.
She told me that I was a different kind of handsome. The model told me that. My ex told me that she just wasn't attracted to me. So maybe I'm not sexy. Maybe I'm not attractive. I can run down a list a mile long of things that I'm not. But, what am I?
*disclaimer*
The world isn't coming to a crashing halt. Nothing extraordinarily bad has happened. These things always run through my mind. These are my fears and worries put to my journal. Nothing more. However, I feel that my journal is the only place I can express them so I apologize if I seem like I am always a downer.
Mysti