And it's over.
Yep, she dumped me. Via e-mail no less. I knew she had moved on a while ago and I posted that every word she said sounded to me like goodbye. Well it was. Maybe I should be relieved. I'm not in suspense anymore about wheter or not she's comming back to me. She was gone before she left. I really don't blame her and I know that she... ... I don't know anything. Honestly I'm crushed and I want to curl up in a ball and disapear. I feel like an undesireable. she enjoys conversations and my intelligence (whatever) but the idea of a physical relationship doesn't apeal to her. She's not attracted to me. Well I understand that but It does leave me wondering if anyone will ever be. I don't want to be a mean and resentful fifty year old single man. That is one of my greatest fears. That I will be alone.
So in my infinite wisdom using that keen intelect that she fancies I have started to consider crabbing up in Alaska. Six months of misery but I can come home with enough money to get things on the track I want them to be on. My brother said he could completely see me doing that. Mystchevious on The Deadliest Catch. The thing is it doesn't solve my problems at all. I'll just be another year older with the same problems and even less ability to interact socially.
This of course brings up the fear that I didn't love her so much as I loved the way she made me feel. That she quieted one of my fears for a while. That I loved the idea of her? But I did love her. I do love her. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. She makes me cry. I really don't know what I'm going to do. The one thing I know I'm going to do however. is something I almost never do anymore. I am going to cry. And then I'm probably going to be angry about it. And when I see her next I'm going to put on my best shit eating grin and I'm going to pretend that I am strong enough to handle this. I'm going to try to keep an attachment to her as a friend. Though the odd part about this is when I first realized I could touch her I really didn't see her as a threat. I didn't picture her harming me in any way. But she hurt me in a way that few people ever have the chance to. And it's going to show. So I'll smile at work for the tenants. I'll smile at Sakura con for my friends. And I'll smile around my friends for her. But I'm going to cry right now because I don't know what else I can do. Like I said I don't know anything. Maybe when I turn into that 50 year old bastard the right woman will come along and hell not even the right woman some random woman will come along and decide that she has finished everything that she needs to and settle for me. And maybe just maybe I'll be able to smile for her and convince myself that everything is alright. Melo drama sucks but this is how I feel.
So in my infinite wisdom using that keen intelect that she fancies I have started to consider crabbing up in Alaska. Six months of misery but I can come home with enough money to get things on the track I want them to be on. My brother said he could completely see me doing that. Mystchevious on The Deadliest Catch. The thing is it doesn't solve my problems at all. I'll just be another year older with the same problems and even less ability to interact socially.
This of course brings up the fear that I didn't love her so much as I loved the way she made me feel. That she quieted one of my fears for a while. That I loved the idea of her? But I did love her. I do love her. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. She makes me cry. I really don't know what I'm going to do. The one thing I know I'm going to do however. is something I almost never do anymore. I am going to cry. And then I'm probably going to be angry about it. And when I see her next I'm going to put on my best shit eating grin and I'm going to pretend that I am strong enough to handle this. I'm going to try to keep an attachment to her as a friend. Though the odd part about this is when I first realized I could touch her I really didn't see her as a threat. I didn't picture her harming me in any way. But she hurt me in a way that few people ever have the chance to. And it's going to show. So I'll smile at work for the tenants. I'll smile at Sakura con for my friends. And I'll smile around my friends for her. But I'm going to cry right now because I don't know what else I can do. Like I said I don't know anything. Maybe when I turn into that 50 year old bastard the right woman will come along and hell not even the right woman some random woman will come along and decide that she has finished everything that she needs to and settle for me. And maybe just maybe I'll be able to smile for her and convince myself that everything is alright. Melo drama sucks but this is how I feel.