Bitter Sweet Rage +6
Ok look I know this is the most conflicting post I've done in ages so just bear with me. I have recently started dating this young lady who, Heaven help me, is fabulous. She's beautiful, she's intelegent, she's funny. She's free. She recently broke up with her partner of four years and is now dealing with it and casually dating. I am fortunate enough to be able to be a person that she is casually dating. I know that means that she's free to date other people as well and if she should find someone who she is more fond of I know that I'm out the door. Friends but not a datable friend at that point. She knows that I would love to date her exclusivly but I wouldn't put that kind of preasure on her. She needs time to heal and if I'm the rebound guy then hey. So every time I see her I am thrilled. I am happy I can't wait to put my arms around her. Not even a sexual thing most times I just love that feeling of being near her. And every time we are about to part I all comes crashing down again. The reality of the actual situation. It's really a bitter sweet situation. I hope I'm not just saying this. I hope I mean it from the bottom of my heart but, no matter what happens I am going to be a better person for having had the chance to be with her. She is really helping me come out of my shell as far as personal boundries and Lord knows I haven't been with a woman in a decade. It's about freaking time.
So we've covered bitter sweet now lets get onto rage. As a person of color it has been pointed out to me that I am extremely angry. That is probably a fair anylsis. I recently built up the nerve to cross play at the up comming convention. It was only for a few hours and it would be silly fun. When the guy who was heading up the voulenteers figured out who I was he decided "Yeah lets see you in something other than a dress. Is that ok?" and the look on his face was, I swear to God revulsion. This comming from the guy who puts all his notes into a folder with picutres of him cosplaying AND FUCKING CROSSPLAYING him fucking self. I sat there and looked him dead in his eyes and said OK FINE. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge push over but that I will on the drop of a dime decide that I hate someone and do nothing for them and hate them well forever. This is definately one of those cases. He proceeded to dump all his responsability on the young lady I am dating and then later on decided that It would be best if I were in charge of taking all the pictures. You know to promote this for furure cons. So Let me get this fucking straight, I think to myself. You want me to dress up as a guy so that I don't stand out and on top of that you want me to take pictures so I can't be seen in any of them. Would you like me to fucking hide in a corner as fucking well... who knows someone might accidently assume that I am a part of the same fucking commity that you are. Shit Why don't I just FUCKING JUMP IN FRONT OF A GOD DAMN CAR AS FUCKING WELL!!! You know. If I'm not fucking there I can't be a GOD DAMN EMBARASMENT TO YOU. OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT TO KILL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!. I'm fucking hurt that he out right decided that I shouldn't crossplay. I know I don't look like a fucking girl. That was never the fucking intent. But, ARGH!!!!!! So yeah that fucking hurts then for him to try to shove me behind a camera so I can't be seen. Oh yeah lets also not forget that his use of Grammar has further dictated that I'm not really part of the group. "Yeah so you'll be a waiter... Ok so all the Waitresses will line up and greet people at X time and then head to their stations." Look I try my fucking hardest not to be a God Damned hypocrit and I feel right now that I should make it so he isn't a hypocrit. See if I cut off his junk and shove it down is fucking throat it's not crossplay now is it?
I appolagize I am very angry and I have no actual intent of causing him physical pain. I very well may however just distance myself from this whole thing and... I don't even think I can do that without feeling angry. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. What I do know is that Whatever it is I need to be calm when I talk to this fucktard or I may very well say something that I shouldn't. Or if I have had a drink I may crack his skull... Good thing I don't drink in public now isn't it?
Going back to a previous statement I am a very angry person. Anyways, now that the young lady I am dating has more or less control and dipshit has decided that he's going to mexico for the entire fucking thing... Oh yeah did I mention that? Yeah he's setting things up and dumping all the responsibility on someone else and going to Mexi(fucking)co. ARGH!!! Anyways, she has said that if I want I can crossplay. Well confidence shattered, and trepidation setting in much more than it had before I think I'd rather just beat his skull in with a stool... (again I won't physically harm this young man no matter how much I really want to)
I may just dress up in a rented tux and be miserable. Chalking another con up to the god why did I even bother category. Though the potential for this con to suck even more is rather likely. Especially with several young men, the girl I am dating has made out with, showing up. Casual dating is fantastic and horrible at the same time. I just have to remember that I agreed to this and that she is worth it. Though all I need to do is spend time with her to realize that she is worth it. Better than I am at least. Well this rant has gone on long enough. I'll leave you be... I'm going to go listen to Johny Cash's cover of hurt for a few hours and try to channel the confusion I feel into a story. Remember Emo Kids Suck.
Well if you have advice let me know...
So we've covered bitter sweet now lets get onto rage. As a person of color it has been pointed out to me that I am extremely angry. That is probably a fair anylsis. I recently built up the nerve to cross play at the up comming convention. It was only for a few hours and it would be silly fun. When the guy who was heading up the voulenteers figured out who I was he decided "Yeah lets see you in something other than a dress. Is that ok?" and the look on his face was, I swear to God revulsion. This comming from the guy who puts all his notes into a folder with picutres of him cosplaying AND FUCKING CROSSPLAYING him fucking self. I sat there and looked him dead in his eyes and said OK FINE. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge push over but that I will on the drop of a dime decide that I hate someone and do nothing for them and hate them well forever. This is definately one of those cases. He proceeded to dump all his responsability on the young lady I am dating and then later on decided that It would be best if I were in charge of taking all the pictures. You know to promote this for furure cons. So Let me get this fucking straight, I think to myself. You want me to dress up as a guy so that I don't stand out and on top of that you want me to take pictures so I can't be seen in any of them. Would you like me to fucking hide in a corner as fucking well... who knows someone might accidently assume that I am a part of the same fucking commity that you are. Shit Why don't I just FUCKING JUMP IN FRONT OF A GOD DAMN CAR AS FUCKING WELL!!! You know. If I'm not fucking there I can't be a GOD DAMN EMBARASMENT TO YOU. OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT TO KILL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!. I'm fucking hurt that he out right decided that I shouldn't crossplay. I know I don't look like a fucking girl. That was never the fucking intent. But, ARGH!!!!!! So yeah that fucking hurts then for him to try to shove me behind a camera so I can't be seen. Oh yeah lets also not forget that his use of Grammar has further dictated that I'm not really part of the group. "Yeah so you'll be a waiter... Ok so all the Waitresses will line up and greet people at X time and then head to their stations." Look I try my fucking hardest not to be a God Damned hypocrit and I feel right now that I should make it so he isn't a hypocrit. See if I cut off his junk and shove it down is fucking throat it's not crossplay now is it?
I appolagize I am very angry and I have no actual intent of causing him physical pain. I very well may however just distance myself from this whole thing and... I don't even think I can do that without feeling angry. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. What I do know is that Whatever it is I need to be calm when I talk to this fucktard or I may very well say something that I shouldn't. Or if I have had a drink I may crack his skull... Good thing I don't drink in public now isn't it?
Going back to a previous statement I am a very angry person. Anyways, now that the young lady I am dating has more or less control and dipshit has decided that he's going to mexico for the entire fucking thing... Oh yeah did I mention that? Yeah he's setting things up and dumping all the responsibility on someone else and going to Mexi(fucking)co. ARGH!!! Anyways, she has said that if I want I can crossplay. Well confidence shattered, and trepidation setting in much more than it had before I think I'd rather just beat his skull in with a stool... (again I won't physically harm this young man no matter how much I really want to)
I may just dress up in a rented tux and be miserable. Chalking another con up to the god why did I even bother category. Though the potential for this con to suck even more is rather likely. Especially with several young men, the girl I am dating has made out with, showing up. Casual dating is fantastic and horrible at the same time. I just have to remember that I agreed to this and that she is worth it. Though all I need to do is spend time with her to realize that she is worth it. Better than I am at least. Well this rant has gone on long enough. I'll leave you be... I'm going to go listen to Johny Cash's cover of hurt for a few hours and try to channel the confusion I feel into a story. Remember Emo Kids Suck.
Well if you have advice let me know...