Lets not wait till the water runs dry and make the biggest mistake of our lives...
Ahh I'm so many things right now. I'm tired. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm torn. I'm so confused. I knew before I even came down here that something was going to happen or I was going to find something and get all upset. Like always. I was snooping and I found condoms. What does he need those for? Really? I found his camera and found more pictures of him and Allie. I guess I just didn't seem um last time I looked. In this one she was kissing him on the cheek. Granted thats not even that bad but damn that makes my insides just hurt. It makes me whole body ache. The whole thing just frustrates me. These are supposed to be the best years of my life. I'm not supposed to feel like this... but I guess maybe I am. I bring some of this on myself. If I had never messed up in the first place, maybe things would be different. I just don't understand why we keep doin this shit to each other. Maybe I'm just picking at petty shit but I know that if he ever found pictures like that of me and any guy he'd be pissed. But this is like a never-ending cycle. If its not me doing something wrong, its him. But why is it that I always get caught and he doesn't? I mean theres so much shit that just points to the fact that he does things behind my back but he never gets found out. And I do.
This time I've been good. I've had no interest in anyone else. I told him I could do it this time and I can. But I feel like theres things about him that I don't even have a clue about and it scares me. Just think about it. It just freaks me out to think there could be a whole other side of him that I don't even know. It went from friends in 9th grade to love of my life in 10th and 11th. Did I miss something in between there? Sometimes I just wish I was alone... love is worth it, it really is. But it sucks at the same time. At the best, it just shows you things you thought you'd never see. It makes you feel things you didn't even know you were capable of feeling. You hurt, but in a good way.. like you want to be with him so bad. You just wanna touch him. You wanna know smell his smell and taste his kiss. Its the greatest thing in the world and then all of a sudden something happens and it all changes. The kisses don't mean as much, his touch makes you hurt and being next to him makes you wish you could just disappear. There was the time after I found the pictures of him and Allie. I layed with him in my bed and I just hurt. I didn't want to touch me because I knew he didn't mean all the things he was saying. He was trying to explain and he stuttered it out. At that point it wasn't even worth it. I had caught on to him and he knew it. And he still knows it.
Wow, I really dont know what to think anymore. I'm all typed out. I'm worn out and I think a little nap would do me some good. I know I can be as pissed off as I want right now and it won't even matter because in 3 hours I'm going to see him and I'm not gonna say anything. I'm gonna act like I don't know anything and he won't even know. I guess thats the best way to handle it. No, I changed my mind. Its not the best way. Its my way... and its tearing me apart.