words that can't be spoken stream off my face
today was my mother's first mother's day without a mother...sounds like a tongue-twister, but one you never want to repeat...i know she's really upset...i am too...i keep thinking more and more about mimi, especially how i should have made more of an effort to spend time with her before she died...she only had 2 months...but we didn't know that...we thought she had til april, but we lost her in december...we didn't know...i didn't know...in october, when we first found out that she had cancer and the magnitude of it, i seriously thought that i should take the spring semester off from school to be with her before she died...i didn't want her to fight it alone...i didn't want her to die alone...
after she was diagnosed with cancer, the first time i saw her was the night that she died...i had just come from seeing jon in philly, to my grandmother's in new jersey...i remember talking to jon, calm at the time because i didn't know what to expect...but i had prepared myself...i called my mother, she was with my grandmother, and had been for the last few weeks...she kept asking me if i was prepared to see my grandmother the way she was...i was...i knew she wasn't going to be the mimi that i was used to seeing...
i walked in the door, and saw her laying in a hospital-type bed, right where her favorite reclining chair used to be...where she would sit and watch baseball and basketball games, play her videogames...she knew i was there...i know she did...when she opened her eyes, she was looking forlornly off into space, into nothing in particular...such a vulnerable look, i will never forget it as long as i live...holding her hand, my mom goes, "look who's here mom! katie's here", trying to get my grandmother's attention...she couldn't talk, but she opened her eyes and smiled at me...later on, we were told by the hospice nurse that we should not try to get mimi's attention anymore...she was trying to make the distinction between life and death, hanging on, or letting go...and we had to just let her go...on the outside, i was ok, but on the inside, i was not...i tried to call jon, the whole time the phone was ringing, i was saying "i can't do this, i can't do this"...i needed to talk to somebody...it was so hard to see my grandmother that way...
we thought she had another 24 hours to live, my father was going to come in the morning...but he had a feeling that she wouldn't make it til then, so he came about 4 am...before he left, he got me on the phone and told me that i had to help her let go...i had to tell my grandmother that it was okay to let go, it was okay to die...while i was talking to her, she was moaning...it was hard to hear her beautiful voice then, not talking to me, joking around with me, but moaning because she was in more pain than we could ever imagine...my mom and my aunt were a wreck...they hadn't spept in 2 days...my mom asked me if i regretted coming, having to see my grandmother that way...i said not at all...my only regret is that i didn't see her sooner...my mom and aunt said that one of the last things my grandmother said was that she wanted me to open my presents in front of her...my grandmother had bought me a birthday present and a christmas present...and she wanted to see me open them...i told my mom that i coulndn't do it...but i had to, it was what my grandmother wanted...my mother, my aunt, and i are all standing around my grandmother, all of us with a steady stream of tears running down our faces, while i open the shirt boxes that my gifts were in...my grandmother had not wrapped them...but the boxes were from strawbridges, where she worked up until her diagnosis..."katie" was written on the side of one of the boxes...it was so hard, what do you do when the person who gave you the gifts you are opening up is dying right in front of you?...the gifts were two sweaters that i really love...my mom goes, choking back sobs, "do you hear that mom? she likes them! she likes the sweaters you bought her"...
tonight, my family wass sitting around our dining room table, and my father gives my other grandmother her mother's day present...it's in a shirt box...she peels the paper from the top of the box, revealing "strawbridges" printed on the box...she unwraps the rest of it...."katie" is written on the side...my heart sank...i looked at my mother, who turned her head away for a second...when she turned back, her eyes were full of tears...we were both replaying our last night with my grandmother in our heads...
...happy mother's day...
after she was diagnosed with cancer, the first time i saw her was the night that she died...i had just come from seeing jon in philly, to my grandmother's in new jersey...i remember talking to jon, calm at the time because i didn't know what to expect...but i had prepared myself...i called my mother, she was with my grandmother, and had been for the last few weeks...she kept asking me if i was prepared to see my grandmother the way she was...i was...i knew she wasn't going to be the mimi that i was used to seeing...
i walked in the door, and saw her laying in a hospital-type bed, right where her favorite reclining chair used to be...where she would sit and watch baseball and basketball games, play her videogames...she knew i was there...i know she did...when she opened her eyes, she was looking forlornly off into space, into nothing in particular...such a vulnerable look, i will never forget it as long as i live...holding her hand, my mom goes, "look who's here mom! katie's here", trying to get my grandmother's attention...she couldn't talk, but she opened her eyes and smiled at me...later on, we were told by the hospice nurse that we should not try to get mimi's attention anymore...she was trying to make the distinction between life and death, hanging on, or letting go...and we had to just let her go...on the outside, i was ok, but on the inside, i was not...i tried to call jon, the whole time the phone was ringing, i was saying "i can't do this, i can't do this"...i needed to talk to somebody...it was so hard to see my grandmother that way...
we thought she had another 24 hours to live, my father was going to come in the morning...but he had a feeling that she wouldn't make it til then, so he came about 4 am...before he left, he got me on the phone and told me that i had to help her let go...i had to tell my grandmother that it was okay to let go, it was okay to die...while i was talking to her, she was moaning...it was hard to hear her beautiful voice then, not talking to me, joking around with me, but moaning because she was in more pain than we could ever imagine...my mom and my aunt were a wreck...they hadn't spept in 2 days...my mom asked me if i regretted coming, having to see my grandmother that way...i said not at all...my only regret is that i didn't see her sooner...my mom and aunt said that one of the last things my grandmother said was that she wanted me to open my presents in front of her...my grandmother had bought me a birthday present and a christmas present...and she wanted to see me open them...i told my mom that i coulndn't do it...but i had to, it was what my grandmother wanted...my mother, my aunt, and i are all standing around my grandmother, all of us with a steady stream of tears running down our faces, while i open the shirt boxes that my gifts were in...my grandmother had not wrapped them...but the boxes were from strawbridges, where she worked up until her diagnosis..."katie" was written on the side of one of the boxes...it was so hard, what do you do when the person who gave you the gifts you are opening up is dying right in front of you?...the gifts were two sweaters that i really love...my mom goes, choking back sobs, "do you hear that mom? she likes them! she likes the sweaters you bought her"...
tonight, my family wass sitting around our dining room table, and my father gives my other grandmother her mother's day present...it's in a shirt box...she peels the paper from the top of the box, revealing "strawbridges" printed on the box...she unwraps the rest of it...."katie" is written on the side...my heart sank...i looked at my mother, who turned her head away for a second...when she turned back, her eyes were full of tears...we were both replaying our last night with my grandmother in our heads...
...happy mother's day...