(no subject)
this is for jason who tells me i never update this thing. i've been thinking a lot lately about why i'm so stressed out all the time and i've always contributed it to other people driving me nuts and blaming them completely. as it turns out, my problem is that i can't take no for an answer. my mom tells me she isn't giving me fistfuls of money to go to an unnecessarily expensive school and instead of thinking of other ways to come up with some of the money, i like to argue with her and get upset when things don't go my way. someone tells me they can't see me all the time because they don't have time to sleep or eat let alone hang out with ANYONE at all and i just see that as they don't want to hang out with me. i take everything personally and feel that i'm not good enough when, in reality, none of it has anything to do with me, the world just does not revolve around me; it's hard enough for everyone else without me whining at them all the time. i didn't really realize something else was upsetting me as much as it is either. my brother's behavior about life in general has been kind of bothering me for quite awhile, but just recently i realized how competely depressed it makes me to live here with him and not be able to do anything about him. i want to help but there's really nothing i can do. i want to help everyone and sometimes i just end up getting to be annoying because there's nothing i can do to help them either. i sound like an f*ing miss america contestant but that's what my problem is sometimes. whenever people around me are unhappy about anything, i want to be the one to make everything better for them. this is completely unrealistic yet i still convince myself i should be able to do something. the reality of it is, i can do something for them, but sometimes that "something" is just to lay off them and not demand so much from them.
i am no longer going into interior design. after the whole IADT incident i sat and thought about it and i really don't want to take out student loans to pursue something that doesn't really excite me. if i really want to "just get a degree and get the hell out" i might as well do it in something i can do at OU or somewhere cheaper since nothing at all is really exciting to me as a career. maybe i'll become a flight attendant and travel the world, something i've always wanted to do...you don't even need a college degree for that at all, although i would probably get at least an associates relating to french because they prefer people who are bilingual.
that leads me to my last thought for the day. my dad told me that he is, for sure, taking me to france this summer. that is perhaps one of the most exciting things i will ever do since i have wanted to visit france for about 8 years now. if i find a friend who can afford to go half on a ticket with me, i can take someone with me, but i doubt i will be able to find anyone who can afford it, but too bad because i'm going anyway. after all, how many friends do i actually have? i've been thinking about this too, and i really only have a small handful. i've got kelly who is too busy to hang out but once every month or two. there's megan who lives in new york at least 9 months out of every year. there's amber who is moving to california in august. there is jason, who i see the most probably. there is mike sometimes, although i go weeks without talking to him. at this point, that is about it. there is brandon who i talk to as much as some of the other people listed, but i don't really know what i consider him right now; i don't know if i'll ever know. i envy those people who tell me about their big group of friends that do everything together because i've never had that. i've never been good at making/keeping friends and i know that.
i am no longer going into interior design. after the whole IADT incident i sat and thought about it and i really don't want to take out student loans to pursue something that doesn't really excite me. if i really want to "just get a degree and get the hell out" i might as well do it in something i can do at OU or somewhere cheaper since nothing at all is really exciting to me as a career. maybe i'll become a flight attendant and travel the world, something i've always wanted to do...you don't even need a college degree for that at all, although i would probably get at least an associates relating to french because they prefer people who are bilingual.
that leads me to my last thought for the day. my dad told me that he is, for sure, taking me to france this summer. that is perhaps one of the most exciting things i will ever do since i have wanted to visit france for about 8 years now. if i find a friend who can afford to go half on a ticket with me, i can take someone with me, but i doubt i will be able to find anyone who can afford it, but too bad because i'm going anyway. after all, how many friends do i actually have? i've been thinking about this too, and i really only have a small handful. i've got kelly who is too busy to hang out but once every month or two. there's megan who lives in new york at least 9 months out of every year. there's amber who is moving to california in august. there is jason, who i see the most probably. there is mike sometimes, although i go weeks without talking to him. at this point, that is about it. there is brandon who i talk to as much as some of the other people listed, but i don't really know what i consider him right now; i don't know if i'll ever know. i envy those people who tell me about their big group of friends that do everything together because i've never had that. i've never been good at making/keeping friends and i know that.