when all your lies have come undone
so i was sitting here worrying, as usual, and i figured i'd be productive and share. have you ever had things that make you want to break down and cry one minute, but like the next day you could care less about? i thought i had everything figured out, but i dunno. am i even SUPPOSSED to have things figured out yet? how are we even suppossed to kno who we are these days? if you stop and think about it, we are never truely 'ourselves.' we may think we are, but honestly, society has so much impact on who we are and what we do each and every day. it controls how we think and act, what we consider normal, who we shun, what we look like, our mannerisms, ect. and we conform just so we survive. but how are we suppossed to really find out who we are and what we believe in if what we are suppossed to be is shoved down our throats everyday. it scares me to think that i have no control over who i am and how i think. society even punishes us for trying to be ourselves. have any of you even stopped to think how we treat people who are different than us. we make fun of them, we talk behind their backs, we laugh, we dont talk to them. but seriously, isnt it possible that they are better than us for having the courage to step up and try to figure out who they are w/o society? just think about it. who are we to judge? im sick of always wondering if i really believe what i belive or if its just some crap society has told me to believe. it makes us develop like multiple personalities. i kno most of you are gonna be like 'oh thats not me, i dont do that' but hear me out. we become one person at home, one person at school, and one person with friends. then it splits even more. we become one person with one group of friends and another with a different group of friends and so one. how are we suppossed to know which one is the real us? i mean, in all those different faces we put on, is even ONE of them real. what is society prevented us from even becoming who we really are suppossed to be. if i lived 100 years earlier, who would i be? who will i be when im older? how will the world affect me and change me from who i am today into someone else 20 years from now. this whole thing is just too much to think about. but i think everyone should think about it because who we are is the most important concept in life.
on another note, ive been thinking a lot about trust. i dont have any. its a sad day when you can honestly say you dont trust anyone in your life. not your friends, your family, not anyone. trust is the most important thing in my life, and i dont think a lot of people know that. my lack of trust governs the way i live my life. i constantly doubt my friend's motives, words, and actions. its hard and i always feel like they hate me although 80% of the time its all in my head. (ps the 'i love eric' note in my purse wasnt appreciated.) i just wish i could have a normal relationship with someone. its the constant worrier in me. i worry all the time, to the point where i worry about my excessive worrying. whatever, mabe there's medication out there somewhere for it. everything these days can be medicated, which is sad.
lastly, i think i may have a life plan. i went to JMU, which was amazing, and met this girl who did the psych lecture. she told me about this learning community program where you are automatically placed in the psych major and take classes with other people in the learning community. you live with other ppl in your LC in these huuuuge dorms, which is like the major reason im doing it. lol. also, it allows me to graduate AND get my masters in 5 years which is fabulous. im going to major in psych and minor in substance abuse treatment and therapy. like john said, 'ya cant treat it til youve done it.' amen. but the minor may change later once ive started bc theres just so much i wanna do. going to JMU really made me want to be smart. it was weird. i can say ive never felt like that before. but the smartness can wait until after senior year. senioritis is way too much fun!