New and Improved! (Hopefully) FIC: A Gift of Understanding
Since my first version of this story was a resounding dud, here is the new and improved version of A Gift of Understanding. My thanks to westwardlee for encouraging the changes I made.
Title: A Gift of Understanding
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The book they discuss, The Charioteer, was written by Mary Renault.
Summary: By reading a book that Lily has given to Remus, Sirius gains a new insight into his friend. The story is set in the summer before Harry's fifth year, and in the September of Remus's seventh year.
A Gift of Understanding
“Don’t leave yet, Mad-Eye,” Sirius urged. “Lunch is almost ready, and Molly always makes enough to feed an army.”
“An army of Weasleys is what you’ve got. You don’t need me eating you out of house and home too.”
“C’mon Mad-Eye, help balance out the adult to child ratio,” Sirius said with a wink at Ron and Hermione who were just coming down the stairs. At the first click of the front door latch, Moody drew his wand and whirled to face the door.
“Only me,” Remus said with a smile as he came in, completely unfazed by the menacing greeting he’d received.
“Didn’t expect you back until tomorrow,” Sirius said, sounding very pleased by Remus’s early return.
“Oh no?” Moody, on the other hand, did not approve of surprises. He kept his wand pointed at Remus. “Black, ask him something only Lupin’d know.”
“Is that really-oh, all right,” Sirius gave in with a sigh. With Mad-Eye, it was usually easier to just give in. He thought for a moment, looking faintly amused by the situation, and then suddenly grinned when he thought of a good question. “OK, Remus, beginning of seventh year, what book did Lily give you?”
“How do you expect me to-oh-” The bemused expression on Remus’s face was replaced by comprehension. “The Charioteer.”
“That’s the one,” Sirius said. He reached under Moody’s out-stretched arm and grabbed Remus by the sleeve to pull him further into the house.
“Lunch is ready!” Molly called up the stairs.
“Perfect timing, Moony,” Sirius noted as they followed the children down the stairs. The sounds of feet running down the stairs indicated that Fred and George weren’t far behind.
Sirius chose to sit on the bench between Remus and Hermione, so Moody claimed the vacant seat at head of the table. “Next time you want to make sure that’s really Lupin, don’t ask him about something that happened at school,” Moody growled at Sirius. "Pettigrew probably could have answered that book question.”
“No, I doubt he’d remember the title, if he ever knew the title,” Remus said.
“Not quite as memorable for him,” Sirius agreed with a smile.
“It was a memorable event for James,” Remus said, and Sirius laughed.
“Why?” Ron asked. He and Hermione smiled at each other. This promised to be an interesting story to share with Harry once he arrived at the house next week.
“Well, you’ve got to understand that James was always a bit jealous of Remus and Lily,” Sirius said.
“Sirius,” Remus said in a warning tone of voice as the teenagers exchanged surprised glances.
“He was,” Sirius said. “All through fifth and sixth year, Lily hated James. Despised him. Despised me too, but unlike James, I didn’t care. But she was friends with Remus. Must have been all those cosy little Prefects’ meetings,” he said as he nudged Remus with his elbow.”
“It couldn’t have been because I wasn’t constantly getting in trouble,” Remus said sarcastically.
Sirius ignored him. “James was a nervous wreck every time they had a Prefects’ meeting. He was convinced that Remus would come back to the dormitory and announce that he and Lily were dating.”
Remus smiled fondly. “James had an uncanny knack for ‘happening to pass by’ when the meetings were letting out so he could walk with Lily and I back to Gryffindor Tower.”
“Then seventh year arrived, and with it, the shocking news that James was actually Head Boy. He thought the badge was a prank at first, but once the idea sank in, all James could think about was this might finally impress Lily. Then we got to the Hogwarts Express, and it seemed James was too late.”
* * * * *
Sirius paused mid-sentence in his conversation with Peter, and smiled at James as he re-entered their compartment. “Well, how did it go? Did Evans turn into a worshipful pile of goo at the feet of His Majesty, the Head Boy?”
James glared half-heartedly and flopped into the seat opposite him. “She said a few nice things.”
“Nice? That’s all we’re going to get? The last time she said something even remotely ‘nice’ to you, you re-enacted the entire conversation until we knew it by heart,” Sirius said.
“Yeah, over and over again,” Peter agreed.
James didn’t bother to respond. He merely crossed his arms and glared in the general direction of Sirius’s feet. Apparently, things had not gone as well as James had hoped. Sirius decided a subject change was in order. “Where’s Remus?”
“Lily wanted to talk to him alone after the meeting,” James said darkly.
“Oh,” Peter said in sudden understanding. “So, what were you saying about your new flat, Sirius?”
Sirius resumed his story about his neighbour, but kept the tail of his eye on the compartment door for Remus’s return. He didn’t have to wait long. Remus came in with a nervous smile and small paper bag tucked under his arm. Sirius continued the story, even if no one was really listening, while he watched Remus step over James’s outstretched legs to get to his seat by the window. Remus grabbed his rucksack off the overhead rack before sitting down and opened it to put the paper bag inside.
“What’s that?” James asked, interrupting Sirius’s story-not that Sirius remembered where the story had been going.
“This? Just a book,” Remus said as he shoved it deep inside the rucksack and buckled it shut again.
“Lily give it to you?” James asked. “I saw her holding that bag.”
Remus nodded. “She found it in a used bookstore and thought I’d like it; it’s nothing important.” Remus suddenly smiled. “Did James tell you how furious Snape was when he saw the Head Boy badge?”
* * * * *
“The book that was ‘nothing important’ soon developed into something very important,” Sirius continued. “Remus and Lily started disappearing for cosy little tête-à-têtes-”
“We did not.”
“And when we asked where they’d been, Remus would blush five shades of crimson and say that he and Lily had been discussing the book she’d given him.”
* * * * *
“All right, let me read the book then,” James said as he stuck out his hand.
“What?” Remus blinked in surprise and looked around at Sirius and Peter as if they might rescue him.
“The book,” James said again. “If Lily likes this book so much, I want to read it too. Unless,” his voice suddenly became hard, “there’s a reason my dear friend Remus doesn’t want me to tag along with him when he’s ‘discussing the book’ with Lily.”
“You wouldn’t like it,” Remus said quickly.
“I’ll read it anyway.”
“I’m not sure where it is; I’ll have to look for it later,” Remus retreated to his bed where he put his full rucksack into his trunk and then spelled the trunk shut-something he did not usually do.
“Right. You do that,” James said in a low and angry voice.
“What’s the title?” Peter asked. “Maybe they have a copy in the school library.”
“It’s a Muggle book,” Remus said, “so I sincerely doubt it.”
“If you’re dating her, Moony, just come out and say so,” James said as he headed out the door and down the stairs to go to dinner.
“I’m not,” Remus called after him. He looked helplessly at Sirius and Peter. “We were just talking.”
* * * * *
“Of course, it all turned out to be James’s paranoid imagination,” Sirius said. “Remus really wasn’t dating Lily, they really had been discussing the book, and soon after, she started dating James.”
“Anticlimactic ending to your story,” Moody noted.
“An appropriate ending to the story,” Remus said as he glanced sideways at Sirius with a slight smile.
* * * * *
Some things were far more important than girls, and the full moon had found Prongs running through the moonlit forest with Moony and the rest of their unusual pack. But with moonset and a return to their human forms, grudges and jealousy reasserted themselves. When Sirius had announced that he was going to visit Remus in the hospital wing after classes, James had neither offered to go with him nor offered his class notes for Remus to copy. Peter had shrugged and trotted off at James’s heels, so Sirius went alone; it wasn’t the first time.
Madam Pomfrey, who seemed to be taking inventory of the potions’ cabinet when Sirius entered, glanced in Remus’s direction, put a finger to her lips, and returned to her work. She’d learned to expect Sirius’s visits on these days and didn’t object to his presence as long as he allowed Remus to rest.
A chair was beside Remus’s bed, and Sirius silently levitated another into position so he could sit with his feet up while he did homework and waited for Remus to wake up. He was about to open his book bag when an object on the table beside the bed caught his eye. A paperback book with dog-eared pages and a plain parchment cover lay underneath an empty goblet. Sirius had only glimpsed the book from Lily once before, but he recognized it instantly. He’d kidded Remus about covering the book with the piece of parchment. “Why are you hiding the cover, Moony? What’d she give you, the Kama Sutra?”
“I’m not hiding anything,” Remus had said even as he whisked the book out of sight again. “It’s an old book, and it’s fragile, that’s all. Besides, books have a tendency to get ruined around you: spilled inks, spilled potions, explosions.”
Sirius hadn’t believed him. Remus’s lying abilities had improved over the years, but they weren’t perfect. There’d been just a bit too much strain in his voice when he’d said he wasn’t hiding anything, and even if there hadn’t been, he’d whisked the book out of sight too quickly.
Here was Sirius’s opportunity to find out what Remus was hiding. After making certain that Remus was still deeply asleep, Sirius carefully lifted the goblet, slipped the book free, and replaced the goblet silently. A quick glance at the pages revealed that it was a novel; he’d been half-afraid it was a book of love poetry, or worse, a book of erotic art as he had teased Remus.
Of course, that didn’t mean it wasn’t a love story-or even an erotic one. Some of the Muggle romance novels that the older Gryffindor girls read were very explicit compared to wizard literature.
Sirius opened to Chapter One and began to read. “It was the first time he had ever heard the clock strike ten at night.”
Any fears that Sirius may have had that Lily had given Remus this book as a romantic come-on were wiped away almost instantly. The book, which probably would not have held his interest in normal circumstances, was a story about a five-year-old boy whose parents are separating. Remus’s parents had divorced when he was about that age, and Remus, like young Laurie in the book, had stayed with his mother and never seen his father again. By the time he’d reached the end of the first chapter, Sirius was certain that he understood why Lily had given Remus this particular book. She’d recognized a similarity between her friend and this character and wanted to share the novel with him for this reason.
Of course, that didn’t mean the impetus behind the gift hadn’t been romantic. The very idea that she’d been thinking about him over the summer and thought to buy this for him was pretty romantic. Sirius had purchased spur of the moment gifts for his friends in the past, but that was different than a girl buying a gift for a boy or a boy buying a gift for a girl.
When he reached the second chapter, he became even more certain that Lily had seen Remus and Laurie as kindred spirits. In Chapter Two, Laurie was sixteen years old and attending boarding school. “‘Prefect’ is written all over him,” Sirius thought with a smile. Even though the story had begun to improve when it reached the boarding school, Sirius almost closed the book at this point-mystery solved; he knew why Lily had selected this book for Remus. Sirius only kept reading because he was curious about what would happen when Laurie was summoned to the study of the about-to-be-expelled Head Boy.
Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that Laurie would realise that he fancied the Head Boy. Sirius looked over at Remus in surprise. If Lily saw Remus as the main character of this book, Lily thought Remus was gay. “I guess James can relax; she does not see Remus as a potential boyfriend,” Sirius thought. “And if she’s right, Remus wouldn’t consider dating her either.”
Sirius didn’t actually think Remus was gay. He had seen gay men on his recent forays onto the streets of Muggle London; they tended to be effeminate or overly-macho as if compensating. And Sirius personally knew at least one gay man, an acquaintance of his father’s. Whenever he had come over to the house, he had never failed to watch Sirius and Regulus in a way that made Sirius very uncomfortable. Remus never made Sirius feel uncomfortable; being around Remus was exactly the opposite.
No, either Lily had given Remus this book in spite of the main character being gay, or she had guessed wrong about Remus. Sirius could guess why she had come to this erroneous conclusion. Remus never dated anyone, and he was secretive. Both were due to his being a werewolf, but since Lily didn’t know that, she had formed her own explanation.
Remus started to roll over but grimaced in pain. He was waking up, and Sirius didn’t think he could get the book back under the goblet quickly enough to avoid getting caught. He silently placed the book on the table beside the goblet and hoped that Remus wouldn’t remember exactly where he’d left it.
“Hi there, Moony,” Sirius said as Remus’s eyes opened. “How are you feeling?”
“Not too bad. Pomfrey said I have a few broken ribs, and my left hand is a mess.”
“Sorry about that. You were already chewing on it when I arrived, and then you snagged it between some tree roots.”
“Help me sit up, will you?” As Sirius helped him sit up and propped a few pillows behind him, Remus said, “She didn’t mention my looking like a pincushion, so I take it Prongs didn’t skewer me on those antlers of his.”
“No more than necessary to keep you away from the village.”
“He’s been so angry at me lately-”
“He still wouldn’t do that.”
“Love makes people do stupid things,” Remus said as he poured a small dose of pink pain relief potion from a ruby-coloured bottle into the goblet. After he gulped it down in one swallow, Sirius refilled the goblet from the water pitcher. Remus took a sip to wash down the taste of the potion, and Sirius saw him glance from the book to Sirius. “I’m really not dating Lily you know.”
“I know.”
“She’s just easy to talk to,” Remus said as he stared down into the goblet.
“I could be easy to talk to.”
Remus gave him sidelong glance, his mouth quirked into half-smile.
“I could,” Sirius said defensively. “Tell me about this book she gave you. What’s it about?”
Remus glanced at the book again as if making sure it was still there. “Um-some soldiers and sailors during World War II.”
Sirius hadn’t gotten that far into the book. He couldn’t resist a chance to make Remus squirm just a bit. He reached for the book as he said, “I'd like to learn more about Muggle history. Maybe I should read it.”
“You really wouldn’t get much history out of it,” Remus said quickly. “Just a bit about Dunkirk and a bit about the Battle of Britain. A history textbook would help you more.”
“Is there a love story in it?” Sirius asked as he flipped through the book. He didn’t try to read it; he kept watching Remus instead. At Remus’s startled look, he realized he hadn’t been subtle enough. “Well, girls like love stories, and Lily likes the book, so I thought-”
Remus, who seemed to be nibbling on the inside of his lip, nodded. “A love triangle, actually. The main character falls in love with two people and then has to choose between them.”
Sirius wondered if Laurie had to choose between a man and a woman. “Who are the people he chooses between?”
“Um-someone he meets in hospital-he was wounded in battle-and an old friend.”
Sirius supposed that meant a nurse and the Head Boy. “Who does he chose?”
“Spoil the story if I told you that,” Remus said with a slight smile.
“I’ll take that as an invitation to read the book,” Sirius said as he tucked the book into his book bag. Remus moved as if to stop him, but halted in mid-reach. “Any reason I shouldn’t read it?” Sirius asked.
Remus shook his head; he seemed decidedly paler than he had just moments ago. “But you have to promise that once you start, you’ll read all the way to the end-unless you get bored of it in the first chapter, you can stop there, that’s all right-but if you get through the second chapter, you have to read all of it and give it a fair chance.”
“All right. Do you want to go over what we did in Transfiguration today, or are you too tired?
* * * * *
“So why was Remus blushing whenever you asked him what he was doing with Lily?” Fred asked.
“Good question,” Sirius said as he turned in his seat and regarded Remus. “Maybe something was going on.”
“Sirius,” Remus scolded him with a scowl, “you know nothing was going on.”
“I know,” Sirius said with a laugh and turned back to the table. “He was just embarrassed about the book. Lots of steamy sex, you see.”
“Would anyone like more potatoes?” Molly said suddenly and just a touch too loudly.
“There is not,” Remus said at the same moment. “It’s a love story; the sex in the story is merely alluded to, not described.”
“Have to be able to read between the lines, right?” Sirius asked as he looked at Remus with a smile.
* * * * *
When Sirius returned to the common room, he spotted James and Peter at their usual place near one of the windows. They had books open before him, but James seemed far more interested in watching Lily and her friends at a table in the centre of the room.
“Your eyes will get dusty unless you blink once in a while,” Sirius said as sat opposite James-almost opposite. He knew better than to block James’s view.
“I was just wondering how soon until she decides to go visit Remus in the hospital wing,” James said bitterly.
“They aren’t dating,” Sirius stated. “In fact,” he began to smile and lowered his voice to a whisper, “I think Lily thinks that Remus is gay.”
“Is he?” James asked in surprise.
“Of course not,” Sirius said immediately. “Does he seems like a flaming poof to you?”
“No, but-”
“He never dates any girls,” Peter said thoughtfully.
“He never dates any boys either,” Sirius said angrily. “He doesn’t want to get involved with anyone because he’s afraid they’ll figure out-you know.”
“Good point,” James agreed. “But you’ve got to admit that not everyone who’s homosexual is obvious. My cousin Margaret isn’t.”
“Margaret?” Sirius asked in surprise. He’d only met her once, at a Potter family wedding during the summer he’d lived with the Potters. He’d liked her. She was about fifteen years older than James, but she’d had a long conversation with the two teenagers on a variety of topics.
James laughed. “Yes. Why do you think she and Bridget live together?”
Sirius had no answer for that. James was right that Margaret and Bridget weren’t obvious, but he supposed that was because they were women. Margaret had been a bit more Quidditch mad than most girls he knew, but Sirius had just assumed that was a Potter family trait. James’s mum was pretty Quidditch mad herself.
“Why do you think that Lily thinks he’s-like that?” Peter asked. “Did she say something?”
“No, it’s that book she gave him. The main character reminds me of Remus in the first two chapters, so I started thinking that’s why she gave it to him. Then in Chapter Two, he realizes he fancies another boy in his school.”
“You read the book?” James asked, astonished. “He wouldn’t let me read it.”
“I nicked it while he was asleep. You can have it when I’m done.”
“Good man.”
The following day was one of those warm, sunny days of late September that inevitably tempted Sirius outside to enjoy the last of the sun before the wet and cold of Scottish winter set in. He took advantage of a free period after lunch to settle under a favourite tree near the shore of the lake and continue reading the book. He had got most of the way through while reading in bed the night before and now wanted to finish. It was no longer his promise to Remus that kept him reading; he wanted to know if Laurie would chose Ralph or Andrew.
At the sound of someone approaching along the pebbled edge of the lake, Sirius looked up reluctantly; it was never wise to be caught off-guard. He was surprised to see Lily walking alone, and even more surprised when she gave him a slight smile.
“Where’s the rest of your little gang?” she asked as she detoured closer.
“James said he was probably going to visit Remus in the hospital wing.” Sirius wasn’t sure if Peter was going as well; he hadn’t thought to ask. It had seemed more important that James was making a peace overture.
“He’s sick? I thought maybe he went home again,” Lily said as she settled herself on the grass beside Sirius.
“No, but it’s nothing serious. Pomfrey said she’ll probably let him out this afternoon.” Sirius suddenly grinned. “Why don’t you tutor him on the Charms lesson he missed this morning and drive James nuts.”
Lily grinned back and then gestured to the book held loosely in Sirius’s left hand. “Is that the book I gave Remus?”
“Yeah, nicked it. He was a bit reluctant to let me read it. Any idea why?” Sirius asked with a slight smile and a raised brow.
“How far are you?”
He noticed that she’d answered his question with one of her own. “Almost done.”
“What do you think of Laurie and Ralph?”
“They’re not what I expected,” Sirius admitted. “I like them.”
“You expected all gay men to be like the men at Alec’s party in Chapter Six,” she observed shrewdly. Sirius found himself thinking that it wasn’t only in classes that Lily was clever.
“I suppose so,” he admitted.
Lily began to giggle. “They may be horrible stereotypes, but I still find that chapter hilarious. They’re so catty.”
Sirius grinned back. “And the way she writes them, you can hear it. ‘Ralph, my dear, what are you doing with him? Not up to your usual standard at all.’ Some of the blokes I’ve seen in London would fit right in with that crowd.”
“Yes, well, they are out there, but the Ralphs and Lauries of the world are out there too. They’re just a bit less obvious.”
“I think I’m starting to realize that,” Sirius said as he looked past the lake to the hospital wing of the castle.
“Good,” Lily said emphatically as she rose to her feet and brushed off her robe. “Then I’m glad you’re reading the book. Maybe you should pass it along to Potter when you’re done.”
“He’s already asked for it.”
“Really?” Lily looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled as she turned to walk back toward the castle.
* * * * *
“Some of us just read between the lines slower than others,” Remus said as he smiled back.
* * * * *
Madam Pomfrey hadn’t released Remus in time to attend that afternoon’s Herbology lesson-Sirius guessed that she didn’t want to risk Remus’s partially-healed hand becoming dirty and infected while working with the plants-but she did release him in time to join the others in the Great Hall for supper. He took his usual place across from Peter and beside Sirius, but slightly farther away from Sirius than usual. Sirius only noticed when he realized that they weren’t bumping elbows as often as they normally did. He was also being rather quiet, even for Remus. It was time to cheer him up-and tease James in the bargain.
“I’m afraid I have bad news for you, Remus,” Sirius suddenly said in the midst of James’s monologue on the Harpies chances against the Wasps in that weekend’s upcoming Quidditch match. Remus straightened his back and then looked up with a rather serious expression. Sirius smiled to put him at ease and said, “It seems Evans has dumped you in favour of someone more worthy. She had a very cosy little chat with someone down by the lake today.”
“Who?” James demanded, and Sirius shifted his attention accordingly.
“Me. All these years I thought she hated me, but it seems that was just because I was hanging around with you. I sat by myself today, and she came right over and sat down beside me.”
James frowned and flicked a pea at him. “Ha ha. Not even close to convincing.”
Sirius leaned forward and shouted down the table, “Hey, Lily, tell James here who you sat with by the lake today.”
Lily smiled. “You, of course.” She turned back to her friends with a toss of her deep red hair and a chorus of laughter erupted from the seventh year girls.
Smirking triumphantly, Sirius looked back at James. James had the horrified look of one who’s learned his world is about to come to an end. He seemed to be trying to speak, but no sound came out.
“Close your mouth, Jamie boy. You look like a fish,” Sirius said. He glanced over at Remus to see if he was enjoying the James-torture, but Remus merely looked puzzled. Sirius sighed; it was no fun torturing James alone. “Relax, James. She saw that I was reading that book she gave Remus, and she wanted to ask me if I liked it. Who knows, she might even speak to you if she sees you reading it.”
James stuck out his hand. “Hand it over, now.”
“I’m not done yet.”
“I don’t care.”
“It’s in the dormitory,” Sirius lied.
With just a little encouragement from Peter, James soon returned to his lecture on the merits of the Harpies’ chasers. Sirius glanced over at Remus periodically, but every time he tried to catch Remus’s eye, Remus quickly looked away. Sirius realized belatedly that Remus was nervous about Sirius’s reaction to reading the book and wondering what Sirius had guessed due to reading it-if there really was anything to guess.
By the time they headed upstairs to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius knew that he and Remus were overdue for a talk in private. Although Sirius still hadn’t finished the book, he decided sacrificing it was worth getting James out of the dormitory.
“Here, James, catch,” Sirius said as he tossed Remus’s copy of The Charioteer to James. “Read it down in the Common Room so Lily sees you reading it.”
“Thanks!” James grinned and dashed back down the spiral staircase. Peter hesitated uncertainly, trying to decide whether or not to follow.
“Why don’t you go too, Peter,” Sirius encouraged. “If she doesn’t talk to him, he’ll need someone to cheer him up.”
With both of them safely out of the way, Sirius closed the door behind them and turned to see Remus sitting very still on the edge of his bed, his hands clutching the edge of the mattress on either side of him. He had been staring down at the floor but raised his head to look at Sirius a few moments after the door closed. His eyes seemed wary, but otherwise his expression gave nothing away.
“I hope you don’t mind my giving the book to James,” Sirius said as he sat cross-legged at the foot of Remus’s bed. “His cousin Margaret lives with another woman, so there’s nothing in there that’ll shock James.”
“Did-” Remus paused and cleared his throat. “Did it shock you?”
“Surprised me,” Sirius admitted. “The main characters were a bit of a surprise to me. So normal, you know?” Remus nodded but looked down again. “Someone like Ralph or Laurie, I wouldn’t mind being friends with.” When Remus continued to stare at the floor, Sirius decided to be even more blunt. “Nor would I mind finding out that a friend of mine was like Laurie or Ralph.”
“Well this all feels vaguely familiar,” Remus said as he raised his chin and looked over at Sirius at last. “At least this time you didn’t all gang up on me, three to one, to say, ‘We know.’”
“Just please tell me you’re not such a duplicate of Laurie that you fancy our idiot Head Boy,” Sirius said, “because it’s a hopeless case if you do.”
Remus laughed. “God, no. James wasn’t even Head Boy yet when Lily bought the book.”
“Morris?” Sirius stared in surprise as he named the previous year’s Head Boy. “He was fat and spotty.”
“He wasn’t fat, and no, not Morris.” Remus smiled slightly. “I did have a thing for one of the seventh year Prefects two years ago,” he admitted. “Lily says I had a hard time keeping my eyes off him in the Prefects’ meetings.”
“Who?”
“Declan Baddock,” Remus admitted and immediately leaned away from Sirius flinching.
“BADDOCK? A Slytherin prefect?” Sirius swatted the back of Remus’s head. “Morris would have been better.”
“He was good-looking,” Remus said laughing. “Other than that, I didn’t particularly like him, but he was very good-looking.”
“I’ll grant you that,” Sirius said as he began to laugh too. “But-” He swatted Remus one more time for good measure. “OK, that was two years ago. Who do you fancy now?”
Remus shrugged vaguely. “No one.”
“Liar. You aren’t even a good liar. Have I taught you nothing in the last seven years?”
“I’m not going to tell you, so don’t bother asking,” but he turned to face Sirius, and Sirius took that as permission to continue the conversation.
“You have to tell me, Moony. How else can I prove I’m a good friend and help you pull whoever it is?”
“He’s straight. It’s purely ‘look but don’t touch’. And, he just might kill me if he knew about the ‘look’ part,” Remus added with an embarrassed smile
“C’mon, tell me,” Sirius urged with a grin. He shifted forward onto his hands and knees. “Don’t make me tickle it out of you.” The words were already out of his mouth before Sirius realized that actually carrying out his threat might seem awkward now. He grinned even wider to cover his embarrassment.
“No!” Remus said emphatically as he tried to back away. “You’re the last person I’d tell.” Remus’s amused smile disappeared as he realized what he’d just said. If Sirius needed a reminder that his betrayal of Remus’s other secret was forgiven but not forgotten, this was it. He no longer deserved to be privy to Remus’s secrets.
“You’re right,” Sirius said as sat back on his heels. “Me and my big mouth.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Remus said helplessly.
“It’s OK, really. I wouldn’t tell me either.” Sirius got off the bed and went to look out the window. He could see the Whomping Willow swaying slightly in the breeze. “Lily was a better person to tell, I guess.”
“She figured it out herself-watching me watching Declan.”
“I think the scene in the Head Boy’s study is my favourite part of the book.”
“It’s one of my favourites too.”
“Laurie’s epiphany-when he finds out that someone he respects and admires is gay, he rethinks what being gay means. I’ve been feeling a bit that way myself the last couple of days.” He looked at Remus then and saw that Remus was smiling.
“Thank you, Padfoot. I think I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“You should; it was meant as one.”
-Written August 2005
Better?
Title: A Gift of Understanding
Author: mysid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The book they discuss, The Charioteer, was written by Mary Renault.
Summary: By reading a book that Lily has given to Remus, Sirius gains a new insight into his friend. The story is set in the summer before Harry's fifth year, and in the September of Remus's seventh year.
A Gift of Understanding
“Don’t leave yet, Mad-Eye,” Sirius urged. “Lunch is almost ready, and Molly always makes enough to feed an army.”
“An army of Weasleys is what you’ve got. You don’t need me eating you out of house and home too.”
“C’mon Mad-Eye, help balance out the adult to child ratio,” Sirius said with a wink at Ron and Hermione who were just coming down the stairs. At the first click of the front door latch, Moody drew his wand and whirled to face the door.
“Only me,” Remus said with a smile as he came in, completely unfazed by the menacing greeting he’d received.
“Didn’t expect you back until tomorrow,” Sirius said, sounding very pleased by Remus’s early return.
“Oh no?” Moody, on the other hand, did not approve of surprises. He kept his wand pointed at Remus. “Black, ask him something only Lupin’d know.”
“Is that really-oh, all right,” Sirius gave in with a sigh. With Mad-Eye, it was usually easier to just give in. He thought for a moment, looking faintly amused by the situation, and then suddenly grinned when he thought of a good question. “OK, Remus, beginning of seventh year, what book did Lily give you?”
“How do you expect me to-oh-” The bemused expression on Remus’s face was replaced by comprehension. “The Charioteer.”
“That’s the one,” Sirius said. He reached under Moody’s out-stretched arm and grabbed Remus by the sleeve to pull him further into the house.
“Lunch is ready!” Molly called up the stairs.
“Perfect timing, Moony,” Sirius noted as they followed the children down the stairs. The sounds of feet running down the stairs indicated that Fred and George weren’t far behind.
Sirius chose to sit on the bench between Remus and Hermione, so Moody claimed the vacant seat at head of the table. “Next time you want to make sure that’s really Lupin, don’t ask him about something that happened at school,” Moody growled at Sirius. "Pettigrew probably could have answered that book question.”
“No, I doubt he’d remember the title, if he ever knew the title,” Remus said.
“Not quite as memorable for him,” Sirius agreed with a smile.
“It was a memorable event for James,” Remus said, and Sirius laughed.
“Why?” Ron asked. He and Hermione smiled at each other. This promised to be an interesting story to share with Harry once he arrived at the house next week.
“Well, you’ve got to understand that James was always a bit jealous of Remus and Lily,” Sirius said.
“Sirius,” Remus said in a warning tone of voice as the teenagers exchanged surprised glances.
“He was,” Sirius said. “All through fifth and sixth year, Lily hated James. Despised him. Despised me too, but unlike James, I didn’t care. But she was friends with Remus. Must have been all those cosy little Prefects’ meetings,” he said as he nudged Remus with his elbow.”
“It couldn’t have been because I wasn’t constantly getting in trouble,” Remus said sarcastically.
Sirius ignored him. “James was a nervous wreck every time they had a Prefects’ meeting. He was convinced that Remus would come back to the dormitory and announce that he and Lily were dating.”
Remus smiled fondly. “James had an uncanny knack for ‘happening to pass by’ when the meetings were letting out so he could walk with Lily and I back to Gryffindor Tower.”
“Then seventh year arrived, and with it, the shocking news that James was actually Head Boy. He thought the badge was a prank at first, but once the idea sank in, all James could think about was this might finally impress Lily. Then we got to the Hogwarts Express, and it seemed James was too late.”
* * * * *
Sirius paused mid-sentence in his conversation with Peter, and smiled at James as he re-entered their compartment. “Well, how did it go? Did Evans turn into a worshipful pile of goo at the feet of His Majesty, the Head Boy?”
James glared half-heartedly and flopped into the seat opposite him. “She said a few nice things.”
“Nice? That’s all we’re going to get? The last time she said something even remotely ‘nice’ to you, you re-enacted the entire conversation until we knew it by heart,” Sirius said.
“Yeah, over and over again,” Peter agreed.
James didn’t bother to respond. He merely crossed his arms and glared in the general direction of Sirius’s feet. Apparently, things had not gone as well as James had hoped. Sirius decided a subject change was in order. “Where’s Remus?”
“Lily wanted to talk to him alone after the meeting,” James said darkly.
“Oh,” Peter said in sudden understanding. “So, what were you saying about your new flat, Sirius?”
Sirius resumed his story about his neighbour, but kept the tail of his eye on the compartment door for Remus’s return. He didn’t have to wait long. Remus came in with a nervous smile and small paper bag tucked under his arm. Sirius continued the story, even if no one was really listening, while he watched Remus step over James’s outstretched legs to get to his seat by the window. Remus grabbed his rucksack off the overhead rack before sitting down and opened it to put the paper bag inside.
“What’s that?” James asked, interrupting Sirius’s story-not that Sirius remembered where the story had been going.
“This? Just a book,” Remus said as he shoved it deep inside the rucksack and buckled it shut again.
“Lily give it to you?” James asked. “I saw her holding that bag.”
Remus nodded. “She found it in a used bookstore and thought I’d like it; it’s nothing important.” Remus suddenly smiled. “Did James tell you how furious Snape was when he saw the Head Boy badge?”
* * * * *
“The book that was ‘nothing important’ soon developed into something very important,” Sirius continued. “Remus and Lily started disappearing for cosy little tête-à-têtes-”
“We did not.”
“And when we asked where they’d been, Remus would blush five shades of crimson and say that he and Lily had been discussing the book she’d given him.”
* * * * *
“All right, let me read the book then,” James said as he stuck out his hand.
“What?” Remus blinked in surprise and looked around at Sirius and Peter as if they might rescue him.
“The book,” James said again. “If Lily likes this book so much, I want to read it too. Unless,” his voice suddenly became hard, “there’s a reason my dear friend Remus doesn’t want me to tag along with him when he’s ‘discussing the book’ with Lily.”
“You wouldn’t like it,” Remus said quickly.
“I’ll read it anyway.”
“I’m not sure where it is; I’ll have to look for it later,” Remus retreated to his bed where he put his full rucksack into his trunk and then spelled the trunk shut-something he did not usually do.
“Right. You do that,” James said in a low and angry voice.
“What’s the title?” Peter asked. “Maybe they have a copy in the school library.”
“It’s a Muggle book,” Remus said, “so I sincerely doubt it.”
“If you’re dating her, Moony, just come out and say so,” James said as he headed out the door and down the stairs to go to dinner.
“I’m not,” Remus called after him. He looked helplessly at Sirius and Peter. “We were just talking.”
* * * * *
“Of course, it all turned out to be James’s paranoid imagination,” Sirius said. “Remus really wasn’t dating Lily, they really had been discussing the book, and soon after, she started dating James.”
“Anticlimactic ending to your story,” Moody noted.
“An appropriate ending to the story,” Remus said as he glanced sideways at Sirius with a slight smile.
* * * * *
Some things were far more important than girls, and the full moon had found Prongs running through the moonlit forest with Moony and the rest of their unusual pack. But with moonset and a return to their human forms, grudges and jealousy reasserted themselves. When Sirius had announced that he was going to visit Remus in the hospital wing after classes, James had neither offered to go with him nor offered his class notes for Remus to copy. Peter had shrugged and trotted off at James’s heels, so Sirius went alone; it wasn’t the first time.
Madam Pomfrey, who seemed to be taking inventory of the potions’ cabinet when Sirius entered, glanced in Remus’s direction, put a finger to her lips, and returned to her work. She’d learned to expect Sirius’s visits on these days and didn’t object to his presence as long as he allowed Remus to rest.
A chair was beside Remus’s bed, and Sirius silently levitated another into position so he could sit with his feet up while he did homework and waited for Remus to wake up. He was about to open his book bag when an object on the table beside the bed caught his eye. A paperback book with dog-eared pages and a plain parchment cover lay underneath an empty goblet. Sirius had only glimpsed the book from Lily once before, but he recognized it instantly. He’d kidded Remus about covering the book with the piece of parchment. “Why are you hiding the cover, Moony? What’d she give you, the Kama Sutra?”
“I’m not hiding anything,” Remus had said even as he whisked the book out of sight again. “It’s an old book, and it’s fragile, that’s all. Besides, books have a tendency to get ruined around you: spilled inks, spilled potions, explosions.”
Sirius hadn’t believed him. Remus’s lying abilities had improved over the years, but they weren’t perfect. There’d been just a bit too much strain in his voice when he’d said he wasn’t hiding anything, and even if there hadn’t been, he’d whisked the book out of sight too quickly.
Here was Sirius’s opportunity to find out what Remus was hiding. After making certain that Remus was still deeply asleep, Sirius carefully lifted the goblet, slipped the book free, and replaced the goblet silently. A quick glance at the pages revealed that it was a novel; he’d been half-afraid it was a book of love poetry, or worse, a book of erotic art as he had teased Remus.
Of course, that didn’t mean it wasn’t a love story-or even an erotic one. Some of the Muggle romance novels that the older Gryffindor girls read were very explicit compared to wizard literature.
Sirius opened to Chapter One and began to read. “It was the first time he had ever heard the clock strike ten at night.”
Any fears that Sirius may have had that Lily had given Remus this book as a romantic come-on were wiped away almost instantly. The book, which probably would not have held his interest in normal circumstances, was a story about a five-year-old boy whose parents are separating. Remus’s parents had divorced when he was about that age, and Remus, like young Laurie in the book, had stayed with his mother and never seen his father again. By the time he’d reached the end of the first chapter, Sirius was certain that he understood why Lily had given Remus this particular book. She’d recognized a similarity between her friend and this character and wanted to share the novel with him for this reason.
Of course, that didn’t mean the impetus behind the gift hadn’t been romantic. The very idea that she’d been thinking about him over the summer and thought to buy this for him was pretty romantic. Sirius had purchased spur of the moment gifts for his friends in the past, but that was different than a girl buying a gift for a boy or a boy buying a gift for a girl.
When he reached the second chapter, he became even more certain that Lily had seen Remus and Laurie as kindred spirits. In Chapter Two, Laurie was sixteen years old and attending boarding school. “‘Prefect’ is written all over him,” Sirius thought with a smile. Even though the story had begun to improve when it reached the boarding school, Sirius almost closed the book at this point-mystery solved; he knew why Lily had selected this book for Remus. Sirius only kept reading because he was curious about what would happen when Laurie was summoned to the study of the about-to-be-expelled Head Boy.
Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that Laurie would realise that he fancied the Head Boy. Sirius looked over at Remus in surprise. If Lily saw Remus as the main character of this book, Lily thought Remus was gay. “I guess James can relax; she does not see Remus as a potential boyfriend,” Sirius thought. “And if she’s right, Remus wouldn’t consider dating her either.”
Sirius didn’t actually think Remus was gay. He had seen gay men on his recent forays onto the streets of Muggle London; they tended to be effeminate or overly-macho as if compensating. And Sirius personally knew at least one gay man, an acquaintance of his father’s. Whenever he had come over to the house, he had never failed to watch Sirius and Regulus in a way that made Sirius very uncomfortable. Remus never made Sirius feel uncomfortable; being around Remus was exactly the opposite.
No, either Lily had given Remus this book in spite of the main character being gay, or she had guessed wrong about Remus. Sirius could guess why she had come to this erroneous conclusion. Remus never dated anyone, and he was secretive. Both were due to his being a werewolf, but since Lily didn’t know that, she had formed her own explanation.
Remus started to roll over but grimaced in pain. He was waking up, and Sirius didn’t think he could get the book back under the goblet quickly enough to avoid getting caught. He silently placed the book on the table beside the goblet and hoped that Remus wouldn’t remember exactly where he’d left it.
“Hi there, Moony,” Sirius said as Remus’s eyes opened. “How are you feeling?”
“Not too bad. Pomfrey said I have a few broken ribs, and my left hand is a mess.”
“Sorry about that. You were already chewing on it when I arrived, and then you snagged it between some tree roots.”
“Help me sit up, will you?” As Sirius helped him sit up and propped a few pillows behind him, Remus said, “She didn’t mention my looking like a pincushion, so I take it Prongs didn’t skewer me on those antlers of his.”
“No more than necessary to keep you away from the village.”
“He’s been so angry at me lately-”
“He still wouldn’t do that.”
“Love makes people do stupid things,” Remus said as he poured a small dose of pink pain relief potion from a ruby-coloured bottle into the goblet. After he gulped it down in one swallow, Sirius refilled the goblet from the water pitcher. Remus took a sip to wash down the taste of the potion, and Sirius saw him glance from the book to Sirius. “I’m really not dating Lily you know.”
“I know.”
“She’s just easy to talk to,” Remus said as he stared down into the goblet.
“I could be easy to talk to.”
Remus gave him sidelong glance, his mouth quirked into half-smile.
“I could,” Sirius said defensively. “Tell me about this book she gave you. What’s it about?”
Remus glanced at the book again as if making sure it was still there. “Um-some soldiers and sailors during World War II.”
Sirius hadn’t gotten that far into the book. He couldn’t resist a chance to make Remus squirm just a bit. He reached for the book as he said, “I'd like to learn more about Muggle history. Maybe I should read it.”
“You really wouldn’t get much history out of it,” Remus said quickly. “Just a bit about Dunkirk and a bit about the Battle of Britain. A history textbook would help you more.”
“Is there a love story in it?” Sirius asked as he flipped through the book. He didn’t try to read it; he kept watching Remus instead. At Remus’s startled look, he realized he hadn’t been subtle enough. “Well, girls like love stories, and Lily likes the book, so I thought-”
Remus, who seemed to be nibbling on the inside of his lip, nodded. “A love triangle, actually. The main character falls in love with two people and then has to choose between them.”
Sirius wondered if Laurie had to choose between a man and a woman. “Who are the people he chooses between?”
“Um-someone he meets in hospital-he was wounded in battle-and an old friend.”
Sirius supposed that meant a nurse and the Head Boy. “Who does he chose?”
“Spoil the story if I told you that,” Remus said with a slight smile.
“I’ll take that as an invitation to read the book,” Sirius said as he tucked the book into his book bag. Remus moved as if to stop him, but halted in mid-reach. “Any reason I shouldn’t read it?” Sirius asked.
Remus shook his head; he seemed decidedly paler than he had just moments ago. “But you have to promise that once you start, you’ll read all the way to the end-unless you get bored of it in the first chapter, you can stop there, that’s all right-but if you get through the second chapter, you have to read all of it and give it a fair chance.”
“All right. Do you want to go over what we did in Transfiguration today, or are you too tired?
* * * * *
“So why was Remus blushing whenever you asked him what he was doing with Lily?” Fred asked.
“Good question,” Sirius said as he turned in his seat and regarded Remus. “Maybe something was going on.”
“Sirius,” Remus scolded him with a scowl, “you know nothing was going on.”
“I know,” Sirius said with a laugh and turned back to the table. “He was just embarrassed about the book. Lots of steamy sex, you see.”
“Would anyone like more potatoes?” Molly said suddenly and just a touch too loudly.
“There is not,” Remus said at the same moment. “It’s a love story; the sex in the story is merely alluded to, not described.”
“Have to be able to read between the lines, right?” Sirius asked as he looked at Remus with a smile.
* * * * *
When Sirius returned to the common room, he spotted James and Peter at their usual place near one of the windows. They had books open before him, but James seemed far more interested in watching Lily and her friends at a table in the centre of the room.
“Your eyes will get dusty unless you blink once in a while,” Sirius said as sat opposite James-almost opposite. He knew better than to block James’s view.
“I was just wondering how soon until she decides to go visit Remus in the hospital wing,” James said bitterly.
“They aren’t dating,” Sirius stated. “In fact,” he began to smile and lowered his voice to a whisper, “I think Lily thinks that Remus is gay.”
“Is he?” James asked in surprise.
“Of course not,” Sirius said immediately. “Does he seems like a flaming poof to you?”
“No, but-”
“He never dates any girls,” Peter said thoughtfully.
“He never dates any boys either,” Sirius said angrily. “He doesn’t want to get involved with anyone because he’s afraid they’ll figure out-you know.”
“Good point,” James agreed. “But you’ve got to admit that not everyone who’s homosexual is obvious. My cousin Margaret isn’t.”
“Margaret?” Sirius asked in surprise. He’d only met her once, at a Potter family wedding during the summer he’d lived with the Potters. He’d liked her. She was about fifteen years older than James, but she’d had a long conversation with the two teenagers on a variety of topics.
James laughed. “Yes. Why do you think she and Bridget live together?”
Sirius had no answer for that. James was right that Margaret and Bridget weren’t obvious, but he supposed that was because they were women. Margaret had been a bit more Quidditch mad than most girls he knew, but Sirius had just assumed that was a Potter family trait. James’s mum was pretty Quidditch mad herself.
“Why do you think that Lily thinks he’s-like that?” Peter asked. “Did she say something?”
“No, it’s that book she gave him. The main character reminds me of Remus in the first two chapters, so I started thinking that’s why she gave it to him. Then in Chapter Two, he realizes he fancies another boy in his school.”
“You read the book?” James asked, astonished. “He wouldn’t let me read it.”
“I nicked it while he was asleep. You can have it when I’m done.”
“Good man.”
The following day was one of those warm, sunny days of late September that inevitably tempted Sirius outside to enjoy the last of the sun before the wet and cold of Scottish winter set in. He took advantage of a free period after lunch to settle under a favourite tree near the shore of the lake and continue reading the book. He had got most of the way through while reading in bed the night before and now wanted to finish. It was no longer his promise to Remus that kept him reading; he wanted to know if Laurie would chose Ralph or Andrew.
At the sound of someone approaching along the pebbled edge of the lake, Sirius looked up reluctantly; it was never wise to be caught off-guard. He was surprised to see Lily walking alone, and even more surprised when she gave him a slight smile.
“Where’s the rest of your little gang?” she asked as she detoured closer.
“James said he was probably going to visit Remus in the hospital wing.” Sirius wasn’t sure if Peter was going as well; he hadn’t thought to ask. It had seemed more important that James was making a peace overture.
“He’s sick? I thought maybe he went home again,” Lily said as she settled herself on the grass beside Sirius.
“No, but it’s nothing serious. Pomfrey said she’ll probably let him out this afternoon.” Sirius suddenly grinned. “Why don’t you tutor him on the Charms lesson he missed this morning and drive James nuts.”
Lily grinned back and then gestured to the book held loosely in Sirius’s left hand. “Is that the book I gave Remus?”
“Yeah, nicked it. He was a bit reluctant to let me read it. Any idea why?” Sirius asked with a slight smile and a raised brow.
“How far are you?”
He noticed that she’d answered his question with one of her own. “Almost done.”
“What do you think of Laurie and Ralph?”
“They’re not what I expected,” Sirius admitted. “I like them.”
“You expected all gay men to be like the men at Alec’s party in Chapter Six,” she observed shrewdly. Sirius found himself thinking that it wasn’t only in classes that Lily was clever.
“I suppose so,” he admitted.
Lily began to giggle. “They may be horrible stereotypes, but I still find that chapter hilarious. They’re so catty.”
Sirius grinned back. “And the way she writes them, you can hear it. ‘Ralph, my dear, what are you doing with him? Not up to your usual standard at all.’ Some of the blokes I’ve seen in London would fit right in with that crowd.”
“Yes, well, they are out there, but the Ralphs and Lauries of the world are out there too. They’re just a bit less obvious.”
“I think I’m starting to realize that,” Sirius said as he looked past the lake to the hospital wing of the castle.
“Good,” Lily said emphatically as she rose to her feet and brushed off her robe. “Then I’m glad you’re reading the book. Maybe you should pass it along to Potter when you’re done.”
“He’s already asked for it.”
“Really?” Lily looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled as she turned to walk back toward the castle.
* * * * *
“Some of us just read between the lines slower than others,” Remus said as he smiled back.
* * * * *
Madam Pomfrey hadn’t released Remus in time to attend that afternoon’s Herbology lesson-Sirius guessed that she didn’t want to risk Remus’s partially-healed hand becoming dirty and infected while working with the plants-but she did release him in time to join the others in the Great Hall for supper. He took his usual place across from Peter and beside Sirius, but slightly farther away from Sirius than usual. Sirius only noticed when he realized that they weren’t bumping elbows as often as they normally did. He was also being rather quiet, even for Remus. It was time to cheer him up-and tease James in the bargain.
“I’m afraid I have bad news for you, Remus,” Sirius suddenly said in the midst of James’s monologue on the Harpies chances against the Wasps in that weekend’s upcoming Quidditch match. Remus straightened his back and then looked up with a rather serious expression. Sirius smiled to put him at ease and said, “It seems Evans has dumped you in favour of someone more worthy. She had a very cosy little chat with someone down by the lake today.”
“Who?” James demanded, and Sirius shifted his attention accordingly.
“Me. All these years I thought she hated me, but it seems that was just because I was hanging around with you. I sat by myself today, and she came right over and sat down beside me.”
James frowned and flicked a pea at him. “Ha ha. Not even close to convincing.”
Sirius leaned forward and shouted down the table, “Hey, Lily, tell James here who you sat with by the lake today.”
Lily smiled. “You, of course.” She turned back to her friends with a toss of her deep red hair and a chorus of laughter erupted from the seventh year girls.
Smirking triumphantly, Sirius looked back at James. James had the horrified look of one who’s learned his world is about to come to an end. He seemed to be trying to speak, but no sound came out.
“Close your mouth, Jamie boy. You look like a fish,” Sirius said. He glanced over at Remus to see if he was enjoying the James-torture, but Remus merely looked puzzled. Sirius sighed; it was no fun torturing James alone. “Relax, James. She saw that I was reading that book she gave Remus, and she wanted to ask me if I liked it. Who knows, she might even speak to you if she sees you reading it.”
James stuck out his hand. “Hand it over, now.”
“I’m not done yet.”
“I don’t care.”
“It’s in the dormitory,” Sirius lied.
With just a little encouragement from Peter, James soon returned to his lecture on the merits of the Harpies’ chasers. Sirius glanced over at Remus periodically, but every time he tried to catch Remus’s eye, Remus quickly looked away. Sirius realized belatedly that Remus was nervous about Sirius’s reaction to reading the book and wondering what Sirius had guessed due to reading it-if there really was anything to guess.
By the time they headed upstairs to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius knew that he and Remus were overdue for a talk in private. Although Sirius still hadn’t finished the book, he decided sacrificing it was worth getting James out of the dormitory.
“Here, James, catch,” Sirius said as he tossed Remus’s copy of The Charioteer to James. “Read it down in the Common Room so Lily sees you reading it.”
“Thanks!” James grinned and dashed back down the spiral staircase. Peter hesitated uncertainly, trying to decide whether or not to follow.
“Why don’t you go too, Peter,” Sirius encouraged. “If she doesn’t talk to him, he’ll need someone to cheer him up.”
With both of them safely out of the way, Sirius closed the door behind them and turned to see Remus sitting very still on the edge of his bed, his hands clutching the edge of the mattress on either side of him. He had been staring down at the floor but raised his head to look at Sirius a few moments after the door closed. His eyes seemed wary, but otherwise his expression gave nothing away.
“I hope you don’t mind my giving the book to James,” Sirius said as he sat cross-legged at the foot of Remus’s bed. “His cousin Margaret lives with another woman, so there’s nothing in there that’ll shock James.”
“Did-” Remus paused and cleared his throat. “Did it shock you?”
“Surprised me,” Sirius admitted. “The main characters were a bit of a surprise to me. So normal, you know?” Remus nodded but looked down again. “Someone like Ralph or Laurie, I wouldn’t mind being friends with.” When Remus continued to stare at the floor, Sirius decided to be even more blunt. “Nor would I mind finding out that a friend of mine was like Laurie or Ralph.”
“Well this all feels vaguely familiar,” Remus said as he raised his chin and looked over at Sirius at last. “At least this time you didn’t all gang up on me, three to one, to say, ‘We know.’”
“Just please tell me you’re not such a duplicate of Laurie that you fancy our idiot Head Boy,” Sirius said, “because it’s a hopeless case if you do.”
Remus laughed. “God, no. James wasn’t even Head Boy yet when Lily bought the book.”
“Morris?” Sirius stared in surprise as he named the previous year’s Head Boy. “He was fat and spotty.”
“He wasn’t fat, and no, not Morris.” Remus smiled slightly. “I did have a thing for one of the seventh year Prefects two years ago,” he admitted. “Lily says I had a hard time keeping my eyes off him in the Prefects’ meetings.”
“Who?”
“Declan Baddock,” Remus admitted and immediately leaned away from Sirius flinching.
“BADDOCK? A Slytherin prefect?” Sirius swatted the back of Remus’s head. “Morris would have been better.”
“He was good-looking,” Remus said laughing. “Other than that, I didn’t particularly like him, but he was very good-looking.”
“I’ll grant you that,” Sirius said as he began to laugh too. “But-” He swatted Remus one more time for good measure. “OK, that was two years ago. Who do you fancy now?”
Remus shrugged vaguely. “No one.”
“Liar. You aren’t even a good liar. Have I taught you nothing in the last seven years?”
“I’m not going to tell you, so don’t bother asking,” but he turned to face Sirius, and Sirius took that as permission to continue the conversation.
“You have to tell me, Moony. How else can I prove I’m a good friend and help you pull whoever it is?”
“He’s straight. It’s purely ‘look but don’t touch’. And, he just might kill me if he knew about the ‘look’ part,” Remus added with an embarrassed smile
“C’mon, tell me,” Sirius urged with a grin. He shifted forward onto his hands and knees. “Don’t make me tickle it out of you.” The words were already out of his mouth before Sirius realized that actually carrying out his threat might seem awkward now. He grinned even wider to cover his embarrassment.
“No!” Remus said emphatically as he tried to back away. “You’re the last person I’d tell.” Remus’s amused smile disappeared as he realized what he’d just said. If Sirius needed a reminder that his betrayal of Remus’s other secret was forgiven but not forgotten, this was it. He no longer deserved to be privy to Remus’s secrets.
“You’re right,” Sirius said as sat back on his heels. “Me and my big mouth.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Remus said helplessly.
“It’s OK, really. I wouldn’t tell me either.” Sirius got off the bed and went to look out the window. He could see the Whomping Willow swaying slightly in the breeze. “Lily was a better person to tell, I guess.”
“She figured it out herself-watching me watching Declan.”
“I think the scene in the Head Boy’s study is my favourite part of the book.”
“It’s one of my favourites too.”
“Laurie’s epiphany-when he finds out that someone he respects and admires is gay, he rethinks what being gay means. I’ve been feeling a bit that way myself the last couple of days.” He looked at Remus then and saw that Remus was smiling.
“Thank you, Padfoot. I think I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“You should; it was meant as one.”
-Written August 2005
Better?