Shit Luck
i am so fucking upset at yahoo. i just wrote this wonderful and perverted email to my WHOVP, and because my account was open too long it said i was logged off. and my wit has now gone unrewarded. fuck you yahoo. well i was probably going to relay most of it here anyway, but now this will probably become a little more personal [like yesterday's submission wasn't already]. so i finished confessions of a mask. i was relatively let down compare to the last two books that i have read: american psycho and requiem for a dream [which follow along with my planned reading for the summer (which i will discuss later)]. mishima did not go into enough detail on his fetishes of bondage and sado-masochism. he didn't bang anyone the whole book. twenty-two years of borderline [really confused] bisexuality and nothing to show for it. he did masturbate quite a bit, which he called indulging in his "bad habit" with his "toy". i believe the majority of the time doing that he was thinking about boys and stabbing boys in their ribcage [i wish could masturbate to images of torture]. i was interested in his sexual cleavage between flesh and soul. in his lustful delights he was fond of males, ephebes [ages 14-21], while he still considered having a female as a life partner, or soul mate or what ever. i enjoy this notion thoroughly. i don't know how to relate to it though. at first i thought that my sexuality was the antonym to mishima, but i can relate to still wanting a female life mate and to be lustful towards males. for myself this female figure is definitely a motherly figure. but at the same time i still have lustfull urges towards females and could see myself living with a male as my life partner. by life parrtner i guess i mean someone to coddle as opposed to fuck. anyway, the book ends with the narrator sitting down in a club with his former fiancee, whom has since been married, and hinting at a second chance. but as this is happening, he can not take his eyes off of this young dude with his shirt off, virtually ignoring his ladyfriend. i wish that he would have acted out his masochistic tendencies more, probably in order for me to relate to him more. it mostly consisted of emotion masochism, which i still dig. it just was not a phenominal read. if anyone reading this has suitable reading reccommendations including sexually confused, and/or masochistic, protagonists i would appreciate it. so i am on this kick right now of reading books that have been made into movies. mostly well known, big bugdet/release, movies. so far i have just read american psycho and requiem for a dream. i believe that i will read american psycho for a second time before WHOVP takes back that which is rightfully hers. after that i will continue obtaining books from my not-too-extensive list: the beach, high fidelity, fight club, rules of attraction, cruel intentions, the princess bride, wonderboys, heart of darkness, secretary, and LOTR. i will also read more of chuck palahniuk's work. i am very interested in additions to my list, so would the two person reading this please respond? during all of this i will also be reading the illuminati trilogy by r.a. wilson i believe. it has been recommended to me often recently. our friends who have been staying with us left this afternoon while i was asleep, but i was still awake when they woke up this morning, so i saw a little bit of them. they left me some left over french fries, which was my solitary meal for the day. right now i am having a snack of stale graham crackers and luke warm tea. i still appreciate it though. i had this really weird dream that i was an epelectic who suffered from seizures often and then kieffer sutherland, in his lost boys role, offered to transform me into a vampyre as a lesser evil to being an epelectic. the dream ended with me lying on the ground, convulsing, debating which was a lesser evil. i used to have dreams where vampyres would be turned off because i was too enthusiastic on being tansformed. and other times they were rather indifferent while i was enthusiastic. the last week or two i have been having reoccurring lewd daydreams accompanied by images of words. i don't masturbate currently, but these would be the occasions when i would. words like drool, cum, titties, mouth [that one is often], bound, gagging. it is usually accompanied with images of WHOVP bound with her hands behind her [with black (leather/vinyl?) straps] giving me a blowjob, accompanied with drool and gagging noises. other times it is her giving me a handjob talking dirty, with an ocacasional slap in the face. [does it get you hot or embarrased that someone else who knows you might be reading this?] very infrequently it is my roommmate, but it is definately not an option for she disdains oral sex and prefers dominant men [even though it is a dominant fantasy i am not dominant]. and every once in a while it is another girl close to WHOVP [and not the witch]. and that is definately not a possibility. i don't dwell on the images of other girls, and i usually end up with a stomach ache and a overriding guilty feeling. not that i can really control these daydream/fantasy/images. or i chose not to. for a while i have been attempting to analyze my particular fetish of cumshots/facials, whatever term best suits it. the obvious answer is that it is a subconscious/domination/territorial thing. and it kind of makes sense, although i don't like that answer. another possibility is that it is a selfish thing that i want more attention paid to my orgasm. this is a definite possibility. but the other [conditioned] option makes much sense. in my sexual heyday i was an internet porn junkie [www.searchvids.com]. i had a difficult time masturbating to scenes of fucking: it was too difficult to imagine myself in that situation with my [regularly dry] hand. so i started looking at cumshot and facial videos because it was much more realistic to imagine that the masturbator on the screen was me and that the receiver was interested in my cum. i guess due to the frequency of viewing it became conditioned as to what i wanted to do when i came. this makes much more sense than the other options, and is relatively more acceptable to me. goodness i love analyzing, and subsequently cheapening, my sexual urges. analyzation really just cheapens most of life's actions. so in the movie "secretary", maggie gyllenhaal has this scene where she is masturbating face down on her bed, humping her hand. is this really how girls masturbate? i mean i am now familiar with the whole bathtub thing, but i assumed they would regularly lie on their backs. how naive of me. you know what seasoning i can't get enough of: garlic salt. i apply it to everything. and you know what condiment i have just recently been exposed to: banana sauce. it's like a sweet and hot ketchup. and of course i love mustard. alright i am getting hungry and i am starting to feel like edward norton's character in fight club, sampling his refrigerator full of condiments. so, um...how do you get an american girl to suck your cock? put ranch dressing on it. ok so it's not that funny, but true none the less. i want to become familiar with the bands green river and mother love bomb. my friend amen recommended them to me. i guess early grunge bands. i want more green jelly too. i also need to find the bands lightning bolt, the advantage, flying luttenbachers, meshuggah, lard, and pigface. i guess the advantage is the guitarist from hella's side project which is dedicated to covering videogame soundtracks. pretty rocking so i have been told. so a new eleven track album from the cure is coming out this summer. exciting. i am relatively impressed with sonic youth's june release, nurse, as well as hella's january release, the devil isn't red. they have already put out six albums in only two years. rock on guys. they still have not written me back yet. and trent's new nin album is out this fall. i guess that it is all monochrmatic. i want to ask [adult swim] to allow me to be an affiliated representative for the northwest. i think it might work. a shit-ton of people watch family guy and futurama. and someone needs to inform them that the fourth season will be coming out this fall. except they are no longer accepting applications for it this year. i need to be on the ball. i wonder if i could get an outdoor outfitter to allow me to be a rep. it does rain a fuck-load during the fall and winter. anyway, so i have been restretching my ear piercings. currently they are up to the circumfrence a bic pen, which is approximately a zero gage. but i pull on them often and if i stretch them bigger i will have nothing to put in them in order to retain the size. i need proper jewelry. well adult swim is over. tonight's family guy was a picture is worth a thousand bucks, yesterday it was da boom. well, about time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail.