a copy of myspace entry
so i'm scowering (sp?) my room for anything that is/was john's or reminds me of john. i'm filling a big shoe box with stuff. it's overflowing. i cant fit everything in there. i was a bawling mess but now i feel a very little bit better. here's a letter i found from a long time ago...
Anna,
I've been thinking about you non-stop since yesterday. I kind of prepared myself for being dumped, I sensed it coming. At first I just figured that time will ease the pain, but I also realized that I love you. I remembered that you were my first true love and that I couldn't just let you turn your back on what we had. All I can think about is you and the notes that you used to write me from when I was in the shelter & when all of the doctor bullshit was going on you kept me going. You gave me a reason to live. I read that paper I wrote you over the summer and I was crying from the first line. I looked around my room and everything of you made me cry. I laid down in my bed last night and thought of the first time I made love to you. I remembered other times just laying with you after school and the way the sun shone through your hair. I remember driving past the dennisville wawa and breaking down crying one day b/c I realized how much I loved you. I remembered the afro-man hoodies and all the nights we spent together just talking. I also remember fighting & arguing, sometimes swearing that it would be the last. But it wouldn't be. There will always be disagreements, it doesn't mean that the love has been gone, it's part of love. It can't stay new forever, it never will. But just b/c it's not new doesn't mean it's not there.
I guess it's sad he thinks differently now. I filled that box with letters from him. letters from me. pictures. drawings. flowers. jewelry. books. i finally removed the clothing i still had of his from my closet. a random sock. i took his number out of my phone. i erased his screen name.
this is the only way i can move on. is that strange? is it abnormal to have the need to nearly erase someone from your memory to move on?
it's weird..i did the same thing with james. i filled boxes with things of him. i dont find it so strange. at least this way there arent little reminders of him all over the place. there's less that leads me to think of him.
i think i'll be ok. it's just a terrible feeling inside..like this is the wrong thing. like it shouldn't be happening this way. like we're meant to be together. everyone who doesnt know me who's reading this probably thinks i sound crazy. but you didnt know me, or us. we were an amazing couple. accent on WERE. and i was just never really sure that something like that could happen...that you could be perfectly in balance with someone and love them entirely...and then...after all, it's not meant to be. i convince myself there's a fault there somewhere. that maybe if we just try a little bit harder...or just try different things...we'd find it again. i know we could if we tried hard enough.
but it takes two.
Anna,
I've been thinking about you non-stop since yesterday. I kind of prepared myself for being dumped, I sensed it coming. At first I just figured that time will ease the pain, but I also realized that I love you. I remembered that you were my first true love and that I couldn't just let you turn your back on what we had. All I can think about is you and the notes that you used to write me from when I was in the shelter & when all of the doctor bullshit was going on you kept me going. You gave me a reason to live. I read that paper I wrote you over the summer and I was crying from the first line. I looked around my room and everything of you made me cry. I laid down in my bed last night and thought of the first time I made love to you. I remembered other times just laying with you after school and the way the sun shone through your hair. I remember driving past the dennisville wawa and breaking down crying one day b/c I realized how much I loved you. I remembered the afro-man hoodies and all the nights we spent together just talking. I also remember fighting & arguing, sometimes swearing that it would be the last. But it wouldn't be. There will always be disagreements, it doesn't mean that the love has been gone, it's part of love. It can't stay new forever, it never will. But just b/c it's not new doesn't mean it's not there.
I guess it's sad he thinks differently now. I filled that box with letters from him. letters from me. pictures. drawings. flowers. jewelry. books. i finally removed the clothing i still had of his from my closet. a random sock. i took his number out of my phone. i erased his screen name.
this is the only way i can move on. is that strange? is it abnormal to have the need to nearly erase someone from your memory to move on?
it's weird..i did the same thing with james. i filled boxes with things of him. i dont find it so strange. at least this way there arent little reminders of him all over the place. there's less that leads me to think of him.
i think i'll be ok. it's just a terrible feeling inside..like this is the wrong thing. like it shouldn't be happening this way. like we're meant to be together. everyone who doesnt know me who's reading this probably thinks i sound crazy. but you didnt know me, or us. we were an amazing couple. accent on WERE. and i was just never really sure that something like that could happen...that you could be perfectly in balance with someone and love them entirely...and then...after all, it's not meant to be. i convince myself there's a fault there somewhere. that maybe if we just try a little bit harder...or just try different things...we'd find it again. i know we could if we tried hard enough.
but it takes two.