(no subject)
Something happened to me.
I don't know what it was or when it happened but I know that I am different. Some of it is good different, growing up different. Other parts, are just...I don't know. I feel like I am consistently left out. Consistently. I've become pretty adept at keeping up a wall with friends so that I am never imposing and I am just feeling like what is left? Why do I feel like I have no one to call, I go through three numbers and when they don't answer thats it. Why am I so fucking needy right now? Fuck.
I am constantly on edge and I cannot stand it. I cant stand being stressed out, and always snapping and most of all the fucking neediness. Steve and I are perfect, he is always perfect. I honestly fall in love with him more and more as we grow together. This feeling i have is just in me. I have always been somewhat self conscious, but I am incredibly critical of myself and of others lately. To the point where it is just plain mean.
I'm not feeling myself--but I am unsure about what myself is right now. It's like, I have done this total 180 and some of it I am happy about, and I feel good about some of the things I have done but its like I miss a part of me that I didn't know existed.
Do you ever feel like you are missing something that you never had? Like you are so completely polarized inside of yourself that you can't figure out what is wrong? That there is one me that is completely self satisfied and excited about the future and happy with my life and who I am, and the other me who is like completely fucking scared, and always self doubting and criticizing, and just, hurting for everything and nothing.
Self pity is disgusting.
I don't know what it was or when it happened but I know that I am different. Some of it is good different, growing up different. Other parts, are just...I don't know. I feel like I am consistently left out. Consistently. I've become pretty adept at keeping up a wall with friends so that I am never imposing and I am just feeling like what is left? Why do I feel like I have no one to call, I go through three numbers and when they don't answer thats it. Why am I so fucking needy right now? Fuck.
I am constantly on edge and I cannot stand it. I cant stand being stressed out, and always snapping and most of all the fucking neediness. Steve and I are perfect, he is always perfect. I honestly fall in love with him more and more as we grow together. This feeling i have is just in me. I have always been somewhat self conscious, but I am incredibly critical of myself and of others lately. To the point where it is just plain mean.
I'm not feeling myself--but I am unsure about what myself is right now. It's like, I have done this total 180 and some of it I am happy about, and I feel good about some of the things I have done but its like I miss a part of me that I didn't know existed.
Do you ever feel like you are missing something that you never had? Like you are so completely polarized inside of yourself that you can't figure out what is wrong? That there is one me that is completely self satisfied and excited about the future and happy with my life and who I am, and the other me who is like completely fucking scared, and always self doubting and criticizing, and just, hurting for everything and nothing.
Self pity is disgusting.