code blue
i never had to deal with any patient casualties back in college for the simple reason we never had the chance to.
its not that i sort of feel disappointed or anything, its just that there is always a first time for eveything--just not in college.
there it was -- a flat line.
charging defibrillators.
inotropes all at ceiling doses.
going...
going...
gone.
id never forget that man who died and made me experience my first ever post-mortem care.
he's british. i wasnt his nurse that night (since i cater to this 3 year old kid named kobe suffering diabetic ketoacidosis) but he sure made me feel something ive never felt before. i wanted to cry with the realtives, bt looking around, my other colleagues were apathetic. could it be just me? my sponge-y heart trying to suck in all their emotions? oh well but i didnt. i am perfectly clueless of what i feel.
maybe, all it takes is just a little getting used to.
you know, that people come in go. that life has its beginnings and definite ends.
i admire my co-workers for being that unaffected.
i admire the wife for crying her heart out talking to his lifeless husband.
i admire myself that day, for being true. --at that point, i couldnt be apathetic. i just cant.
but like what ive said: all it takes is a little getting used to.
maybe, not little.
--
oh and i received my first paycheck today boy it was sooooooo small. but then, who am i to complain?
im a freakin taxpayer cause i have no choice. i currently feel so drained because #1 my work is physically and emotionally tiring (not mentioning the commuting risks i encounter every single day) #2 my brother is being soo unreasonable,and so is my mom. (again) #3 its not financially fulfilling #4 im having really painful headaches lately cause of the drastic changes of my sleeping time. id like to thank science for the trust worthy ibuprofen i take everytime. #5 i miss looking at the skies at night.