worries
i cannot help, but worry and feel unhappy sometimes, despite how much i want to be an optimist. so i am now going to type down whatever that comes to my mind, and lets see at the end of the entry whether i learnt anything. =)
i worry about where i am going to work in the future.
i worry about taking a different route from everyone else
but i fear taking the same route.
i worry about having no money to fulfill my dreams (or rather, my personal desires).
i know i worry about such stuff because i lack the strength to believe in myself, in other words, i doubt my own capabilities. life is not perfect, and i will not get everything i want. eventually, there is bound to be some point of time that i am disappointed and upset about not getting what i want. i dun like that. i dun like the fact that i am expecting and anticipating a failure in life, be it big or small.
i know there is nothing wrong with worrying and acknowledging the unsolved/uncertain/grey parts of life and future. i also know that it is wrong to drown myself in excessive worries. in fact, my ideal life is to have no plans at all. since it is not in me that gives me life to walk this earth, then it makes sense that what i want personally does not help me to live this life to the fullest. i want to do what He wants me to do. but what exactly does He wants me to do? if only things are as clear as a corporate mail - things listed down in black and white.
i read an article recently on new year resolution. the author suggested that we scrap all resolutions away, abandon all the "don't"s (for e.g. don't eat fatty foods! don't laze!) and just have one single resolution: focus on God. we should not fall prey to victims of vanity and money and instead follow his godly ways to please him. we are always trying to please people around us, true, they will make time way more enjoyable and bearable in this world but are we missing out the main point?
i always ponder about that. i always wonder if i can actually be happier in times of happiness. now that i am typing this, the answer seem so clear. God is happy for us when we are happy, but God will be happy himself if we recognise that it is only through him and following his ways that we can truly benefit and be glad (something like we feel way happier when ppl praise our cooking as compared to feeling just glad we found a gd restaurant). and now, just by typing that down, gives me immense joy to know that i can make someone happy, and not just an ordinary someone, but my creator. of course i am not saying that we cannot find joy and laughter in other places. but i guess its more like we can always sidetrack but never straying too far and should always remember to come back to the main point and agenda.
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i got bara-chan #34 2 days ago on wednesday!!! <3
it was a pretty, pink, and big rose!!!
my mama is coming with me to bethesda church this sunday!
finally a confirmed trip!
other than my swollen gums, ulcer and random worries, i think lotsa good stuff has been happening to me!!! =D