in the One who loves
Something happened last night where I had to stop and reevaluate; take captive some thoughts and give them to God because I knew they were not of Him.
It put me off for the remainder of the night. Jealousy, I realized, went so much deeper than simply wanting what I couldn't have: it makes me resentful of the person who has what I don't. As I sat in the car reflecting on my way home, I realized that those moments where I was consumed by these horrible feelings - resentment, anger, jealousy, and, in essence, hatred - I realized that not only were they detrimental to my relationship with the person I felt them towards, but they were also a reflection of how I felt about myself. Am I so insecure that I cannot acknowledge another's gifts and successes? Am I so insecure that I constantly need affirmation from others? Am I so selfish that I cannot let go of my moment in the spotlight to make room for someone else's? Do I hate myself so much that I feel like I need to be someone else? Am I so ashamed of who I am that I feel the need to be someone else in order to be somebody?
I resented a person for who they were. And in so doing, I spat in God's face and resented the person He made me to be. And as I tossed and turned last night, I realized that this was the pressure I've always put on myself: to be someone I am not. I am good at knowing who I am without Christ. Without Love, I am broken. Without Grace, I am forgotten. Without Him, I have nothing.
So I am asking God for forgiveness. I am going to stop hating myself. I am going to remember that I am loved. I am going to have to learn how to love myself before I can truly love anyone else. I am going to stop being ashamed of who I am. I am going to learn about who I am within Christ and remember her because she is who I am, and where I am going.
It put me off for the remainder of the night. Jealousy, I realized, went so much deeper than simply wanting what I couldn't have: it makes me resentful of the person who has what I don't. As I sat in the car reflecting on my way home, I realized that those moments where I was consumed by these horrible feelings - resentment, anger, jealousy, and, in essence, hatred - I realized that not only were they detrimental to my relationship with the person I felt them towards, but they were also a reflection of how I felt about myself. Am I so insecure that I cannot acknowledge another's gifts and successes? Am I so insecure that I constantly need affirmation from others? Am I so selfish that I cannot let go of my moment in the spotlight to make room for someone else's? Do I hate myself so much that I feel like I need to be someone else? Am I so ashamed of who I am that I feel the need to be someone else in order to be somebody?
I resented a person for who they were. And in so doing, I spat in God's face and resented the person He made me to be. And as I tossed and turned last night, I realized that this was the pressure I've always put on myself: to be someone I am not. I am good at knowing who I am without Christ. Without Love, I am broken. Without Grace, I am forgotten. Without Him, I have nothing.
So I am asking God for forgiveness. I am going to stop hating myself. I am going to remember that I am loved. I am going to have to learn how to love myself before I can truly love anyone else. I am going to stop being ashamed of who I am. I am going to learn about who I am within Christ and remember her because she is who I am, and where I am going.