(no subject)
I'm a bit puzzled, right now. And upset, too.
The people from the competition that I sent an application to still haven't given us a yes or no as to if I'm able to attend or not. They were supposed to have the results out on the first but it's obviously been a few days more than that so I don't know what's going on. They said that if one makes it in they'll send an email and if one doesn't, they won't. But we called the organization and they said the results are not even out yet. So I'm thinking the only reasonable explanation for all of this is: I didn't make it in. Exhale.
But that's not the reason why I'm upset. It's because of the fact that when my mother called China last night and told my relatives the news (that I probably didn't get in), they said to her,
"Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. There's nothing more I can say."
...
So wait, correct if I'm wrong but aren't family members supposed to support one another when things get rough? Aren't they supposed to be the "only ones who understand"? And just when did my mother do anything wrong? Trying to get into such a high-level competition was a gamble from the start, that we know, but doesn't it NOT HURT to just try? If I got in, great--I get to learn a lot from the other competitors, if I don't...then I don't. No big deal.
But I guess for them, being a little bit ambitious (Slytherin!) WAS a big deal, and it was also wrong.
My mother was just tongue-tied, she didn't even know how to respond. It was at dinner today that she told us what had happened and why she'd been so upset the whole morning. Then she started to cry and I had to comfort her and convince her that everything was going to okay, I'll work my ass off to become a good pianist, that'll show them.
It's so frustrating when nobody understands us (teenage angst), or even tries to. My relatives all think that my parents are crazy in the head because they've been trying to make me into someone special. There has never been a musician in the family (that we know of, of course) so when they hear about me practicing 10 hours a day or something like that, they get confused and ultimately panic.
Lol, my mother loves to throw around these wise Chinese sayings that Ol' Mao used to brainwash people with, like how the smartest people on Earth are the laborers because they know how to work and get things done. It's actually really funny because she'd be lecturing me one minute and the next I'd hear about the sun setting or about tall wilting grass and how it blows and shit.
Well anyway, one thing I've actually learned from her is that in this world, there is no one you can really rely on except for yourself. Friends come and go, people die or move away, there is nothing really permanent to give you support except for you or (while they're still alive) your parents. I think this has already been proven true for me (I know this can't apply for everyone else) and so that's why I'm really wary of making close friends. All of my parents' friends have screwed them over at least once in their lifetimes and I guess I just unconsciously learned from their mistakes.
But I digress.
So now my whole family is not on speaking terms with each other. Why? Well, my dad got upset and blamed me for not being good enough and my mother fought back, saying I WAS good enough, it was just that the competition was completely rude and disrespectful to us because I'm too young and do not study from a famous professor, have a good background, etc.
Personally I don't know WHAT to think, anymore. I kind of wish I had my mother's unwavering confidence about everything. She still thinks I have a chance at becoming really successful or something like that. I've always had my doubts before but now, well obviously now I have them even more.
But still, not getting into a competition does not even matter to me. I have even more to think about now; what competition should I go to next (I'm thinking California)? How should I go about preparing for college? I'll even have time to go to a big concert in New York this weekend, which should be a lot of fun.
Well right now I'm feeling a lot better about everything. I think it helps to pour everything out onto something meaningless and ultimately forget it ever happened.
I should really do this more often.