Ants.
Rifling through my grandmothers old things, I came upon this delicate neclace. A chain attached to a horse shoe. It looks like silver, and it has diamonds in it. I hope my Mother lets me keep it. It makes me feel like just maybe things won't be so bad if I wear it.
I'm seven months pregnant on Sunday. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I know I should be happy, but I kind of just feel... numb. I can't wait to meet Everton, but something about this pregnancy reminds me of the last one. That "special" feeling just isn't there. I looked up some things on line, and it says I may have a "pregnancy depression." Something that women with depression in the first place get when the hormones of the pregnancy kick in- and it makes the feelings worsen. I think it sounds correct.
I took Cambria to the park today with Anton's family. Every time I go out with them, something makes me extremely angry about the way they do things, and I spend the entire drive home complaining about it. I think it makes Anton uncomfortable. I should stop doing that.
I have a show on the 26th. My first one in six years. I still haven't practiced. I'm not sure I'll get enough people to go without paying for the tickets myself. I really don't care whether I play or not.
I love Cambria. She's beautiful, and she'll be three in January. She's smart, and she likes to hold my hand. It makes me feel like there's a reason for all of this. Like just on the other side of the hill, there's this magnificent feild of flowers that all this climbing is going to make it worth it to see. Except the hill is my life, and the field of flowers is her smile.
Anton is there for me. He's a good man, and he brings me ice cream and in n' out when I'm hungry. He has amazing green eyes, and he kisses my stomach at least once a day. I think he's happy with me, but sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me, and I'm not sure.
I don't know why I'm unhappy and numb. I have a family that loves me, and is supporting me through this. I wish I could change things, and make myself different for them- for the sake of them, and their love. I just pray and hope and cross my fingers that they don't get tired of waiting for me to wake up and come out of this grave. I pray and hope and cross my fingers that they'll be there always. It's all I have.
I'm seven months pregnant on Sunday. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I know I should be happy, but I kind of just feel... numb. I can't wait to meet Everton, but something about this pregnancy reminds me of the last one. That "special" feeling just isn't there. I looked up some things on line, and it says I may have a "pregnancy depression." Something that women with depression in the first place get when the hormones of the pregnancy kick in- and it makes the feelings worsen. I think it sounds correct.
I took Cambria to the park today with Anton's family. Every time I go out with them, something makes me extremely angry about the way they do things, and I spend the entire drive home complaining about it. I think it makes Anton uncomfortable. I should stop doing that.
I have a show on the 26th. My first one in six years. I still haven't practiced. I'm not sure I'll get enough people to go without paying for the tickets myself. I really don't care whether I play or not.
I love Cambria. She's beautiful, and she'll be three in January. She's smart, and she likes to hold my hand. It makes me feel like there's a reason for all of this. Like just on the other side of the hill, there's this magnificent feild of flowers that all this climbing is going to make it worth it to see. Except the hill is my life, and the field of flowers is her smile.
Anton is there for me. He's a good man, and he brings me ice cream and in n' out when I'm hungry. He has amazing green eyes, and he kisses my stomach at least once a day. I think he's happy with me, but sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me, and I'm not sure.
I don't know why I'm unhappy and numb. I have a family that loves me, and is supporting me through this. I wish I could change things, and make myself different for them- for the sake of them, and their love. I just pray and hope and cross my fingers that they don't get tired of waiting for me to wake up and come out of this grave. I pray and hope and cross my fingers that they'll be there always. It's all I have.