Why? Why? Why?
I've been asked a lot why I don't like Brian, why I write QAF fanfic if I don't like the show, and how I can write Brian the way I do if I don't like the way he's portrayed on the show. I'm not sure how successfully I can answer those questions, but I'm giving it a stab here.
Before I give QAF fandom another attack of the vapors, I'll attach this disclaimer: I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm not "arguing" a position or trying to provide irrefutable proof that my opinion is "right." I'm simply saying these are my impressions. I don't couch every other sentence in "I thinks" and "It's my opinion thats." If you can't infer the "I thinks" and the "It's my opinion thats" then I'm sure my tone will irk you. There's nothing I can do about that. I'm responsible for my intentions; not your interpretations.
If your opinion differs from mine, please feel free to share it in the same spirit in which I am sharing mine--we don't have to try to sway one another to any way of thinking. It's all about putting your point of view out there; about making us think about our own impressions and why we have them. That's interesting to me, and I hope to other fans.
I don't have much of a problem with Season One Brian. I didn't really watch any of the scenes between Brian and Michael, so I have a vague sense that Brian was a destructive force in Michael's life, but Michael's a 30-year old man, so he's responsible for taking care of himself.
Brian was a little shitty to keep engaging in that push-pull scenario with Justin. At seventeen, Justin was young and impressionable, and it's easy to see how he could foolishly believe Brian gave a shit about him, when in reality it was mostly just Brian amusedly enjoying the novelty of the situation. Plus, Brian really got off on being worshipped by Justin .
If the bashing hadn't occurred, Justin would have eventually moved on to greener pastures. I think Brian had every expectation of that as well. I don't see the prom scene as Brian declaring any kind of future intentions to Justin; he just wanted to give Justin a prom he'd always remember-but it would have also served as a sweet, playfully dramatic beginning of the end to their little love affair.
The bashing messed all of that up. And also illustrates how weak and ineffectual a man Brian really is.
That Brian never once went to see Justin while he was recovering is absolutely unforgivable in my book. Instead of facing the situation head-on, instead of facing Justin, Brian hides behind drugs and fucking and ignores the fact that Justin is shut away in the hospital for six weeks. What was going through Justin's head during all of those days that Brian never once came to see him, never called him, never even acknowledged him? If Justin had a true friend anywhere near him, that friend would have reminded him-would still be reminding him-how utterly worthless Brian is.
I understand that Brian was traumatized by the bashing. So what. Justin was lying in a hospital bed-he had no choice about where he was or how he was going to deal with what happened. Brian had choices but repeatedly chose the coward's way out-avoidance.
If Brian possessed any sense of honor, any sense of a universe outside of what was best and easiest for him, he would have pulled himself together and dragged his ass over to that hospital. That he didn't means he's selfish, that he couldn't means he's weak. Neither one of those is attractive or enviable or honorable.
So Justin works to recover, then seeks Brian out and after finally reassuring *Brian* that everything's okay, Brian reluctantly steps up to the plate to help Justin get over the residual effects of the bashing.
Throughout most of the second season, Brian continually has the option to be the bigger man in numerous instances and every single time he chooses *not* to be. He could have respected Justin's fears after the dumpster boy murder, but instead he strangles Justin and torments him by leaving with a stranger-mocking Justin's concern for him.
Brian didn't have to use Justin's birthday as an excuse to drive home to Justin that they weren't a conventional couple, that he didn't feel for Justin what a partner would feel for another, but he did.
Brian's jealous reaction to Justin and Michael creating a comic book defies understanding. Again, if Justin had a single friend in the universe, that friend would have been appalled at the idea of Justin just shrugging off the fact that Brian pissed on his work. Who accepts that kind of disgusting disregard for them?
I don't know anyone who would have planned a trip with their partner and then mutely accepted, "it's business," as a reason for the cancellation of that trip. Only in a Stepford universe would a person say, "Okay. I understand. You make the money, therefore any decision you make must stand without question."
If Brian were any kind of man worthy of respect, he would have said, "I'm going to be fired if I don't bring a big client into the firm by Friday." That's all he needed to say, and if he held an ounce of respect for Justin he would have said that.
True, Justin complains about Brian canceling that trip, but only until Brian explains that it isn't just that he's picking business over Justin, but that he's going to be unemployed if he doesn't go. And who wouldn't? You're packing for a trip, and your partner comes in and says you can't go. Who among us isn't going to bitch about the job and probably the boss and the company and everything else that messed up your plans. That's human nature. But Justin doesn't say a word after Brian makes clear to him that the situation is fairly dire.
When Justin tries to tell Brian that he wants a night at home, with just the two of them, Brian says no. "Do what you want," Brian says. "But I'm going out." It's another moment when Brian could have treated Justin with respect, but he chooses not to. He could have told Justin that he'd gone to the hospital to be with Michael, that he had relived those few days after the bashing, but he doesn't respect Justin in that way. Justin is someone he fucks, but not someone he talks to or particularly likes or respects as anything other than a good lay. One of the few times Justin tries to articulate what he wants and needs from Brian, the message that's returned is that Brian doesn't give a shit what Justin wants or needs.
And finally, when Brian learns that Justin has broken the rules with someone, Brian could have confronted him; could have broken it off with Justin himself, but instead, he torments Justin and while refusing to make any choices of his own, forces Justin to make a choice. Again, Brian is too weak and cowardly to declare himself in any way. Justin is practically begging Brian for some kind of acknowledgement that he's more than a glorified trick to Brian. He's not, and Brian should have had the courage to tell him that, but he doesn't. It's up to Justin to make a move and actually choose what he wants and needs, but he has to do so without actual knowledge of where Brian stands or how Brian really feels.
I hated that Justin didn't leave Brian before taking up with Ethan. That was weak and dishonorable on Justin's part and there's no excuse for that behavior. He should have had the strength of character to say to Brian, "This isn't the relationship that I want, and I'm leaving."
Better yet, I think Justin should have said, "I really like fucking you, but I need a friend. Ethan's my fuck buddy, so let's amend the rules and say we can fuck the same person over and over again. What do you say?" I think Brian would have accepted that because he would have still been able to fuck Justin a lot which is what he likes to do.
I have less problem with Brian in the third season, at least Brian's relationship with Justin, because it's been spelled out for us that all Brian and Justin both expect from their relationship is sex--they do not have conventional feelings toward one another, and they don't expect anything from one another. They're not trying to build a life or a future together, they're simply two gay men who get off on fucking each other.
Justin has learned his lesson about wanting romance and respect and concern from a partner. I don't really understand where he's coming from, but I don't doubt that he's consciously choosing to be where he wants to be. I don't see how Justin can forgive Brian's taunting Ethan into accepting the conditions of that recording contract, and then pointing out to Justin that he is nothing but a piece of ass no one would sacrifice anything for. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who thinks so little of me, but what Brian thinks of him has never been of much importance to Justin. He likes dick.
Of course, Brian's working for Stockwell was abhorrent to me. That Brian would sell out *any* group for money is reprehensible. Yes, he eventually tries to undue all of the harm he caused in the first place, but that's nothing to celebrate. If he'd taken the honorable path from the start, he wouldn't have had anything to correct.
Even more unforgivable was the Brian who stood in his office will Emmett *begged* him--*begged* him-- to help Ted, and Brian sent Emmett away thinking he wouldn't help. That was so nasty and uncalled for and unforgivable.
Brian on the TV show, as a character of interest, fails at every turn. He's not struggling in any way to become a better man because to TPTB he's already the Gay Messiah. The struggle belongs to the other characters on the show trying to become more like Brian.
He is selfish, but not in any kind of entertaining, roguish way. His unkindness is distasteful, and the fact that he professes not to love or care about anyone, then behaves in an entirely different manner makes him as much a liar as Ethan or anyone else on the show.
I guess it boils down to this: I don't think human weakness is something to be respected or revered. Understood? Absolutely. Empathized with? Yes. But not applauded.
In my mind, this fandom is mostly about celebrating how weak and feckless (and don't forget damaged and abused) Brian Kinney is. It's not about watching Brian try to overcome anything so much as wallowing in his failings. I don't get that, and I certainly don't want to join in.
You don't want to smoke? Don't light a cigarette and put it in your mouth. Don't want to be overweight? Don't consume more calories than you expend. Don't want to be in debt? Don't buy things you can't afford. Is it hard sometimes? Yeah. It requires sacrifice and self-discipline, and it's much easier to give in to your appetites than to control them. It's *hard,* but so what? Sometimes things are hard. So. What.
If Brian Kinney was consciously trying to change because he wanted a life different from the one he was currently living, I would be interested in watching him make those changes. If Brian consciously did *anything,* he'd be more interesting than the character I see on the TV show. Instead on both the show and in the majority of fanfic, it's simply a continual retread of how selfish and fucked up and hopeless a case Brian Kinney is. But for some unfathomable reason, we're supposed to appreciate Brian's selfishness and the fact that he's hopeless and fucked up.
I don't learn anything about Brian watching him shit on Justin for the 1,238th time. I don't learn anything new watching Justin convince himself that Brian's refusing to go somewhere with him, refusing to respect him and refusing to treat him as anything other than a convenient fuck is actually Brian showing Justin how very very much he's loved. I don't buy it, and for that reason, most of the fanfic fails to move me in any way.
As to how I can write Brian or why I write him--I change him. I try to hold on to his sarcasm, his pessimism, his sly wit. I like those characteristics. Brian's smart, and I like that too. I simply make him a little more self-actualized. Yes, he might still shit on Justin, but Justin won't thank him for it and secretly delight in it as proof of Brian's love. Justin will call him on it and tell him to stop, and Brian will think about it and agree to try. The Brian in my fic is choosing to live the life he's living, and he will still screw up and make mistakes, but he'll own those mistakes and he won't repeat them over and over again. And the Brian in my fics is choosing a future with Justin. He's not constantly reminding Justin of what they're not and what they'll never be. He's let go of some of the idiotic mantras he set when he was a teenager. Will my Brian ever pledge monogamy to Justin? No. Will he ever whisk Justin off to Vermont to get married? No again. But he is a man dedicated to moving forward and not stagnating or even worse rehashing the same issues over and over again ad nauseum.
Whether or not I'm successful at conveying this in my fic, I can't say, but it's what I'm trying to do. And what I'll keep trying to do so long as the muse keeps whispering.
Before I give QAF fandom another attack of the vapors, I'll attach this disclaimer: I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm not "arguing" a position or trying to provide irrefutable proof that my opinion is "right." I'm simply saying these are my impressions. I don't couch every other sentence in "I thinks" and "It's my opinion thats." If you can't infer the "I thinks" and the "It's my opinion thats" then I'm sure my tone will irk you. There's nothing I can do about that. I'm responsible for my intentions; not your interpretations.
If your opinion differs from mine, please feel free to share it in the same spirit in which I am sharing mine--we don't have to try to sway one another to any way of thinking. It's all about putting your point of view out there; about making us think about our own impressions and why we have them. That's interesting to me, and I hope to other fans.
I don't have much of a problem with Season One Brian. I didn't really watch any of the scenes between Brian and Michael, so I have a vague sense that Brian was a destructive force in Michael's life, but Michael's a 30-year old man, so he's responsible for taking care of himself.
Brian was a little shitty to keep engaging in that push-pull scenario with Justin. At seventeen, Justin was young and impressionable, and it's easy to see how he could foolishly believe Brian gave a shit about him, when in reality it was mostly just Brian amusedly enjoying the novelty of the situation. Plus, Brian really got off on being worshipped by Justin .
If the bashing hadn't occurred, Justin would have eventually moved on to greener pastures. I think Brian had every expectation of that as well. I don't see the prom scene as Brian declaring any kind of future intentions to Justin; he just wanted to give Justin a prom he'd always remember-but it would have also served as a sweet, playfully dramatic beginning of the end to their little love affair.
The bashing messed all of that up. And also illustrates how weak and ineffectual a man Brian really is.
That Brian never once went to see Justin while he was recovering is absolutely unforgivable in my book. Instead of facing the situation head-on, instead of facing Justin, Brian hides behind drugs and fucking and ignores the fact that Justin is shut away in the hospital for six weeks. What was going through Justin's head during all of those days that Brian never once came to see him, never called him, never even acknowledged him? If Justin had a true friend anywhere near him, that friend would have reminded him-would still be reminding him-how utterly worthless Brian is.
I understand that Brian was traumatized by the bashing. So what. Justin was lying in a hospital bed-he had no choice about where he was or how he was going to deal with what happened. Brian had choices but repeatedly chose the coward's way out-avoidance.
If Brian possessed any sense of honor, any sense of a universe outside of what was best and easiest for him, he would have pulled himself together and dragged his ass over to that hospital. That he didn't means he's selfish, that he couldn't means he's weak. Neither one of those is attractive or enviable or honorable.
So Justin works to recover, then seeks Brian out and after finally reassuring *Brian* that everything's okay, Brian reluctantly steps up to the plate to help Justin get over the residual effects of the bashing.
Throughout most of the second season, Brian continually has the option to be the bigger man in numerous instances and every single time he chooses *not* to be. He could have respected Justin's fears after the dumpster boy murder, but instead he strangles Justin and torments him by leaving with a stranger-mocking Justin's concern for him.
Brian didn't have to use Justin's birthday as an excuse to drive home to Justin that they weren't a conventional couple, that he didn't feel for Justin what a partner would feel for another, but he did.
Brian's jealous reaction to Justin and Michael creating a comic book defies understanding. Again, if Justin had a single friend in the universe, that friend would have been appalled at the idea of Justin just shrugging off the fact that Brian pissed on his work. Who accepts that kind of disgusting disregard for them?
I don't know anyone who would have planned a trip with their partner and then mutely accepted, "it's business," as a reason for the cancellation of that trip. Only in a Stepford universe would a person say, "Okay. I understand. You make the money, therefore any decision you make must stand without question."
If Brian were any kind of man worthy of respect, he would have said, "I'm going to be fired if I don't bring a big client into the firm by Friday." That's all he needed to say, and if he held an ounce of respect for Justin he would have said that.
True, Justin complains about Brian canceling that trip, but only until Brian explains that it isn't just that he's picking business over Justin, but that he's going to be unemployed if he doesn't go. And who wouldn't? You're packing for a trip, and your partner comes in and says you can't go. Who among us isn't going to bitch about the job and probably the boss and the company and everything else that messed up your plans. That's human nature. But Justin doesn't say a word after Brian makes clear to him that the situation is fairly dire.
When Justin tries to tell Brian that he wants a night at home, with just the two of them, Brian says no. "Do what you want," Brian says. "But I'm going out." It's another moment when Brian could have treated Justin with respect, but he chooses not to. He could have told Justin that he'd gone to the hospital to be with Michael, that he had relived those few days after the bashing, but he doesn't respect Justin in that way. Justin is someone he fucks, but not someone he talks to or particularly likes or respects as anything other than a good lay. One of the few times Justin tries to articulate what he wants and needs from Brian, the message that's returned is that Brian doesn't give a shit what Justin wants or needs.
And finally, when Brian learns that Justin has broken the rules with someone, Brian could have confronted him; could have broken it off with Justin himself, but instead, he torments Justin and while refusing to make any choices of his own, forces Justin to make a choice. Again, Brian is too weak and cowardly to declare himself in any way. Justin is practically begging Brian for some kind of acknowledgement that he's more than a glorified trick to Brian. He's not, and Brian should have had the courage to tell him that, but he doesn't. It's up to Justin to make a move and actually choose what he wants and needs, but he has to do so without actual knowledge of where Brian stands or how Brian really feels.
I hated that Justin didn't leave Brian before taking up with Ethan. That was weak and dishonorable on Justin's part and there's no excuse for that behavior. He should have had the strength of character to say to Brian, "This isn't the relationship that I want, and I'm leaving."
Better yet, I think Justin should have said, "I really like fucking you, but I need a friend. Ethan's my fuck buddy, so let's amend the rules and say we can fuck the same person over and over again. What do you say?" I think Brian would have accepted that because he would have still been able to fuck Justin a lot which is what he likes to do.
I have less problem with Brian in the third season, at least Brian's relationship with Justin, because it's been spelled out for us that all Brian and Justin both expect from their relationship is sex--they do not have conventional feelings toward one another, and they don't expect anything from one another. They're not trying to build a life or a future together, they're simply two gay men who get off on fucking each other.
Justin has learned his lesson about wanting romance and respect and concern from a partner. I don't really understand where he's coming from, but I don't doubt that he's consciously choosing to be where he wants to be. I don't see how Justin can forgive Brian's taunting Ethan into accepting the conditions of that recording contract, and then pointing out to Justin that he is nothing but a piece of ass no one would sacrifice anything for. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who thinks so little of me, but what Brian thinks of him has never been of much importance to Justin. He likes dick.
Of course, Brian's working for Stockwell was abhorrent to me. That Brian would sell out *any* group for money is reprehensible. Yes, he eventually tries to undue all of the harm he caused in the first place, but that's nothing to celebrate. If he'd taken the honorable path from the start, he wouldn't have had anything to correct.
Even more unforgivable was the Brian who stood in his office will Emmett *begged* him--*begged* him-- to help Ted, and Brian sent Emmett away thinking he wouldn't help. That was so nasty and uncalled for and unforgivable.
Brian on the TV show, as a character of interest, fails at every turn. He's not struggling in any way to become a better man because to TPTB he's already the Gay Messiah. The struggle belongs to the other characters on the show trying to become more like Brian.
He is selfish, but not in any kind of entertaining, roguish way. His unkindness is distasteful, and the fact that he professes not to love or care about anyone, then behaves in an entirely different manner makes him as much a liar as Ethan or anyone else on the show.
I guess it boils down to this: I don't think human weakness is something to be respected or revered. Understood? Absolutely. Empathized with? Yes. But not applauded.
In my mind, this fandom is mostly about celebrating how weak and feckless (and don't forget damaged and abused) Brian Kinney is. It's not about watching Brian try to overcome anything so much as wallowing in his failings. I don't get that, and I certainly don't want to join in.
You don't want to smoke? Don't light a cigarette and put it in your mouth. Don't want to be overweight? Don't consume more calories than you expend. Don't want to be in debt? Don't buy things you can't afford. Is it hard sometimes? Yeah. It requires sacrifice and self-discipline, and it's much easier to give in to your appetites than to control them. It's *hard,* but so what? Sometimes things are hard. So. What.
If Brian Kinney was consciously trying to change because he wanted a life different from the one he was currently living, I would be interested in watching him make those changes. If Brian consciously did *anything,* he'd be more interesting than the character I see on the TV show. Instead on both the show and in the majority of fanfic, it's simply a continual retread of how selfish and fucked up and hopeless a case Brian Kinney is. But for some unfathomable reason, we're supposed to appreciate Brian's selfishness and the fact that he's hopeless and fucked up.
I don't learn anything about Brian watching him shit on Justin for the 1,238th time. I don't learn anything new watching Justin convince himself that Brian's refusing to go somewhere with him, refusing to respect him and refusing to treat him as anything other than a convenient fuck is actually Brian showing Justin how very very much he's loved. I don't buy it, and for that reason, most of the fanfic fails to move me in any way.
As to how I can write Brian or why I write him--I change him. I try to hold on to his sarcasm, his pessimism, his sly wit. I like those characteristics. Brian's smart, and I like that too. I simply make him a little more self-actualized. Yes, he might still shit on Justin, but Justin won't thank him for it and secretly delight in it as proof of Brian's love. Justin will call him on it and tell him to stop, and Brian will think about it and agree to try. The Brian in my fic is choosing to live the life he's living, and he will still screw up and make mistakes, but he'll own those mistakes and he won't repeat them over and over again. And the Brian in my fics is choosing a future with Justin. He's not constantly reminding Justin of what they're not and what they'll never be. He's let go of some of the idiotic mantras he set when he was a teenager. Will my Brian ever pledge monogamy to Justin? No. Will he ever whisk Justin off to Vermont to get married? No again. But he is a man dedicated to moving forward and not stagnating or even worse rehashing the same issues over and over again ad nauseum.
Whether or not I'm successful at conveying this in my fic, I can't say, but it's what I'm trying to do. And what I'll keep trying to do so long as the muse keeps whispering.