motherfuck what you heard i'm all of that
I will be 26 in five minutes and, as per usual, I’m not sure how I feel about that fact. Another year of being alive and another year closer to death. I should be out partying but I did that last night and if I had gone out earlier in the day then I would probably be right now. There were activities and places that would have been fun to partake in but not tonight. I needed “some Alan-time” as a friend would put it.
So how did I spend today? Mostly watching things like Witchblade: the anime series and a bootleg of Kung Fu Panda. Both of which I enjoyed but I only really recommend the latter. We had crab and spinach for an early dinner tonight. It was nice and filling but felt pretty light. I really want to stop eating shellfish and pork for religious reasons but it is hard to say no sometimes.
It’s funny, I was feeling kind of down and I was going to write a “woe is me”-entry and then I got a call from some nice well-wishers including a birthday twin. Now I feel somewhat alright.
Birthdays are like a personal New Years. You need to make resolutions that correlate to them too. I have already started with the healthy living thing. Although I polluted my liver, lungs and gastro-intestinal tract with a bunch of shit yesterday but it was to be expected. By the way, if you don’t eat Denny’s for months and then you decide to drunkenly go there then don’t eat anything. Drink some water or pass out in the booth but don’t eat anything. I made that mistake and man, did I feel like I was going to hurl. Anyway, this is the year that I completely take charge. 25 was a year of moving forward and getting sidetracked by creature comforts. Eating how I’ve always eaten has caught up with me and now I’m fixing that. Exercise is becoming one of those routines that I really feel shitty if I go without. Before it was usually a nuisance as well as an occasional pleasure. I hate going and I hate the first ten minutes but once I’m in the homestretch then everything livens up. I don’t feel so awkward or fat. People who haven’t seen me in awhile commented that I look thinner last night at the party, which felt great. I could be thinner though and that is what I will accomplish before 27.
One of the most important things is being 99.9% self-sufficient. That 0.1% is reserved for when I really need some parental help but that is a drastic change from how things have been. No more mooching, no more procrastinating and no more dead-end crumb bum jobs. The band is still the prime focus. With all the hassles, it grows and I am proud to be a part of it. In the mean time though, I need something to pay the bills that come with living a normal life. I’ve been applying left and right; an interview here, a test there but nothing that completely sticks. I am going to apply for a job that would make me an adult and mark my words: Those of you in close proximity will be invited to an apartment warming by early to late-Fall. I’m sick of being sick of my current situation. The realization that I am the only one who could fix it was weighing on me like a burden but now it manifests as a driving force.
I’m sick of being alone too. It is easy to delude yourself about your station but it is even easier to trick yourself into believing that you are unlovable. Some people just fall in and out of relationships like most animated forms of life breathe. It is just a mundane part of their existence. For me, it has never been that easy and to go into why or why not would be a waste of time. The thing is that like the clean living, it is an effortless task when it comes to being distracted. Some people say, “Stop looking and you will find it.” The fact is that I’ve tried that approach and that doesn’t work. I’ve tried the opposite too and that is impractical as well. I am trying to get some equilibrium there and once I do, things should balance out. I can deal with one to two dimensional “relationships” if the pay off is that eventually I get what I want. Even if I don’t completely, I will have to find a way to be happy with whatever is thrown at me.
Vivian told drunken me to shut up last night when I made a comment about being the only guy out of my trio of friends to not be in a quality relationship. I understand why and yet I don’t. Especially now that I’m that much closer to thirty, marriage isn’t such a foreign idea. It is still pretty far off in the distance but it isn’t that much of a long shot. Long term dating is a primer and again, I’m sick of being on the outside looking in when it comes to a lot of things. That might sound strange but what I mean by that is that I have needs that can’t be satisfied by close friends. I’m not just talking sexually but true that is a factor. I need to feel loved and I’ve needed to feel loved like that for a while. It does and it doesn’t take someone else to make you feel complete. It is all-dependent on who you are at that moment. Truth be told, I just don’t like being dicked around. I want to do normal things like go to a museum, a movie, the zoo, a vacation, outer space, etc. with someone who gets me on a completely different level than anyone else. Fuck… I daydream about the girliest of things when I should probably be thinking about tits or something. I think about having to meet their family and their friends with glee. I think about having inside jokes that only we get. I think about all things I’ve had before with certain people before true colors shown through from both parties for better or worse and can’t help but want that again.
So those are three of the major things I’m changing this time around. There will probably be more. I’m tired. Why does my birthday have to fall on father’s day this year? I’m seeing the Hulk with my pops and I’m buying him lunch to boot. Hope I make it out alive. Happy birthday to me, ALAN SMASH!
So how did I spend today? Mostly watching things like Witchblade: the anime series and a bootleg of Kung Fu Panda. Both of which I enjoyed but I only really recommend the latter. We had crab and spinach for an early dinner tonight. It was nice and filling but felt pretty light. I really want to stop eating shellfish and pork for religious reasons but it is hard to say no sometimes.
It’s funny, I was feeling kind of down and I was going to write a “woe is me”-entry and then I got a call from some nice well-wishers including a birthday twin. Now I feel somewhat alright.
Birthdays are like a personal New Years. You need to make resolutions that correlate to them too. I have already started with the healthy living thing. Although I polluted my liver, lungs and gastro-intestinal tract with a bunch of shit yesterday but it was to be expected. By the way, if you don’t eat Denny’s for months and then you decide to drunkenly go there then don’t eat anything. Drink some water or pass out in the booth but don’t eat anything. I made that mistake and man, did I feel like I was going to hurl. Anyway, this is the year that I completely take charge. 25 was a year of moving forward and getting sidetracked by creature comforts. Eating how I’ve always eaten has caught up with me and now I’m fixing that. Exercise is becoming one of those routines that I really feel shitty if I go without. Before it was usually a nuisance as well as an occasional pleasure. I hate going and I hate the first ten minutes but once I’m in the homestretch then everything livens up. I don’t feel so awkward or fat. People who haven’t seen me in awhile commented that I look thinner last night at the party, which felt great. I could be thinner though and that is what I will accomplish before 27.
One of the most important things is being 99.9% self-sufficient. That 0.1% is reserved for when I really need some parental help but that is a drastic change from how things have been. No more mooching, no more procrastinating and no more dead-end crumb bum jobs. The band is still the prime focus. With all the hassles, it grows and I am proud to be a part of it. In the mean time though, I need something to pay the bills that come with living a normal life. I’ve been applying left and right; an interview here, a test there but nothing that completely sticks. I am going to apply for a job that would make me an adult and mark my words: Those of you in close proximity will be invited to an apartment warming by early to late-Fall. I’m sick of being sick of my current situation. The realization that I am the only one who could fix it was weighing on me like a burden but now it manifests as a driving force.
I’m sick of being alone too. It is easy to delude yourself about your station but it is even easier to trick yourself into believing that you are unlovable. Some people just fall in and out of relationships like most animated forms of life breathe. It is just a mundane part of their existence. For me, it has never been that easy and to go into why or why not would be a waste of time. The thing is that like the clean living, it is an effortless task when it comes to being distracted. Some people say, “Stop looking and you will find it.” The fact is that I’ve tried that approach and that doesn’t work. I’ve tried the opposite too and that is impractical as well. I am trying to get some equilibrium there and once I do, things should balance out. I can deal with one to two dimensional “relationships” if the pay off is that eventually I get what I want. Even if I don’t completely, I will have to find a way to be happy with whatever is thrown at me.
Vivian told drunken me to shut up last night when I made a comment about being the only guy out of my trio of friends to not be in a quality relationship. I understand why and yet I don’t. Especially now that I’m that much closer to thirty, marriage isn’t such a foreign idea. It is still pretty far off in the distance but it isn’t that much of a long shot. Long term dating is a primer and again, I’m sick of being on the outside looking in when it comes to a lot of things. That might sound strange but what I mean by that is that I have needs that can’t be satisfied by close friends. I’m not just talking sexually but true that is a factor. I need to feel loved and I’ve needed to feel loved like that for a while. It does and it doesn’t take someone else to make you feel complete. It is all-dependent on who you are at that moment. Truth be told, I just don’t like being dicked around. I want to do normal things like go to a museum, a movie, the zoo, a vacation, outer space, etc. with someone who gets me on a completely different level than anyone else. Fuck… I daydream about the girliest of things when I should probably be thinking about tits or something. I think about having to meet their family and their friends with glee. I think about having inside jokes that only we get. I think about all things I’ve had before with certain people before true colors shown through from both parties for better or worse and can’t help but want that again.
So those are three of the major things I’m changing this time around. There will probably be more. I’m tired. Why does my birthday have to fall on father’s day this year? I’m seeing the Hulk with my pops and I’m buying him lunch to boot. Hope I make it out alive. Happy birthday to me, ALAN SMASH!