(no subject)
I don’t fit in.
I think after 30 or so years of intermittent research I have come to this conclusion.
I don't think I even want to fit in. If you thought of the world as a large photograph, I feel like I'm staring at the phtotograph and don't really understand what it is I am seeing.
I've tried to fit into the edge of the picture, and I guess I will always have to try and do just that.
So much of what I see people doing, while understandable I guess, doesn't seem to work in me. I don't know that it ever has or even can. I try to interface with society and all I seem to take from it is that the things I do are wrong. I am supposed to be doing other things, just ...because...that's how it is. I don't understand it. I know that it is that way.
I don't say these things for sympathy or even to make communication. I say them because I don't know what else to do. I am not any more desperate than I have ever been and have no ideation of self-harm.
I feel as though my entire life is in limbo, and always has been.
I don't know what I would do if it wasn't. I don't know that I know how to do whatever I might need to if it ever starts to move.
I know, sort of, where it started but that knowledge brings no comfort or solution.
I guess this is where I lay out what I need to do and make a plan to work on.
Well, I need to get out of this country and be with my wife. That is no longer in my control.
I need to get functional once I get there, and that is entirely up to me and still..on hold.
I have no marketable skills. I have issues with human interaction. Also, I WANT to be working better. Smarter and not harder. I need help here. I am willing to do my best.
I question if it has ever been good enough, all results thus far say no.
I need to stop being out of shape and unhealthy.
I cannot get medical access (well, cannot afford it), so that's on hold too.
I have some people to counsel me through these times, so that is taken care of, thankfully.
I can start to walk around the neighborhood to get some exercise, though.
I suppose that is what I should be working on now, since I seem to have some control over that.
So, I guess that's where I will start.
I guess I will start to go for walks tomorrow. I should be able to handle that.
I think after 30 or so years of intermittent research I have come to this conclusion.
I don't think I even want to fit in. If you thought of the world as a large photograph, I feel like I'm staring at the phtotograph and don't really understand what it is I am seeing.
I've tried to fit into the edge of the picture, and I guess I will always have to try and do just that.
So much of what I see people doing, while understandable I guess, doesn't seem to work in me. I don't know that it ever has or even can. I try to interface with society and all I seem to take from it is that the things I do are wrong. I am supposed to be doing other things, just ...because...that's how it is. I don't understand it. I know that it is that way.
I don't say these things for sympathy or even to make communication. I say them because I don't know what else to do. I am not any more desperate than I have ever been and have no ideation of self-harm.
I feel as though my entire life is in limbo, and always has been.
I don't know what I would do if it wasn't. I don't know that I know how to do whatever I might need to if it ever starts to move.
I know, sort of, where it started but that knowledge brings no comfort or solution.
I guess this is where I lay out what I need to do and make a plan to work on.
Well, I need to get out of this country and be with my wife. That is no longer in my control.
I need to get functional once I get there, and that is entirely up to me and still..on hold.
I have no marketable skills. I have issues with human interaction. Also, I WANT to be working better. Smarter and not harder. I need help here. I am willing to do my best.
I question if it has ever been good enough, all results thus far say no.
I need to stop being out of shape and unhealthy.
I cannot get medical access (well, cannot afford it), so that's on hold too.
I have some people to counsel me through these times, so that is taken care of, thankfully.
I can start to walk around the neighborhood to get some exercise, though.
I suppose that is what I should be working on now, since I seem to have some control over that.
So, I guess that's where I will start.
I guess I will start to go for walks tomorrow. I should be able to handle that.