...
i haven't been writing here lately.
while on vacation, my boy mentioned to me that this journal would pop up on google if someone searched my first name. uh-oh! must protect the innocent! so i changed that, and for the record, i've googled my name and i never get this page, maybe i was having a high hits day or whatever. upon returning home, he told me why. his parents have read this journal.
What. The. Fuck.
i'm totally at fault here, let me just get that out of the way; before i examine some of the details here that bug me.
his father found it first. read one entry having to do with sharpies and thought "oh! thats what this is, i don't want to read any more of this." for whatever reasons: ew, privacy, ew, boredom, i don't know. he knows it exists, my bad, as it is public. He has no interest in it, except the interest he shares with the Mom, which i will get to. he informed his wife. who read...a great deal more. why?
my lover's previous lover once tried to tell his mother how kinky he was (it was news to his gf at the time i guess) and she was all "AAAAA! I don't want to know anything about it." ok. once, he pulled my arms back in a stretch in front of her (there was a bruise on my arm, and my shoulders are terrifyingly flexible) and she was all "Don't do that to her in front of me! i don't want to know about that!" cuz she kinda knew, you see. soooo you don't want to know. were you being brave? steeling yourself and sacrificing your comfort to protect your son? I'll buy that.
they let him know that they had found his really older gf's dirty journal, starring their son~ and provided the details of the experience that i have here. maybe more. to what end? they wanted to make sure I had his consent to post sex stuff. I do. but she didn't need to explore much to determine that it was time to alert her boy to possible treachery.
I'm not pleased that they would assume that I didn't have his consent, or consider it a good enough possibility (or risk to him) to a) read on. b) discuss it with him.
as i explore this situation i feel lots of things. horny is quite unreachable in the present context, which kinda makes me not come here when thinking sexy.
I feel: shock, anger, shame, outrage, judged, judgemental, defensive, very, very sorry, and on good days; the tiniest flash of wicked amusement.
these are the most permissive parents i have ever ever seen. they let their under 18 son's gf (was she over 18?) spend the night in his bed in their house time and time again. asked him politely to ask her to not scream so loudly while they fucked. alongside the ew i have for that mental image (i have listened to her fuck someone i used to live with...so ew.) i have discovered a conservative streak in my psyche that says "wrong!" mostly because his younger sister loathed having to listen to that twit night after night, and for closet republican reasons i guess too. maybe outright envy, as i had no such permissiveness and had to break into abandoned buildings to fuck. but somehow the present situation does not...fit...with the climate of libertarian parenting. I'm sure they knew his ex's parents would have had her castrated if they knew she was no longer a virgin. that she was lying about where she was at night, that all that loud, obvious porn mooing (catty, i know) was totally in violation of her parents wishes. completely without their consent. was she over 18? possibly. but her parents were supporting her, making her rules and curfew, and might have cut it off had they known. so...preferential interference where their kid's consent is involved? sure. but if i could find a constant ethical thread here...i might not keep trying to be angry at her for learning more than she wanted to know about me, us, him.
and... he didn't tell me until after we had stayed in their house (and i was finally comfortable with having sex in their house after 2 years with this boy) for a week. had i found out while i was there..i would have left. mortified. and stayed somewhere else. and i wish he had told me. if the consequence for my lack of secrecy is that they know what they'd rather not, then I should know what i'd rather not too, as a consequence of their overriding concern for my ethics. if they would be upset, somehow, that i was embarassed enough to decline their hospitality...then they can be upset. i can't say this right, but something immportant was kept from me for my own good, sort of. and revealed to me when my reaction would not upset anyone important . and i hate that. i feel conspired against to save their family harmony. which would have recovered if the dirty, corrupting, possibly-harming-their-son-sexually-by-posting-dirty-things-without-his-consent person had quietly left WITH MAYBE A SMIDGE OF DIGNITY. i may be more embarassed having tra-la-la-ed around their house all unawares of major, awkward TMI. bad call for interfering mom? yes, but i concede that she had a good reason (for asking, not for burdening herself with filthy details). bad call, boyfriend, for covering up for them? yes, but again, a good reason...maybe. but i feel completely circumvented...denied my choice to be angry, or embarassed, or explain (god help me), or to attempt to salvage some face/dignity, or question anyone else's actions. specifically the actions of a person who apparently jumped in with both feet to question mine.
i don't think i have cried about this yet. i am quite frustrated, insulted and hurt. and of course that is in no way anybody else's fault, because this journal is public, and apparently easily found and linked to me.
oh and they were sweet as pie, but something was different in the way they treated me, looked at me.
while on vacation, my boy mentioned to me that this journal would pop up on google if someone searched my first name. uh-oh! must protect the innocent! so i changed that, and for the record, i've googled my name and i never get this page, maybe i was having a high hits day or whatever. upon returning home, he told me why. his parents have read this journal.
What. The. Fuck.
i'm totally at fault here, let me just get that out of the way; before i examine some of the details here that bug me.
his father found it first. read one entry having to do with sharpies and thought "oh! thats what this is, i don't want to read any more of this." for whatever reasons: ew, privacy, ew, boredom, i don't know. he knows it exists, my bad, as it is public. He has no interest in it, except the interest he shares with the Mom, which i will get to. he informed his wife. who read...a great deal more. why?
my lover's previous lover once tried to tell his mother how kinky he was (it was news to his gf at the time i guess) and she was all "AAAAA! I don't want to know anything about it." ok. once, he pulled my arms back in a stretch in front of her (there was a bruise on my arm, and my shoulders are terrifyingly flexible) and she was all "Don't do that to her in front of me! i don't want to know about that!" cuz she kinda knew, you see. soooo you don't want to know. were you being brave? steeling yourself and sacrificing your comfort to protect your son? I'll buy that.
they let him know that they had found his really older gf's dirty journal, starring their son~ and provided the details of the experience that i have here. maybe more. to what end? they wanted to make sure I had his consent to post sex stuff. I do. but she didn't need to explore much to determine that it was time to alert her boy to possible treachery.
I'm not pleased that they would assume that I didn't have his consent, or consider it a good enough possibility (or risk to him) to a) read on. b) discuss it with him.
as i explore this situation i feel lots of things. horny is quite unreachable in the present context, which kinda makes me not come here when thinking sexy.
I feel: shock, anger, shame, outrage, judged, judgemental, defensive, very, very sorry, and on good days; the tiniest flash of wicked amusement.
these are the most permissive parents i have ever ever seen. they let their under 18 son's gf (was she over 18?) spend the night in his bed in their house time and time again. asked him politely to ask her to not scream so loudly while they fucked. alongside the ew i have for that mental image (i have listened to her fuck someone i used to live with...so ew.) i have discovered a conservative streak in my psyche that says "wrong!" mostly because his younger sister loathed having to listen to that twit night after night, and for closet republican reasons i guess too. maybe outright envy, as i had no such permissiveness and had to break into abandoned buildings to fuck. but somehow the present situation does not...fit...with the climate of libertarian parenting. I'm sure they knew his ex's parents would have had her castrated if they knew she was no longer a virgin. that she was lying about where she was at night, that all that loud, obvious porn mooing (catty, i know) was totally in violation of her parents wishes. completely without their consent. was she over 18? possibly. but her parents were supporting her, making her rules and curfew, and might have cut it off had they known. so...preferential interference where their kid's consent is involved? sure. but if i could find a constant ethical thread here...i might not keep trying to be angry at her for learning more than she wanted to know about me, us, him.
and... he didn't tell me until after we had stayed in their house (and i was finally comfortable with having sex in their house after 2 years with this boy) for a week. had i found out while i was there..i would have left. mortified. and stayed somewhere else. and i wish he had told me. if the consequence for my lack of secrecy is that they know what they'd rather not, then I should know what i'd rather not too, as a consequence of their overriding concern for my ethics. if they would be upset, somehow, that i was embarassed enough to decline their hospitality...then they can be upset. i can't say this right, but something immportant was kept from me for my own good, sort of. and revealed to me when my reaction would not upset anyone important . and i hate that. i feel conspired against to save their family harmony. which would have recovered if the dirty, corrupting, possibly-harming-their-son-sexually-by-posting-dirty-things-without-his-consent person had quietly left WITH MAYBE A SMIDGE OF DIGNITY. i may be more embarassed having tra-la-la-ed around their house all unawares of major, awkward TMI. bad call for interfering mom? yes, but i concede that she had a good reason (for asking, not for burdening herself with filthy details). bad call, boyfriend, for covering up for them? yes, but again, a good reason...maybe. but i feel completely circumvented...denied my choice to be angry, or embarassed, or explain (god help me), or to attempt to salvage some face/dignity, or question anyone else's actions. specifically the actions of a person who apparently jumped in with both feet to question mine.
i don't think i have cried about this yet. i am quite frustrated, insulted and hurt. and of course that is in no way anybody else's fault, because this journal is public, and apparently easily found and linked to me.
oh and they were sweet as pie, but something was different in the way they treated me, looked at me.