The nervousness was definitely a lot to do with how established you and others were in the fandom, and how I'd been an HP fan forever, but always a lurker in regards to R/S. There's this weird instinctive reactions we artists have to illustrating for and author that makes us tell ourselves that we're being arrogant and presumptuous, to think that you'd want us to have anything to do with your fic, let alone facilitate the lovely fic you write - the fic that gets us through the day...you know? But, after I'd collaborated with a few authors, and talked with some fellow artists, I came to realize that everyone seems to feel inadequate - especially the artists. Because a lot of the fanartists for R/S were behind-the-scene types or spoke English limitedly. That and the disaster known as the R/S Big Bang inspired me to start shaggydog_swap, so that the artists would have to "put-out" upfront, and then the authors would write the stories.
I definitely knew some of your story, from piecing together things you'd told me, etc. I'm really sorry. I do think you're very strong and brave for standing up for yourself and your well-being. I can't help but hate him out of a protective-ness I have for you. And cuz he sounds like he turned out to be a dick. I'm sorry. But I'm also glad, because you're gonna live a much more meaningful life, now that you're on the more-correct path than before.
I'm always doing something in fandom, just differing in which fandom. I left the R/S fandom (unofficially) because I felt that no one else needed more from me/everyone had left. I dunno if you ever saw it, but I posted an R/S song I wrote and recorded called " Moon Song" that I'm really proud of (link: http://mypretty-art.livejournal.com/72765.html). My last straw was the Games, tbh. Just in a sense that none of the other, non-Brighty mods wanted to collaborate with me. To them, my roughest drafts were the final ones, and because of that, they didn't understand. I KNOW you know that it's hard to show people your rough drafts/share your ideas, and I felt degraded a bit (which might help illustrate exactly why I was so grateful that you were accepting of my sketches and preliminary ideas, etc.). So, I just fucked off, lol. But, with 100% sincerity, I will always be willing to collaborate with you, R/S or whatever.
The current fandoms I'm in are Newsies (yes, the 1992 Disney musical, starring a 17-year-old Christian Bale), South Park, and The Book of Mormon (by the guys who made South Park). I also have a semi-successful T-shirt design shop that has HP quotes amongst many others...
Re: my personal situation...I'll preface this with the realisation I had of all this and why I found refuge in R/S instead of confronting myself and making myself examine the lies I was living. I'm gonna keep it short, cuz I'll start crying if I go into detail...
Me (2004) = I'M A LESBIAN
Me (2005) = Move to Europe!
Me (2006) = At music school - Wait, but this guy, who I'm friends with, is, like, basically my soulmate...
Me (2010) = Me and *soulmate* have been living together for 5 years, why have I NEVER wanted to have sex with him?
Me (2011) = Oh yeah, I'm a lesbian /o\
Me (2012) = he doesn't seem to have meant it when he said that he wanted to remain friends. Cue me spiralling from the loss of my closest, bestest friend-of-7-years. He won't respond to my emails and is probably better off, TBH. It's probably for the best... I guess what's heartbreaking about it, is the idea that once sex was off the table, he apparently wanted nothing to do with me. Nevermind the friendship and deep bond we formed over the 7 years of sharing our same lives and our same bed. Sigh.
Sorry for the depressing shit. Please listen to my R/S song, it's super gay and nice and romantic. :DDDDD
I think the reasons you may have perceived me as being well established in R/S is because I cut my fandom teeth in a tiiiiiny ship. I had been given the reins to the main ship community a couple of years after participating (because I posted there a lot and commented on every posted story, yada yada yada, and the current mod was tired of the job of leading nothing). So, with my new shiny community of this ship I was a die hard fan of (and starved of new fic and art for because it really is that tiny) I decided to try hosting a fest and lo to my surprise I got 15-20 submissions. So I kept hosting fests on that comm and people kept submitting. I got to where I loved running fests and it seemed to breath life into the ship. There were fans of the ship out there, just no leadership. So I led, and the lurkers came out with just lovely contributions. To attract new people to the ship I participated in other het fests and wrote Hermione/Sirius stories for these fests and it did work to some degree. I also participated in a weekly drabble community where the members submitted prompt ideas and the mod would pick from the list and put up a new prompt every week. Then one day the comm's mod asked me to take over. She was writing more and more for other ships and fandoms and had lost interest. It was really fun and a lot like running a weekly mini fest. I stayed in that ship longer than I was in R/S to be honest. But after a few years fewer and fewer people were participating in the fests I organized and I had to admit that even though H/S is Sirius' most popular het ship, it was just not worth the effort to try and keep breathing life into it. Also, I had found a huge, bright, shiny new ship with tons of activity. So I handed the reins of both comms to other people and read every piece of R/S fic I could find (and the amount of fic was gloriously endless and the writers simply extraordinarily talented and actual large amounts of stunning fanart. So, when I was ready to begin contributing I signed up for fests and such and joined the ship full throttle. What I had learned in H/S was that all you really have to do is jump in, contribute, comment intelligently on people's work (show some love, because that is what keeps people coming back) and soon I was making friends. I was also in a short time wanting to run my own fests. I saw the types of focused fests other slash ships had and got to work. So even if I had the appearance being so very established, the truth is I wasn't much longer in the ship than you. I was a true BNF in H/S (which isn't really that impressive) but merely an active new comer to R/S.
You are absolutely right about every single author/artist in practically every fandom having that same fear of inadequacy. I would (and still do) read a fic that is so well crafted, so insightful and talented, that I question why anyone would want to read the pale by comparison fic I'm working on and the best thing to do is pack it in and leave it to the experts. We all experience that and we experience it every time we start a new project (or at least I do). There is just simply no reason to think you will be perceived as arrogant or presumptuous if you either feel inspired to create art for a fic you love or express interest in collaborating with an author whose works you admire. It's like getting the very best comment on your work that you have ever gotten. I've had work drawn for three of my fics and the feeling is tremendous. I am sure the feeling is true in reverse but I think it's harder to create fic for art (probably because I'm an author and that is the only perspective I really have on this). When you read a fic you know with no uncertainty what the story is and an artist can create a snapshot of a beloved scene. With art it's far far more uncertain to understand the story the artist had in mind because the possibilities are literally endless. The possibility of totally missing the mark and possibly offending the artist seems to me more likely than unlikely. However, I will concede that perhaps it is just the same feeling of being presumptuous that artists feel. I have seen art I would have loved to write for but was simply too intimated to try.
The thing with me joining the fandom was that, I knew I was good. I know I'm good. I've studied my "craft" long enough (since I was 12) to know that I'm good. So, I wasn't so much afraid of posting my own art, as I was at expecting authors to WANT my art. It's so much easier to post your own stuff and have people find it on their own, than it is to market yourself. And I feel like, as an artist/illustrator, you have to market yourself to writers, much less than write have to market themselves to artists. But I think fans want fic more than art (I know I do!), so you guys don't have to.
And, in addition, I think a lot more artists than writers are foreign/non-english speaking. It's harder to be a writer under those circumstances, but it's also harder to be a confident artist if you're not as confident in English as other native-speakers might be.
What happened with the R/S Big Bang? I participated in bigbangblackout (sadly the fic and art is no longer available at the site (I just looked and was dismayed, I hope I have the art somewhere - thank god I reposted the story it to a Hermione centric site and fanfiction .net) which was a wonderful experience but also exhausting. Generally speaking I can't write 100 words without writing 1000, but I just didn't have another Big Bang in me.
I'm happy to hear that you started a comm to serve the artists desire to get fic and challenge authors. That is wonderful!
It took me seven years to stand up for myself so I'm not sure how strong or brave I was. I was actually just exhausted and couldn't take anymore. I've come a long way from then. Still very leery of relationships and not really willing to let a man close romantically but my shrink assures me that will change over time. I do know one thing, I'm never letting someone become so close, so intertwined with my life that trying to separate it all out just freshens the wounds over and over again. And don't hate him, he's doing that well enough on his own. Instead of his easy going, undemanding, low maintenance best friend he got a shrill, head game playing, 'yes I'm mad and the fact you don't know why just hurts me more - and of course I won't tell you what you did', and frankly unattractive (a 3 at best - I know that's a horrible thing to say but she actively pursued my husband, from Alaska no less, so I really don't care how misogynistic that is) beast of a woman. He and I are now able to talk again in a quasi-friendship kind of way and all I hear is how much he hates himself, how he ruined his life, how adrift he feels in life, that he misses me... I actually pity him. I've never heard someone talk so miserably about their lot in life. I'm doing so much better compared to where I was. I feel free and in control of my own life and on a new path, not struggling to find footing on an old path that no longer has any relevance.
What happened to you with the Games? I'm very confused as to why a mod would need to see your work or assign you someone to collaborate with. I thought artists did their thing independently just like the authors. And authors have their rough sketches as well, it's called an outline. You pick a prompt that appeals to you, brainstorm either with a close friend or in the team community, and then you make an outline. And you can tell which authors use this process and which ones don't. Every fic starts small, an idea and then grows from there, just like sketches that turn into wonderful moving pieces of fanart. If I know Michelle (Brighty) as well as I think I do she would be very unhappy to know that the other moderators were so dismissive. R/S Games is her fandom lovechild and she has taken very strong stands in the past about every one getting a chance to play regardless of unestablished talent, lack of fandom notoriety, or even being unskilled in general. It caused quite a ruckus back in the day and is the reason a few fandom 'stars' from the first golden era refused to participate despite actively writing R/S for other fests. She stands by her principles and is not an exclusionist in any shape or fashion. I'm feeling angry about it myself because no one should feel degraded, especially at R/S Games. Does Brighty know the story from you or what the other mods had to say only?
If you ever want to draw a scene from an old fic of mine, feel free. The only fic I'm currently working on is the one for the games. I was working on it just before I vanished. The outline is solid and and I have roughly 7K written for it. That would be the only collaboration we could work on and we would have to be on the same team and probably select the same prompt. I've already gotten Michelle to put Andrea and I on the same team so I think I've called in all my favors there. We are trying for Team Magic but the fic works for Team Muggle, just not as well. Also, you would need to see the outline and what I have so far. This might not be something you want to touch and I don't blame you. There are some very difficult, brutal, 'real' scenes in it. It's not my typical sexy sex that's also sexy, or a snappy, witty mostly humorous type fic. I'll send you a synopsis, I'm pretty sure I still have your email address.
OMG! I love South Park and every thing Matt and Trey have ever produced. I love the irreverent, no one is safe, 'yeah, we just did that' attitude in everything they do.
And good for you! That's awesome about the T-shirt line! The sentiment on the one you are wearing is balanced nicely by the colorful whimsical style the message is delivered by.
I'm gonna stay vague - I'll go into detail if you wanna email instead publicly comment. Brighty was fine, and she knows all about this. But I wasn't in contact with the whole group of mod/people judging my rough draft content, I had to go through the Brighty-filter, and somethings must've got lost somewhere along the way. I was asked to do the art for the fest - the pimping materials, etc. I did some mock ups/suggestion drawings based off of the theme they'd chosen, and all the other mods got confused, etc. They ended up using another person's art for most of the promotional stuff, and it was a bit of "Oh, I thought we were working on this together, I didn't know I was supposed to be creating a final draft now." and a bit of "This is how I draw, I'm not sure what you expected."
lol, whitmans-kiss writes some dark shit. I'll probably skip it if it's not a happy ending, lol, sorry!
She does write some dark shit doesn't she? On one particular Games fic the only thing between Remus and certain death was me pleaaaading with her that it worked better if he lived. Even now she wonders if it was the right choice.
And I didn't really think you'd want in. I'm not sure I want in. I write smut and humor and the fact that I'm not writing smut and humor is all her fault.
You don't need to tell me what happened. I just know how protective Michelle is over her games. I guess I'm surprised.
I think I might be able to shed some insight on the devastation you felt with your close friend and how it came about. I have a friend who struggled with what I'm going to call 'the male thing'. She wrestled with her sexuality in high school as she came to terms with it. I encouraged her to explore it in college, reinvent herself, find her true North and embrace it fully. By this time she had accepted her orientation for women. So she sets out on her journey to be who she truly is and the first thing she does is get herself a boyfriend. The problem with this of course is that she simply could not deal with his penis, had no desire to do anything with it and it bugged her that he wanted reciprocity. I let this go on for awhile, listening patiently and then one day I realized she wasn't going to draw the obvious conclusion and had a frank, blunt conversation explaining that the boyfriend wasn't the problem. He had every right to be unhappy that she was getting everything she wanted and he wasn't getting much at all in return. I reminded her about the reinvention we spoke about, playing the field she actually wanted to be in, etc,. The relationship ended badly with all parties getting hurt. I now think she learned her lesson finally and soon I will be hearing about wonderful girls she's dating. Then she finds her other half, the person meant to make her whole, her closest friend, who also happens to have a dick. He knows she's a lesbian but it's the same story being played out again only with sexual tension dialed up to eleven. He is in love with her and and she feels that she loves him too. He can't understand why, when everything about their friendship is perfect and the obvious next step is right in front of them, they aren't taking it. She questions her sexuality at which point I very graphically explain all (and I do mean ALL) the things he wants to do with his penis with her. Reality check successful. Mostly. She realized they couldn't be friends because for him she was a fixed point he couldn't look away from. He had no chance of finding the love and happiness he wanted unless she sent him away. He was a douchebag about it in the end and all parties walked away with fresh deep scars. They were both idiots on that one.
The thing about men is that they like the chase. It's exciting for them, and unless they are told bluntly with no wiggle room AT ALL they will find reasons to hope, and sometimes even the bluntness is no deterrent. They are also (generally) sexually more aggressive than women, bolder, willing to act with risk in their pursuit. If they think they have you and have a deep emotional connection to you they are willing to patiently (sort of) wait it out.
My guess? Your soulmate was deeply in love with you, you were living together and therefore 'his', and he felt his loss as deeply as you did, but for him you were never friends. You were much much more to him (even if he never said so, none of us enjoys rejection) and when reality finally sunk in it just hurt too much to be around you. You were never really his, his deep investment in the relationship was... in a sense, wasted, because he was never going to have what he's been patiently pursuing. In my experience men don't forgo dating other women and give all their attention and focus to just one woman unless they are working toward something they want. He may have felt played or betrayed or whatever he needed to emotionally distance himself from his pain. But that's just me guessing with the facts at hand and having seen similar situations played out in front of me. If I am right or partially right I have to say he really is kind of dense. Seven years without his reward of having you become his beloved? That's kinda... I don't know. But then again I've seen guys hang on longer with much less to go on. The song you recorded about your experience was lovely and I am sorry that this had to happen for you.
Yeah, I mean, the thing is, I know him SO well, that I know there are only a few specific reasons why he'd drop all contact from me. Some of what you said could apply, but he's, 100%, the opposite of an asshole. And I know he couldn't drop contact with me lightly, so I wonder what it was.
I definitely knew some of your story, from piecing together things you'd told me, etc. I'm really sorry. I do think you're very strong and brave for standing up for yourself and your well-being. I can't help but hate him out of a protective-ness I have for you. And cuz he sounds like he turned out to be a dick. I'm sorry. But I'm also glad, because you're gonna live a much more meaningful life, now that you're on the more-correct path than before.
I'm always doing something in fandom, just differing in which fandom. I left the R/S fandom (unofficially) because I felt that no one else needed more from me/everyone had left. I dunno if you ever saw it, but I posted an R/S song I wrote and recorded called " Moon Song" that I'm really proud of (link: http://mypretty-art.livejournal.com/72765.html). My last straw was the Games, tbh. Just in a sense that none of the other, non-Brighty mods wanted to collaborate with me. To them, my roughest drafts were the final ones, and because of that, they didn't understand. I KNOW you know that it's hard to show people your rough drafts/share your ideas, and I felt degraded a bit (which might help illustrate exactly why I was so grateful that you were accepting of my sketches and preliminary ideas, etc.). So, I just fucked off, lol. But, with 100% sincerity, I will always be willing to collaborate with you, R/S or whatever.
The current fandoms I'm in are Newsies (yes, the 1992 Disney musical, starring a 17-year-old Christian Bale), South Park, and The Book of Mormon (by the guys who made South Park). I also have a semi-successful T-shirt design shop that has HP quotes amongst many others...
HERE (hp-e.org). :D
Re: my personal situation...I'll preface this with the realisation I had of all this and why I found refuge in R/S instead of confronting myself and making myself examine the lies I was living. I'm gonna keep it short, cuz I'll start crying if I go into detail...
Me (2004) = I'M A LESBIAN
Me (2005) = Move to Europe!
Me (2006) = At music school - Wait, but this guy, who I'm friends with, is, like, basically my soulmate...
Me (2010) = Me and *soulmate* have been living together for 5 years, why have I NEVER wanted to have sex with him?
Me (2011) = Oh yeah, I'm a lesbian /o\
Me (2012) = he doesn't seem to have meant it when he said that he wanted to remain friends. Cue me spiralling from the loss of my closest, bestest friend-of-7-years. He won't respond to my emails and is probably better off, TBH. It's probably for the best... I guess what's heartbreaking about it, is the idea that once sex was off the table, he apparently wanted nothing to do with me. Nevermind the friendship and deep bond we formed over the 7 years of sharing our same lives and our same bed. Sigh.
Sorry for the depressing shit. Please listen to my R/S song, it's super gay and nice and romantic. :DDDDD
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You are absolutely right about every single author/artist in practically every fandom having that same fear of inadequacy. I would (and still do) read a fic that is so well crafted, so insightful and talented, that I question why anyone would want to read the pale by comparison fic I'm working on and the best thing to do is pack it in and leave it to the experts. We all experience that and we experience it every time we start a new project (or at least I do). There is just simply no reason to think you will be perceived as arrogant or presumptuous if you either feel inspired to create art for a fic you love or express interest in collaborating with an author whose works you admire. It's like getting the very best comment on your work that you have ever gotten. I've had work drawn for three of my fics and the feeling is tremendous. I am sure the feeling is true in reverse but I think it's harder to create fic for art (probably because I'm an author and that is the only perspective I really have on this). When you read a fic you know with no uncertainty what the story is and an artist can create a snapshot of a beloved scene. With art it's far far more uncertain to understand the story the artist had in mind because the possibilities are literally endless. The possibility of totally missing the mark and possibly offending the artist seems to me more likely than unlikely. However, I will concede that perhaps it is just the same feeling of being presumptuous that artists feel. I have seen art I would have loved to write for but was simply too intimated to try.
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And, in addition, I think a lot more artists than writers are foreign/non-english speaking. It's harder to be a writer under those circumstances, but it's also harder to be a confident artist if you're not as confident in English as other native-speakers might be.
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I'm happy to hear that you started a comm to serve the artists desire to get fic and challenge authors. That is wonderful!
It took me seven years to stand up for myself so I'm not sure how strong or brave I was. I was actually just exhausted and couldn't take anymore. I've come a long way from then. Still very leery of relationships and not really willing to let a man close romantically but my shrink assures me that will change over time. I do know one thing, I'm never letting someone become so close, so intertwined with my life that trying to separate it all out just freshens the wounds over and over again. And don't hate him, he's doing that well enough on his own. Instead of his easy going, undemanding, low maintenance best friend he got a shrill, head game playing, 'yes I'm mad and the fact you don't know why just hurts me more - and of course I won't tell you what you did', and frankly unattractive (a 3 at best - I know that's a horrible thing to say but she actively pursued my husband, from Alaska no less, so I really don't care how misogynistic that is) beast of a woman. He and I are now able to talk again in a quasi-friendship kind of way and all I hear is how much he hates himself, how he ruined his life, how adrift he feels in life, that he misses me... I actually pity him. I've never heard someone talk so miserably about their lot in life. I'm doing so much better compared to where I was. I feel free and in control of my own life and on a new path, not struggling to find footing on an old path that no longer has any relevance.
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If you ever want to draw a scene from an old fic of mine, feel free. The only fic I'm currently working on is the one for the games. I was working on it just before I vanished. The outline is solid and and I have roughly 7K written for it. That would be the only collaboration we could work on and we would have to be on the same team and probably select the same prompt. I've already gotten Michelle to put Andrea and I on the same team so I think I've called in all my favors there. We are trying for Team Magic but the fic works for Team Muggle, just not as well. Also, you would need to see the outline and what I have so far. This might not be something you want to touch and I don't blame you. There are some very difficult, brutal, 'real' scenes in it. It's not my typical sexy sex that's also sexy, or a snappy, witty mostly humorous type fic. I'll send you a synopsis, I'm pretty sure I still have your email address.
OMG! I love South Park and every thing Matt and Trey have ever produced. I love the irreverent, no one is safe, 'yeah, we just did that' attitude in everything they do.
And good for you! That's awesome about the T-shirt line! The sentiment on the one you are wearing is balanced nicely by the colorful whimsical style the message is delivered by.
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I'm gonna stay vague - I'll go into detail if you wanna email instead publicly comment. Brighty was fine, and she knows all about this. But I wasn't in contact with the whole group of mod/people judging my rough draft content, I had to go through the Brighty-filter, and somethings must've got lost somewhere along the way. I was asked to do the art for the fest - the pimping materials, etc. I did some mock ups/suggestion drawings based off of the theme they'd chosen, and all the other mods got confused, etc. They ended up using another person's art for most of the promotional stuff, and it was a bit of "Oh, I thought we were working on this together, I didn't know I was supposed to be creating a final draft now." and a bit of "This is how I draw, I'm not sure what you expected."
lol, whitmans-kiss writes some dark shit. I'll probably skip it if it's not a happy ending, lol, sorry!
:D I love my t-shirts!
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And I didn't really think you'd want in. I'm not sure I want in. I write smut and humor and the fact that I'm not writing smut and humor is all her fault.
You don't need to tell me what happened. I just know how protective Michelle is over her games. I guess I'm surprised.
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The thing about men is that they like the chase. It's exciting for them, and unless they are told bluntly with no wiggle room AT ALL they will find reasons to hope, and sometimes even the bluntness is no deterrent. They are also (generally) sexually more aggressive than women, bolder, willing to act with risk in their pursuit. If they think they have you and have a deep emotional connection to you they are willing to patiently (sort of) wait it out.
My guess? Your soulmate was deeply in love with you, you were living together and therefore 'his', and he felt his loss as deeply as you did, but for him you were never friends. You were much much more to him (even if he never said so, none of us enjoys rejection) and when reality finally sunk in it just hurt too much to be around you. You were never really his, his deep investment in the relationship was... in a sense, wasted, because he was never going to have what he's been patiently pursuing. In my experience men don't forgo dating other women and give all their attention and focus to just one woman unless they are working toward something they want. He may have felt played or betrayed or whatever he needed to emotionally distance himself from his pain. But that's just me guessing with the facts at hand and having seen similar situations played out in front of me. If I am right or partially right I have to say he really is kind of dense. Seven years without his reward of having you become his beloved? That's kinda... I don't know. But then again I've seen guys hang on longer with much less to go on. The song you recorded about your experience was lovely and I am sorry that this had to happen for you.
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