(no subject)
I miss my blood sister Zelda.
I miss my soul sister Jasmin.
I miss my soul-jah sister, Ridley.
I miss my warrior sister, Mica.
I miss my earth sisters, Amanda & Treza.
I miss my Violet sister, Nicole.
I miss my brother, Lee.
I miss my dirty hippy of a brother, Rainbow Trout.
I miss my brother in law, Kurt.
I miss my blood brother, Anthony.
I miss my brother, Matty-head.
I miss my best friend, Leo. :[
I miss this person called Cina too.
It*s been so weird lately. Just the way those plates underneath the surface of the ground move, and that*s how earthquakes occur... And you don*t realize that your stance in life moves along with those plates, and you always find yourself in a new day, in a new point of time, somewhere new.
I find myself closing inwards.
I don*t feel comfortable to be myself anymore.
I did this at home, I was a complete recluse,
yet in the outside world, i*d just spread out my wings, and fly~
And then I*d make sure to stuff my wings back into hiding, and strain through another day until I decided to take my life back.
I almost think I*m just unstimulated.
I don*t go to school.
I don*t have a job.
I could*ve gone out today with Stephanie or Kurt; except I don*t feel comfortable around either of them anymore. I just don*t have the energy to deal with people anymore.
I *AM* falling apart. My body is full of infection, and confusion. I*m dealing with everything else outside of me, and putting my own temple on the back burner.
I cry out of the unfamiliarity of my own body.
How I*m so used to being told what to think and what to believe--
When I am sick, and when I am not.
And when I am acting like a dramatic baby, and nothing*s wrong;
That I don*t know what actually goes on inside of my body, and I don*t say anything usually until it gets really bad.--
I*d rather stay home and be happy in my own presence.
There*s really no people out here to connect and conversate with. I mean, I do have friends I*ve met through Leo... But it*s not the same, you know? That*s why I miss Jasmin so fucking much. I have never related to anybody else on such a relaxed and casual level. I can sit there and talk to her about our spirituality, trivial shit like Lori NUMBER 2!--our ex neighbor/pet bull dog,we can talk about academics, politics, and even sex.
And then there*s Nicole, who lives inside my head, and knows what I*m trying to say, and says it for me.
Bah. It*s like, unless you want a piece of the action, a piece of drama; don*t look to holding any relationships whatsoever in the Ingrown Empire--Which I don*t want :/ I talked to my mom on the phone today and everything was okay, except I felt irked when she basically told me that I*m outcasted from the family. And then Leo and Kurt went off and spent whatever hours they have before work together, and I sat at home with Puppy and Mike. And just from talking to my mom.. I picked up the energy from her, and when I got upset, I chose to be a little bitchy and make it known that I was hurt. Like in my mind, I was telling myself *Well, whatever, I'll go lie in bed for the whole day [which I did end up doing because of puppy]; I know you*re hurt Cina, let*s just think about things, and try to cool off.*--Yet my body was like, *Nope, I'm inches within setting the world on fire, just to be able to breathe as Cina for a second.*
I know I came off as being a punk today; I am still having the hardest time with my emotions. Yet I know for a fact that I*m handling my life on my shoulders, a lot better than others are at the time... When I become offended and get upset, weepy eyed, and sad... I just want to be left alone--Why? Because I am used to attempting to try and communicate what is bothering me, and I have suuuuccch a hard time with not releasing frustration out through crying, and I just can*t speak! It*s like I*m on an overload.--And then whomever I*m speaking with gets irritated because I*m taking too long, or I*m being a little baby and they don*t want to talk to a baby--And geez, I just shut down. :/ So anyways I was upset because I don*t spend time with Leo anymore. I don*t see him at all when he comes home, I*m tired, I have the baby on my hip; he*s tired, he wants to relax, and have leo time. Everything conflicts--I find myself so frustrated with seeing him deal with his Migraines, or such and such at work/in the community, or dealing with my ridiculous family, or dealing with something trivial like "Who's fault is it that the kitchen is dirty"--I cry a lot now.
I almost want to give up on trying to spend time with him, and just wait until Fate lets it happen. It seriously seems like such a fight, if it*s not me yearning to spend time with him, it*s me trying to isolate myself because all I do is upset people. I don*t even spend time with myself anymore. I don*t have the time to connect with Cina, to do what Cina likes, and to just be Cina.-- I don*t have any preferrences anymore. I just do whatever anybody else does, because it*s the easiest. And to relate this to everything else, when I get upset, I don*t want to make it any worse thanks to me getting offended in the first place; and I want it to be over and done with: Simple as pie, Cina goes that way, and (insert name) goes that way, and we cool off, and later we can talk. I*ve just lifeless. And that*s why I am so restless. And I can imagine my Chi is way the heck grimy, caked with the fog I put myself in just to deal with the pain my parents were sending my way... And it*s about time I get some newspaper and some Windex, and do some spring cleaning. [i.e. eating nutmeg] Not to mention my external self has been through hell and back, growing to take care a baby, and then having to have Koyote cut out of me... :/
Through all of this crazy talk though, I am figuring a lot of things out inside that think-tank of mine. I*m feeling a lot of sadness... Yet I*m feeling a lot of relief.
I guess, all I*m saying, is why can*t I just be?
Instead of writing in my live journal,
tears making my vision worse then it already is.
Wishing and hoping for just someone to talk to...
I think I*m going to go lay next to puppy
I miss my soul sister Jasmin.
I miss my soul-jah sister, Ridley.
I miss my warrior sister, Mica.
I miss my earth sisters, Amanda & Treza.
I miss my Violet sister, Nicole.
I miss my brother, Lee.
I miss my dirty hippy of a brother, Rainbow Trout.
I miss my brother in law, Kurt.
I miss my blood brother, Anthony.
I miss my brother, Matty-head.
I miss my best friend, Leo. :[
I miss this person called Cina too.
It*s been so weird lately. Just the way those plates underneath the surface of the ground move, and that*s how earthquakes occur... And you don*t realize that your stance in life moves along with those plates, and you always find yourself in a new day, in a new point of time, somewhere new.
I find myself closing inwards.
I don*t feel comfortable to be myself anymore.
I did this at home, I was a complete recluse,
yet in the outside world, i*d just spread out my wings, and fly~
And then I*d make sure to stuff my wings back into hiding, and strain through another day until I decided to take my life back.
I almost think I*m just unstimulated.
I don*t go to school.
I don*t have a job.
I could*ve gone out today with Stephanie or Kurt; except I don*t feel comfortable around either of them anymore. I just don*t have the energy to deal with people anymore.
I *AM* falling apart. My body is full of infection, and confusion. I*m dealing with everything else outside of me, and putting my own temple on the back burner.
I cry out of the unfamiliarity of my own body.
How I*m so used to being told what to think and what to believe--
When I am sick, and when I am not.
And when I am acting like a dramatic baby, and nothing*s wrong;
That I don*t know what actually goes on inside of my body, and I don*t say anything usually until it gets really bad.--
I*d rather stay home and be happy in my own presence.
There*s really no people out here to connect and conversate with. I mean, I do have friends I*ve met through Leo... But it*s not the same, you know? That*s why I miss Jasmin so fucking much. I have never related to anybody else on such a relaxed and casual level. I can sit there and talk to her about our spirituality, trivial shit like Lori NUMBER 2!--our ex neighbor/pet bull dog,we can talk about academics, politics, and even sex.
And then there*s Nicole, who lives inside my head, and knows what I*m trying to say, and says it for me.
Bah. It*s like, unless you want a piece of the action, a piece of drama; don*t look to holding any relationships whatsoever in the Ingrown Empire--Which I don*t want :/ I talked to my mom on the phone today and everything was okay, except I felt irked when she basically told me that I*m outcasted from the family. And then Leo and Kurt went off and spent whatever hours they have before work together, and I sat at home with Puppy and Mike. And just from talking to my mom.. I picked up the energy from her, and when I got upset, I chose to be a little bitchy and make it known that I was hurt. Like in my mind, I was telling myself *Well, whatever, I'll go lie in bed for the whole day [which I did end up doing because of puppy]; I know you*re hurt Cina, let*s just think about things, and try to cool off.*--Yet my body was like, *Nope, I'm inches within setting the world on fire, just to be able to breathe as Cina for a second.*
I know I came off as being a punk today; I am still having the hardest time with my emotions. Yet I know for a fact that I*m handling my life on my shoulders, a lot better than others are at the time... When I become offended and get upset, weepy eyed, and sad... I just want to be left alone--Why? Because I am used to attempting to try and communicate what is bothering me, and I have suuuuccch a hard time with not releasing frustration out through crying, and I just can*t speak! It*s like I*m on an overload.--And then whomever I*m speaking with gets irritated because I*m taking too long, or I*m being a little baby and they don*t want to talk to a baby--And geez, I just shut down. :/ So anyways I was upset because I don*t spend time with Leo anymore. I don*t see him at all when he comes home, I*m tired, I have the baby on my hip; he*s tired, he wants to relax, and have leo time. Everything conflicts--I find myself so frustrated with seeing him deal with his Migraines, or such and such at work/in the community, or dealing with my ridiculous family, or dealing with something trivial like "Who's fault is it that the kitchen is dirty"--I cry a lot now.
I almost want to give up on trying to spend time with him, and just wait until Fate lets it happen. It seriously seems like such a fight, if it*s not me yearning to spend time with him, it*s me trying to isolate myself because all I do is upset people. I don*t even spend time with myself anymore. I don*t have the time to connect with Cina, to do what Cina likes, and to just be Cina.-- I don*t have any preferrences anymore. I just do whatever anybody else does, because it*s the easiest. And to relate this to everything else, when I get upset, I don*t want to make it any worse thanks to me getting offended in the first place; and I want it to be over and done with: Simple as pie, Cina goes that way, and (insert name) goes that way, and we cool off, and later we can talk. I*ve just lifeless. And that*s why I am so restless. And I can imagine my Chi is way the heck grimy, caked with the fog I put myself in just to deal with the pain my parents were sending my way... And it*s about time I get some newspaper and some Windex, and do some spring cleaning. [i.e. eating nutmeg] Not to mention my external self has been through hell and back, growing to take care a baby, and then having to have Koyote cut out of me... :/
Through all of this crazy talk though, I am figuring a lot of things out inside that think-tank of mine. I*m feeling a lot of sadness... Yet I*m feeling a lot of relief.
I guess, all I*m saying, is why can*t I just be?
Instead of writing in my live journal,
tears making my vision worse then it already is.
Wishing and hoping for just someone to talk to...
I think I*m going to go lay next to puppy