(no subject)
What a weird week it has been.
It hasn*t even felt like a week actually, our family*s still in the process of adjusting to Dad*s new work schedule. Puppy now wakes at 6 am to play and re-engergize before sleeping from 8am to 3pm. It*ll be a lot more smoother once the living room gets back to order, and Koyote and I will be able to lay on the ground and watch Barney, or whatever.
My dad just called. I *hate* answering Restricted/Unavailable numbers. He sounded okay... Like everything is all good, which could be in part due to my mother babysitting Matthew in Florida.
After the email that was addressed to our household last night, I did a lot of thinking.--Not that I haven*t already, concerning whatever cloud hangs over our friendship it seems. :( It*s really sad, I almost feel like I am back at my parents' now, when I try to log into my live journal and just *vent* and *talk* about things I am so confused about, or that just need to let go. If anyone*s confused at what I*m talking about; I wrote a journal entry a few days ago about Bi-polarity. About myself, and our blood/legal family, about how I too use it as an excuse to be so down about Danny blowing off doing my hair, that there are huge dread/knots in it at the moment. Or about the job situation, or learning to drive a car, I was in the mode to go out and conquer all of my fears, yet I let something as trivial as my outer self bring it all down. :/ I really appreciate Mary and, especially Stephanie so much. Those girls dragged me out to the Vagina Monologues, which unearthed hidden issues I had within myself.--Which I splayed out slowly but surely getting it out of my system, and then I finally make a direct journal entry and *WHAM!* Out of nowhere comes this whirlwind of negative energy threatening our household. I don*t know what to say really :/ Because a part of me knew as I was writing my thoughts out, that it was going to touch some people out there that are in the same boat as I am.--Yet it was intended for my personal expression, because I have a few probs, I need to work the kinks out of :/. And to round it back to the reason why I feel like livejournal*s turned into my old Winter Rose (Aka peptobismal pink) bedroom, is because now I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth, might get me in trouble. Except this time around, me getting in trouble is the same as my words being used as a platform for another theatrical drawn out performance of miscommunication. :/
What bothers me the most, is that I now find myself spewing nothing but the toxicity of drama from my mouth. And I*ve been doing a good job of being the optimist for the past month, but it just went *WHAM* and I slipped back into that hopelessness hole, and thank goodness for Stephanie and Sara today...Because I caught myself in mid-flow, specifically after I got off the phone with Trout, and I apologize to whomever had to put up with my mouth. :/ I *SHOULD* be aware of what*s going in and out of my body, and more importantly what I*m putting out to the world. I*m aware and I*m hyper sensitive of what goes *in* to my body, I should be consciencely aware of what I put *out* of my body, and into other atmospheres.--Ya know what I*m sayin'?!? *head nod* :)
I*ve been really hard on myself for the past few months about my body, my sexuality--Just everything on that outer core. I don*t know why; I think my mom implanted some seed inside my spine that whispers "I*ll be failing my duty as a wife if I 'let myself go' and drive my husband away." :( I don*t feel like I deserve Leo each day, as time passes on and I see him in all of his beauty, and then there*s me: black bootylicious post partum wifey, with the knots in her hair, with the unplucked eyebrows because it hurts too much, and then my worn body.
Worn from carrying Koyote for 9 months.
Worn from the Cesarean Section, and all 12 Percosets given to me each day at the hospital, and then the bottle I was sent home with afterwards.
Worn from our family in Olympia cutting into my flesh with their words.
Worn from Jeanette molesting me.
Worn from Tim raping me.
Worn from being looked at as a sex object. *vibes with amanda and ridley*<3
I realllllllllllly don*t like looking at myself anymore. It just all went down hill.
It*s now worse since I*m on my period, *WHOOPIE! I thought I wasn't going to see you for maybe a year, and here you are 8 months early :P* I don*t even want to leave the house because I feel like I*m offending the world because my body is flushing a home for a potential Koyote 2 or lil Aaliyah, and it is NATURAL--YET people make it feel that the blood pouring out from that haven between your legs, is so VILE, and OFFENSIVE; yeah I know it*s messy, gross, and very aromatic. *Haha*--But it*s my body, *being*. Just being. So why am I supposed to feel like I just killed someone,or that because I have one that means I must objectify myself as a walking piece of ass.--Just because I have a vagina!! I don*t know, but until the Vagina Monologues I never retraced a few issues I have at hand, could be related to good ol' Gertie. I probably don*t dress up anymore when we go anywhere because any time I do, I get some creep making me want to curl into a little ball and die; blaming myself for the invasion of my individuality, when it*s not my fault for who I am. I find myself hating myself because of what my society has done to my southern gateway. :/ And that*s not cool. I*ve ascended upwards and beyond the internal damage being raped, and abused; but now my skin and my outer body feels like it*s rotting, and it*s starting to seep in.. :/ On top of everything, being sick and having infected fluid drain from my tubes out of my body, has hindered me to socialize and talk a lot, even to my own husband. :/ Because I feel rank with the infection that swims through my body, and I just don*t feel like bothering anyone. *sigh*.
I really appreciate lee, amanda, and ridley for busting out with me about our darn bodies. It*s so extremely taboo to discuss sexuality, discuss our bodily members that have to do with sex, or anything that rages against the White Man*s proper thought. =) My love goes out to the three of you always.
And I think I*m going to let leo get on here and do his thing. I :P need to be snappier about getting my thoughts together to put onto here.
It hasn*t even felt like a week actually, our family*s still in the process of adjusting to Dad*s new work schedule. Puppy now wakes at 6 am to play and re-engergize before sleeping from 8am to 3pm. It*ll be a lot more smoother once the living room gets back to order, and Koyote and I will be able to lay on the ground and watch Barney, or whatever.
My dad just called. I *hate* answering Restricted/Unavailable numbers. He sounded okay... Like everything is all good, which could be in part due to my mother babysitting Matthew in Florida.
After the email that was addressed to our household last night, I did a lot of thinking.--Not that I haven*t already, concerning whatever cloud hangs over our friendship it seems. :( It*s really sad, I almost feel like I am back at my parents' now, when I try to log into my live journal and just *vent* and *talk* about things I am so confused about, or that just need to let go. If anyone*s confused at what I*m talking about; I wrote a journal entry a few days ago about Bi-polarity. About myself, and our blood/legal family, about how I too use it as an excuse to be so down about Danny blowing off doing my hair, that there are huge dread/knots in it at the moment. Or about the job situation, or learning to drive a car, I was in the mode to go out and conquer all of my fears, yet I let something as trivial as my outer self bring it all down. :/ I really appreciate Mary and, especially Stephanie so much. Those girls dragged me out to the Vagina Monologues, which unearthed hidden issues I had within myself.--Which I splayed out slowly but surely getting it out of my system, and then I finally make a direct journal entry and *WHAM!* Out of nowhere comes this whirlwind of negative energy threatening our household. I don*t know what to say really :/ Because a part of me knew as I was writing my thoughts out, that it was going to touch some people out there that are in the same boat as I am.--Yet it was intended for my personal expression, because I have a few probs, I need to work the kinks out of :/. And to round it back to the reason why I feel like livejournal*s turned into my old Winter Rose (Aka peptobismal pink) bedroom, is because now I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth, might get me in trouble. Except this time around, me getting in trouble is the same as my words being used as a platform for another theatrical drawn out performance of miscommunication. :/
What bothers me the most, is that I now find myself spewing nothing but the toxicity of drama from my mouth. And I*ve been doing a good job of being the optimist for the past month, but it just went *WHAM* and I slipped back into that hopelessness hole, and thank goodness for Stephanie and Sara today...Because I caught myself in mid-flow, specifically after I got off the phone with Trout, and I apologize to whomever had to put up with my mouth. :/ I *SHOULD* be aware of what*s going in and out of my body, and more importantly what I*m putting out to the world. I*m aware and I*m hyper sensitive of what goes *in* to my body, I should be consciencely aware of what I put *out* of my body, and into other atmospheres.--Ya know what I*m sayin'?!? *head nod* :)
I*ve been really hard on myself for the past few months about my body, my sexuality--Just everything on that outer core. I don*t know why; I think my mom implanted some seed inside my spine that whispers "I*ll be failing my duty as a wife if I 'let myself go' and drive my husband away." :( I don*t feel like I deserve Leo each day, as time passes on and I see him in all of his beauty, and then there*s me: black bootylicious post partum wifey, with the knots in her hair, with the unplucked eyebrows because it hurts too much, and then my worn body.
Worn from carrying Koyote for 9 months.
Worn from the Cesarean Section, and all 12 Percosets given to me each day at the hospital, and then the bottle I was sent home with afterwards.
Worn from our family in Olympia cutting into my flesh with their words.
Worn from Jeanette molesting me.
Worn from Tim raping me.
Worn from being looked at as a sex object. *vibes with amanda and ridley*<3
I realllllllllllly don*t like looking at myself anymore. It just all went down hill.
It*s now worse since I*m on my period, *WHOOPIE! I thought I wasn't going to see you for maybe a year, and here you are 8 months early :P* I don*t even want to leave the house because I feel like I*m offending the world because my body is flushing a home for a potential Koyote 2 or lil Aaliyah, and it is NATURAL--YET people make it feel that the blood pouring out from that haven between your legs, is so VILE, and OFFENSIVE; yeah I know it*s messy, gross, and very aromatic. *Haha*--But it*s my body, *being*. Just being. So why am I supposed to feel like I just killed someone,or that because I have one that means I must objectify myself as a walking piece of ass.--Just because I have a vagina!! I don*t know, but until the Vagina Monologues I never retraced a few issues I have at hand, could be related to good ol' Gertie. I probably don*t dress up anymore when we go anywhere because any time I do, I get some creep making me want to curl into a little ball and die; blaming myself for the invasion of my individuality, when it*s not my fault for who I am. I find myself hating myself because of what my society has done to my southern gateway. :/ And that*s not cool. I*ve ascended upwards and beyond the internal damage being raped, and abused; but now my skin and my outer body feels like it*s rotting, and it*s starting to seep in.. :/ On top of everything, being sick and having infected fluid drain from my tubes out of my body, has hindered me to socialize and talk a lot, even to my own husband. :/ Because I feel rank with the infection that swims through my body, and I just don*t feel like bothering anyone. *sigh*.
I really appreciate lee, amanda, and ridley for busting out with me about our darn bodies. It*s so extremely taboo to discuss sexuality, discuss our bodily members that have to do with sex, or anything that rages against the White Man*s proper thought. =) My love goes out to the three of you always.
And I think I*m going to let leo get on here and do his thing. I :P need to be snappier about getting my thoughts together to put onto here.