A New Beginning, A Reason For Living, A Deeper Meaning

Jul 27, 2004 23:17

i fucked up. i honestly did. i wish i could see that even more cuz right now i still have no regret for what i've done. i did realize that i did what someone else did to me, something that hurt me very deeply and if it wasn't hurt it was extreme rage i felt. it was betrayal. pure and simple. and for reasons, superficial and very true as well, i betrayed someone. its kinda funny that the person who hurt me is the one who made me realize that i did what he did. and there's no apologies for that. there's nothing i can say that will take back what i did or even make me wish i hadn't. i'm sorry i needed to see it from the other side. i wanted to pay back the one who hurt me, i wanted him to be put in the position of naiviety and show him what its like. but i got things wrong. and i hurt someone else. someone who didn't deserve to get caught in my life.

on top of all this everything will turn out for the best. zak and i are over. it has to be. we'll still be friends. best case scenario. or not. im really afraid of losing him and i know you don't understand it. but ive gotta let go its gone on for too long. there's something else out there.

maybe ive even found something else already. so sean i think you're an absolutely fantastic guy. and i'm pretty sure you thought i was absolutely fantastic as well. i can't ask you to think that i still am and i don't want you too. i just want you to realize that i know how stupid i was to not think about your feelings. i shouldn't have fogotten and i'm willing to promise that as of right now i'll will never for get about your feelings again.

until the sky falls down on me.............

jessica ~ i absolutely love you. thank you so much for not judging me and realizing that i was going through a hard time. it means the world to me taht you wanted to help me and give me advice.

lisa & sally ~ you guys mean the world to me. you've been there since the beginning and you don't understand. that's ok with me. i'm past the point of trying to show you. i don't think you'd understand unless you'd been in the situation. and even then it'd still be different. but i do appreciate you being brutally honest with me and showing me my faults. it is my life and decisions are mine to make and maybe i still need people like you to show you the errors of my ways. so thanks. i value every word you've said. though as much as we'd like it doesn't change a thing.

and in the end this is a love story. its about realizing that people do love me. and for that i am eternally greatful. because i have learned to or fallen in love with all of you. you guys are all a part of my life. and that you want to be is the best gift you could ever give me. i know a lot of people are sad right now. but i'm not going to be. things or in the wise words of fro "shit happens" and it will keep happening. and i'll be damned if i let anything stop me from life, my life, the way i want it.

so i know a song that goes
*Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
With someone you shouldn't fall in love
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith*
and thing is no, i haven't. i may think i have, i may have been in bad relationships, but love is never bad. it's too pure and raw and real. love is the only thing thats really worth it in the end cuz its the only thing you can take with you. and i want to have a lot of it in my life and my afterlife.

and then i knew this book that went something like.
"it was a love story. i thought it was going to last forever. it was the biggest adventure of my life, you know. i liked being in love. its like giving a part of yourself away. Love is forever! yeah, well, i don't believe that any more. its somthing that happens to you, like anything else. it starts and then it stops. being an addict...now THAT lasts forever. like theys said in the in the detox centre, once an addict, always an addict. you don't dare take the stuff again no matter how safe you feel. which is a pity really cause [my drug] is instant love. To love another person you have to feel safe, you have to be ready for it; it's not easy."
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