Disarm you with a smile and leave you like they left me here.
I've realized tonight that I'm so nonchalant about everything...including relationships...because I fear allowing others to see me hurt. I thought that being nonchalant...just going with the flow..was the right way to go. I feel like being pressed is unattractive but I've come to realize that I'm just too easy going and that makes people think that I don't care. I do care I just don't want people to know it. I think all of this traces directly back to my father. My mom would always ask me if it bothered me that my dad up and left Alicia and I for almost 10 years. Throughout it I always said I didn't care. As a fucking seven year old I was hiding my emotional state from my mother! I dunno what trained me to be this way but I'd really like to end it. I just don't know how to be vulnerable.