Mayfly - (Oneshot 1/1) - AoixUruhaxRuki
Title: Mayfly
Chapters: Oneshot (1/1)
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life
Warnings: scenes that are not suitable for very young audience, haha XD
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: AoixUruha, RukixUruha,
Summary: a short-lived love story
Comments: I think this is a too random post of mine.
"Until now, I always wondered if there was a point to a relationship which failed. I wondered if something which disappears and something that never happened was the same thing."
Spring symbolizes new beginnings.
But to me, it doesn’t feel that way at all.
Just like these cherry blossoms falling one by one, my time is lapsing without any focus and grasp.
Like this spring; nothing began and nothing changed.
I’ve thought so.
Yes, until that day…
We were standing at that bridge. You were gazing at the river beneath us extending your hand to catch the falling petals showering us. That moment was whimsical, just like in dramas, you’ve captured my heart. You let go of the cherry blossoms with a curve on your lips. Unknowingly, you paralyzed my body after you’ve turned your gaze on me and innocently walked towards me.
“Udooooonn!”
“Eh, udon? Wait, Ruki… Hang on a sec…”
As if it was destined, as if it was permanent, I’ll never have the things I really want. You looked at me with that warm expression on your face. Your smiling face pierced me as our distance grew apart.
I wanted to hold your hand.
“Eeeeeehhh? You could have told me Aoi!” Ruki took a sip on his udon.
“You see, I’ve always see that person on that bridge and when I was… you came and pulled me for what? For this udon!” Aoi checked his wallet and whispered, “I even thought I could finally ask his name but now… I don’t even have money to…”
“Ah, so what college are you into by the way?”
“College? Anywhere would be fine as long as I become an architect like everyone wants me to. How about you?”
Ruki answered him calmly, “I won’t be going anywhere. I just want to be… a singer.”
Aoi looked down, he knew that like him, everyone expects too much to his friend. It’s just that Ruki has the courage to rebut the flow, to chase the person he always wanted to be, “I see. Do your best.”
“Thank you.”
For his sake, if I was the “good friend” everyone thought I am, I should have said, “Oh you should go into this BRILLIANT university and get a GOOD job for the future. Your parents would be so proud of you.” But even knowing how tough would be his future I just went with a reply, “Aaaah I see. Do your best then.” I might be the worst but I just wanted to support him. I envied him honestly. He’s special yet he stands for himself. “Thank you,” he said. If I could just describe how happy his smile was, I’m sure everyone would let him do whatever he wanted for himself.
“Bastard!” Kai hit Ruki’s head. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop making my restaurant a receiving mailbox?”
“Tsk! You know I can’t have it sent on my house. I’ll be dead before I received this.”
“What’s in it, Kai?”
“Ah Aoi, you see this chibi-monster post this in front of my restaurant!”
“Super Guitarist Audition, huh?” Aoi was surprised.
“Ah huh, ah huh, so everyone’s sending me this sample tape…”
“But none of them was good enough,” Ruki had a mellow expression.
“Sorry Kai for disturbing you once in a while.”
“We’re friends so I’m okay with it and you’re the one who’s paying for your meals unlike….”
Streak of guitar chords resonated into their ears.
And it was good.
“Who was it?” Ruki frenetically tried to recover the envelope he clumsily threw and discarded. “Takashima Uruha…”
“Ah, that spaced out looking man? He just transferred at the apartment next door.”
Almost unconsciously, Ruki ran outside like a mad murderer tracing its victim. Ruki could be so excited sometimes and Aoi couldn’t help to worry. He followed him and climbed the third floor of an old apartment, knocking successively before a familiar face opened the door.
“I like you! I like you so much!”
Uruha tried to break the tight embraced, “I’m sorry but…” he was like he was about to cry.
“Stop it Ruki, you’re scaring him!” Aoi blushed feeling irritated and annoyed.
“Ah I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Ruki slightly calmed. “You have such a talent. I… let’s make music together, okay?”
“Mu…sic?”
“Ah band, band I mean. You sent this tape right?”
“Ye...s, is it… good?”
“It’s wonderful,” Ruki cupped the other’s face.
That was the first time I heard his voice.
Hearing the voice I yearned for, my heart somehow ached a little.
I was so close to him, but for some reason, he seemed very far away.
But it wasn’t Ruki’s fault. I was the one who chose to keep myself in a shell, unable to grow, unable to free himself.
“Hey, you’re here again.”
“A…Aoi-san…”
“Your composition…” Aoi momentarily bit his lips. “I’m glad I heard it first before I came to talk to you. Aaah, I play guitar too by the way and…”
“Really?” Uruha’s eyes widened. “Ah I’m sorry if I got too excited…”
“Ah but you’re far better than me. And honestly… it’s been a while since my soul was moved like that. Every note was just… so powerful like it echoed…” Aoi raised his gaze to match the other’s eyes. “It echoed inside me. I’m happy I see that side of you…”
“Thank you Aoi-san. I… really like this place. When I’m here, I got to see a lot of people. They were smiling like they were living their life to the fullest. I can only feel that when I’m holding my guitar. But when I’m playing it,
I can really feel that I’m alive.”
I wanted to stop the time, to stop the petals from falling, the river from flowing, and our sparkling smile from fading. I wonder if there would be a day that I could finally take a grasp on your hand. Your face, I wanted to touch it, to bring your body close to mine, and kiss…
“Oooiii~ Aoooiiii!” Ruki’s eyes were stupidly sparkling.
“YOU…” Aoi didn’t want to look at him.
“Ah, did I miss something?” Ruki stupidly asked. “I’m sorry Aoi, we couldn’t spend enough time to play these past few days…”
“I DON’T want to PLAY with you Ruki.”
“Ah, you’re too cruel, considering you’re my best friend! I thought you’ve missed me!” Ruki pouted. “But it’s okay, I’m happy I could spend more time with Ururu…”
“Ururu, what the…”
Seeing Ruki held his hands, I’ve felt something broke inside of me.
“You…”
“Ah why?” Ruki swayed his hand together with Uruha.
“Ruki-san, my… my hand…”
“What? I’m just holding it. It’s not like I’m gay or… Aaaah!” Ruki remembered Aoi’s secret. “You’re jealous! Hey hey Uru, do you know Aoi like…”
“Aaaah! Guitar! Guitar! I’ve told him already!”
I don’t have anything that I want to desperately feel nor do I have something that I want to obtain so badly that I would cry. But this moment, I happened to realize one meaningful thing. I already found something that worth a million diamonds that I couldn’t let my hands go.
“Ruki-san, this part, how do you want me to…”
“Just do it with your style, okay?”
“But I… I don’t want to ruin… your song…”
“You…” Ruki sat beside him on the bed. “Pressured?”
Uruha could only look down, tracing the floor. “I’m… sorry.”
“Stupid. Didn’t I tell you, just play it like how you want it?”
“But…”
“I! No matter what, I always do the things I really wanted to do. I can’t let anybody control me because… it’s my life right? I’m the one living it. That’s why, just by deciding how it will go, to what direction will it travel, I think I’ve already touched its essence. I want you to do the same. When you made you first song, did you think of anyone else Uru?”
“It just came out… the notes… my fingers just played how I am feeling that moment.”
“That’s right. When you’re reading at my lyrics what are you feeling? What do you think at the moment?”
“Love… Ah wait wait…” Uruha started playing a romantic melody. “And this should be…”
Ruki randomly kissed him that left Uruha stunned for the moment.
Ruki’s hands ran to the other’s back, tracing his fingers to the other’s spine. Slowly, he took the guitar off from the other’s lap and let him lie on the bed.
“I’m coming in Uruha, where are you?” Aoi saw what he wasn’t supposed to.
Immediately he ran, he was shivering, terribly trembling, unable to comprehend what he just saw. But it was real right, Ruki and Uruha on the same bed? They’re doing it right? I… that night, I wanted to ask Uruha to come with me to see the fireworks. But… my feelings… won’t be able to reach him.
“It would be great if at least these fireworks last forever or even until the day the pain in my heart disappears and I’m able to smile about this.”
“New York, Dad wanted you to study in America and help him with our business.”
“Rei-niisan… I…”
“Didn’t want to go? I figured that out already Ruki but you see, Dad wants me to bring you no matter what.”
Ruki shook his head, “Uh-uh, I want to go… to New York.”
“E…eh? Well, that’s good and he wants you to depart as soon as possible… the flight… the flight is today.”
Ruki burst out of laughter, “To… today? I really wonder what’s happening inside our father’s head. Rei-niisan I have a favor… can… can I see someone before I go?”
The truth is Reita felt a slight fear to let his brother leave for few hours. He wasn’t sure if he’ll come back. Ruki always have that type of freedom allowing him to do the things he wanted but that moment, Reita felt that light shined more and he knew that person was the one who changed him.
Ruki saw Uruha stressed out trying to compose a new song.
“Yo, how are you?”
“Ru…Ruki-san…”
“You’ve been so exhausted lately. You stopped composing when I’m around. Are you alright?”
“That night…”
“I’m sorry Uruha. We shouldn’t do this.”
“That night, I really wanted to forget it but instead of forgetting, I can’t take it out of my mind. Even when I shut my eyes, or plugged my ears, when I’m alone, I thought of you no matter what. So… if I don’t face it at least once, I think this would last forever. If I keep running away because I’m scared, I won’t be able to play again. I… like you Ruki-san.”
“I… I plan on becoming a professional musician in the future. I… I know someday people will get tired of listening to my songs but… I still wanted them to hear me. And that dream grew bigger because of you. Since the day you’ve came into my life, thanks to you… I feel that I really have to accomplish that.”
Ruki leaned down and hastily lay down a kiss on Uruha’s lips.
“Takashima Uruha! You can become a pro as well. So work hard on your songs, okay? Make another song that will move me. You and I… will always be BANDMATES.”
Ruki smiled and left. At that half-empty apartment, Uruha was left with only his tears. He couldn’t understand why it hurt so much like he was about to break. He let his body fall in the bed, trying to sniff the left scent of the man few days ago. It didn’t happen. He should be happy, right? He’s a man so if it continued he’ll be in a great problem, right? But, he wondered why he missed being cuddled the way Ruki did to him.
“I… I’m going to New York Aoi,” Ruki’s plane was about to depart when he called Aoi.
“NEW… NEW YORK? You, Uruha… What do you think you’re doing?”
“Eh, Ururu?” Ruki smirked. “It’s not like we’re together or something.”
“BUT YOU DID IT, DIDN’T YOU?”
“E…eh? Nothing happened, how can you even think that? Ah, you saw us!” Ruki paused for a while. “I’m sorry Aoi… even knowing you like him so much… Confess to him already!”
“But… you know he has feelings for…”
“Hey Aoi, let’s remain friends, okay?” Ruki cut the conversation.
Aoi immediately run to inform Uruha.
“Uruha, Ruki… Ruki’s going to America! Here, call him. I know you could stop him.”
Uruha didn’t turn to Aoi.
“I want him… to leave. I want him to do his best. I want him to do as much as he wants.”
What Ruki left Uruha is something I could never give to him no matter how close I am to him or no matter how hard I try. It isn’t something expensive or extra-ordinary valuables but Uruha… definitely accepted it and started moving forward. It would’ve been better for him to stay depressed. It would’ve been better for him to cry in my arms while saying, “I don’t want him to go.”
Ringgg… Riiinnngggg.
A year passed like it was a day.
Ringgg… Riiinnngggg.
“6:29… Who the fuck is going to call at this early in the morning! Hello, the fuck do you want?”
“I… I’m sorry!”
“U… Uruha? No, no, I… I’m sorry, it’s not you… there’s…. there’s this pest here so…” Aoi panickly went up. “How… how are you?”
“I… cooked so much… that’s why… do you want to eat with me?”
“Ah sure sure… Ee…eh? Eat… with… you? I’ll be there! I’ll be there! Wait for me, okay?”
“Um-um…”
It’s been a while like this. Uruha often lie just to have me come to his house. Since then, he’s afraid to be alone. I wonder if it pained him to remember someone who moved on without him. Seeing him at the distance even just between his slightly opened door, makes me think what’s more difficult: crying for something you’ve lost or crying for something you’ve never obtained.
Without him knowing, I often see him weep on his guitar. He keeps on pretending to be strong in front of others but the way I know his weakness, I know how much he’s suffering.
“It’s impossible… I can’t… I can’t compose anymore!” Uruha cried.
I wonder what I was doing.
I was just staring, and I didn’t even try to stretch my hand. I was scared of the result, and couldn’t take a single step forward. I was jealously watching the paths that the two of them decided to walk. By saying that I was different from everyone else, I was making an excuse to myself. I was afraid of being hurt.
Aoi pulled Uruha closer to his body and tightly wrapped his arms around him.
“A… Aoi…”
Slightly they pulled apart. Looking at each other, Aoi couldn’t help but to kiss those lips.
“I like you! Uruha, I love you so much.”
I wanted to say it no matter what. I couldn’t bring myself to say it all along. But the words uncontrollably sprung from my mouth.
Passionately, they kissed again. Mouth-to-mouth they slowly moved inside the bedroom, neglecting the hot omelet and bacon. Aoi sat and pulled Uruha above him still tracing their tongues to one another. His hand tightly run to the other’s bottom and pull him more aggressively. He pulled his shirt suggesting Uruha to move his hand towards his body. The other did so. Uruha could feel Aoi’s arousal between his legs as he stretched it wider above him. Having their clothes on, Aoi will momentarily rub his errection towards Uruha.
“Nnn…” Uruha moaned, slightly intoxicated with lust.
“I like you so much. Go out with me.”
Uruha seemed to regain his consciousness. “Aoi, I’m sorry, this is wrong… I…” He distanced himself to the other.
“Ruki, it is... right?
“Aoi-san, I… I’m still dwelling on my feelings for Ruki-san. When I remind myself Ruki is no longer here anymore, I become even more depressed. I really can’t get over it the way I thought I would be able to.”
“I…see…”
“I don’t think it’s right for me to see you with these thoughts.”
“I… I understand.” Uruha was surprised with Aoi’s reply. “I understand. Ah, I have to go now…”
Aoi went out of his apartment.
For some reason, it pained Uruha. He was not disappointed or something, it just plainly hurt him, seeing Aoi left him. He walked a little closer to the door and noticed a shadow below it. Uruha immediately opened and saw Aoi still standing outside facing him.
“I… really like you Uruha. Honestly… it’s painful to see you dragging Ruki along… all the time. But you know that’s not the kind of problem you can solve by being alone. So, let’s stay together… until you found your music again…”
Tears dripped down from both of their eyes. Aoi held his hand and eat breakfast together. They smiled once again being the good friends they were. It continued for couple of days. They sometimes play guitar with each other. There are times when Uruha would visit Aoi’s university. He really pursued to study architecture. He might not have any purpose but at least he wasn’t as lost as he was before. Aoi would sometimes prioritize playing guitar with Uruha more than his studies but it’s his way to support him. Step-by-step he’ll soon find his own map with his special one next to him.
“Kai… Long time no see…”
Sound of broken plates rang.
“Ru…Ruki…”
“Oi, oi! They’re falling!” He burst out of laughter. “So how was it? Do I look cool?”
“I thought you’re dead…”
Ruki laughed harder, “Are you a death god? Don’t go off proclaiming other’s dead, stupid!”
“Have… have a sit… welcome back…”
“Kai… I… I have this thing I’ve been asking myself even before I left… For instance… you found a cook greater than you and you really loved her food, will you… is there by any chance that you could fall in love with that person?”
“Ah?”
“I mean… with just their talent… do you think you could fall in love with a person?”
“I… I think you can… in everything a person do, hmmm… for instance, through his music…”
“Eee… eeh?”
“Just shut up! Every artist put their emotions towards that composition that’s why if you like it, doesn’t that mean you already like one part of that person? Just like how you did with Uruha…”
“YOU! I’m not talking about…” Ruki smiled. “Is that really true?”
Aoi and Uruha suddenly came in.
“Ruki…” Aoi could only utter looking at the frozen guy next to him.
“I… I just realized something amazing, Aoi!” Ruki ran and hugged him. “I…like Takashima Uruha.”
Aoi wished Uruha didn't hear such words. He didn’t shiver when he heard Ruki uttered the words he was so afraid of. Perhaps, he already knew. It’s just that he let himself believe that somewhere along the way, he and Uruha was possible to be meant for each other. He wasn’t ready for it, to end something that hasn’t started yet.
Aoi could only stare to Uruha’s calm expression.
“I went to New York because of you. I… I was scared,” Ruki walked towards him. “I started to enjoy being with you. Every day became more exciting and interesting that I came to doubt myself. I wanted to be better and better for you… I love…”
“Ruki-san, I… too… really did enjoy being with you to the point that it became a safe zone for me. But that time, after you left I thought, “If I don’t work harder, Ruki-san won’t acknowledge me anymore.” That’s why, please stop worrying about me,” Uruha smiled. “I won’t say things like “I like you” again. I fought with my feelings that time and I was able to overcome it. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would have come this far. So, I’m okay now. Because the two of us are… bandmates, right?”
I was looking at Ruki’s expression that time. He smiled and said, “Ah, you’re right.”
But you see, it hurts.
Ruki’s expression hurt me. It was excruciating that I couldn’t look at him but in spite of that I was a little bit happy. I thought “Oh no, Uruha would end up clinging back to him.” I thought it was over and that slight happiness made me guilty even more.
We went to the beach after to celebrate Ruki’s come back. Honestly, it felt too awkward. Kai and Reita were there cooking barbeque. And us? Yeah, having a campfire, me, Ruki and Uruha in the middle.
What was it that you said back then? Those words which didn’t reach me now dance in the heavens. Although I know it very well, I continue to make a wish that will never come true.
Uruha sang. It was the first song he made after Ruki’s departure. Ruki looked somewhere far away but you know he’s listening.
“Ah, I’ll go get some beer,” Aoi left.
“You… became better, didn’t you?” Ruki brushed Uruha’s hair. “Hey, I wanted to give this to you on your birthday but I couldn’t send it from New York. I… I would just hurry back home if I did.”
Uruha opened the box and saw a guitar pick, “Ruki-san…”
Ruki held hands with Uruha and locked his lips towards the other.
Ruki sang.
Love and dreams and the last train and everything that’s mixed up with it, as we chase it, you said “It hurts” when I gripped your hand. Love and dreams and your tearful voice were my life’s everything. I was looking in your eyes, yes it’s true, but I could never say it.
“I love you,” Ruki whispered.
Aoi came and gave the two a cup of beer, “The barbeque was…”
“Ah, I’ll eat for a while!” Ruki ran.
“Did I… interrupt something?”
Tears drifted along Uruha’s cheeks.
“Ru…ki…”
He stood up, my words wouldn’t reach him. The one he wanted to be with, the one he wished that have stayed, it wasn’t me. Calling and calling Ruki’s name, his body moved on its own following the path the other made. He accidentally fell something and went straight to the fire. It was… a guitar pick, isn’t it?
“Ah!” Uruha hastily tried to pick it up.
“Stop it! You’re burning yourself.”
“Let me go! My… gift…”
“Stop it Uruha! Ruki! Ruki!”
It took some time before we reached the hospital. I didn’t know what happened between them that made Uruha act like that. The injury must be too severe.
“The patient had suffered a fourth degree burn. From your story, it was too unbelievable that the patient did this to himself. The damage was too fatal that it already affected the underlying muscles and nerves on his right hand…”
“But the nerves… they can be repaired right?” Ruki asked.
“He almost cooked himself… to be honest… I even doubt if he could still feel his…”
“You’re… lying, right?”
“Ruki stop it…” Aoi tried to break Ruki’s gripped from the doctor.
“Don’t you understand Aoi? Uruha… he… he will die if he couldn’t play his guitar anymore!”
“I… I wouldn’t be… able to play… anymore?” Uruha ran.
Ruki fell on his knees.
“Uruha!” Aoi ran and looked for him.
He went up and ran with no direction, looking for every corner. Ruki completely understood him the way he wouldn’t be able to. A year he has been with him, even now he couldn’t still recognized Uruha’s true feelings. He was strong. Even without him or Ruki, Uruha could survive but without his guitar… he couldn’t imagine how Uruha would start picking up the crushed pieces of him.
The sound of opening door slightly creaked on the hospital’s rooftop but Uruha seemed to be deaf to noticed until a pair of arms were wrapped across his body.
“Ruki-san, I… I want to make songs that will make you happy again. If I…” Uruha cried. “If I can’t play anymore… I… I…”
Ruki move Uruha’s body closer to him burying the other on his chest.
“You don’t have to play anymore. You don’t have to make songs anymore… as long as we’re together, right?” Ruki cupped his face.
“Stay with me forever.”
Uruha’s arms moved towards Ruki’s body.
Aoi was behind the door quietly gazing at the scene he was too late for, quietly crying for the serious damage that beat him. He smiled. It might be the right time for him to give up.
During the spring almost two years ago, we met in a place which seemed like a miracle. I was happy just being with him. But even though he was right in front of me, the way I couldn't reach my hand out was always irritating. The person I was, telling myself that I could never obtain it and staying quiet while doing nothing, always made me angry. The thing that made me realized this was Uruha's love. The person who pushed the cowardly person that I was, was Uruha's strength. Until now, I always wondered if there was a point to a relationship which failed. I wondered if something which disappears and something that never happened was the same thing. But... now I understand that there was a meaning to it. Because I met Uruha, the person I am today is here now. The day that everything will turn into memories will eventually come. However, I will probably remember the priceless time we spent together. And now, I can proudly believe that I'm...
I'm glad to have met you.
A/N: Eh? What happened? I'm sleepy. Pardon me for grammars. Tee-hee.
Chapters: Oneshot (1/1)
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life
Warnings: scenes that are not suitable for very young audience, haha XD
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: AoixUruha, RukixUruha,
Summary: a short-lived love story
Comments: I think this is a too random post of mine.
"Until now, I always wondered if there was a point to a relationship which failed. I wondered if something which disappears and something that never happened was the same thing."
Spring symbolizes new beginnings.
But to me, it doesn’t feel that way at all.
Just like these cherry blossoms falling one by one, my time is lapsing without any focus and grasp.
Like this spring; nothing began and nothing changed.
I’ve thought so.
Yes, until that day…
We were standing at that bridge. You were gazing at the river beneath us extending your hand to catch the falling petals showering us. That moment was whimsical, just like in dramas, you’ve captured my heart. You let go of the cherry blossoms with a curve on your lips. Unknowingly, you paralyzed my body after you’ve turned your gaze on me and innocently walked towards me.
“Udooooonn!”
“Eh, udon? Wait, Ruki… Hang on a sec…”
As if it was destined, as if it was permanent, I’ll never have the things I really want. You looked at me with that warm expression on your face. Your smiling face pierced me as our distance grew apart.
I wanted to hold your hand.
“Eeeeeehhh? You could have told me Aoi!” Ruki took a sip on his udon.
“You see, I’ve always see that person on that bridge and when I was… you came and pulled me for what? For this udon!” Aoi checked his wallet and whispered, “I even thought I could finally ask his name but now… I don’t even have money to…”
“Ah, so what college are you into by the way?”
“College? Anywhere would be fine as long as I become an architect like everyone wants me to. How about you?”
Ruki answered him calmly, “I won’t be going anywhere. I just want to be… a singer.”
Aoi looked down, he knew that like him, everyone expects too much to his friend. It’s just that Ruki has the courage to rebut the flow, to chase the person he always wanted to be, “I see. Do your best.”
“Thank you.”
For his sake, if I was the “good friend” everyone thought I am, I should have said, “Oh you should go into this BRILLIANT university and get a GOOD job for the future. Your parents would be so proud of you.” But even knowing how tough would be his future I just went with a reply, “Aaaah I see. Do your best then.” I might be the worst but I just wanted to support him. I envied him honestly. He’s special yet he stands for himself. “Thank you,” he said. If I could just describe how happy his smile was, I’m sure everyone would let him do whatever he wanted for himself.
“Bastard!” Kai hit Ruki’s head. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop making my restaurant a receiving mailbox?”
“Tsk! You know I can’t have it sent on my house. I’ll be dead before I received this.”
“What’s in it, Kai?”
“Ah Aoi, you see this chibi-monster post this in front of my restaurant!”
“Super Guitarist Audition, huh?” Aoi was surprised.
“Ah huh, ah huh, so everyone’s sending me this sample tape…”
“But none of them was good enough,” Ruki had a mellow expression.
“Sorry Kai for disturbing you once in a while.”
“We’re friends so I’m okay with it and you’re the one who’s paying for your meals unlike….”
Streak of guitar chords resonated into their ears.
And it was good.
“Who was it?” Ruki frenetically tried to recover the envelope he clumsily threw and discarded. “Takashima Uruha…”
“Ah, that spaced out looking man? He just transferred at the apartment next door.”
Almost unconsciously, Ruki ran outside like a mad murderer tracing its victim. Ruki could be so excited sometimes and Aoi couldn’t help to worry. He followed him and climbed the third floor of an old apartment, knocking successively before a familiar face opened the door.
“I like you! I like you so much!”
Uruha tried to break the tight embraced, “I’m sorry but…” he was like he was about to cry.
“Stop it Ruki, you’re scaring him!” Aoi blushed feeling irritated and annoyed.
“Ah I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Ruki slightly calmed. “You have such a talent. I… let’s make music together, okay?”
“Mu…sic?”
“Ah band, band I mean. You sent this tape right?”
“Ye...s, is it… good?”
“It’s wonderful,” Ruki cupped the other’s face.
That was the first time I heard his voice.
Hearing the voice I yearned for, my heart somehow ached a little.
I was so close to him, but for some reason, he seemed very far away.
But it wasn’t Ruki’s fault. I was the one who chose to keep myself in a shell, unable to grow, unable to free himself.
“Hey, you’re here again.”
“A…Aoi-san…”
“Your composition…” Aoi momentarily bit his lips. “I’m glad I heard it first before I came to talk to you. Aaah, I play guitar too by the way and…”
“Really?” Uruha’s eyes widened. “Ah I’m sorry if I got too excited…”
“Ah but you’re far better than me. And honestly… it’s been a while since my soul was moved like that. Every note was just… so powerful like it echoed…” Aoi raised his gaze to match the other’s eyes. “It echoed inside me. I’m happy I see that side of you…”
“Thank you Aoi-san. I… really like this place. When I’m here, I got to see a lot of people. They were smiling like they were living their life to the fullest. I can only feel that when I’m holding my guitar. But when I’m playing it,
I can really feel that I’m alive.”
I wanted to stop the time, to stop the petals from falling, the river from flowing, and our sparkling smile from fading. I wonder if there would be a day that I could finally take a grasp on your hand. Your face, I wanted to touch it, to bring your body close to mine, and kiss…
“Oooiii~ Aoooiiii!” Ruki’s eyes were stupidly sparkling.
“YOU…” Aoi didn’t want to look at him.
“Ah, did I miss something?” Ruki stupidly asked. “I’m sorry Aoi, we couldn’t spend enough time to play these past few days…”
“I DON’T want to PLAY with you Ruki.”
“Ah, you’re too cruel, considering you’re my best friend! I thought you’ve missed me!” Ruki pouted. “But it’s okay, I’m happy I could spend more time with Ururu…”
“Ururu, what the…”
Seeing Ruki held his hands, I’ve felt something broke inside of me.
“You…”
“Ah why?” Ruki swayed his hand together with Uruha.
“Ruki-san, my… my hand…”
“What? I’m just holding it. It’s not like I’m gay or… Aaaah!” Ruki remembered Aoi’s secret. “You’re jealous! Hey hey Uru, do you know Aoi like…”
“Aaaah! Guitar! Guitar! I’ve told him already!”
I don’t have anything that I want to desperately feel nor do I have something that I want to obtain so badly that I would cry. But this moment, I happened to realize one meaningful thing. I already found something that worth a million diamonds that I couldn’t let my hands go.
“Ruki-san, this part, how do you want me to…”
“Just do it with your style, okay?”
“But I… I don’t want to ruin… your song…”
“You…” Ruki sat beside him on the bed. “Pressured?”
Uruha could only look down, tracing the floor. “I’m… sorry.”
“Stupid. Didn’t I tell you, just play it like how you want it?”
“But…”
“I! No matter what, I always do the things I really wanted to do. I can’t let anybody control me because… it’s my life right? I’m the one living it. That’s why, just by deciding how it will go, to what direction will it travel, I think I’ve already touched its essence. I want you to do the same. When you made you first song, did you think of anyone else Uru?”
“It just came out… the notes… my fingers just played how I am feeling that moment.”
“That’s right. When you’re reading at my lyrics what are you feeling? What do you think at the moment?”
“Love… Ah wait wait…” Uruha started playing a romantic melody. “And this should be…”
Ruki randomly kissed him that left Uruha stunned for the moment.
Ruki’s hands ran to the other’s back, tracing his fingers to the other’s spine. Slowly, he took the guitar off from the other’s lap and let him lie on the bed.
“I’m coming in Uruha, where are you?” Aoi saw what he wasn’t supposed to.
Immediately he ran, he was shivering, terribly trembling, unable to comprehend what he just saw. But it was real right, Ruki and Uruha on the same bed? They’re doing it right? I… that night, I wanted to ask Uruha to come with me to see the fireworks. But… my feelings… won’t be able to reach him.
“It would be great if at least these fireworks last forever or even until the day the pain in my heart disappears and I’m able to smile about this.”
“New York, Dad wanted you to study in America and help him with our business.”
“Rei-niisan… I…”
“Didn’t want to go? I figured that out already Ruki but you see, Dad wants me to bring you no matter what.”
Ruki shook his head, “Uh-uh, I want to go… to New York.”
“E…eh? Well, that’s good and he wants you to depart as soon as possible… the flight… the flight is today.”
Ruki burst out of laughter, “To… today? I really wonder what’s happening inside our father’s head. Rei-niisan I have a favor… can… can I see someone before I go?”
The truth is Reita felt a slight fear to let his brother leave for few hours. He wasn’t sure if he’ll come back. Ruki always have that type of freedom allowing him to do the things he wanted but that moment, Reita felt that light shined more and he knew that person was the one who changed him.
Ruki saw Uruha stressed out trying to compose a new song.
“Yo, how are you?”
“Ru…Ruki-san…”
“You’ve been so exhausted lately. You stopped composing when I’m around. Are you alright?”
“That night…”
“I’m sorry Uruha. We shouldn’t do this.”
“That night, I really wanted to forget it but instead of forgetting, I can’t take it out of my mind. Even when I shut my eyes, or plugged my ears, when I’m alone, I thought of you no matter what. So… if I don’t face it at least once, I think this would last forever. If I keep running away because I’m scared, I won’t be able to play again. I… like you Ruki-san.”
“I… I plan on becoming a professional musician in the future. I… I know someday people will get tired of listening to my songs but… I still wanted them to hear me. And that dream grew bigger because of you. Since the day you’ve came into my life, thanks to you… I feel that I really have to accomplish that.”
Ruki leaned down and hastily lay down a kiss on Uruha’s lips.
“Takashima Uruha! You can become a pro as well. So work hard on your songs, okay? Make another song that will move me. You and I… will always be BANDMATES.”
Ruki smiled and left. At that half-empty apartment, Uruha was left with only his tears. He couldn’t understand why it hurt so much like he was about to break. He let his body fall in the bed, trying to sniff the left scent of the man few days ago. It didn’t happen. He should be happy, right? He’s a man so if it continued he’ll be in a great problem, right? But, he wondered why he missed being cuddled the way Ruki did to him.
“I… I’m going to New York Aoi,” Ruki’s plane was about to depart when he called Aoi.
“NEW… NEW YORK? You, Uruha… What do you think you’re doing?”
“Eh, Ururu?” Ruki smirked. “It’s not like we’re together or something.”
“BUT YOU DID IT, DIDN’T YOU?”
“E…eh? Nothing happened, how can you even think that? Ah, you saw us!” Ruki paused for a while. “I’m sorry Aoi… even knowing you like him so much… Confess to him already!”
“But… you know he has feelings for…”
“Hey Aoi, let’s remain friends, okay?” Ruki cut the conversation.
Aoi immediately run to inform Uruha.
“Uruha, Ruki… Ruki’s going to America! Here, call him. I know you could stop him.”
Uruha didn’t turn to Aoi.
“I want him… to leave. I want him to do his best. I want him to do as much as he wants.”
What Ruki left Uruha is something I could never give to him no matter how close I am to him or no matter how hard I try. It isn’t something expensive or extra-ordinary valuables but Uruha… definitely accepted it and started moving forward. It would’ve been better for him to stay depressed. It would’ve been better for him to cry in my arms while saying, “I don’t want him to go.”
Ringgg… Riiinnngggg.
A year passed like it was a day.
Ringgg… Riiinnngggg.
“6:29… Who the fuck is going to call at this early in the morning! Hello, the fuck do you want?”
“I… I’m sorry!”
“U… Uruha? No, no, I… I’m sorry, it’s not you… there’s…. there’s this pest here so…” Aoi panickly went up. “How… how are you?”
“I… cooked so much… that’s why… do you want to eat with me?”
“Ah sure sure… Ee…eh? Eat… with… you? I’ll be there! I’ll be there! Wait for me, okay?”
“Um-um…”
It’s been a while like this. Uruha often lie just to have me come to his house. Since then, he’s afraid to be alone. I wonder if it pained him to remember someone who moved on without him. Seeing him at the distance even just between his slightly opened door, makes me think what’s more difficult: crying for something you’ve lost or crying for something you’ve never obtained.
Without him knowing, I often see him weep on his guitar. He keeps on pretending to be strong in front of others but the way I know his weakness, I know how much he’s suffering.
“It’s impossible… I can’t… I can’t compose anymore!” Uruha cried.
I wonder what I was doing.
I was just staring, and I didn’t even try to stretch my hand. I was scared of the result, and couldn’t take a single step forward. I was jealously watching the paths that the two of them decided to walk. By saying that I was different from everyone else, I was making an excuse to myself. I was afraid of being hurt.
Aoi pulled Uruha closer to his body and tightly wrapped his arms around him.
“A… Aoi…”
Slightly they pulled apart. Looking at each other, Aoi couldn’t help but to kiss those lips.
“I like you! Uruha, I love you so much.”
I wanted to say it no matter what. I couldn’t bring myself to say it all along. But the words uncontrollably sprung from my mouth.
Passionately, they kissed again. Mouth-to-mouth they slowly moved inside the bedroom, neglecting the hot omelet and bacon. Aoi sat and pulled Uruha above him still tracing their tongues to one another. His hand tightly run to the other’s bottom and pull him more aggressively. He pulled his shirt suggesting Uruha to move his hand towards his body. The other did so. Uruha could feel Aoi’s arousal between his legs as he stretched it wider above him. Having their clothes on, Aoi will momentarily rub his errection towards Uruha.
“Nnn…” Uruha moaned, slightly intoxicated with lust.
“I like you so much. Go out with me.”
Uruha seemed to regain his consciousness. “Aoi, I’m sorry, this is wrong… I…” He distanced himself to the other.
“Ruki, it is... right?
“Aoi-san, I… I’m still dwelling on my feelings for Ruki-san. When I remind myself Ruki is no longer here anymore, I become even more depressed. I really can’t get over it the way I thought I would be able to.”
“I…see…”
“I don’t think it’s right for me to see you with these thoughts.”
“I… I understand.” Uruha was surprised with Aoi’s reply. “I understand. Ah, I have to go now…”
Aoi went out of his apartment.
For some reason, it pained Uruha. He was not disappointed or something, it just plainly hurt him, seeing Aoi left him. He walked a little closer to the door and noticed a shadow below it. Uruha immediately opened and saw Aoi still standing outside facing him.
“I… really like you Uruha. Honestly… it’s painful to see you dragging Ruki along… all the time. But you know that’s not the kind of problem you can solve by being alone. So, let’s stay together… until you found your music again…”
Tears dripped down from both of their eyes. Aoi held his hand and eat breakfast together. They smiled once again being the good friends they were. It continued for couple of days. They sometimes play guitar with each other. There are times when Uruha would visit Aoi’s university. He really pursued to study architecture. He might not have any purpose but at least he wasn’t as lost as he was before. Aoi would sometimes prioritize playing guitar with Uruha more than his studies but it’s his way to support him. Step-by-step he’ll soon find his own map with his special one next to him.
“Kai… Long time no see…”
Sound of broken plates rang.
“Ru…Ruki…”
“Oi, oi! They’re falling!” He burst out of laughter. “So how was it? Do I look cool?”
“I thought you’re dead…”
Ruki laughed harder, “Are you a death god? Don’t go off proclaiming other’s dead, stupid!”
“Have… have a sit… welcome back…”
“Kai… I… I have this thing I’ve been asking myself even before I left… For instance… you found a cook greater than you and you really loved her food, will you… is there by any chance that you could fall in love with that person?”
“Ah?”
“I mean… with just their talent… do you think you could fall in love with a person?”
“I… I think you can… in everything a person do, hmmm… for instance, through his music…”
“Eee… eeh?”
“Just shut up! Every artist put their emotions towards that composition that’s why if you like it, doesn’t that mean you already like one part of that person? Just like how you did with Uruha…”
“YOU! I’m not talking about…” Ruki smiled. “Is that really true?”
Aoi and Uruha suddenly came in.
“Ruki…” Aoi could only utter looking at the frozen guy next to him.
“I… I just realized something amazing, Aoi!” Ruki ran and hugged him. “I…like Takashima Uruha.”
Aoi wished Uruha didn't hear such words. He didn’t shiver when he heard Ruki uttered the words he was so afraid of. Perhaps, he already knew. It’s just that he let himself believe that somewhere along the way, he and Uruha was possible to be meant for each other. He wasn’t ready for it, to end something that hasn’t started yet.
Aoi could only stare to Uruha’s calm expression.
“I went to New York because of you. I… I was scared,” Ruki walked towards him. “I started to enjoy being with you. Every day became more exciting and interesting that I came to doubt myself. I wanted to be better and better for you… I love…”
“Ruki-san, I… too… really did enjoy being with you to the point that it became a safe zone for me. But that time, after you left I thought, “If I don’t work harder, Ruki-san won’t acknowledge me anymore.” That’s why, please stop worrying about me,” Uruha smiled. “I won’t say things like “I like you” again. I fought with my feelings that time and I was able to overcome it. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would have come this far. So, I’m okay now. Because the two of us are… bandmates, right?”
I was looking at Ruki’s expression that time. He smiled and said, “Ah, you’re right.”
But you see, it hurts.
Ruki’s expression hurt me. It was excruciating that I couldn’t look at him but in spite of that I was a little bit happy. I thought “Oh no, Uruha would end up clinging back to him.” I thought it was over and that slight happiness made me guilty even more.
We went to the beach after to celebrate Ruki’s come back. Honestly, it felt too awkward. Kai and Reita were there cooking barbeque. And us? Yeah, having a campfire, me, Ruki and Uruha in the middle.
What was it that you said back then? Those words which didn’t reach me now dance in the heavens. Although I know it very well, I continue to make a wish that will never come true.
Uruha sang. It was the first song he made after Ruki’s departure. Ruki looked somewhere far away but you know he’s listening.
“Ah, I’ll go get some beer,” Aoi left.
“You… became better, didn’t you?” Ruki brushed Uruha’s hair. “Hey, I wanted to give this to you on your birthday but I couldn’t send it from New York. I… I would just hurry back home if I did.”
Uruha opened the box and saw a guitar pick, “Ruki-san…”
Ruki held hands with Uruha and locked his lips towards the other.
Ruki sang.
Love and dreams and the last train and everything that’s mixed up with it, as we chase it, you said “It hurts” when I gripped your hand. Love and dreams and your tearful voice were my life’s everything. I was looking in your eyes, yes it’s true, but I could never say it.
“I love you,” Ruki whispered.
Aoi came and gave the two a cup of beer, “The barbeque was…”
“Ah, I’ll eat for a while!” Ruki ran.
“Did I… interrupt something?”
Tears drifted along Uruha’s cheeks.
“Ru…ki…”
He stood up, my words wouldn’t reach him. The one he wanted to be with, the one he wished that have stayed, it wasn’t me. Calling and calling Ruki’s name, his body moved on its own following the path the other made. He accidentally fell something and went straight to the fire. It was… a guitar pick, isn’t it?
“Ah!” Uruha hastily tried to pick it up.
“Stop it! You’re burning yourself.”
“Let me go! My… gift…”
“Stop it Uruha! Ruki! Ruki!”
It took some time before we reached the hospital. I didn’t know what happened between them that made Uruha act like that. The injury must be too severe.
“The patient had suffered a fourth degree burn. From your story, it was too unbelievable that the patient did this to himself. The damage was too fatal that it already affected the underlying muscles and nerves on his right hand…”
“But the nerves… they can be repaired right?” Ruki asked.
“He almost cooked himself… to be honest… I even doubt if he could still feel his…”
“You’re… lying, right?”
“Ruki stop it…” Aoi tried to break Ruki’s gripped from the doctor.
“Don’t you understand Aoi? Uruha… he… he will die if he couldn’t play his guitar anymore!”
“I… I wouldn’t be… able to play… anymore?” Uruha ran.
Ruki fell on his knees.
“Uruha!” Aoi ran and looked for him.
He went up and ran with no direction, looking for every corner. Ruki completely understood him the way he wouldn’t be able to. A year he has been with him, even now he couldn’t still recognized Uruha’s true feelings. He was strong. Even without him or Ruki, Uruha could survive but without his guitar… he couldn’t imagine how Uruha would start picking up the crushed pieces of him.
The sound of opening door slightly creaked on the hospital’s rooftop but Uruha seemed to be deaf to noticed until a pair of arms were wrapped across his body.
“Ruki-san, I… I want to make songs that will make you happy again. If I…” Uruha cried. “If I can’t play anymore… I… I…”
Ruki move Uruha’s body closer to him burying the other on his chest.
“You don’t have to play anymore. You don’t have to make songs anymore… as long as we’re together, right?” Ruki cupped his face.
“Stay with me forever.”
Uruha’s arms moved towards Ruki’s body.
Aoi was behind the door quietly gazing at the scene he was too late for, quietly crying for the serious damage that beat him. He smiled. It might be the right time for him to give up.
During the spring almost two years ago, we met in a place which seemed like a miracle. I was happy just being with him. But even though he was right in front of me, the way I couldn't reach my hand out was always irritating. The person I was, telling myself that I could never obtain it and staying quiet while doing nothing, always made me angry. The thing that made me realized this was Uruha's love. The person who pushed the cowardly person that I was, was Uruha's strength. Until now, I always wondered if there was a point to a relationship which failed. I wondered if something which disappears and something that never happened was the same thing. But... now I understand that there was a meaning to it. Because I met Uruha, the person I am today is here now. The day that everything will turn into memories will eventually come. However, I will probably remember the priceless time we spent together. And now, I can proudly believe that I'm...
I'm glad to have met you.
A/N: Eh? What happened? I'm sleepy. Pardon me for grammars. Tee-hee.