Aoi - Oneshot (1/1)
Title: Aoi
Chapters: Oneshot (1/1)
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Suspense
Warnings: MalexMale, Incest, Abuse, Violence, et cetera.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: AoixUruha, RukixUruha, ReitaxUruha
Summary: Reita is an investigator seeking for a perfect crime that would drive his senses wild. His wish was granted after his path crossed with the unsolved case of his old high school classmate’s odd disappearance. He never imagined that his life would drastically change as he slowly tried to unravel the truth of the past..
Comments: Hello. It’s been a long time since I wrote something. It’s a dark fic. I hope I successfully pulled out a suspense and dramatic story.
[P.S.: Let’s be one from now on.]
The world is just another black hole.
It is made up of desires that consume mankind into a deep sleep of chaos. Law is the gravity, the reasoning behind unreasonable rules, the right which dictates the wrong. I am just a rock floating in the universe, a spectator of its revolution, a worthless piece of puzzle, an investigator.
Solved three-hundred and eighteen mysteries, worthless slaughtering, lost and found, and described unexplainable phenomena, I received fame. This is the simple cycle of life, what you had done rates your persona. This is how I became Suzuki Reita.
I was walking with the upper-ups, listening to their nonstop whatsoever personality development when we passed the glassed archive of unsolved cases. A slightly opened drawer caught my eye and it seems to call my insides to open it wider and pull the folder I first see.
I answered that calling.
I left the recorded speeches and ran to it, eager to see that tingling bell which drives my curiosity. There I found a familiar name, a high school friend if I remember correctly. An evil smile curved into my cheeks. There I found the case which will ignite my being, the lost of Shiroyoma Aoi, the most perfect description of a perfect guise.
The next moment, I found myself inside a music bar, teenagers left and right, all hyped-up with the rock bands banging their head rhythmically. Making my way to the target, I made an eye-contact. This guy is surprisingly charming. I have liberal ideas when it comes to homosexuals but I won’t be involved with someone this dangerous. The vocalist seemed to be annoyed with the perverted eyes I set with his guitarist. He walked to the other’s side and kissed him, right before my eyes. It’s a long, wild, and wet kiss on the stage.
“To sum it all up, I want you two to tell me what happened to Aoi four years ago.”
It was after two hours of never ending noise that I finally got to spend some time alone with the persons involve. One of them is Ruki. He’s Aoi’s closest friend when we were in high school and now as I presume, he’s Uruha’s lover. Uruha is the only relative of Aoi, specifically his stepbrother. They have the same father and Aoi’s mother died when he was eight. Uruha’s mother agreed to adopt him but the rest died a month before Aoi’s odd disappearance.
“We have nothing to do with him. He has his own life. It’s his choice to go wherever he wants to be,” Ruki annoyingly said, slouching, obviously wasn’t please to hear the topic. “We’re leaving,” he pulled the guitarist.
“Yeah, but to suddenly disappear without any trace, his current location, his current job, not even a single medical record in four years, don’t you think it’s strange Mr. Matsumoto Ruki? He didn’t even quit his job before he left and I even heard he’s under provision to be promoted. Is that a logical move to leave with a bright future on hand? And let me show you this guest list, Aoi made a reservation for two at this fancy restaurant the day he disappeared.”
“A restaurant…?”
“It’s your birthday isn’t it, Uruha?” I came nearer to him, cornering him against the wall.
“Aniki…” pair of innocent eyes looked at me. “Aniki, wouldn’t do that for me.”
“Tell me Uruha, what does your brother means to you? Do you think he’ll just go and leave you? You love each other, don’t you?”
Ruki’s fist landed on my face, my bleeding lips wouldn’t look good for sure.
“Who are you? What do you know?” he raged.
“Are you sure you don’t remember me? Ruki, you’re the one closest to Aoi. You should know what he feels for Uruha… their forbidden love.”
Their forbidden love…
“You are Reita?” Ruki bit his lips and looked at Uruha. “Aoi isn’t what you think he is. Don’t butt into this. I don’t care if you are an old friend or some famous detective, I won’t let anyone hurt Uruha ever again.”
Ruki grabbed Uruha’s arm and immediately left but the other turned back and looked at me, traces of tears appeared under his eyes as his lips mumbled,
“Aniki won’t be able to return anymore.”
Their backs disappeared as those words echoed on my ears. I went straight to a hotel and took a bath. I stood in front of the sink and looked at my amused face reflected on the mirror. I’m on the right place where I should be.
“I won’t let anyone hurt Uruha ever again… ever again, huh?”
Just like an addicting drug, I dug for more information. I want to unravel the truth, to clear the clouds that hide the stars. The moon that once was closest to the night now distances him upon the other. What could he have done to destroy that union? Or could it be you, my dear gorgeous?
“Ruki, please stop. Not here…” Uruha said between their kisses.
Ruki wouldn’t listen. He continued to unbutton Uruha’s shirt, his knees between the other’s legs. They were inside the bar and Ruki was intoxicated. Uruha was lying on the couch trying to push the guy atop on him but he couldn’t. Ruki was stronger. His hands went under his shirt.
“Uruha…” Ruki mumbled as he licked the other’s neck. “I want you.”
“But Ruki…”
“Please?”
Uruha didn’t fight anymore and let Ruki have his way. Ruki played on his lower lip, wetting its surroundings. Uruha slightly opened his lips which Ruki for granted and took the opportunity to enter his tongue. Their kiss deepened while Ruki’s hands reached for Uruha’s lower half, unzipping it and pulling the other’s member. He played with it, sliding his closed palm on its length.
“You’re shivering Uruha. We’ve done this a couple of times in public. Are you still not used to it?”
“But… Ahh… it hurts…”
Ruki slowly let go. A hint of surprise was exposed on his widely opened eyes. He cupped Uruha’s face and slowly exposed Uruha’s upper body. Ruki’s tears flooded as he covered his mouth. Uruha trembled as he held into his arms. Dark bruises covered his body.
“Who…”
“I’m sorry Ruki.”
“He came back, didn’t he?”
“Yes. Aniki did this to me.”
To my surprise, I didn’t know how to respond. Four years that the victim was gone, he returned back and hurt his brother. Could it be the two knew I was there watching them? Is it just a façade to lure me? No, that wouldn’t be possible. The place was so crowded and I was also there by chance. It happened last two weeks after I first met them. I traced every record of Shiroyama Aoi in Tokyo and there is none. First, I was sure he was dead and Ruki killed him. Love triangle might be the reason and that happens every time but this case is different. Aoi came back but with no records? Is he a ghost? The more this becomes complicated the more I want to know you, Takashima Uruha.
And here I am, standing in front of his condominium, giving three soft knocks on his door. The moment the door slightly opened and with his pitiful face he welcomed me, I trembled in response. He planned to close the door and ignore me but I just couldn’t let him do. I know I am only a spectator of this crime and I shouldn’t be involved but he’s something I couldn’t neglect. He’s like a box full of magic that I always wanted to open.
I first met him on high school, the young boy that always follows Aoi. He’s just a year younger. He’s quiet and barely smiles, very opposite to Aoi. He’s the cheerful one, the one you could always depend on. Though I always knew there’s something fishy on him, and how he brushes Uruha’s hair that would make the younger smile a bit. Ruki was there too… and that incident in the washroom.
“I hate you Uruha!” Aoi said as he pushed his member inside Uruha’s mouth. “You’re the one who turned me into this monster.”
Unable to breathe, Uruha pulled out, “I’m sorry Aniki.”
Aoi looked down on him and pulled his hair, pushing him inside the shower room. The sound of the water pressure echoed. Uruha coughed.
“Stop… Aniki…”
Aoi silenced him with a painful kiss and a violent fucking. The Uruha on the past and the person who’s with me didn’t change, still the willing victim. We’re sitting face to face, a table in between. His house is a mess, just like a debtor threatened by a yakuza. He’s wearing a dirty white shirt that was falling upon his shoulders, pants that extend on his knees and his body was decorated by bruises and cuts. His eyes were swollen. It seems like he lacks of sleep and cried a liter of tears.
“What happened?” it’s almost the most natural sentence I can say.
He shook his head, “Nothing.”
“Make me believe,” I crossed my legs. I wonder how he’ll get the idea that nothing will ever happen if he keeps carrying everything on top of his shoulders.
“The hardest part is…” Uruha cried. “Knowing that he doesn’t love me and yet…
…he spends so much time pretending that he does.”
I crossed the table, spreading my arms to share my warmth. It might not mean anything but the fragility he embedded himself was cooler than the icy cold weather. It chilled me to the bones. I buried him into my chest and patted his short black hair.
“I’m an investigator of facts. I’m not a psychiatrist. I may not know anything emotional but this is what they do in TVs right?” the following minutes left me with nothing to say.
“He hates me because I turned him into a monster he is right now,” he shivered as he trailed his lips. “But his kiss is the sweetest every time he utters those words.”
“You love Aoi. That’s why even though he always hurt you; you can’t stay away from him. Then what’s Ruki to you?”
“Ruki is special. I love him.”
“You love both?”
“You too…”
“Uruha, you’ve always beyond my understanding,” I flipped the hair covering his injured face. “If you love me, tell me where is Aoi.”
His lips moved too fast. I wasn’t able to comprehend what he had said. He then looked me in the eyes as tears accumulated on his almond eyes. There’s no way I could make him repeat what he just said. He stood up and went to bed. I followed and sat beside his lying body. Maybe if I’ll stay here, Aoi will return back. Thinking those, why is it necessary to gently run my fingers on his hair and comfort him? Why is that I can’t understand him? The more I learn about him, the less I understand everything.
“URUHA!!!”
It was a dark, dark dream. I woke up hearing Ruki shouting his name. He’s not on my side anymore. I ran out the bedroom and saw Ruki, finding his way to get those broken pieces of glass out of Uruha’s body. Uruha’s crying, saying “It hurts, it hurts,” repeatedly. There’s a large piece on his stomach. Both of them were covered with blood, Uruha’s blood.
“Aoi… did this?”
“What the fuck are you doing? If you’re here, why did you let this happen?”
I checked on the door, there’s no sign of forced entry. Ruki’s keys were still hanging on the keyhole. It must have been locked before he entered. Uruha might have let Aoi in but doing this and locking the door? Or could it be possible… no, there’s no other exit. It’s the seventh floor. How about fingerprints, hair strands? With my handkerchief, I secretly picked up pieces of the broken fragments on the floor. The ambulance came, the police, the forensics, and et cetera.
Two days later, I received the results, still no sign of Aoi nor anything that can prove his existence. Is this a big joke? I was there and still… Fuck, I was on the incident of crime and I was like… why didn’t he scream for help? Why did he let Aoi do that? Even Ruki… he… the fuck everyone is so suspicious. What black magic are you practicing Aoi?
After crushing my head for an answer, I decided to visit Uruha. I heard he finally woke up last night. I didn’t mean to torture him for bringing back the memories of that night but if I won’t be able to figure out anything, I’ll lose my temper. This is the first time it’ll ever happen. The first time I’ll ever lose to what we call ‘emotions’.
I silently peel the red apples I brought. No one spoke a word since I walked in. Ruki was there, looking intensely to my whole self, like he’s going to devour me any moment. Uruha stares on the pink flower beside him. I wonder if it’s his favorite. Ruki might already know a lot about him and yet I wonder if he’s this confuse as I am.
“This is a holly-hock. It calms him when he stares at it.”
“Holly-hock…” I remember seeing those flowers beside him that night. That glass… must have been a vase? “Holly-hock… Aoi…”
“Yeah, it’s Aoi in Japanese,” Ruki smirked. “They were good as siblings. Aoi treated him nice at the start but things changed after both figured out their true feelings for each other.”
“Aoi refused to accept the fact that their feelings were mutual. He’s too involved with the idea of being a good brother to him… I saw his diary on Uruha’s bed.”
He’s too fragile, too innocent. I’ve always wanted to love someone with all my heart. My mother didn’t hate me nor love me. She just doesn’t feel anything for me. Losing her and gaining a warm family is something I’m thankful for. I’m glad she’s gone. I’m glad to find a place where I feel like home. I’m glad to have a younger brother. But these feelings inside me are piling up, I want to lick his flesh, his neck, his lips, I want them to be mine. I tried so hard to force these feelings to stay inside me, this urge, this desire, I want to crush them. I tried so hard but why does he have to ruin my sanity? “I love you Aniki, more than a brother. I want you to touch me,” why does he have to say those words? I won’t be able to suppress these feelings. That’s all it takes for the monster inside me to conquer everything I’ve worked so hard to obtain.
“And if the monster inside him completely takes over, he wanted me to kill him…”
“Ruki!” Uruha caught both of our attention. “I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll go get some water,” Ruki walked out.
I stared at Uruha who’s still focus on his flower. I knew Ruki was about to speak something important but Uruha stopped him. He didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want Aoi to stop. He didn’t want to be saved. I sighed and touched his hand. I wish he’ll let me understand him. I wish he’ll let me free him from this never ending loop of anguish.
“You loved because you wanted to be loved. It’s the only way to balance the truth that you couldn’t love yourself. What’s the real problem Uruha? Why can’t you even tell Ruki the whole thing? He’s been there for you ever since before. By now, you surely know that he only wanted to be Aoi’s closest friend just to be with you and yet why?”
“Ruki… he knows.”
“He… he knew? Then why won’t you tell me? You said you love me too. Is it just a lie? Uruha, I want to help you. I never been this involved on a case in my whole life! But how can I help you if you wouldn’t even help yourself? Uruha, tell me, where is Aoi?”
Uruha didn’t answer. He slowly raised his arm and trembled. He lifted it up and pointed to my direction.
“The place where Aoi is… in here…”
He’s pointing on me, isn’t he? My feet slowly walked its way away from him. There’s no use of speaking at him. Is he telling me that Aoi’s inside me? That all this time, I’m the one who’s doing it to him? I turned back from him. I wanted to get away as soon as possible. I saw a mirror. Is Aoi inside me? I ran out the door and saw Ruki leaning beside. I looked away. I wanted to fix this but in return I’m the one who’s being destroyed.
“Stupid! Reita, you’re stupid. Do you believe on that nonsense? Do you believe that somewhere along the way you’re being possessed by Aoi? What are you, a star on an exorcism show?”
“Fuck you Kai! You’re not helping at all. I called you because I’m desperate. I’m losing my confidence, my money, and my sanity! Let me tell you, if you won’t help me, you’ll find me hanging on my office’s ceiling the next day in the morning!”
“Hahaha! You see, you’ve been too attach with what’s happening since you came. You already forgot that you’re investigating with what happened four years ago and that doesn’t include you. Maybe, what Uruha mean is that you remind him of Aoi or something of that sort.”
“I remind him of Aoi?” come to think of it, Ruki’s issues, Uruha’s injuries, Aoi’s sudden appearances, it all happened after I reopened the case. “Yeah but… Uruha’s injuries… Ruki couldn’t possibly…”
“I’m a psychiatrist and base on what you had told me, I doubt Ruki could ever do that. I’ve handled a couple of cases where people lost their sanity over love but base on his personality, Ruki’s incapable of hurting him.”
“Kai, I’m sure that night, there’s only three of us on that room. If Ruki isn’t the one who did that, then is it really me? Could it be possible that what Uruha’s been saying is true?”
“I told you that there’s no such thing as ghost and possession if scientific reasoning would be considered! Reita, are you sure that Uruha’s pointing to you? Wasn’t there someone or anything behind you that reminds him of Aoi?”
“Something that reminds him of Aoi…” I tried to return back to that time, the holly-hock, the knife… I’m sure Ruki was outside… what else… the… “Trauma… dissociative identity disorder…!”
“What, I’ve been telling you that Aoi isn’t inside you…”
“No, Kai, you’re right! I’ve been too focus on what’s happening the time after I came when I’m investigating what happened four years ago! Kai, I’ve got to go, I have to move Uruha out of that room or else…”
I ran and ran closer to the place that holds him captivated. There’s no Aoi to begin with. He died four years ago. “The caged was destroyed. The monster inside me has gone berserk.” Those were the last words that Aoi had written on his diary. “And if the monster inside him completely takes over, he wanted me to kill him…” Ruki said those words. I should have hold on to that idea from the very start. It might have been too hard for Aoi to hold his feelings after the death of their parents and he could have done something to Uruha that forced Ruki to kill him. That’s the most logical explanation if…
The moment I reached the hospital, there were polices and nurses everywhere. They said that Ruki had already admitted his crime. He tried to kill Uruha once again using the broken mirror at the hospital. He also pointed out where he hid Aoi’s corpse. It was found under the secret room beneath his flat. They said that he’s the one who’s been abusing Uruha all this time. With all has been proven, he could kiss his freedom away forever.
That was the truth they discovered.
“Ruki, everything went through according to your plan. You just used me. Congratulations.”
But that’s not the truth I knew.
I passed through Ruki and had a contact on him. His scent tingled into my nose. I whispered sweet greeting on him. There’s no evidence of guilt or regret. He’s fully contented and satisfied knowing that he already achieved the true freedom he wished and I’m the only one who turned into a real captive for I can never escape the chain that binds me to the one we both love.
Uruha’s crying on his bended knees. He’s sobbing and unable to pull himself together. I walked closer to him. “Aniki’s been screaming inside me!” I now understand what his lips mumbled that I wasn’t able to comprehend in the past. The one’s who’s been hurting, the one who’s been haunting, and the one who truly kills, it’s all you Uruha. You’ve been doing this to yourself the whole time. The one you’ve been pointing that time wasn’t me, but you, your reflection in that mirror.
“That time, it’s my birthday. Aniki was suspiciously nice. He said he’s going to treat me out but I know that’s a lie! Reita, if I didn’t kill him, I know… He’ll kill me! If he doesn’t love me then why… why is he so nice to me? Reita, could it be possible… No! He hates me, he hates me, am I right? Because if he don’t then… why did I kill him? Reita, why did I kill Aniki?”
Without saying a word, I wrapped him inside my arms. Ruki passed his duty to protect Uruha. He’s been planning to carry his sins from the start but if he does, no one will stay for him. The truth is Aoi wanted Uruha to hate him, to end his feelings for him but he wavered in the middle. Those last words from Aoi, those were lies. They were never written, perhaps not by Aoi, maybe it’s Ruki. I don’t know. There’s a torn page too before that letter, maybe that’s what Aoi’s true feelings the time before he was killed. And whatever it is, they will remain secret.
I kissed Uruha’s forehead as I let him sleep on my lap. Maybe I should find another job, maybe Kai’s assistant or something. Once in my life, I was sure of my path, my goal, and my destiny but that time was already gone the moment I decided to cover the truth behind this rippling dream. It’s my fault after all. I shouldn’t have opened up the wound that was already healed. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
I took out a cigarette and noticed a sheet of paper fell on my pocket.
Uruha, I did so many horrible things to you. I desired for a family. I desired for love. I noticed that the more I hurt you, the more damage I made to myself. I just want you to forget your feelings for me. I want you to have an ideal life, to find a perfect girl, to make a wonderful family I failed to have but what’s the use if I was only digging you to your own grave. I noticed the bruises and cuts on your body. You’ve been hurting yourself. Ruki said that you’ve been isolating yourself to other people. You made your world revolve around me. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have stayed nice to you.
I prepared a birthday present for you. I hope you’ll like it. I want to make a new start with you and be more honest with my feelings. I love you too just the way you love me. Let’s live a new life away from everyone. After we’ve graduated, I want you to come with me to a place no one knows about us. I love you so much.
--- Aoi
P.S.: Let’s be ONE from now on.
A/N: I don’t know if I made it clear but to put it simple, Uruha is suffering a dissociative identity disorder which in a sense he obtained after killing Aoi. This is a mental disorder that creates a multiple personality/behavior on which he acts like Aoi and hurt himself. Ruki knew it all along and tried to support Uruha but when Reita suddenly buts in, this disorder worsen that he almost killed himself. The last paragraphs came from the torn sheet that Reita’s been mentioning. Ruki passed it the moment they came across to each other when he was being captured by the police. The incident of Reita’s finding Aoi’s diary was also Ruki’s plan.
Chapters: Oneshot (1/1)
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Suspense
Warnings: MalexMale, Incest, Abuse, Violence, et cetera.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: AoixUruha, RukixUruha, ReitaxUruha
Summary: Reita is an investigator seeking for a perfect crime that would drive his senses wild. His wish was granted after his path crossed with the unsolved case of his old high school classmate’s odd disappearance. He never imagined that his life would drastically change as he slowly tried to unravel the truth of the past..
Comments: Hello. It’s been a long time since I wrote something. It’s a dark fic. I hope I successfully pulled out a suspense and dramatic story.
[P.S.: Let’s be one from now on.]
The world is just another black hole.
It is made up of desires that consume mankind into a deep sleep of chaos. Law is the gravity, the reasoning behind unreasonable rules, the right which dictates the wrong. I am just a rock floating in the universe, a spectator of its revolution, a worthless piece of puzzle, an investigator.
Solved three-hundred and eighteen mysteries, worthless slaughtering, lost and found, and described unexplainable phenomena, I received fame. This is the simple cycle of life, what you had done rates your persona. This is how I became Suzuki Reita.
I was walking with the upper-ups, listening to their nonstop whatsoever personality development when we passed the glassed archive of unsolved cases. A slightly opened drawer caught my eye and it seems to call my insides to open it wider and pull the folder I first see.
I answered that calling.
I left the recorded speeches and ran to it, eager to see that tingling bell which drives my curiosity. There I found a familiar name, a high school friend if I remember correctly. An evil smile curved into my cheeks. There I found the case which will ignite my being, the lost of Shiroyoma Aoi, the most perfect description of a perfect guise.
The next moment, I found myself inside a music bar, teenagers left and right, all hyped-up with the rock bands banging their head rhythmically. Making my way to the target, I made an eye-contact. This guy is surprisingly charming. I have liberal ideas when it comes to homosexuals but I won’t be involved with someone this dangerous. The vocalist seemed to be annoyed with the perverted eyes I set with his guitarist. He walked to the other’s side and kissed him, right before my eyes. It’s a long, wild, and wet kiss on the stage.
“To sum it all up, I want you two to tell me what happened to Aoi four years ago.”
It was after two hours of never ending noise that I finally got to spend some time alone with the persons involve. One of them is Ruki. He’s Aoi’s closest friend when we were in high school and now as I presume, he’s Uruha’s lover. Uruha is the only relative of Aoi, specifically his stepbrother. They have the same father and Aoi’s mother died when he was eight. Uruha’s mother agreed to adopt him but the rest died a month before Aoi’s odd disappearance.
“We have nothing to do with him. He has his own life. It’s his choice to go wherever he wants to be,” Ruki annoyingly said, slouching, obviously wasn’t please to hear the topic. “We’re leaving,” he pulled the guitarist.
“Yeah, but to suddenly disappear without any trace, his current location, his current job, not even a single medical record in four years, don’t you think it’s strange Mr. Matsumoto Ruki? He didn’t even quit his job before he left and I even heard he’s under provision to be promoted. Is that a logical move to leave with a bright future on hand? And let me show you this guest list, Aoi made a reservation for two at this fancy restaurant the day he disappeared.”
“A restaurant…?”
“It’s your birthday isn’t it, Uruha?” I came nearer to him, cornering him against the wall.
“Aniki…” pair of innocent eyes looked at me. “Aniki, wouldn’t do that for me.”
“Tell me Uruha, what does your brother means to you? Do you think he’ll just go and leave you? You love each other, don’t you?”
Ruki’s fist landed on my face, my bleeding lips wouldn’t look good for sure.
“Who are you? What do you know?” he raged.
“Are you sure you don’t remember me? Ruki, you’re the one closest to Aoi. You should know what he feels for Uruha… their forbidden love.”
Their forbidden love…
“You are Reita?” Ruki bit his lips and looked at Uruha. “Aoi isn’t what you think he is. Don’t butt into this. I don’t care if you are an old friend or some famous detective, I won’t let anyone hurt Uruha ever again.”
Ruki grabbed Uruha’s arm and immediately left but the other turned back and looked at me, traces of tears appeared under his eyes as his lips mumbled,
“Aniki won’t be able to return anymore.”
Their backs disappeared as those words echoed on my ears. I went straight to a hotel and took a bath. I stood in front of the sink and looked at my amused face reflected on the mirror. I’m on the right place where I should be.
“I won’t let anyone hurt Uruha ever again… ever again, huh?”
Just like an addicting drug, I dug for more information. I want to unravel the truth, to clear the clouds that hide the stars. The moon that once was closest to the night now distances him upon the other. What could he have done to destroy that union? Or could it be you, my dear gorgeous?
“Ruki, please stop. Not here…” Uruha said between their kisses.
Ruki wouldn’t listen. He continued to unbutton Uruha’s shirt, his knees between the other’s legs. They were inside the bar and Ruki was intoxicated. Uruha was lying on the couch trying to push the guy atop on him but he couldn’t. Ruki was stronger. His hands went under his shirt.
“Uruha…” Ruki mumbled as he licked the other’s neck. “I want you.”
“But Ruki…”
“Please?”
Uruha didn’t fight anymore and let Ruki have his way. Ruki played on his lower lip, wetting its surroundings. Uruha slightly opened his lips which Ruki for granted and took the opportunity to enter his tongue. Their kiss deepened while Ruki’s hands reached for Uruha’s lower half, unzipping it and pulling the other’s member. He played with it, sliding his closed palm on its length.
“You’re shivering Uruha. We’ve done this a couple of times in public. Are you still not used to it?”
“But… Ahh… it hurts…”
Ruki slowly let go. A hint of surprise was exposed on his widely opened eyes. He cupped Uruha’s face and slowly exposed Uruha’s upper body. Ruki’s tears flooded as he covered his mouth. Uruha trembled as he held into his arms. Dark bruises covered his body.
“Who…”
“I’m sorry Ruki.”
“He came back, didn’t he?”
“Yes. Aniki did this to me.”
To my surprise, I didn’t know how to respond. Four years that the victim was gone, he returned back and hurt his brother. Could it be the two knew I was there watching them? Is it just a façade to lure me? No, that wouldn’t be possible. The place was so crowded and I was also there by chance. It happened last two weeks after I first met them. I traced every record of Shiroyama Aoi in Tokyo and there is none. First, I was sure he was dead and Ruki killed him. Love triangle might be the reason and that happens every time but this case is different. Aoi came back but with no records? Is he a ghost? The more this becomes complicated the more I want to know you, Takashima Uruha.
And here I am, standing in front of his condominium, giving three soft knocks on his door. The moment the door slightly opened and with his pitiful face he welcomed me, I trembled in response. He planned to close the door and ignore me but I just couldn’t let him do. I know I am only a spectator of this crime and I shouldn’t be involved but he’s something I couldn’t neglect. He’s like a box full of magic that I always wanted to open.
I first met him on high school, the young boy that always follows Aoi. He’s just a year younger. He’s quiet and barely smiles, very opposite to Aoi. He’s the cheerful one, the one you could always depend on. Though I always knew there’s something fishy on him, and how he brushes Uruha’s hair that would make the younger smile a bit. Ruki was there too… and that incident in the washroom.
“I hate you Uruha!” Aoi said as he pushed his member inside Uruha’s mouth. “You’re the one who turned me into this monster.”
Unable to breathe, Uruha pulled out, “I’m sorry Aniki.”
Aoi looked down on him and pulled his hair, pushing him inside the shower room. The sound of the water pressure echoed. Uruha coughed.
“Stop… Aniki…”
Aoi silenced him with a painful kiss and a violent fucking. The Uruha on the past and the person who’s with me didn’t change, still the willing victim. We’re sitting face to face, a table in between. His house is a mess, just like a debtor threatened by a yakuza. He’s wearing a dirty white shirt that was falling upon his shoulders, pants that extend on his knees and his body was decorated by bruises and cuts. His eyes were swollen. It seems like he lacks of sleep and cried a liter of tears.
“What happened?” it’s almost the most natural sentence I can say.
He shook his head, “Nothing.”
“Make me believe,” I crossed my legs. I wonder how he’ll get the idea that nothing will ever happen if he keeps carrying everything on top of his shoulders.
“The hardest part is…” Uruha cried. “Knowing that he doesn’t love me and yet…
…he spends so much time pretending that he does.”
I crossed the table, spreading my arms to share my warmth. It might not mean anything but the fragility he embedded himself was cooler than the icy cold weather. It chilled me to the bones. I buried him into my chest and patted his short black hair.
“I’m an investigator of facts. I’m not a psychiatrist. I may not know anything emotional but this is what they do in TVs right?” the following minutes left me with nothing to say.
“He hates me because I turned him into a monster he is right now,” he shivered as he trailed his lips. “But his kiss is the sweetest every time he utters those words.”
“You love Aoi. That’s why even though he always hurt you; you can’t stay away from him. Then what’s Ruki to you?”
“Ruki is special. I love him.”
“You love both?”
“You too…”
“Uruha, you’ve always beyond my understanding,” I flipped the hair covering his injured face. “If you love me, tell me where is Aoi.”
His lips moved too fast. I wasn’t able to comprehend what he had said. He then looked me in the eyes as tears accumulated on his almond eyes. There’s no way I could make him repeat what he just said. He stood up and went to bed. I followed and sat beside his lying body. Maybe if I’ll stay here, Aoi will return back. Thinking those, why is it necessary to gently run my fingers on his hair and comfort him? Why is that I can’t understand him? The more I learn about him, the less I understand everything.
“URUHA!!!”
It was a dark, dark dream. I woke up hearing Ruki shouting his name. He’s not on my side anymore. I ran out the bedroom and saw Ruki, finding his way to get those broken pieces of glass out of Uruha’s body. Uruha’s crying, saying “It hurts, it hurts,” repeatedly. There’s a large piece on his stomach. Both of them were covered with blood, Uruha’s blood.
“Aoi… did this?”
“What the fuck are you doing? If you’re here, why did you let this happen?”
I checked on the door, there’s no sign of forced entry. Ruki’s keys were still hanging on the keyhole. It must have been locked before he entered. Uruha might have let Aoi in but doing this and locking the door? Or could it be possible… no, there’s no other exit. It’s the seventh floor. How about fingerprints, hair strands? With my handkerchief, I secretly picked up pieces of the broken fragments on the floor. The ambulance came, the police, the forensics, and et cetera.
Two days later, I received the results, still no sign of Aoi nor anything that can prove his existence. Is this a big joke? I was there and still… Fuck, I was on the incident of crime and I was like… why didn’t he scream for help? Why did he let Aoi do that? Even Ruki… he… the fuck everyone is so suspicious. What black magic are you practicing Aoi?
After crushing my head for an answer, I decided to visit Uruha. I heard he finally woke up last night. I didn’t mean to torture him for bringing back the memories of that night but if I won’t be able to figure out anything, I’ll lose my temper. This is the first time it’ll ever happen. The first time I’ll ever lose to what we call ‘emotions’.
I silently peel the red apples I brought. No one spoke a word since I walked in. Ruki was there, looking intensely to my whole self, like he’s going to devour me any moment. Uruha stares on the pink flower beside him. I wonder if it’s his favorite. Ruki might already know a lot about him and yet I wonder if he’s this confuse as I am.
“This is a holly-hock. It calms him when he stares at it.”
“Holly-hock…” I remember seeing those flowers beside him that night. That glass… must have been a vase? “Holly-hock… Aoi…”
“Yeah, it’s Aoi in Japanese,” Ruki smirked. “They were good as siblings. Aoi treated him nice at the start but things changed after both figured out their true feelings for each other.”
“Aoi refused to accept the fact that their feelings were mutual. He’s too involved with the idea of being a good brother to him… I saw his diary on Uruha’s bed.”
He’s too fragile, too innocent. I’ve always wanted to love someone with all my heart. My mother didn’t hate me nor love me. She just doesn’t feel anything for me. Losing her and gaining a warm family is something I’m thankful for. I’m glad she’s gone. I’m glad to find a place where I feel like home. I’m glad to have a younger brother. But these feelings inside me are piling up, I want to lick his flesh, his neck, his lips, I want them to be mine. I tried so hard to force these feelings to stay inside me, this urge, this desire, I want to crush them. I tried so hard but why does he have to ruin my sanity? “I love you Aniki, more than a brother. I want you to touch me,” why does he have to say those words? I won’t be able to suppress these feelings. That’s all it takes for the monster inside me to conquer everything I’ve worked so hard to obtain.
“And if the monster inside him completely takes over, he wanted me to kill him…”
“Ruki!” Uruha caught both of our attention. “I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll go get some water,” Ruki walked out.
I stared at Uruha who’s still focus on his flower. I knew Ruki was about to speak something important but Uruha stopped him. He didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want Aoi to stop. He didn’t want to be saved. I sighed and touched his hand. I wish he’ll let me understand him. I wish he’ll let me free him from this never ending loop of anguish.
“You loved because you wanted to be loved. It’s the only way to balance the truth that you couldn’t love yourself. What’s the real problem Uruha? Why can’t you even tell Ruki the whole thing? He’s been there for you ever since before. By now, you surely know that he only wanted to be Aoi’s closest friend just to be with you and yet why?”
“Ruki… he knows.”
“He… he knew? Then why won’t you tell me? You said you love me too. Is it just a lie? Uruha, I want to help you. I never been this involved on a case in my whole life! But how can I help you if you wouldn’t even help yourself? Uruha, tell me, where is Aoi?”
Uruha didn’t answer. He slowly raised his arm and trembled. He lifted it up and pointed to my direction.
“The place where Aoi is… in here…”
He’s pointing on me, isn’t he? My feet slowly walked its way away from him. There’s no use of speaking at him. Is he telling me that Aoi’s inside me? That all this time, I’m the one who’s doing it to him? I turned back from him. I wanted to get away as soon as possible. I saw a mirror. Is Aoi inside me? I ran out the door and saw Ruki leaning beside. I looked away. I wanted to fix this but in return I’m the one who’s being destroyed.
“Stupid! Reita, you’re stupid. Do you believe on that nonsense? Do you believe that somewhere along the way you’re being possessed by Aoi? What are you, a star on an exorcism show?”
“Fuck you Kai! You’re not helping at all. I called you because I’m desperate. I’m losing my confidence, my money, and my sanity! Let me tell you, if you won’t help me, you’ll find me hanging on my office’s ceiling the next day in the morning!”
“Hahaha! You see, you’ve been too attach with what’s happening since you came. You already forgot that you’re investigating with what happened four years ago and that doesn’t include you. Maybe, what Uruha mean is that you remind him of Aoi or something of that sort.”
“I remind him of Aoi?” come to think of it, Ruki’s issues, Uruha’s injuries, Aoi’s sudden appearances, it all happened after I reopened the case. “Yeah but… Uruha’s injuries… Ruki couldn’t possibly…”
“I’m a psychiatrist and base on what you had told me, I doubt Ruki could ever do that. I’ve handled a couple of cases where people lost their sanity over love but base on his personality, Ruki’s incapable of hurting him.”
“Kai, I’m sure that night, there’s only three of us on that room. If Ruki isn’t the one who did that, then is it really me? Could it be possible that what Uruha’s been saying is true?”
“I told you that there’s no such thing as ghost and possession if scientific reasoning would be considered! Reita, are you sure that Uruha’s pointing to you? Wasn’t there someone or anything behind you that reminds him of Aoi?”
“Something that reminds him of Aoi…” I tried to return back to that time, the holly-hock, the knife… I’m sure Ruki was outside… what else… the… “Trauma… dissociative identity disorder…!”
“What, I’ve been telling you that Aoi isn’t inside you…”
“No, Kai, you’re right! I’ve been too focus on what’s happening the time after I came when I’m investigating what happened four years ago! Kai, I’ve got to go, I have to move Uruha out of that room or else…”
I ran and ran closer to the place that holds him captivated. There’s no Aoi to begin with. He died four years ago. “The caged was destroyed. The monster inside me has gone berserk.” Those were the last words that Aoi had written on his diary. “And if the monster inside him completely takes over, he wanted me to kill him…” Ruki said those words. I should have hold on to that idea from the very start. It might have been too hard for Aoi to hold his feelings after the death of their parents and he could have done something to Uruha that forced Ruki to kill him. That’s the most logical explanation if…
The moment I reached the hospital, there were polices and nurses everywhere. They said that Ruki had already admitted his crime. He tried to kill Uruha once again using the broken mirror at the hospital. He also pointed out where he hid Aoi’s corpse. It was found under the secret room beneath his flat. They said that he’s the one who’s been abusing Uruha all this time. With all has been proven, he could kiss his freedom away forever.
That was the truth they discovered.
“Ruki, everything went through according to your plan. You just used me. Congratulations.”
But that’s not the truth I knew.
I passed through Ruki and had a contact on him. His scent tingled into my nose. I whispered sweet greeting on him. There’s no evidence of guilt or regret. He’s fully contented and satisfied knowing that he already achieved the true freedom he wished and I’m the only one who turned into a real captive for I can never escape the chain that binds me to the one we both love.
Uruha’s crying on his bended knees. He’s sobbing and unable to pull himself together. I walked closer to him. “Aniki’s been screaming inside me!” I now understand what his lips mumbled that I wasn’t able to comprehend in the past. The one’s who’s been hurting, the one who’s been haunting, and the one who truly kills, it’s all you Uruha. You’ve been doing this to yourself the whole time. The one you’ve been pointing that time wasn’t me, but you, your reflection in that mirror.
“That time, it’s my birthday. Aniki was suspiciously nice. He said he’s going to treat me out but I know that’s a lie! Reita, if I didn’t kill him, I know… He’ll kill me! If he doesn’t love me then why… why is he so nice to me? Reita, could it be possible… No! He hates me, he hates me, am I right? Because if he don’t then… why did I kill him? Reita, why did I kill Aniki?”
Without saying a word, I wrapped him inside my arms. Ruki passed his duty to protect Uruha. He’s been planning to carry his sins from the start but if he does, no one will stay for him. The truth is Aoi wanted Uruha to hate him, to end his feelings for him but he wavered in the middle. Those last words from Aoi, those were lies. They were never written, perhaps not by Aoi, maybe it’s Ruki. I don’t know. There’s a torn page too before that letter, maybe that’s what Aoi’s true feelings the time before he was killed. And whatever it is, they will remain secret.
I kissed Uruha’s forehead as I let him sleep on my lap. Maybe I should find another job, maybe Kai’s assistant or something. Once in my life, I was sure of my path, my goal, and my destiny but that time was already gone the moment I decided to cover the truth behind this rippling dream. It’s my fault after all. I shouldn’t have opened up the wound that was already healed. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
I took out a cigarette and noticed a sheet of paper fell on my pocket.
Uruha, I did so many horrible things to you. I desired for a family. I desired for love. I noticed that the more I hurt you, the more damage I made to myself. I just want you to forget your feelings for me. I want you to have an ideal life, to find a perfect girl, to make a wonderful family I failed to have but what’s the use if I was only digging you to your own grave. I noticed the bruises and cuts on your body. You’ve been hurting yourself. Ruki said that you’ve been isolating yourself to other people. You made your world revolve around me. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have stayed nice to you.
I prepared a birthday present for you. I hope you’ll like it. I want to make a new start with you and be more honest with my feelings. I love you too just the way you love me. Let’s live a new life away from everyone. After we’ve graduated, I want you to come with me to a place no one knows about us. I love you so much.
--- Aoi
P.S.: Let’s be ONE from now on.
A/N: I don’t know if I made it clear but to put it simple, Uruha is suffering a dissociative identity disorder which in a sense he obtained after killing Aoi. This is a mental disorder that creates a multiple personality/behavior on which he acts like Aoi and hurt himself. Ruki knew it all along and tried to support Uruha but when Reita suddenly buts in, this disorder worsen that he almost killed himself. The last paragraphs came from the torn sheet that Reita’s been mentioning. Ruki passed it the moment they came across to each other when he was being captured by the police. The incident of Reita’s finding Aoi’s diary was also Ruki’s plan.