(no subject)
When you make certain realizations, nothing really seems to matter at all anymore. And you realize all along you've been putting your priorities in the WRONG fucking order. I'm not going to complain about what's going on right now, because I don't want pity, I'm not trying to sound stupid or anything I just have been ranting in my el jay all the time recently. So right now all I want to say is that I hate the fact that is takes something absolutely fucking HORRIBLE to happen, to make people get their shit straight. Of course, I know, there's exceptions, some people know what's going on, maybe they were like born that way. But either way, all I know, is I hate the fact that the only time I think about what's really important to me is when something fucking horrible happens. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. It's sick. And I hate this more than anything. Nothing has made me this upset, really, well, I've been this upset maybe once before. And it was for the same reason I am now but for a different reason. If you want to know what I'm talking about that bad, I suppose you could IM me, or comment or something, but right now I don't feel like emptying my heart into my el jay, because, well, I don't feel like it.
But, on a happier note, I do get to see one of my favorite bands today, ATREYU! And tomorrow I get to see My Chemical Romance, A static lullaby, and the Used. And Saturday I finallllllllyyyy get to see mark, And I miss him a lot right now. I also get to waste all my money in the stores in royal oak.
And my mom wonders why I spend so much time with my friends. Why I'm constantly out of the house, or have people over. I'm trying to get the fuck away from what makes me upset. It's almost like I'm too afraid to see... I don't even want to look... I want to pretend it's not real. I don't know if that makes sense. But I'm pretty all you that know me know I tend to run away from my problems. THAT's why I'm always either at school [well i have to go there anyway either way, lol], people are always over, or im at a concert, or im in royal oak, or im walking outside. I can't be here. I can't take it. And this time, I'm not talking about my mom and sister being bitches. This is way worse. If my mom and sister being bitches to me would make what is happening stop, I would gladly except it with a fucking smile. If anything could make it stop, I'd do it. But I don't have that fucking power because I am a useless human being and I can't do a shit about anything. My pathetic little life is too unimportant. The things that usually upset me have no meaning at all right now. I don't give a shit that I'm fat. I'm ugly too, who fucking cares! My grades could be higher, I don't fucking care. It's not important. I didn't get the CD that I wanted to buy, its not important!!!! My mom is a bitch to me almost all the time. I'll get over it. I get beat up by a 10 year old cuz I'm a pussy. I don't care. It's not something I should be complaining about. Not when there are far worse things going on. I hate the fact I can never realize what is important and what is not except when I [feel like] I am dying, someone else is dying, something really scary and traumitizing happens. I HATE THIS SHIT! I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE! I don't want to be here, I don't want to be gone, I don't want to be anywhere. No, I'm not going to kill myself, I hate people who do that, well not really hate, I just think it's selfish as fuck and you don't give a shit about your family or friends if you kill yourself. I'm sorry but it's true. Suicide is totally pointless. But that's a totally different rant I could go on about so I'm going to go now because I'm getting totally off topic.
And I just realized it's like 7:30 and I haven't even gotten dressed yet so I'm probably going to be late for school but that's okay. I randomly decided I needed to complain in my journal again.
But, on a happier note, I do get to see one of my favorite bands today, ATREYU! And tomorrow I get to see My Chemical Romance, A static lullaby, and the Used. And Saturday I finallllllllyyyy get to see mark, And I miss him a lot right now. I also get to waste all my money in the stores in royal oak.
And my mom wonders why I spend so much time with my friends. Why I'm constantly out of the house, or have people over. I'm trying to get the fuck away from what makes me upset. It's almost like I'm too afraid to see... I don't even want to look... I want to pretend it's not real. I don't know if that makes sense. But I'm pretty all you that know me know I tend to run away from my problems. THAT's why I'm always either at school [well i have to go there anyway either way, lol], people are always over, or im at a concert, or im in royal oak, or im walking outside. I can't be here. I can't take it. And this time, I'm not talking about my mom and sister being bitches. This is way worse. If my mom and sister being bitches to me would make what is happening stop, I would gladly except it with a fucking smile. If anything could make it stop, I'd do it. But I don't have that fucking power because I am a useless human being and I can't do a shit about anything. My pathetic little life is too unimportant. The things that usually upset me have no meaning at all right now. I don't give a shit that I'm fat. I'm ugly too, who fucking cares! My grades could be higher, I don't fucking care. It's not important. I didn't get the CD that I wanted to buy, its not important!!!! My mom is a bitch to me almost all the time. I'll get over it. I get beat up by a 10 year old cuz I'm a pussy. I don't care. It's not something I should be complaining about. Not when there are far worse things going on. I hate the fact I can never realize what is important and what is not except when I [feel like] I am dying, someone else is dying, something really scary and traumitizing happens. I HATE THIS SHIT! I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE! I don't want to be here, I don't want to be gone, I don't want to be anywhere. No, I'm not going to kill myself, I hate people who do that, well not really hate, I just think it's selfish as fuck and you don't give a shit about your family or friends if you kill yourself. I'm sorry but it's true. Suicide is totally pointless. But that's a totally different rant I could go on about so I'm going to go now because I'm getting totally off topic.
And I just realized it's like 7:30 and I haven't even gotten dressed yet so I'm probably going to be late for school but that's okay. I randomly decided I needed to complain in my journal again.